[annieann250]

My mom thinks I'm ugly because I have Asian features. She always takes pride in her "beauty" because she was born with BIG deep set eyes with a crease (just like most white people), a tall nose, full lips, chubby cheeks, and deep cheek dimples. People always think she is half white even though she is from just China. I, on the other hand have SMALL monolid eyes, a big flat nose, and very faint/barely there dimples. Because of that, she always calls me ugly and thinks she's like the most prettiest woman on earth. When we're standing in front of a mirror she would say things like, "Look how small and ugly your eyes are compared to mine" "Your nose is too big!" "Your eyebrows are too thick and bushy!" and she would also ask me if she is pretty and she expects me to say "yes" even though she herself tells me I'm ugly.

I also have a sister who is 2 years younger than me. She is 15 and I am 17. My sister does not look like me. She looks like our mom. Unlike me, she was born with big deep set eyes like mom with a similar nose and also with dimples. My mom always tells her she is pretty but tells me I'm ugly. Because she is apparently "prettier" my mom gives her much more respect than she does for me. Such as, she always buys her new clothes and she never buys me any. She tells me with a face like mine, I look ugly in clothes anyway and doesn't want to waste money on my ugly face! She wouldn't let me wear makeup at all because I have ugly eyes and that I can't do much anyway because apparently my monolid would just cover up my eyeliner or eyeshadow anyway (because of the way my eyelid folds over). My sister however, was allowed to wear makeup when she turned 13 because she has "prettier" eyes and my mom thought she would look pretty with makeup. My mom also constantly tells me I'm too ugly to get a boyfriend and that boys won't find me attractive and she pretends to feel bad for me but I know she doesn't. Well maybe I just haven't found the one?

I hate being ugly. No, I just hate being told I'm ugly. Don't tell me I'm pretty because I know I'm ugly. Even my mom says so. I already have low self-esteem. I don't need anyone here to tell me I'm beautiful I mean, you haven't even seen a picture of me so how would you know! And you would probably say it only to make me feel better. I already feel hopeless and awful. I feel like life's not worth living anymore because I'm too ugly anyway so no one will treat me seriously. I wish I was born white. I hate being Asian. I just don't know how to deal with this anymore. It's not my fault I look like this.

But honestly, what I would like to know is, what should I do with my mom? Should I just suck it up, ignore it, and wait until I move out? Should I just ignore her completely? Part of me wants to start calling her ugly too.

[Wondergirl]

Do you know anything about your mom's childhood that made her so obsessed with her own appearance? Was she criticized -- or maybe just the opposite, paraded in front of friends and family as a beauty queen? I feel really sorry for her. Something has made her very ugly inside.

Where's your father in all this?

[annieann250]

Do you know anything about your mom's childhood that made her so obsessed with her own appearance? Was she criticized -- or maybe just the opposite, paraded in front of friends and family as a beauty queen? I feel really sorry for her. Something has made her very ugly inside.

Where's your father in all this?

I don't know much about her childhood but I know that people always commented about how she looked half white (in a good way) even though she really isn't and I guess that's what gave her so much confidence? Don't get me wrong, she is really pretty but it annoys me how obsessive she is with herself. Also, my parents divorced many years ago and after that he moved back to China as he does a lot of business there and to be honest, I actually haven't seen him since.

[Wondergirl]

How about changing the conversation. Ask her specific questions about her childhood and teenage: favorite foods, favorite toys, first used makeup, her friends from back then, favorite or hated teachers, her years of dating, her first kiss. You may know a lot of this, so what you want to do is let her talk about herself but with a different focus. Is she a good cook? Would she teach you how to make certain recipes? Or sewing? Or ??? [something she's good at]??? Then thank her so she starts to realize she's more than just a pretty face.

[Precious7]

I am so sorry you are going through this. Sometimes it's the very close to our heart people say some stuff that hurt us. You sound like more mature to me. Guess what, you focus on your studies and whatever you like to do. And just understand sometimes people's past play a major role in the way they behave in present. Beauty is in the eyes of beholder for some people from a specific part of the world you may look simple, to other part of the world you may look beautiful and exotic! So, don't worry about what people think, just focus on your inner strength and education. As time will pass by you will grow more physically too so don't worry, as we ages your appearance going to change, including your mom's.

[Alty]

Your mother may be pretty on the outside, but she's a very ugly person. No mother tells their child that they're ugly and does the things she does to you. At least not a good mother, and not a decent human being. One day soon, very soon, she'll get old and get wrinkles and she won't be pretty on the outside anymore, and people will stop paying attention to her only for how she looks. When that happens she'll have nothing, because the only thing important to her is how she looks, and looks fade, no matter who you are. She has nothing but her face, she has nothing else to give the world and once she loses her exterior looks, no one will want anything to do with her, because on the inside she's hideous.

I don't know what you look like, and I don't want to know. I don't judge people on how they look, I judge them on who they are. If you're gorgeous and mean, you're the ugliest person I've ever met. If you're homely but kind, you're the most beautiful person I've ever met. That's how I view people. I have a friend that was in a horrible fire and lived, I've known him since I was 14, we were in confirmation class together for 2 years. The fire left him with no ears, no hair, his face literally melted. It took him 4 years of rehab to be able to touch his nose with his finger because of how badly he was burned. If you saw a picture of him you'd likely scream.

He was afraid to go out because when he did all people did was stare at him. If those people took the time to talk to him they'd think he's the most beautiful person they ever met. He's been through hell and back, and now he volunteers at hospitals all over the world helping children that have been burned, to recover and to have a positive outlook on life. And since starting this he's now confident enough to walk out in public and meet people. If they stare he stops and talks to them, tells them what happened to him, tells them that yes, he's scary to look at, but if you get to know him, he's gorgeous because he has a heart of gold.

That's how you should view yourself. That's how everyone should view themselves.

Who cares what yourself centered horrible mother thinks? She's uglier than the ugliest person I've ever met because of how she acts. If she were a good person I might value her opinion, but based on what you wrote, I have no value in her opinion or in her. She's not someone I'd ever want to know in real life. Horrible, horrible person. If anything ever happened to take away her outside beauty, she'd have nothing, because that's all she has.

You're 17, you only have to put up with her for a while before you can leave and live your own life. I'd leave her in the past and look to the future. Forget about her, let her focus on your sister, and you focus on being pretty on the inside, because really, looks fade, you age, you get wrinkles and you won't always be pretty on the outside, but if you have a good heart that will always shine through, no matter what you look like.

Feel sorry for her. I do. She has nothing in her life, no good in her at all, and she will die alone and miserable because she has no value other than her looks, and her looks won't last.

Be happy that you're nothing like her.

Oh, and I'd show her this thread, and all the posts. Just a little dose of reality for her, which she really needs.

[dontknownuthin]

Your mom is both vain and rude. It sounds like you are in a Western culture where many of us (Caucasians and others) consider Asian people particularly beautiful. If I had a choice of heritage other than the Irish heritage I am, I would LOVE to be Asian.

I went on vacation a few years ago to Thailand and while I was there I got a massage. The young lady who did my massage told me she thought my skin was very beautiful - I am of Irish heritage and am extremely white. I had been self-conscious about my skin the entire trip because all the other women in our group all had great tans, whereas I was white and pink and splotchy and getting freckles. She also thought it was great that I am tall and a little big. She said she felt like she was a little kid and that her brown skin was "ugly" and she wanted more curves and weight "like a woman". For my part, I felt like a total lardass battleship and wanted nothing more than to be slight and petite and girlish looking. She liked my curly hair (which I think of as unruly and a frizzy nuisance). I coveted her long, beautiful, thick, straight jet black hair. It was just beautiful.

Many of us want what we don't have. Next time that she remarks, I would tell her in no uncertain terms that you have heard her opinion before and think it's ignorant and backwards and that, in any event, you look the way you look. As your mother, she should be building you up instead of tearing you apart and if she cannot do that, she needs to shut her mouth about it.

Sometimes even parents need to be corrected. And don't listen to this drivel. You are probably more beautiful than your mother and she doesn't have the emotional skills to celebrate both of you.

[joypulv]

I too have pink-white blotchy skin. I also have wispy blonde hair and washed out blue eyes and invisible lashes.
I think Asian women are the most beautiful in the world!

But that's all beside the point. We all get the mothers we get. My mother always yelled at me about my looks - too fat, too slouched, anything. I always joked (sadly) that if I weighed more than she did, she was happy, but she also yelled at me for being fat, and if I lost weight, she yelled even more about anything else, just because she was so insecure. To this day, long after her death, and at age 70, I am self conscious.

So how can I give advice? It isn't easy for anyone to tell a girl how to gain self confidence on her own. Just avoid talking about looks with her, and have a good best friend or 2 or 3, and be nice to THEM, and give them compliments, and they will compliment you, and you will have a little 'family' of friends to help you adjust to the world.

[Fr_Chuck]

If you don't live in China, looking Chinese esp in the US, is a blessing. In general men like the Chinese look much more than the normal white look. Just look at the 1000's of men who spend 1000's of dollars each year getting Chinese wives.

If your mom is from China, then yes, this is how most real Chinese who live in China believe. That they need whiter skin, larger eyes and so on.

[joypulv]

I wanted to give this some thought before I said it (or not say it at all). Sometimes when a mother is really, really mean to her oldest child it's because that child has a father she doesn't want her child to know about, either from rape or an affair.
If she is saying one of her awful things some day, you could shout "Are you ashamed of me because I have a different father from my sister?" You need to be looking her in the eye to see her reaction in the very first second. It won't matter if she lies or tells the truth or changes the subject, but you might get a clue. Mainly, it might get her to stop.
(Differences in looks don't mean anything, of course, because we all get different sets of genes from our parents. Otherwise we'd all look alike.)

[talaniman]

Don't let your mom's cruelty bring you down. Yes what she is doing with her words is cruelty. Her soul must be hurting pretty bad if she can be so cruel to her own daughter, don't you think? You need to understand she is not as beautiful as she thinks, nor are you anywhere as ugly as she thinks.

Even a pretty face cannot hide an ugly soul, and that's the lesson to be learned by you. Don't be like her. It's one thing for her to be cruel to you, but it's another for YOU to be cruel to yourself because of it. Don't go there!

I bet you won't.

[catonsville]

Tal, I agree with what you said above. Beauty is only skin deep. It is what is inside that counts. Young lady, you will turn out to be very pretty if you don't let your mother get you down. Your mother is the ugly one and you should feel sorry for her. Be bigger than your mother and go through life with your head held high.