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irishgirl7561 · Apr 13, 2007, 08:55 AM

I am just wondering if anyone who has been through a divorce can tell me some of the emotions they experienced. I am still living at home with my husband, and we have been "discussing" divorce (something I want, be he does not). Even though I feel a deep desire to leave I am still very sad. Today while folding laundry I came across his clothes, I held them tight and cried. I do love him, but I am out of love with him. There are so many inner conflictions and I have been dealing with them for quite some time.

I can't really go into much more detail, it would take far too long... but can someone tell me what these emotions are telling me. Am I not ready to leave, or am I scared and I know I will miss parts of this marriage? I have heard that no matter what, you mourn the loss of your marriage... even if you are the one leaving.:confused:

Any thoughts would be great!

bikerguy · Apr 13, 2007, 09:47 AM

amazingly, most people have all the same emotions, just at diff times! From anger,love,hate,glad,lonely. I taught a class on the grief process for years. Its amazing how everyone had the basic same emotions. Are you sure you want a divorce? Many including myself will tell you it's the hardest thing they have ever gone through in there lives! Then there are the emotional and financial problems that occur when single..

Do you have a pastor or anyone you can talk to. "rebuilding" by bruce fischer is a great book that describes all the emotions you go through. Some say it takes 1 year of healing for every 4 years you were married, there are many variables of course. Feel free to PM me. You do go through every emotion possible and mixtures of them. This topic is sooooooooooooo deep. You could only be served properly by a trained counsellor.

irishgirl7561 · Apr 13, 2007, 01:22 PM

Am I sure I want the divorce? I think so... not 100%. I don't think I will ever be that completely sure. The reasons I want to leave: not emotionally fulfilled, feeling a sense of emptiness, my heart still belongs to *someone else from my past* (bigggg one), and a large void within. Reasons I want to stay: safe, stability, normal and familiar, kids, husband is a decent guy.

The reasons I want to leave are outweighing the reasons I want to stay. Therefore, after more than a year of this realization I want out. At the same time, while I am not *in love* with my husband I DO care about him deeply and do not want to hurt him. Unfortunately I've hurt him already, however, when he found the emails I wrote to the "love of my life". Now he doesn't trust me, and to be honest - I am glad that the cat's out of the bag. I have been emotionally conflicted for quite some time now.

I am seeing a therapist next week. I just cannot see myself ever forgetting about this other person, *and* w/ or w/out him as a factor - I can't see myself ever being 100% satisfied with my husband. Counseling or not. I feel like it's now or never, otherwise I just keep twisting the dagger in his heart. I am sad though, and then there's the children...

vlee · Apr 13, 2007, 01:37 PM

Seeing a therapist is a wonderful step. Sounds like you need help sorting through your emotions, and none of us would be able to help you with that better than a pro. Divorce is very scary. You have to face a lot of fears and start your whole life over. There is a wide variety of emotions and ideas that one minute make you want to run for the hills, and the next make you want to hold on to your present life. I think it is wise that you are seeking assistance to make this very large decision. I think it would be a good idea to involve your husband in therapy if you decide you would like to try to work things out. Hang in there.

bikerguy · May 7, 2007, 08:15 PM

I facilitated a divorce recovery class for 6 years. A lot of people attended. Only a few stated that it was a good thing to do. These were people that were really abused!

Many also said it was the worst thing they had ever gone through in their lives.

MissAdvice · May 7, 2007, 08:23 PM

Originally Posted by irishgirl7561

I am just wondering if anyone who has been through a divorce can tell me some of the emotions they experienced. I am still living at home with my husband, and we have been "discussing" divorce (something I want, be he does not). Even though I feel a deep desire to leave I am still very sad. Today while folding laundry I came across his clothes, I held them tight and cried. I do love him, but I am out of love with him. There are so many inner conflictions and I have been dealing with them for quite some time.

I can't really go into much more detail, it would take far too long... but can someone tell me what these emotions are telling me. Am I not ready to leave, or am I scared and I know I will miss parts of this marriage? I have heard that no matter what, you mourn the loss of your marriage...even if you are the one leaving.:confused:

Any thoughts would be great!

Sounds like you are yet emotionally involved with him, while mentally separated. I suggest marriage counseling, perhaps there are other reasons that may be affecting this. It could be menopause or premenopause, depression, all making you feel this way. I suggest a few months of counseling to make sure this is what you really want. Divorce actually takes longer then getting married. Please consider counseling before you make any immediate actions. MissAdvice

tawnynkids · May 7, 2007, 09:18 PM

Marriage is for a lifetime. You can't quit when you get bored or things get boring. However, that being said... he deserves someone who loves him just as much as you do. If it turns out you can't then maybe you should let him go.

Think long and hard before you let a great guy go. The grass is NOT always greener on the other side. And divorce can be a whole lot more costly than just emotionally. $30,000 just for my fees... we had no joint property, no joint investments, no cars to fight about... just the kids. And boy that can reek all kinds of havoc on your kids too. (I think you said you have kids?)

Yes, you have to be fair to your and his feelings... just take some time to really think about it. Maybe try a test separation for a while before you do anything permanent. Along with all the advice for counseling that is.

krystal1973 · May 7, 2007, 10:41 PM

Boy it sure sounds like you love him to me. Being in love, and loving someone just different levels of love to me. Just the fact that you folded his laundry, and then also crying while you touched them, seems to me that your love for him is sufficient. In my divorce in the past I certainly would not have folded his laundry and sadness was not what I was feeling when I looked at his clothes. The newness of love wears off with every relationship, even if you decide to leave if you fall in love with someone else, the newness will wear off with them also. Try to take a break from the normal routine day to day and spend some one on one with him, and if that doesn't work spend a couple of days ALONE. Not with another man or person who will influence you , and then see what you think.. Marriage is a lifelong commitment, Do everything in your power to salvage it!

Marily · May 13, 2007, 07:36 AM

You can never say that you love someone and at the same time say you are out of love with them, just does not make sense, to me you still love your husband, please try to give your marriage a try, pray and go see your pastor, whatever might b the problem maybe you can still fix it

talaniman · May 13, 2007, 08:18 AM

I think your torn between to many emotions, and am glad you are taking the time to get help sorting them out, before you take a life changing step like divorce. I just wish your husband would join you, as you both are hurting and confused.