[eddie5498]

A recent male friend of mine whom I have known as in he's been at funerals, parties, out socially for last 10 years and I have spoken to and danced with became a bit friendlier in terms of we swapped numbers, he telephoned and text most days for hours on end and we shared fun and banter and he asked how my day was going and how spanish lessons were etc, then it got onto sexual innuendo and wanting me to go on whatsapp and send pictures which I refused.

We weren't having sexual intercourse, but it happened a week before it split after 2 months but was not very successful. He stayed over a lot in the last 2 and half months and came for a cup of coffee in the day, we had a bath together but I wouldn't go the whole hog as he hadn't long been split with his ex July August who gave him an ultimatum that he move in with her out of town and he didn't want to as has his son living with him in his own town. Despite this she was still in contact and appeared to confuse him by saying she thought it was a kneejerk reaction on her part and she shouldn't have done it. This sent alarm bells ringing and I let him know that I didn't want to get attached to someone on the rebound.

He ignored me and kept contacting me. We carried on and went out a couple of times for a drink and a meal and we were going to go dog walking down the beach next. But 2 weeks ago she went to see him to talk whilst I was at hospital having a mole removed from my nipple which I had been worried about . I also was on antibiotics for cystitis due to the sexual encounter so a bit run down. He was away for the weekend and I never involved him with taking me to hospital so I drove there and got taxi back. He sent a text saying he would be thinking of me, then 2 hours following the text he said he hope all went well and thought it best to be honest but his ex had been in touch that day and wanted to talk and he would text me when she went home. I never heard, so that night I had bit of pain for 4 hours keeping me awake and thought it was obvious she had stayed over.

Next day he text to ask how I was but didn't text later that night as usual. I didn't need to ask but I did and asked what the upshot of the talk was and to be straight and just tell me were they back together. He said they were discussing it and couldn't talk now as his head was f... and would speak as and when. Next day he came and we talked and I asked if they had spent the night together and he said yes but only kissed!! I was pragmatic and said that was it then. He didn't want to go, said he would miss me and wanted to stay the night and go and get a bottle of wine, but I sent him on his way and have had no contact since until he text me on Monday morning at 8am saying morning, how are you, how is your chest, nice picture of you on Facebook with Barry, (age 72, my friend) wink wink. I didn't answer.

What's his game? Is he wanting his cake and eat? Was it just a friendly text? Did I do right ignoring or should I have answered brief fine thanks? I'm starting a top job soon and need to stay focused and despite not knowing him long it's hurt me as in he didn't give me much respect. Says to take it slowly and not highlight things in my town in case it went wrong, not keen on going out, but said he wasn't just after sex and if he was he'd have given up after two months. Said that he hopes he hasn't cocked up.. and if it goes wrong I might be with someone else by then.

They split once before too due to her not moving in with him when she said she would. He never told her about me so don't know her reasons for being back. What's his game if that isn't obvious, he says he wasn't cheating on her or me.

[Oliver2011]

Knowing what game isn't as important as knowing it is a game. Sounds like it was a rebound and he boomeranged right back to her whenever she gives him some attention. If he hasn't made a clean break then he won't put you first. And who wants that? You have a nice distraction in your new job so concentrate on that for a while. I would send him packing and wait for a proper suitor to come your way. But it's really up to you and what you want.

[Jake2008]

This isn't about him so much as it is about you, and the decisions you make, and perhaps even hedging your bets, in case there is a chance that this man will choose you.

You are either very young, or very immature, or a person without any moral compass, or honour.

You cheated with a man who is (still) in a relationship with another woman, and not only that, but you have stabbed that woman in the back by doing so, which is never right.

YOU have created a three-way relationship, by having a relationship with a man who is otherwise involved with another woman. A bath? Really? How cheap and tawdry.

Let me make this as clear as I can, as to my opinion on your situation. Cut ties with this man. NO contact. He has to deal with the mess he has created, on his own.

Leave married/involved men, off your radar. No matter how you may be attracted in, or interested in, another woman's man, keep your hands/thoughts/actions to yourself.

Find somebody who is NOT involved with another woman. Not a man on the rebound. Not a man who flips from one side of the fence to the other, not a man who lies, covers up, distorts the truth.

Have a little more respect for yourself, and set your standards a little higher. Accept your responsibility for the position you now find yourself in, and vow to never be in this situation again.

You're a big girl. Now be an honourable one.

[talaniman]

This isn't complicated, as he will say whatever it takes to keep you where you are at, the chick on the side, in case the main one cuts him loose. You could have walked away a long time ago and not looked back, and the good news is you still can.

So what are you waiting for? You have wasted enough time on player guy, so stop playing the emotional game with him. That's a good way to confuse and hurt yourself. I bet you know that already.

He isn't confused at all, he knows EXACTLY what he is doing!

[eddie5498]

This isn't complicated, as he will say whatever it takes to keep you where you are at, the chick on the side, in case the main one cuts him loose. You could have walked away a long time ago and not looked back, and the good news is you still can.

So what are you waiting for? You have wasted enough time on player guy, so stop playing the emotional game with him. That's a good way to confuse and hurt yourself. I bet you know that already.

He isn't confused at all, he knows EXACTLY what he is doing!

I ignored him to put an end to it on Monday.. and had already said no to his request to text me at work and befriend me on Facebook and said if he text me I would ignore him.. but he still text me and I ignored as said as felt by answering him it would give him the green light to keep bugging me at work again and repeat his antics.. yes he does know what he is doing.. thanks for your advice x I'm just lost on what's right or wrong anymore so hard to meet someone genuine x

[Oliver2011]

"so hard to meet someone genuine"

Amen. That's why you can't rush the process. When you first meet someone you are interested in, both parties are actors for weeks to months before they show their true colors. Rushed relationships are doomed for failure. Take it slow and get to know the real person while they get to know you. I think it was about 3 or 4 years before I let my partner move in. But at that point we knew each other inside and out. And that is just one of the things you need for a successful relationship.

I ignored him to put an end to it on Monday.. and had already said no to his request to text me at work and befriend me on Facebook and said if he text me I would ignore him.. but he still text me and I ignored as said as felt by answering him it would give him the green light to keep bugging me at work again and repeat his antics.. yes he does know what he is doing.. thanks for your advice x I'm just lost on what's right or wrong anymore so hard to meet someone genuine x

[eddie5498]

This isn't about him so much as it is about you, and the decisions you make, and perhaps even hedging your bets, in case there is a chance that this man will choose you.

You are either very young, or very immature, or a person without any moral compass, or honour.

You cheated with a man who is (still) in a relationship with another woman, and not only that, but you have stabbed that woman in the back by doing so, which is never right.

YOU have created a three-way relationship, by having a relationship with a man who is otherwise involved with another woman. A bath? Really? How cheap and tawdry.

Let me make this as clear as I can, as to my opinion on your situation. Cut ties with this man. NO contact. He has to deal with the mess he has created, on his own.

Leave married/involved men, off your radar. No matter how you may be attracted in, or interested in, another woman's man, keep your hands/thoughts/actions to yourself.

Find somebody who is NOT involved with another woman. Not a man on the rebound. Not a man who flips from one side of the fence to the other, not a man who lies, covers up, distorts the truth.

Have a little more respect for yourself, and set your standards a little higher. Accept your responsibility for the position you now find yourself in, and vow to never be in this situation again.

You're a big girl. Now be an honourable one.

I'm 53 don't sleep around and have generally given up on meeting anyone genuine. I have high moral standing as highly qualified nurse and due to dad hurting mum when she was alive have never entertained married or attached men so would say that this is an insulting and harsh assessment of my character. I t was two months in until we touched on sex and as far as I knew he was telling the truth that they had split . After many bad relationships due to liars and cheats I have tried my best to still.see the good in people until proven wrong .I asked him if he had been cheating by chasing me and that I would be mortified if I thought he had .he denied this but would.tthe advice to set standards higher are right . I knew someone for fifteen years only to discover his face in the paper accused of downloading images.. I went out with another ho had a double life and had someone else pregnant under my nose.. I am pretty instinctive but I never knew and in this case I think he was the only cheat and I did not knowingly cheat on this woman if this was the case rather I felt disrespected by what he has done and disappointed that he turned out to not be as genuine as I thought.. think the assassination on my character is biased and inaccurate in this case.. life is for being too careful and taking it slow which is what I did but eventually it is about giving someone the benefit and yes taking a chance that they might be telling the truth and be genuine.. more fool me eh ?

[talaniman]

I'm just lost on what's right or wrong anymore so hard to meet someone genuine

That's perfectly understandable to be a bit lost at the way things have unfolded, and the risks you took has yielded no return, but hurt. That you are sticking to your guns despite the hurt is an admirable quality to rely on, as you process your own feelings and heal, and regain your strength for the next adventure life will throw your way.

I totally agree with Oliver in the GO SLOW suggestion, for the reasons he gave, but it's time to break whatever emotional attachment you have made with this fellow because that definitely is the right thing to do for yourself. The right thing is never the easiest thing to do for sure.

Grab a GIRLfriend and celebrate your escape.

[eddie5498]

Thanks.. doesn't get easier the older you get this single life is a minefield and a common theme runs between men and women in it not being easy to meet a decent person.. up early for work and thanks.. I was very hesitant with this person but he was putting pressure on for sex and I was getting stressed and we talked about it and he backed off.. I'm outwardly indepenent.. own house etc but maybe come across as vulnerable so they think they can take advantage.. I agree with the slowly too.. thanks I know you have been giving advice on here for a while.. thanks for good advice without knocking my confidence and feeling like personal attack.. although maybe sometimes we could all do with a kick up the bumb.. I'm just best stopping away from men and doing my job and caring for dad with alzheimers and my two dogs.. dint have much luck.. got dumped when I was pregnant too.. no wonder I cant get it right ! Let you get on.. thanks x