[meshkr]

Hello, I've been feeling a lot rancor for my oldest brother and his wife, with whom he married 11 years ago. Some background: we come from a traditional society. During the first 3 years they lived with my parents, then they came to live in the capital with my middle brother and me for the next 4 years. They were one-sided, and would profit whenever possible from us all - they still do with our parents (by occasionally cheating money out of them), who are the most naive/coward people in the world.
While we were living together, my sister-in-law would even hide the food bought by her husband, and ask my other brother and me buy things. We have been too tolerant with them, especially my parents and middle brother. Except indifference, I have reacted from time to time - but not enough - to be considered later the black sheep. (My then-married sister has reacted against their injustice too.)
For other 3 years, I lived with my middle brother and his wife, but we were really OK together, in that there was much harmony. Over the last year, I have been living alone.
During all these years, I have been feeling rancorous toward my oldest brother and his wife - for some months I wasn't on speaking terms with them either although we were living under the same roof. (My sister said it's not good in family, so I decided otherwise.)
I want to overcome this rancor but how? Thanks.

[joypulv]

You are a man in your late 20s, with 2 older brothers, both of whom are married, and a divorced or widowed sister, and you are single?
You have been living alone for the last year, but are still bitter about your oldest brother?

It sounds like you blame them for your loneliness, if you are lonely. No matter how greedy they are and how poorly you got along with them, you are responsible for your own feelings and actions. You moved out of your parents' house, which was a good move. We don't know how THEY feel about you - perhaps they think you should be married and have a career. You are working, right, and supporting yourself? You are dependent on your parents? If you are in India, which it sounds like, there is a tendency to live with family members long after the rest of the world moves out. I can't imagine harmony with more than half such arrangements, being in the US.

We strangers online have to always be cautious without the other sides to a story.

But in fairness to you, you are only asking how to overcome rancor. There are millions of ways to say that each of us is responsible for our own actions and feelings. It's difficult to actually put it into practice every minute of every day. We all tend to stew over old feelings. But the goal is to put an end to that, to live in the moment, even if we aren't perfect.

The easiest way to get over something is to keep busy and to have a life that is rewarding to YOU. Friends and hobbies and studies and activities do help. The main part is deciding what is meaningful to you about your own life. If you aren't sure where your life is going in your late 20s, and you are sort of aimless, this will rub off on other people.

And I doubt that your parents are the most naive and cowardly people in the world. How much money they give, or roof they provide, or time and love, to each of you, is THEIR BUSINESS!

[smoothy]

Sorry, Joypulv... I clicked the wrong button, I REALLY need new glasses...

Completely agree with you and wish to add.

Jealousy is a bad habit.. you need to be happy others have what you may wish for, worry about the things in your life you CAN have some control over, and stop worrying about all the things you can't.

If you find yourself doing that... you have way too much free time on your hands. Get a second job, take up some hobbies... anything that will keep you occupied with more positive things.

You had a roof over you head growing up, had clothing and food...in fact you were given far more help by everyone than anyone is "entitled" to. Instead of being resentful or bitter towards them, you should be grateful. You have gotten far more than many people on this earth have or would have gotten. I am am certain you know many of them.

[talaniman]

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to joypulv again.

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to smoothy again.

How do I overcome rancor for my brother & his wife?

By building a life that you enjoy with those you love and who love you. That way you don't have time to be rancorous against those whose actions and words you cannot control. Also equally important is being grateful you are not like the ones who cause you rancor, because OBVIOUSLY they are full of rancor themselves, and you see what that is doing to them!

Pity the poor fools and pray they do better (SOMEDAY) and go about YOUR own business. The more time and distance you keep from those that negatively affect you the better your life will be, so I imagine you should start NOW with that life that you enjoy with those who appreciate that you share it with them.

Besides why are you still even dwelling on the past, when you have a whole world of better opportunities to explore. Get busy and good luck.

[meshkr]

Hi, thank you for the thoughtful and considerate input. So, I'm 34, single, independent in all regards, living in my own apt. and with a great career, and really busy with work and research.

My point is that they can be really tactless, rude, insincere, and INCONSISTENT, which is not normal in a family, I guess. I mean, instead of choosing to live separately, they love to mess with the rest of family, while wearing the mask of respectability and baring their teeth when/as they see it fit. This kind of conduct is so annoying. Though with no proper formal schooling, they're way much better than rest of family with words by always excusing themselves/finding their way out, as if they are the perfect ones..

So, what they do with our parents is none of my business? You're right, but my parents are always saying after my oldest brother's & SIL's back things like: "Oh, we had to give them this and that, as if coerced". I often ask my parents to not share such info with the rest of family..

smoothy.. If I stayed with them for that long, it was basically for cultural reasons, rather than me needing their financial support. On the contrary, I was the one who invested most [about 80%] in the construction of the house where we stayed together, including the purchase of most furniture etc etc. without bragging about that or asking anything from them. In the end, I was rewarded by my oldest brother and his wife with their ingratitude & insults. This is what really hurts! Still, life goes on..

[smoothy]

Just accept others may not be the way we wish they were. Look for the good, and since they are family, overlook the bad. Be happy that you did what you felt was the right thing then... and sleep better by continuing to do the right thing.

Try NOT to be the jealous bitter person, because this things can consume a person over time. I'm not saying to think one is somehow superior than others, just different... be happy with what you do have, Make the most of what life does offer you.

Why, because some people, no matter how much they are bless with... are never happy with what they have and demand more, but more will never satisfy them, and they remain unhappy.

While you hay have someone else who has barely more than the clothes on their back, but is happy and takes joy in what he does have every day.

In the end who lives the more fulfilling life? Learn to do that and you won't be bothered as easily by others, what they might have, how they might act, etc...

[Precious7]

Oh boy, I totally understand the circumstances and situation you are going through. Usually, in those culture, If everyone is a boy in a family who are living with parents or not doesn't matter. (excluding your sister here because she is married in different home.) The responsibility of taking care of the family comes on all 'brothers' but starts with the elder and the middle then younger. But taking into consideration that it also depends on who is working or who is not.
And, I totally understand, that the 'dramas' that would be going on with sister in laws etc. I am not stereotyping here because your middle SIL is totally opposite of your elder SIL, but sometimes its happens in the family especially with you because you are not married yet and they see you as younger and treat you with authority and demands respect from you no matter how they treat you or behave with you personally, and also financially you are individual you don't have wife so they may see you as if you have a lot of money that you don't need and can support the brothers and wife.
About parents now, actually what they do with the PARENTS is your business too in that culture, because in that culture by default as a son doesn't matter elder middle or younger you are suppose to look after them and their well being as they did when you were younger. Yes, if you married person then you don't need to support too much because you have your own family now but still there will be some support little support you need to offer, it also include financial, emotional and social. Don't lose heart, when you see parents supporting elder one more then you because its just they think that they are elder sons/DIL and expect from them that they will take care of them, even though you and your middle brother will too but its just the mindset and experience so ignore that because it could be changed.
About your Elder brother and SIL, so many times they do this kind of activities that you have described in your post, because they just want to save for themselves or for whatever reasons. Some people will understand that you are single and you also need money to save for your future and your marriage and after expenses, But just take it as it is some people don't understand even if they do they just ignore it and continue to take advantage just because you are younger and you need to respect them. But hey, Respecting is a need I understand but there should be some boundaries that you must create because you are grown up and you are not same small brother and you have to plan, save your future too. So, best way is to talk with them and approach them gently and express that how you are trying to save or just simply don't share how much you make, its better not to show, because they don't need to know how much you make, just say some figures. Because you know their cunning ways so its not bad to be little clever in dealing with this kind of people even if they are relatives. And continue to respect them as elders but with boundaries.
And about your heart, Just calm down, forgive them but be vigilant in dealing with them. In a family you can do all these what's going on with love but if other people are not understanding you and taking advantage then its not a bad thing to stand up and speak up, because it won't change if you don't speak up. But in a nice way and clever way. Sometimes you need to call spade a spade just to open the eyes of other person, it can offend them but if you correct someone it doesn't mean you don't love and respect them right!