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blaktatt99 · Apr 14, 2007, 04:59 PM

My wife and I have been married for 3yrs. We have 4 children (3 from her previous marriage and one together). The youngest (my daughter) is 3. My wife and I have had a pretty tumultuous relationship... up and down. I was very strict and not very loving toward my daughter since we had her. And now she has a very strong bond with Mom and the other children, but not me. My fault --- I've realized and accepted that fact. But, now I'm trying to do something about it... I just don't know what to do. When she is crying or throwing a temper tantrum, I'm the one to come to because she will listen to me --- out of fear my wife says, which is probably true more than anything else. The only time she will talk to me or try to interact with me is when the other kids or my wife are. Any other time she ignores me, will not respond to me unless she is told to by my wife. I've tried to show her more affection and just be nicer to her than I was in the beginning. I haven't been totally consistent about it, but even while I am... it doesn't seem to have any affect. It's as if she doesn't need me and realizes it --- she has Mom and the other kids to go to for pretty much anything she needs. I've asked my wife to maybe come up with some consequence for her when she shuns/ignores me --- but she doesn't think that is a good idea. She says that I just need to keep showing her the love and affection even if she doesn't respond to it (which is pretty hard for me). I really need some advice, because I am clueless.

JoeCanada76 · Apr 14, 2007, 05:11 PM

I think you should take your wife's advice to heart.

First - Consistancy is important to a child. If they do not have it then you will get into problems.

Second - I will say the same thing your wife does, keep showing her love and affection even if she does not show any back.

Third - For three years you have been how do I say it nicely. You have not been real kind to your daughter for three years and after so much time you expect her to come to you or respond to her right away, this is not relistic. If you are really a changed man and you want to earn your daughters respect. You will be loving and kind and show more emotion and also be willing to listen to her whenever she wants your ear. Be understanding to her.

Even if it becomes frustrating and hurtful you need to stay strong and continue to show her unconditional love. It may take 6 months, a year, maybe three or more but you're the parent and it is your job to show her strength, love and compasion and understanding. Eventually if you continue being consistent then she will change the way she behaves around you.

Joe

RubyPitbull · Apr 14, 2007, 05:12 PM

Blak, well I guess I have to agree with you on the clueless part. It is an absolute no-no to set up "consequences" for a 3 year old if she is ignoring you. It is a good way to put an even greater divide between you and your daughter. So, your wife is absolutely correct in this. You have to understand and accept the fact that you were distant for a good part of her young life. You have unfortunately bypassed the time when she needed to bond with you. It is going to take time for her to start recognizing you as a consequential part of her life. Take direction from your wife in this situation. She has obviously done something right or else she wouldn't have the relationship with her children that she does. So, shower your child with love and attention. Find some games you can play with her. Let her win. Laugh with her and cover her in kisses. Hug her. Place her in your lap and read to her. Just keep in mind that some kids can be very independent, even at this young age. Just keep trying to get through to her and BE PATIENT. If you get visibly frustrated, she will pull away and all your hard work will become undone.

Lez · Apr 14, 2007, 05:25 PM

Originally Posted by blaktatt99

My wife and I have been married for 3yrs. We have 4 children (3 from her previous marriage and one together). The youngest (my daughter) is 3. My wife and I have had a pretty tumultuous relationship... up and down. I was very strict and not very loving toward my daughter since we had her. And now she has a very strong bond with Mom and the other children, but not me. My fault --- I've realized and accepted that fact. But, now I'm trying to do something about it... I just don't know what to do. When she is crying or throwing a temper tantrum, I'm the one to come to because she will listen to me --- out of fear my wife says, which is probably true more than anything else. The only time she will talk to me or try to interact with me is when the other kids or my wife are. Any other time she ignores me, will not respond to me unless she is told to by my wife. I've tried to show her more affection and just be nicer to her than I was in the beginning. I haven't been totally consistent about it, but even while I am... it doesn't seem to have any affect. It's as if she doesn't need me and realizes it --- she has Mom and the other kids to go to for pretty much anything she needs. I've asked my wife to maybe come up with some consequence for her when she shuns/ignores me --- but she doesn't think that is a good idea. She says that I just need to keep showing her the love and affection even if she doesn't respond to it (which is pretty hard for me). I really need some advice, because I am clueless.

Hiya try taking you daughter out just you and her and spend some time by yourselves.
Its going to be like starting all over again from the day she was born. Treat her no less and no more than the others but do have that time with her and get to know each other.

beebop · May 4, 2007, 01:48 AM

. I've asked my wife to maybe come up with some consequence for her when she shuns/ignores me --- but she doesn't think that is a good idea.

Punish your daughter for something that isn't her fault? How does that make sense?

Lez · May 16, 2007, 10:42 AM

She will gain the respect for you but takes time. With the spending time alone togeather should help build that.

Fr_Chuck · May 16, 2007, 11:21 AM

I can see a serious issue if you can even suggest consequences if she ignores, you. How in the world,? Sorry but this just bothers me on a 3 year old, with love and spending time with a 3 year old, a complete stranger can make up to a child with time.

So you need to perhaps get some counseling or parenting classes and learn how to deal with children, and do more one on one things with a child.