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onlymyself · May 14, 2016, 09:10 AM

I am 23 years old and have been with my boyfriend who is 24 for nearly 3 years now. The problem is my controlling mother... she is so obsessed with us not being alone and not having sex before marriage that she is really pissing me off.

I am feeling really trapped and really frustrated now... it has always been this way even when I used to go out with my friends she used to make sure to check up on me and call me and talk to my friends when I have a sleep over to confirm that I am not with some guy. I though that this would stop once I grow up, however, she won't even simply let me have a weekend break in the same country for my birthday! I have a full time job which pays well and hence I do not depend on her for money so I really do not see the problem... I understand that it is her house, however, I feel that I am missing a lot by not being able to have a relaxed weekend away or go abroad until I get married! Me and my boyfriend are looking for an apartment as we are fed up, however, when I mention that in around 4 years time I will move out for sure she starts to freak out and tells me not to dream (while we are planning to move out in a year or two and I was trying to tell her slowly to avoid a lot of panic! ).

I hate a LOT of other things... for instance I have a huge phobia of cockroaches and when I see one in my room I cannot get myself to clean it and she start to shout at me that I am such a baby and useless and she also used to hit me with things when I was young. I feel that she tries to control me too much... I have developed anxiety and I think that it is due to my upbringing with her being this obsessive. I hate to say and do things that would hurt her like go for a weekend away without letting her know beforehand because I believe that she after all wants the best for me (as I do not know what another reason would be... even though she lets my 24 year old brother go on campings and weekend breaks and stuff!) and if I try she would throw a tantrum for sure.

Does anyone has any similar experiences? And how can such issues be dealt with?

J_9 · May 14, 2016, 09:33 AM

If you don't like the rules, move out. Once you move out she won't be privy to what you are doing every moment of the day or night. Until then, as long as you live under her roof, you are subject to her rules.

talaniman · May 14, 2016, 09:54 AM

The short simple answer is move out and live your own life. NEVER expect parent not to make rules in their home no matter what age you are, and expecting THEM to change is an exercise in utter futility therefore UNREALISTIC!

If you want her out of your business, then get out of her house. She isn't controlling your life at all, she is RULING her house, which she does have a perfect right to do any way she sees fit.

Been on both sides of this coin, as a child/young independent adult, and as a parent. Yes my kids LEFT when they became INDEPENDENT of us!

So will you, and I doubt if you last another year.

joypulv · May 14, 2016, 10:34 AM

What others have said seems so obvious to me that I'm really curious: Please tell us why you are still there?

onlymyself · May 14, 2016, 10:42 AM

I have started to work just one year ago as before I was studying for my degree (which I obtained) and hence I do not have the required savings to be able to loan a large amount of money for an apartment yet... else I would have moved out already.

smoothy · May 14, 2016, 11:51 AM

So what you do until you can is suck it up and live under her rules. She doesn't HAVE to let you live there at all now that you are an adult. Its a privilege....not a right, many of us couldn't do that because our jobs weren't local when we graduated so we "GASP"..rented an apartment with "GASP" roommates and managed to do it.

Seriously...as someone who has done that because I was hired at a place 4 hour drive from where I grew up....I'm appalled you are whining about the free ride and significant help your mother is providing now that you really have no appreciation for.

joypulv · May 14, 2016, 12:14 PM

Combined income with your boyfriend after a whole year working while living at home SHOULD be plenty, so I'll bet you are spending too much. Clothes, eating out, movies? NOPE. Not if your mother is really this bad. My mother was worse, and I left without a dime to my name. I had several roommates, a big pain at times, just sharing one bathroom and fridge, and listening to noise at all times. But it was worth it. So you either accept your mother, or you rough it.