[shopaholic]

Hi, 4 years ago I became anorexic, its hard to even remember why it happened, I just know every time I weighed myself or looked in the mirror I was fat! I was only 16 and didn't think any thing of not eating for a week and then only eating 500 kcals on some days.I didn't think it would harm my health until I started to pass out at school, and at friends homes, then I got worried and tried to stop. I couldn't and reached my lowest weight of 6st 10, and being 5ft 6 that was noticeable to every 1. My mum took my to get help and I forced myself to eat and I reached 8 st. I pretended that I didn't think I was fat to everyone, but secretly I really wanted to be thin. This is when I began to be bulimic. I purged daily, and my sister began to notice that I was eating all my meals but slowly losing more weight and she forced me to stop and said she would tell my mum and I wouldn't beable to leave home to go to university if I didn't. I finally went to uni and I have found it so hard to not think I'm fat and to stop eating again, no parents around means I could do it all agen, but my house mate also noticed how thin I was getting and how little I ate and began to watch me closely. I put on more weight and reached 8 and a half st which I hated but I had to for my friends and family. A year later I can't take it any more and I have been purging after every meal and avoiding eating when no ones around and telling my house mates I already ate, and avoiding grocery trips to buy food. I just don't think il ever get over this, as even with professional help I couldn't, and I sometimes tell myself its more important to be thin than healthy, and I know my body won't take the way I'm treating it and I may live less or get very ill, and this is what I'm afraid of?? I just don't know how I can help myself? Deep inside I think the only way to be as thin as I want to be is anorexia, but if that is the case then being that thin isn't healthy... but as I said I do know that that but I would rather be thin than healthy sometimes.

[lovelesspa]

This is a very serious problem and I truly hope you'll talk to a professional, quickly. Thin, is not necessarily, healthy by any means. And the way your going about it is horrible. What you are doing is basically starving yourself. It is more important to be "healthy", if you want any kind of future. Your body needs nutrition, it can't function with out basic nutrients! I know you want help, but you need to find it, fast!
Not only are you suffering, but you are seriously damaging your body and overtaxing your organs. If your going to school, look up to see if they have any kind of counseling on this, quicky. Your friends and mother are extremely concerned otherwise they wouldn't have sent you for help, or watch you so closely. You need to find a group, that will help you see what the problem is and change the view you have of your body. The things you are doing are extreme, and your kidneys, liver and even heart are being damaged, sometimes these things cannot be reversed! Or worse you could die!! It's a very is a big price to pay to look or feel thin! I hope you will seek some kind of medical advice, this is urgent to your future!!

[shopaholic]

I haven't eaten for 2 days, and I know this feel good feeling I have isn't real... but I don't think I can talk to any 1 about it and try and get help, I feel I am in control and I don't need to get help... but I know that's not true... but its hard to convince myself otherwise!

[J_9]

Anorexia is all about control. It is a disease of control. You NEED to get help.

Are your grades slipping? Probably not because you are a perfectionist right? Perfect grades, etc.

See this is a trademark personality of anorexics/bulemics.

As Loveless said, you are hurting your kidneys, liver, HEART and even brain. If your body does not have the nutrition it needs, it begins feeding off what is nutritious in your body. Those are the organs that contain these nutrients.

You are also risking having low potassium in your system, among other necessary electrolytes, but low potassium can and will give you cardiac problems such as a heart attack.

You are only 119 pounds, and at 5 feet 6 inches that is still VERY slim.
It would be wise to get some counseling before you are put into the hospital against your will.

Do you have a nursing department at your Uni? If so go to one of the instructors there and they can recommend where to get some help in your area.

[J_9]

Honey, please take your own advice from this thread. You seem to know what to do, you just have to take that step and do it.

[shopaholic]

Your right my work isn't suffering, it's the only thing I can do to keep my mind off eating, along with exercise. As I was watched carefully over the past 6 months I have reached 126 pounds, and now I'm back at uni and my mates are busy with their last minute working I have started this again, and I can't even look at food without thinking about how much weight il put on or how much I won't lose if I eat it. I know the damage I am doing and I don't want to hurt myself, but as I have said my mind tells me that being healthy is not as important as being thin... this is wrong and I need to change my thinking, and the only way to do that is help. Because I am a healthly weight now, I don't think people will take much notice in uni especially the doctors... they probably wouldn't look at me as an immediate problem.

[J_9]

Yes, honey, they would look at this as an immediate problem as it is a life-threatening disorder. This is not something that doctors take lightly.

Understand that you will not gain weight by eating healthy. It is unhealthy eating habits that cause weight gain in most individuals. Salads, fruits and veggies are all healthy foods that will help keep you at a healthy weight as well as feeding your brain, heart, and other important organs in your body.

You are at a good weight now, work on keeping it just like it is by eating healthy.

[shopaholic]

I don't want to have people to fuss over me, and I don't want my friends or family to worry and think I'm being stupid... again. I want to just be happy and eat healthily and normallly as you have suggested, and I want to try on my own... if in a few days I still can't face food, I know il have to go to the doctors and get help as I know as I have from the last time that more than a week and il feel that feeling of hunger (which is in some strange way for filling) and I will struggle to stop even with support...
Thanks for all your helpful advice, and I hope I can do this and gain control over this, but if I can't I will get help ( I know all too well how ill it can make you, and once this good feeling runs out and your ill your too far to turn back alone) thanks again, and il keep you updated x

[J_9]

It is good that you know you have a problem. That is a good start. Just remember, you are feeding your brain and your heart. They need this food.

You can get control of this, yes it is hard, but the battle can be won. I know, I have been there.