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Fanta995 · Mar 10, 2016, 02:43 AM

Hi there

Im seeking advice on how to act or control my paranoia towards my girlfriend. It started one night when we had a get together with friends. At one time we started about cheating and I found out that my girlfriend had cheated on her previous boyfriend. They were in a long distance relationship, when I say long distance I mean 20+ miles, in the next town. They both were in school and she said she didn't feel the same about him anymore because he didn't treat her right and didn't care about her. But I knew her prior to dating her and I know she had feelings for him even though she bad mouths him now.

Since then I'm having trouble trusting her and to make matters worse she moved to the same town he was in when she cheated. We only see each other on weekends and then she acts fine but when we chat I notice things and when I confront her we have a huge fight. I don't know what to do anymore, she acts strange nowadays and with these things I notice I can't help to think that she's cheating on me as well. I'm going out of my mind with paranoia what should I do?

joypulv · Mar 10, 2016, 03:59 AM

What you are experiencing isn't paranoia. Please allow people who really do have severe and irrational fear of everything around them to use that term exclusively. You suffer from mistrust and jealousy, two very normal but poisonous emotions that you have let run your life for a while. When you wake up and smell the coffee, you will face reality and deal with your feelings.
20 miles is not long distance. Good grief.

As you get older (you sound very young), you will learn to stop trying to keep something going that just isn't working. You will learn to TALK calmly and directly, expressing your feelings to the other person without accusing. She's either trustworthy or she isn't. You are either perceiving her behavior correctly or you aren't. We can't possibly know. If you can't find out, then you break up and take some time to find out more about your ability to trust. Sure, it's possible to be too trusting as well as too jealous. It can be a life long learning process. Answer back when you have had a good heart to heart. I personally don't think you are ready for this relationship.

A real heart to heart isn't a series of questions or accusations. It's expressing how YOU feel. "Are you back to seeing him?" = no. "I worry constantly that you are back to seeing him." = OK. If she says she isn't and has feelings for you only, then the next step is yours - either force yourself to accept her word, or realize that you aren't willing to, and break up. Don't drag it out.

talaniman · Mar 10, 2016, 05:06 AM

I don't know why or what you would be confronting someone about, but if it leads to a huge fight then stop doing it. There has to be a better approach than the one you are currently using. Secondly and probably most important the basis of your paranoia is her past, and since learning about it you have allowed it to take over the whole relationship. I don't know your ages, nor how long you have been together, or what you expect of this relationship, but obviously you are handling getting to know her badly, and that's something that only you can change.

I would suggest trying to think before you act or speak, and ask yourself did you have trust issues before you got with her? Are you both in the same town, or is your relationship long distance too? I suspect it is. Were you having a huge fight during the week before you found out she was cheating on the ex? Have YOU been cheated on before or have you cheated yourself?

There are many unanswered questions here that could clarify this picture. To be honest this sounds more like a weekend dating thing than a relationship that can be built on for the future, with more obstacles than just distance to overcome. It's a huge red flag though when you cannot handle your own emotions, and let it get in the way of how YOU behave.

Obviously you need to change your whole approach to this, and maybe back up a bit, and reevaluate the value of this relationship, since you cannot even chat without it turning into a huge fight. Another red flag that something is off here, but who to blame? You for being confrontational, or her for reacting to it?

You can't control her, so control yourself. Why do you confront her is my question, and I await your answer.

Oliver2011 · Mar 10, 2016, 06:11 AM

She’s probably acting different because she wants to escape your controlling, needy, desperate, and irrational behavior. I know I would. Desperate and needy isn’t attractive today, it wasn’t attractive yesterday, and it won’t be attractive tomorrow. When you enter into a mature adult relationship with someone, you trust that person until there is reason not to. You have no reason not to right now. What is in the past is in the past. Leave it there. Here’s a thought, instead of thinking so much about you, try thinking of ways of making her life better. If my partner showed any of these signs we wouldn’t be partners.

smoothy · Mar 10, 2016, 06:54 AM

Dude... just move on. Everyone has raised very valid points... so I won't repeat them other than tell you this.

If you have that much drama and problems.. then it simply ISN'T working... and it never will.

Nobody, male OR female.. likes or wants to be controlled or manipulated... and people that think they can do that to others, really aren't going to have a healthy relationship with anyone until they learn that.

Might take someone YOU date harping on you about what you did in the past and holding you accountable for it to see the faulty logic of thinking in this way.

I've walked out of women that did that... I've walked out on women that gave me real, not just perceived reasons to no longer trust them. What I never did is what you are doing. Holding them responsible for who they dated BEFORE I ever met them.