[maya H]

My brief life story is this: When I was 5 I was put into foster care, because my parents could not take care of my brother, sister, and I. My Biological parents both had Bipolar, Schizophrenia, and mental retardation. After 2 years of bouncing around in the system (I was 7) my parents decided that it was best to put us up for adoption, the last home I was at decided to adopt us. This family was abusive. The "mother" focused most of her anger on my younger brother and I. She would hit, and kick us, throw things, refuse to let us eat, and lock us outside naked.

We tried everything we could to get out, telling church members, telling the school, and telling all of our caseworkers but none of them did anything because she denied everything. Most of the reason she did this was because our chores weren't done perfectly and we lied about eating food. It got to the point where I would lie just to protect my siblings and take the blunt of her anger. When I was 12 I faked my own kidnapping to get the police's attention, but because I lied the police didn't investigate.

Things got much worse after this. My little sister started getting hurt and I couldn't do anything because the "mother" sent me away to her mom's house or locked me outside and made me watch. The "mother" even started choking me and threatening to kill me with a knife. When I turned 13 I decided to runaway with my brother and sister. We succeeded and got put back into foster care. A year later I was adopted with my sister in a pastor's family.

I'm 16 now. I still have nightmares from everything that happened. I lie when I don't need too. It's almost on impulse and then I don't have the guts to admit that I lied. I don't want to disappoint anyone any more. I have been in counseling for the past 2 years and nothing has changed. I'm not getting any better. I've actually been hospitalized twice for suicidal thoughts. Why can't I stop lying, and having nightmares? It keeps getting worse.

[Fr_Chuck]

Because you have never faced the issues, and got professional help.

At 16, where are you living ? Who is caring for you?

[maya H]

Because you have never faced the issues, and got professional help.

At 16, where are you living ? Who is caring for you?

I've been adopted into a pastor's family. I have started facing the issues, I've been in trauma counseling for a year and a half now.

[joypulv]

You lie and have nightmares because you don't feel truly safe yet. That's simplified, but basically it. If it's getting worse, you need better therapy. Not all therapists are created equal. You need a really, really special one. You also need one who can keep an eye out for possible bipolar and/or schizophrenia, which can start around your age. But somehow you still need to assume that you don't have a mental illness that serious, because there is no test (yet) that can diagnose it, and you want to hope you don't.

Not only does every child have a right to feel safe, but a child who lies to an extreme (all children lie; it's the way they test people around them and is part of growing up) is PROTECTING herself. If you feel suicidal because you feel guilty, and can drop the guilt, then hopefully you won't feel suicidal. Easy for me to say, I know. It's going to take a lot of work to not feel guilty. After the lie-panic has had time to calm down, minutes or hours or days later, go to the person you lied to and tell the truth. Ask for understanding about the old fears. (Do you think you will be understood?)

Abused children usually feel guilty, no matter what. Getting past that is a big step.

As for nightmares, there are things you can try before accepting medications. As someone who has taken medications, I can tell you how varied reactions can be among people who take them, especially as regards sleep. Some even cause more intense dreams and nightmares, not their intention.
So try some of these: No food or drink except water (possibly warm cocoa) for 3 hours before sleep. No intense TV shows, no arguments online, nothing intense at all. Maybe read for 30 minutes, from a book you know is soothing. Write in a journal about your day, and try to write down an insight for the day. Have a light on, even if a 4 watt night light. If someone can buy you a cute or pretty one, like a sea shell or cartoon character, that might be nice. Soft music, sound tracks of birds or ocean or whales talking, some soft sound for a while. Get a stuffed animal. Any chance of a dog or cat? They can be enormous help. Recite a poem. My favorite is The Love Song of the Wandering Aengus by Yeats. It isn't about an old man in love with a young girl, it's about lost innocence and youth, and wanting to regain it.

Come back for more ideas from others!

[Jake2008]

You are a survivor, and please accept a pat on the back and a big virtual hug from me!

You may think you don't have strength, but you have the power and instinct of a mountain lion, which you have proved, over and over again. I think you are amazing for what you have lived through, and continue to live through.

Try to think of what you are going through now, adds up, or will add up, to validation of what you have been through. Therapy lets you not only get the stories out, from that chapter of your life, but all the fall-out behaviours that have followed. It will take time. Maybe years, considering the extent of what you have been through.

Think of the past, as a chapter in your life. It was a terrible living nightmare. There is no doubt about that- none. But, you lived through the beginning, middle and end of that chapter.

This chapter now, is the healing, and coming to terms with the first chapter, as best you can. You may now, feel only marginally better, and you can function, but chapter one, still takes up much of your day, and your behavior. As you learn to accept the past, as the past, and live day to day without the shadow of the past, chapter one may rear its ugly head from time to time, but gradually that period of your life will be reflected on, only from time to time. But reflection of past events will no longer prevent you from living your life, without that big dark cloud over your head.

You will heal! As you survived, you will also thrive. You have been given a shot at life, and all the good that comes from your character, resolve, and determination will be put forward in a positive way, more even than those characteristics that also kept you and your siblings alive.

Start keeping a diary. When a 'wave' hits you, write it out. Maybe think of setting aside 20 minutes of your day to find a quiet place, and just write. Write what comes, not what anybody is expecting you write. You may wish to explain the lying that you mentioned in your post, what you lied about, what happened as a consequence, etc. Read over your diary once a week, and you will begin to recognize change in yourself. You'll see less hurt, anxiety, fear, and guilt, and instead more reasonable, less troubling behaviours and feelings.

If you can, you may wish to replace the counselor you have, with a new one. Any trained counselor accepts this without feeling slighted. Counsellors actually expect this to happen from time to time, and it does. It is not a 'fault', and feelings won't be hurt. You may find others along the way who have also had to switch counselors more than once.

I truly wish you well in your journey, and from what you have said about yourself, I have every confidence that you will continue to get past the horrors of yesterday, and into the great life you can now design, for your future.

Strength like yours is a gift.

[Oliver2011]

I echo Jake's thoughts... You my friend are a survivor. Trust me, as a survivor myself the pain and suffering goes away with time. Growing up helps too. But always be proud that you survived and you helped your siblings survive. Well done!

[talaniman]

After what you have been through it may take several years to make a lot of progress so give yourself a break and not be so hard on yourself. You deserve a lot of credit for getting where you are.

I hope your siblings are doing a well as you.