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    TogetherAbove's Avatar
    TogetherAbove Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Apr 14, 2007, 02:49 PM
    Third wheel of an affair
    I met this couple last summer in a college class and we got along very well so we continued being friends. I learned about them and found that their marriage is friendly, but shows no real emotional love. It seems that they stay with each other because they need each other for all the reasons that aren't marital reasons. She thought about leaving him before she met me, and before her father passed away, but now it seems the main reason why she stays with him is because he holds memory of her father because they lived together with him. He doesn't beat her but does talk down to her like a dog (when she isn't feeling sad though), she cries at LEAST once a week, and he has threatened to leave her on multiple occasions. But I think the main reason he stays with her is to mooch off her uncle's money and father's death insurance money... the only reason why they are surviving and he abuses the money. (for example the other day we went out to the mall to pick up his two new Wii Video Games but he suddenly decided without her opinion "hey there's a PS2 console for sale" and got it... happens all the time and neither of them have a job) And through all this they both live in her father's house and it looks like crap because they don't put much effort in keeping it clean. But this wasn't any of my concern until about a month ago... The wife came to me and said she had an attraction for me. I am 19 years old and honestly classify myself as an emotional guy (They are 27 and married for 6 years). I thought of this as a cry for help and tried helping her for a while asking her difficult questions about her marriage and whether it's worth it or not to cheat on her husband and whatnot and said if she divorced with her husband we could work things out and so I didn't get involved for a while. But one day she waited for me at her house and one thing led to another that day, and led there again for the past few weeks. I have never been in a serious relationship before but I do love her to death and she loves me. I really feel that she should leave him whether she is with me, because all I want is her to be happy. Time is limited on my side because I have a lot of things going on at 19 years old and may be leaving her soon and I don't want to leave her alone if she does get a divorce. She talked to her husband about leaving him and he threatened suicide and made her feel bad about leaving him. He does not know about us but things are getting to the point where we both want to just tell him to get things over with. Several times throughout the weeks she wanted me to marry her, just wanted him to walk in on us, just tell him that she loves me instead. I told her she didn't want that and neither did the they in the end. And it sounds like she needs an excuse to leave him. They are seeing marriage counselers now but I want to know how I can end this all, what I can say to her to ease things, but I honestly can't believe things can work out between them and I partly blame myself for giving into temptations. She has had a past of thinking of cheating on him before and I believe she will again even if I'm gone and she stays with him. I don't know how long we can keep this secret and live this lie, and I don't think she will ever be able to look at him the same way. There may be more to this story that I forgot to mention but any comments would help, thanks.
    Squiffy's Avatar
    Squiffy Posts: 499, Reputation: 84
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    #2

    Apr 14, 2007, 02:57 PM
    I think you would be best to leave this woman alone. She has cheated on him in the past and is cheating on him now, why would she not cheat on you? I think she is using you as an escape from her life, but you want more than that. If she wanted out of that relationship she would leave him, the money is hers, the house is hers, she is not financially dependent on him, and it sounds like they don't have kids together, so she has no reason to stay with him, unless she wants to. I would say you are little more than another affair to her, and affairs rarely lead to anything more than a fling. Good luck whatever you decide.
    shygrneyzs's Avatar
    shygrneyzs Posts: 5,017, Reputation: 936
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    #3

    Apr 14, 2007, 03:00 PM
    Yes, I agree with Squiffy here - get past this woman and do it quick. Do not be the crutch for her to lean on. She is fully capable of handling her life. Whatever she needs to do, she can do. Just do not be the third person at the table, so to speak. That often can get ugly and come back on you.

    You deserve better. Good luck.
    RubyPitbull's Avatar
    RubyPitbull Posts: 3,575, Reputation: 648
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    #4

    Apr 14, 2007, 03:15 PM
    Wow. A lot to handle at 19. I have to say that I agree with Squiffy and Shy. Your "friends" are in marriage counseling. That should give you an idea that she is committed in some way to saving her marriage. If she leaves him it has to be because she needs to do this for herself, not because she has someone waiting for her on the side. If you get together, then what? Will you ever be able to completely trust her knowing that she is the kind of person who has affairs?

    Do what you need to do for yourself. You say you have a lot going on. Go and do it. I can assure you when you get back they will still be together, happy in their self-made misery. This is not something that is that unusual, unfortunately. As you get older, you will understand how completely unhealthy this relationship was for you. Please move on. Find someone who loves you for you, and not you as a crutch to lean on.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #5

    Apr 14, 2007, 03:33 PM
    Sounds like you are the boy toy of the month, sorry but if she wanted to leave, she would have left. She is telling you all of this to justify the affair and not just say, hey, I want sex with a young hot young man.

    Of course if he came home early and happened to shoot both of you, I would bet in that split second you may have decided it was a bad idea.

    Leave married people alone.
    vlee's Avatar
    vlee Posts: 454, Reputation: 109
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    #6

    Apr 14, 2007, 04:01 PM
    You are 19 and have your whole life ahead of you. No need to start it off by getting involved with an older, married woman who doesn't know what she wants and holds no job or plans for the future. (PS, if she were going to leave, she'd probably be looking for a job.) Married people can be attracted to tons of people other than their spouses... they just shouldn't act on it. Stay away. If her husband finds out about you two I'm sure he'd be ticked. Say nothing, do nothing. If she leaves him on her own, look her up if you like.
    TogetherAbove's Avatar
    TogetherAbove Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Apr 14, 2007, 08:21 PM
    First I'd like to thank all of you for your comments, I just got back from work but like I said I am an emotional person and I CARE for her too much to just leave her with this bad marriage. I do love her as a friend and she cries telling me that her biggest fear is to lose me as a friend. I cannot completely leave her because she is about to start working with me, and her husband would wonder why I just completely stopped being friends. She hasn't yet cheated on him before me but had thoughts of it she told me... so whether WE are a permanent thing doesn't matter to me right now which is why I haven't accepted marriage with her, I thought of myself as "waking her up" more than a crutch if you want to say.
    RubyPitbull's Avatar
    RubyPitbull Posts: 3,575, Reputation: 648
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    #8

    Apr 15, 2007, 05:48 AM
    Ahh. To be 19 again. Well my dear, it seems you have already made up your mind. You are totally ensconced in their lives. So, we must have misunderstood what you were asking. We thought you wanted advice on what to do for yourself, not her. There is nothing you can do to help her with her situation. She must make the decision to leave her husband on her own. If you keep trying to talk her into leaving, this may just blow up in your face. If she leaves and in a number of months she suddenly realizes she has made a mistake, she will blame you. Let her resolve her problems with her husband with the help of the marriage counselor. Marriage counselors don't always recommend people stay together. If there is no hope for this marriage, the counselor will tell them that they are better off splitting up.
    miss manners's Avatar
    miss manners Posts: 12, Reputation: 5
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    #9

    Apr 15, 2007, 08:07 AM
    By all means help her get out of her marriage (but set a deadline), but DO NOT move in with her--let the dissolution of the marriage take place with your support but not with you as a cause. As Fr. Chuck notes, it could be fatal.
    NowWhat's Avatar
    NowWhat Posts: 1,634, Reputation: 264
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    #10

    Apr 15, 2007, 10:32 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by TogetherAbove
    I CARE for her too much to just leave her with this bad marriage.
    WE are a permanent thing doesn't matter to me right now which is why I haven't accepted marriage with her, I thought of myself as "waking her up" more than a crutch if you want to say.
    If she isn't willing to walk away - there is nothing you can do. She is not helping make this marriage better for herself. Otherwise, she wouldn't be with you. You can not save someone who does not wish to be saved. YOU are fighting a losing battle.

    And, you accept a marriage proposal - what next? Suddenly she is going to divorce her husband? That sounds like jumping from the frying pan into the fire. Who wins?

    You definitely do not - no matter what happens. It is not healthy for you to position yourself in someone else's marriage.

    Get out now and enjoy your life.
    Krs's Avatar
    Krs Posts: 2,906, Reputation: 320
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    #11

    Apr 16, 2007, 04:20 AM
    I would stay away from both of them. You don't want to be involved with teir martial issues.
    She seems like she has a lot of emotional baggage, if you get involved she may only try to drag you with her especially as you classify yourself as an emotional guy!

    Walk away quick!
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #12

    Apr 16, 2007, 07:40 AM
    Dude you need to wake up and grow up quick, as you are doing this female no good, and leading her astray from being healthy, and finding her own mind. You have come between a husband and wife, and are totally destroying any chance for them to work on themselves, with out your distracting influence. While you may think your actions are noble, they are not. You have taken a vulnerable female and led her beyond the boundaries of her marriage, and stopped her from seeking the help she needs to be healthy, and make a reasonable decision about her future. You sticking your emotional nose in somebody else's business without knowing the whole dynamic of their relationship is deplorable, and there is no excuse for these selfish action using the excuse of trying to help her. You need to get the heck away from them both, and get your own life going. You may feel sorry for her but trust me you have no clue what love is, or how to deal with it, so do yourself a favor, and remove yourself from this all together and leave them alone. You are so wrong on so many levels. Now that she will be working at the same place you are, watch the drama fly.
    ggmagoo's Avatar
    ggmagoo Posts: 41, Reputation: 6
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    #13

    Apr 16, 2007, 03:32 PM
    As I read your post my thoughts were either you're pretending to be stupid or you're seriously immature. Which ever it is, you are not completely void of the basic concept of right and wrong. You clearly got what you wanted out of this of relationship. You took advantage of the situation whether you claim you realized it or not. May I suggest next time you find someone who is single and not in emotional distress. Do the right thing and leave her alone to solve the issues with her marriage. You have made a bad situation worse. How would like it if one day your wife or girlfriend went to the arms of another man for consoling and sex.
    You say you're an emotional guy, but clearly your actions reflect that of one with no conscious or feelings.
    TogetherAbove's Avatar
    TogetherAbove Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #14

    Apr 16, 2007, 09:54 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by ggmagoo
    You clearly got what you wanted out of this of relationship. You took advantage of the situation whether you claim you realized it or not. .
    Maybe I did subconsciously "take advantage" of the situation, but I sure didn't get what I want, may I remind you I resisted her for weeks and said no and she continuously came to me. I lost my virginity to her because I loved her and it wasn't to just "get my rocks off", and she knew that I was one too.. I admit I am young and relationship inexperienced which is why I am here. If we could continue being friends (which is what I would prefer), or maybe even not be friends I don't care, like I said all I want is for her to be happy. I really feel that she dragged me into it (even though I KNOW it is POSSIBLE to resist) and she apologizes to me all the time for it even though I never said it was her fault, but I believe that she brought me in for a reason. Maybe she is just using me as an excuse to get away from her husband? I, for myself could care less, if it makes her happy and gets her out of the bad marriage I say it's worth it. She has agreed not to work with me because she understands. And as for leaving her now that I am already in this situation? Is it really better for both of us for me to leave her now? I have brought it up that we should just stop talking but she cries to the fact of us not talking and her biggest fear between us is for us to stop being friends. My fear of just leaving her now is she might leave her husband JUST so she could talk to me or she might hurt herself emotionally and possibly physically because she thinks she screwed things up. Call me selfish and a jerk for doing this, but tell me what I should do. All of you say to leave her, but with me living with the pain of leaving her behind with a bad marriage? With me living with the pain of her hurting because she can't have me (emotionally and physically)? Should I leave her hurting because she can't have me? Hurting because she would be thinking she ruined my life? Hurting because she will be thinking of me with her husband watching a movie, playing video games, or making love? Hurting because she will always be second guessing her marriage?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #15

    Apr 17, 2007, 04:42 AM
    All of you say to leave her, but with me living with the pain of leaving her behind with a bad marriage? With me living with the pain of her hurting because she can't have me (emotionally and physically)? Should I leave her hurting because she can't have me? Hurting because she would be thinking she ruined my life? Hurting because she will be thinking of me with her husband watching a movie, playing video games, or making love? Hurting because she will always be second guessing her marriage?
    Yes to all of the above, she has hard choices to make in her life and she is the only one to make them. Your interference clouds those choices greatly. It hurts you too, as much as you may want to make things right, you cannot. So my advice is for you to get completely out of her life, as you have already done enough damage. Let her deal with her own issues, and her own marriage, and her own life, without the complications of your inexperience. Anything less will make a bad situation worse. She needs professional help from a trained clinician to guide her through the process of going about straightening her life out, not a teenager who knows nothing of life.
    ordinaryguy's Avatar
    ordinaryguy Posts: 1,790, Reputation: 596
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    #16

    Apr 17, 2007, 05:25 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by TogetherAbove
    Is it really better for both of us for me to leave her now?
    Yes!
    NowWhat's Avatar
    NowWhat Posts: 1,634, Reputation: 264
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    #17

    Apr 17, 2007, 06:23 AM
    Okay, lets say that you love her and she truly loves you. Time will not change that. You need to put some space between the both of you. Let her walk away from her marriage and get her head clear. If she is the one for you or whatever - then you could be together.
    You are putting yourself in an impossible situation. I, personally, think she is taking advantage of you - using you as a catalyst to get herself out of a bad marriage. Once she is out - she will wash her hands of you.
    I think you would be better off, mentally, if you were the one to walk.

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