[Fr_Chuck]

No stephmgr, a closed adoption is just that, your original birth certificate and any adoption records are sealed. You are not allowed to see them. So there is no legal way in a sealed adoption to see those records.
Next if you were adopted as a small child, you may not have a social security number, or your adpotee birth parents may have gotten you a new one.

And I have nothing against people searching, but they need to be informed.

[Jhanna_Hi]

i was adopted at birth in hudson new york 1993. the hospital was Columbia Memorial Hospital in hudson ny. it was a closed adoption. i was adopted in to a family my adopted father is a doctor he works at Columbia Memorial Hospital he has been since before i was born. i am 14 years old now i have no information on my birth parent only that my birth mother was 16 years old. please i am going through a horrible time i need to find at least my birth mother. please help me.. :( :( :(

I was in the same boat as you! I was adopted at birth in Washington State. It was a closed adoption and I didn't know anything about my birth parents... My Adoptive Parents names were on the birth certificates... There was nothing!

Then the end of last year I found a website, of a person named Judith Euritt. For a $400 fee she will go into the courts, petition and do all that stuff... luckily my birth mom chipped in half.

Judi was very nice and she said it could take up to 6 months or something, and I just filled out a form...

Within 3 weeks! She called me up.. I will never forget... I was at work and she called me and she said "Oh I talked with your birth mom and here is her number" I started crying! I was like... Oh my gosh, so fast!. She also found by birth father and I talk to my half brother on the phone almost every day! I am trying to get to Washington to see them all... They are all living in different areas now... but I can not even tell you! It was SOO WORTH the money...

And I didn't think it would work because I didn't know ANYTHING about my birth parents except that My dad left my birth mom when she got pregnant.

[sue2u]

You will have to wait until you are 18 to start your own search.

It's unusual that you were adopted in a closed adoption in 1993. Most adoptions were at least semi-open at that time. Have you talked to your parents about this?

Why are you in need of your birthmother? if you think she'll step in and make life with your parents easier, you have another think coming. I'm a birthmother, and if my daughter EVER thought I'd go against her parents, she'd have another think coming.

Are you sure your parents don't have contact with your birthmom? I know that I don't contact my daughter directly. Her parents send me a letter once a year, and I send them one. We have each other's phone numbers, but they are for emergencies only.

Hon...you really need to talk to your parents about this. Only they can help you with the questions you have right now.

:rolleyes:

:rolleyes: You were way to harsh! Where is your heart at lady!! You are talking to a child that is wanting some answers and regardless of how you feel you should think about how he feels. Shame on you!

[Jadire]

In8love, in answer to your question, definitely talk to your parents about your desire, and explain why it is important to you. They will be able to help in your search and may have a number of answers for you already.

Agreed... but no one addressed that if she is having a hard time... maybe the adopted parents have issues... there are other outlets that can give her relief in the meantime while she attempts to find her bm.

Depending on the problem at home... it may need to be addressed via some community resource.

[sue2u]

:rolleyes:

:rolleyes: You were way to harsh! Where is your heart at lady!!! You are talking to a child that is wanting some answers and regardless of how you feel you should think about how he feels. Shame on you!!

The ones that adopted him are not his real parents and by all means he has the right to find his biological parents when he gets older. You have to be adopted to understand that there is a void in the adoptee's life regardless. He should try to sit down with his A/parents and talk with them and hopefully they would help him.

[Synnen]

I'm a BIRTH MOTHER.

And YES, the people who adopted him are his "real" parents. They're just not his FIRST parents. Or what---they were imaginary parents? Come on!

Maybe I was heartless... but I was also realistic. People in their teens who are searching for biological families are generally not just curious, or feeling a "void" in their life. What they want is someone who "understands them" (as if anyone can understand a teenager except another teenager--at least in to their point of view) or who will let them do things that their parents won't let them do.

I believe that I did say that he should talk to his parents, and that his best bet for getting answers is to be truthful with them about why he wants the answers to begin with.

[Fr_Chuck]

Sorry sue, but no you have no real idea from my opinion, I am adopted and I have a son who is adopted, and the adopted parents is the real parent, they are the ones who was there when they were sick, they were there when they were scared at night, they are the ones who lost sleep waiting up for them when they did not come in on time, Their the ones who did without a lot of personal things so their children could have things. That is what a real parent in, sperm donors in a sweaty embrasse are just breeders, and to me have no real rights to even be considered a parent, a parent is a verb, a action, something that is done, so the real parents are the ones who raise the child.

And you can call be heartless but I am a realist, as teens, they don't know what they want in their life, and often look for easy ways out of dealing with real life, and some fanticy parent who is rich, or who is sitting there wanting them, is just that fanticy and they need to work with there "real parents" and learn to be happy being who they are.

[sue2u]

I certainly understand what/where you are coming from but with that in mind we all have the right to our opinion. I don't want to get off the subject of this young person searching for this BParents. I feel that everyone has the right to know/search if that is what they want of course when they are old enough. Who are we to judge what others want or feel. To say that the Birthparents are nothing more than a sperm donor could be true for some but not for all. You must know the circumstances before you judge a birth parent.

[SharonfromHoboken]

I'm a BIRTH MOTHER.

And YES, the people who adopted him are his "real" parents. They're just not his FIRST parents. Or what---they were imaginary parents? Come on!

Maybe I was heartless....but I was also realistic. People in their teens who are searching for biological families are generally not just curious, or feeling a "void" in their life. What they want is someone who "understands them" (as if anyone can understand a teenager except another teenager--at least in to their point of view) or who will let them do things that their parents won't let them do.

I believe that I did say that he should talk to his parents, and that his best bet for getting answers is to be truthful with them about why he wants the answers to begin with.

You were not "realistic" at all. You made assumptions and jumped to conclusions. Conjecture is not reality.

I wouldn't call you "heartless"... it's more along the lines of completely lacking any understanding or knowledge of his situation and jumping to a presumptive conclusion, with a dash of sanctimonious on top of it all.

I am a mother of grown children and I am also an adoptee. And many many years ago, I was a teenager who was desperate to find out more about my background, and it certainly wasn't because I was looking for someone who would 'let me do things that my parents won't'. Sorry, but that really had me laughing. I can only speak for my own experience, but frankly I could have had sex on the dining room table during Sunday dinner, then smoked a joint and downed a bottle of Scotch and my adoptive parents would not have cared... assuming they were sober enough to notice what I was up to. Frankly, I preferred them passed-out drunk because when they were sober I was beat without mercy for imaginary reasons. They were angry alcoholics and needed someone to blame, and being the adopted outsider, I was a safe target. This was back in the day before child protective services. I would really like to believe that my situation would be much less likely to be someone else's reality these days.

Every day I thanked God that these people were not my "real" parents.

Anyway... I knew next to nothing about my real parents. Asking my adoptive parents only led to a severe beating, after which I was literally kicked down the cellar stairs and left locked in the cellar for two days. Oh... and when they finally let me out... I was beaten again because I had urinated on the cellar floor (like I had a choice in the matter).

It took me nearly 3 years to work up the courage to ask that question. Luckily for me, I got some answers while being beaten so it was worth it. Nothing quite like being beaten by people who don't know when to shut up, lol.

I wanted to know about my background... who and where I came from, what kind of people were they, what did they do, what did they look like, etc so I could identify with something because God knows there wasn't a darn thing in my home life for me to identify with. Teenagers are searching for identity... their own identity... and when you don't even have a basic foundation in place that can be so much more difficult than for an average teenager. For instance, I loved to read and excelled in science and math. The couple who adopted me had trouble keeping minimum wage jobs as clerks in discount stores and I never saw them with any reading material other than TV Guide. If I had known that my real father was a scientist, it would have connected some imaginary dots in my sense of identity and self. I also looked very different from the couple that adopted me, and there is no faking a sense of physical or ethnic identity. I stuck out like a sore thumb and I knew it. My adopted name was of an ethnicity that I obviously was not.

When I finally met my real father, for the first time in my life I saw someone who was my own flesh and blood; someone with whom I could identify with in physical appearance. It was a wonderful feeling. It's very hard to describe what this is like to someone who has never experienced it. Most people grow up hearing "you have your fathers eye's, your mother's hair, you're tall like your grandfather's side of the family, your uncle is dark like you, etc". I didn't have anything to identify with, ever. Most adoptees don't.

You have no idea what life is like on the other side of the coin.

Fr_Chuck... there are ways to have sealed records unsealed, usually unofficially. I know this because I had it done. The Judge who allowed me to examine my file was very sympathetic because he himself had been adopted.

[sue2u]

I must say you hit every point that there was to hit. It sad to read the life of living hell you lived but in the same respect you chose a better life for yourself. Good for you!

[HatingToSleepInAColdBed]

in8love19,

Hi there. I was adopted, so I figured I could relate to you well. I am not sure what "hard times" you are going through, but at age 14, I can come up with 100's of ideas. Those were really bad years for me as well. I'm 25 now, and my life is just starting to settle down. Just to briefly give you some info on me: I was adopted as a baby by parents who could not have their own children. My life was far from perfect, but miles from horrible. I was provided with everything I needed, everything I could possibly want. My parents were wealthy and spoiled me, however emotionally, weren't there for me. My father was a functioning alcoholic, and when times were bad, times were REALLY bad. He was never physically or verbally abusive, but boy was he emotionally. Anyway's, I built up a lot of resent towards my father around your age. When things got bad I would think about trying to contact the people that gave birth to me (do note my use of the term "parents" and "people that gave birth to me"). Because of my age, I was never able to do so. As the years went by I graduated high school, went to college, and I just received my Masters degree. I happened to study behavioral criminology-which encompasses a lot of psychology. I now know that many times, when an adopted child reaches out to their biological "parents", they are extremely disappointment with the result. I believe, children spend all those years building expectations, and then if they are let down, which many times they are, that can be even more devastating than never knowing. At this point in my life, I have no desire to try to find the people who gave birth to me. I am very glad I did not make the decision to do so when I was younger. People don't understand how much emotional strain, whether it be negative or positive, they will endure when adding that extremely large new chapter to their lives. If you aren't emotionally stable now, I don't believe finding your birth "parents" will make your situation any better. I am not sure if I will ever desire to find the people who gave birth to me. However, I am curious from time to time. If I ever do make that decision, it will not be until I am older and my life is settled and stable. Always remember, no one can change your life but yourself. You control your own happiness. Hope this helped.

[sue2u]

I certainly understand and can relate to what you are saying. I am not looking to reunite with B/Parents but I am in dire need of medical information which I feel I have the right to. I have a lot of medical problems which could affect my children. My life is stable and has been for years but my medical condition is not stable nor will it ever be without medical information.

[SharonfromHoboken]

I now know that many times, when an adopted child reaches out to their biological "parents", they are extremely disappointment with the result. I believe, children spend all those years building expectations, and then if they are let down, which many times they are, that can be even more devastating than never knowing.
<snip>
People don't understand how much emotional strain, whether it be negative or positive, they will endure when adding that extremely large new chapter to their lives. If you aren't emotionally stable now, I don't believe finding your birth "parents" will make your situation any better.
<snip>
You control your own happiness.

I totally understand what you are saying, but for many people just getting some answers straight from the source can be a very healing experience, no matter what the outcome is.

I found both my birth parents. It was a very rocky situation with my birth mother to begin with, and things deteriorated rather rapidly. The situation with my birth father was completely different. I was welcomed with open arms and truly loved by him. For my own sake, I needed answers about who I was in the most basic sense and where I had come from, and I got them. I would not trade the closure I got from the experience (both good and bad) for a million dollars. For me, not knowing was not an acceptable option. It would have literally eaten me up inside.

Many adoptees have unrealistic expectations concerning their birth parents and the circumstances surrounding their adoption. Sometimes the truth of the situation is just plain ugly, and is certainly nothing like the fantasy the adoptee has imagined. This is one situation in life where it is best to have low to no expectations.

You are right in saying that people control their own happiness. Everyone is dealt a hand in this life, and one has to play the hand they were dealt without any excuses.

[vkoslin]

I've gone through the same thing. I was adopted from a closed adoption in 1987 and I've been dreaming of my birth mom forever. For my whole teenage life I wanted to know her, see her, see who I looked like.

As years passed, the desire sort of went away. I'm 22 and I'm desperate to KNOW, but I think meeting may be a VERY bad idea. I thought of all the possibilities: what if she died? It would break my heart. What if I found her and she pretended not to know me? These things I couldn't handle. I really understand what you're going through. Make a promise to yourself. Promise that you will search for information only. If you have to contact, please just email. If you call or visit it could be devastating. Maybe she has a family now and never told anyone about giving birth to you... you could ruin a new family. I'm just saying, please stay strong. I feel where you are coming from and I REALLY understand. I think searching for information could be just as satisfying, you know?

[Synnen]

Closed.

This thread is TWO YEARS OLD>