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    pointzero2015's Avatar
    pointzero2015 Posts: 28, Reputation: 2
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    #1

    Dec 6, 2015, 01:43 AM
    Husband had an affair for 2+ month
    We have been married for 10 years with 3 kids, and 2 dogs. All was good.
    In January 2015, my husband could not get a job in town, so he took a contract job in a different state, 800 miles away.
    He ended up stayed there for full 10 month, and came back home on the until October 31, since his contract was done.

    Today is December 6th, I got a call and text from a woman in the evening.
    She asked me if I am my husband's wife. I said yes, and she told me my husband cheated on me with her. In a second, my whole world collapsed. I am still shaking while I am writing this.

    She says, my husband posted his profile in eharmony.com, met a single woman and introduced him as a rich single man in late August.
    It turns out that they had an affair for over 2 month (September, October) until the day he came back to family. While my husband dated her, he took her very expensive dinners and shows.
    They had sex multiple times, she stayed over at my husband's place, celebrated my husband's birthday. She even picked him up at the airport when he flew from home. It makes perfect sense, since my husband did not come home at all in 9-10, excused he was very busy at work.

    It was a full blown version of relationship!

    My husband told her he has an agent took care of his sons, house and dogs in his hometown (it means me). My husband pretended a rich man and told her he would buy an expensive house for her in her area, and started to see the houses there too.

    Although, when he came back home, he did not break up with her clearly, told her he might come back, but he stopped to call her since. That's why she was anxious, googled his name and my name, and called me today.

    I confronted my husband. He lied hard first, and then collapsed, and said all is right. He was lonely, made mistakes, but would ask my forgiveness, he likes to save marriage, and he loves me. He suggested to go for a counseling.

    What a day! My whole world became upside down today.

    For the past 10 years, I have worked so hard with my full time job to pay bills, take care of kids. I was the bread maker in our family, and I never dreamed he would cheat on me.

    In a shock, I already called my parents. They will come out in a week to sit down with us. My parents lend us so much money when we bought our big house... I thought we would be together until we die, but now I am thinking about divorce.

    I am so scared and broken. Please help.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #2

    Dec 6, 2015, 06:56 AM
    I am sorry you are going through the aftermath of your husband's infidelity.

    Sad as well, that the woman he fooled into thinking he was single, was also duped.

    Worst of all, your children have also been betrayed, and they too will suffer the consequences of his affair.

    And now your parent are dragged into this. Obviously they invested themselves, and their money, into helping you and your husband.

    Quite a few victims are adding up aren't they?

    And he was on a dating site, looking for another woman.

    He has turned everybody's life upside down, and now he is forced to confess, and then wants counseling?

    My guess is he will have all kinds of excuses, and reasons, to blame you as contributing to his need to have an affair. He will claim that he was lonely, stressed out, and overwhelmed with his job. All the usual sad reasons for having an affair.

    Had he been a faithful husband, and a good person, he would have realized before he signed on to a dating site, that he was getting himself into trouble, that would have dire consequences. Had he gotten away with it, you can be sure that had nobody known about it, he would have done it again.

    His suggestion for counseling is a joke.

    I cannot tell you what to do, or what to decide. While I'm happy that you will have your parents to help you through this, it is only you that can make the decision to have him leave, or for you to leave yourself. I would suggest at the very least, some time apart.

    Should you eventually decide to separate, and then divorce, please be careful of any and all assets you have. Seek a legal separation to stop him from having access to everything, so that all YOUR hard work in taking care of yourself, your children, and your home financially, is not drained by him.

    If he is capable of doing what he's doing, and realizes the marriage is over, he will take what he can, which could leave you and the children in a much worse place financially. Seek legal help and find out what your options are.

    I wish you well.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #3

    Dec 6, 2015, 08:16 AM
    It will take years to overcome the emotional trauma you have been put through by your husband, and glad you have your families support. I don't think it's unreasonable to EMPOWER yourself by taking FULL control of the family finances, keeping him on a well deserved short leash, and make no bones about what you expect of him going forward. If he is sincerely willing to save the marriage he will do what it takes to accomplish this and make amends fully and be responsible for whatever you decide at the end of YOUR timetable for an honest evaluation of his actions and behavior.

    It's important to note I think, its about what you want and need and NOT him, o take NO blame or responsibility for HIS acts of betrayal and deception since FACT is he had other options than the ones he took to feel better with himself and his life. Counseling is what he NEEDS to see that, and change for the better (A good idea for you both individually, and LATER as a couple), while you take the time to get your own hurt feelings under control in your own time and way.

    This has to be about healing and coping and not impulsive revenge or acting in anger as no doubt you have to feel like kicking his arse right now but there are better more product positive ways of venting those feelings with the help of a counsellor to guide you (BOTH). Only then I feel, at the end of a THOUGHTFUL process can you even begin to determine IF, and HOW, this marriage can be saved and trust restored to grow together, and move forward.

    ***Just have to add**** My wife of 40 years informed me that if she were you, and I had been caught in such BS, she would be deciding the fate of this marriage without any considerations for me and my needs at all. Sleeping on the couch and eating burnt toast would not be enough to assuage her fury.

    But I already knew that and have for many DECADES! Your husband's INSANE behavior need to be balanced by your own plan of Good Orderly Direction.
    pointzero2015's Avatar
    pointzero2015 Posts: 28, Reputation: 2
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    #4

    Dec 6, 2015, 12:04 PM
    Jack/tal.
    Thanks for the thoughtful advice, and it really gives me courage and some logical thoughts in my mind in this trauma...

    I have chest pain, since I could not sleep at all since yesterday, and my heart is keep beating too fast. I am outrageous, and kicked him around, scratched his face, and interrogated him hours and hours to get all the details.
    He said he would do anything to make me heal. I said I cannot trust how sincere he was, so I asked him to drink toilet water if he is serious because it is the same level of his all dirty lies and cheating.
    In front of me, he suck up his pride, and drank the toilet water to prove his seriousness. It still did not make me satisfied.

    I cannot get rid of the graphical images of my husband over the woman having sex, and it makes me crazy and painful. I think I will explode, and just crying,,
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #5

    Dec 7, 2015, 08:13 AM
    Are you open to a visit to your family doctor to explain your emotional trauma and getting medical support? I highly think you could benefit under his supervision at least in the short term, until your family can be of direct help.

    Talking this option over with your mom, would be a good idea, or a trusted female friend if available.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,591, Reputation: 2941
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    #6

    Dec 7, 2015, 08:25 AM
    I wont excuse his infidelity one bit. He can't even say he 'met her at work and it just happened;' he sought a woman on a dating site.
    If he was so lonely, there's phones and skype and all live over the internet, kids and dogs as well.

    I WILL explain something that many studies have born out: men care about their breadwinner status more than sex and money. Their manliness, their reason for existence. They want to bring home the saber toothed tiger. (Now the bacon.) Even when they have a job, if they make less than their women, many of them can't handle it, unless they really like what they are doing, such as writing a novel.

    If you want to try to save the marriage, it's time to banish him to his own quarters. You got a lot of anger out with the toilet water and all. There needs to be a cut off of retribution and demands for details and general ranting. He's either out the door and you divorce, or you get to work on a plan to reconcile. If your reconciliation isn't done in a 'professional' manner, then it will break up anyway, after wasting a lot of time, energy, and grief. You can vent with family and friends.

    No reason to get into ways to work on a reconciliation unless you say so.
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #7

    Dec 7, 2015, 10:54 AM
    "I cannot get rid of the graphical images of my husband over the woman having sex, and it makes me crazy and painful. I think I will explode, and just crying,,"

    Most of us would be struggling deeply with that one. I know I would not be able to get over that in my mind. You need some time before you make any decisions as big as that. Having your parents there will be helpful I am sure. How do you ever trust him again when he goes out of town or even to the grocery shop? You obviously understand that regardless of what you choose, you have a difficult path ahead.
    pointzero2015's Avatar
    pointzero2015 Posts: 28, Reputation: 2
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    #8

    Dec 7, 2015, 02:29 PM
    Thanks, all. You guys are so kind and wise for me, a total stranger.
    Today is Monday, I woke up and cried again hysterically while taking a shower to prepare myself to go to work.
    My life and family was so normal until the Saturday evening, and it was totally destroyed over the weekend.
    I cried for the loving but now it is "totally dead" husband. The man in the couch is not the husband I used to have, but a disgusting animal. I cannot even breath near him now.
    I cried uncontrollably while I was driving to work too.
    Seriously,
    Trust is gone, moral is gone, wedding vow is broken, and my loving husband was gone. What is left in the marriage now? I am crying helplessly.
    My parents are coming on the 17th.
    I forgot to tell you, but my husband's temp apt was 2 miles away from my parents house. I trusted him enough to send there, and thought the apt arrangement was safe. I really did not imagine he was a moran
    But he just cheated in front of my parents' house like a rat.
    As my parents suggested, I will see a doctor and get anti anxiety pills, because I cannot manage myself right now. I cannot eat or sleep... although I acted like normal at work. It is a relief to be with normal people.

    By the way, my husband never complained about my bread winning situation. He has enjoyed it indeed, since he could spend his making for his hobby comfortably and could have a saving account.
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
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    #9

    Dec 7, 2015, 03:07 PM
    I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. The pain is truly gut wrenching. Marriages do sometimes survive, and believe or not, can become even stronger, but it takes quite a long time, and both people have to want to put in the work. He will need to understand that it will be up to him to do all that he can to help you rebuild trust, and that may mean answering questions at some point, putting up with occasional remarks as you will possibly feel the need to "get back" and test him. If you decide to try and rebuild, marriage counseling can help. Know that you may need to see more than one counselor before you find someone whom you feel will be helpful. If you have a clergy person to ask for recommendations, your doctor, a close friend or family member, that may help you make a selection.

    The doctor visit is an excellent suggestion as you will may find it difficult to function much beyond what is necessary for taking care of your children and doing your job. Even with medication, it will take time to feel as though things are not so raw... allow yourself to have that time. It truly is a grieving process.

    If you decide, at some point, that the relationship isn't what you want any longer, then be sure to seek legal guidance prior to sharing any decisions.

    Regardless of what you decide to do, the journey through it is often long, (I wish there was a way to move through it all quickly), but, I promise you that you will be stronger and wiser once you get there.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
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    #10

    Dec 7, 2015, 06:21 PM
    So many men have affairs and then tell their wives "it was a mistake, an accident, it just happened, and it will never happen again". Not sure if he's gone there yet, but if he does, think about this. He purposely went looking to have an affair. This wasn't a mistake. He signed up to a dating site to meet another woman, so he could have an affair. He put a lot of thought and effort into this, and apparently didn't once give any thought to you, his wife, and the kids you have together.

    Could counseling help? Only if he owns up to what he did, and frankly, the fact that he didn't admit what he did until you pushed, makes me think that counseling will be a waste of time. You can't fix what you don't acknowledge, and it doesn't sound like he's ready to acknowledge that he's a cheater.

    Good luck to you, and I'm so sorry you're going through this.
    pointzero2015's Avatar
    pointzero2015 Posts: 28, Reputation: 2
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    #11

    Dec 7, 2015, 08:37 PM
    Yelling and scream match continued in the evening again... I started because I could not stand his dirty face.

    Alty is right. That's why this affair is much more serious and bad. It was not mistake, it was well intended, planned and executed affair, and he put a lot of effort, money, time, and plots in the affair. He had the perfect double life for 3 month. He called morning and night from there, and managed the affair! He used the woman, and dumped her before he left too. The affair was well executed! Bravo!

    Unfortunately, he trashed and flushed out me, our history, and our marriage all together completely.

    Right now, he is caught, being tortured, humiliated, interrogated, and kicked around every moment like a bag of trash. Pride? Gone. Manliness? Gone. virtue? Gone. Integrity? Gone and gone. I do not see any winners here. Everybody is in pain including him. We are all dead in a sense. Was that affair really worth for 6 people's life?

    Alty is right again. He is begging me to give him a second chance. He insists he wants to build the marriage again. He even dare to say that he is here because he wants to be only with me and continue the marriage with me. If he really thinks marriage was that precious, why did he do it? It is another lip service from him.

    Now, I am totally confused what is truth and what is not in his word. I do not know him any more. I told him "I do not know you any more", and his face was darkened, and he was very humiliated.

    I start to think that I can handle it now. I will not run away, and face the bottom of the truth and make a decision for myself. I know it is a crazy idea, but I will try to set up a 3 way FACE TIME CALL to clarify the different statement between my husband and the woman. The woman seems still have hope to get her man back. Very odd... The issue is though, I need to convince her to be on the call. I hope she agrees for all of us. Once I see the entire UGLY truth, I will make my decision.

    Bottom line is, I know I can sincerely take care of myself, my kids, and even my dogs very well by myself without him. This purpose will make me a strong and responsible person. It is good to have a purpose.

    By the way,
    I am planning to see a counselor for myself this week. I need to get an exam if my brain is still in the right place.
    I am also seeing a lawyer Wednesday evening as my mother suggested. My mother wants me to see an option.
    how is my life changed in a couple of days... it is a hell. I am crying again against my will.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,591, Reputation: 2941
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    #12

    Dec 8, 2015, 02:58 AM
    My grief in my marriage was a bit different - my husband fell in love with another woman while still living with me. I had to drag this all out of him based on how morose he was acting. Turns out she wasn't in love with him; just using him. She wouldn't have sex with him. That didn't make it any easier, because all that mattered was that he was tired of me after 13 years. I didn't yell and scream and wish I had. It's good to let it all out, instead of feeling that you are no good, as I did. You have the self worth to keep going without him. Congratulations.
    pointzero2015's Avatar
    pointzero2015 Posts: 28, Reputation: 2
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    #13

    Dec 8, 2015, 04:05 AM
    Oh joypulv,
    My heart is aching for you, and I hope you gained back all the pride & self esteem that jerk crushed from you. I can imagine how painful it would be to watch your living in husband was in love with another woman, who even does not love him back. It sucks. It really sucks. I hope you are healed by now and happy again. You deserved the best. For self worth wise, if a man married you, stayed for 13 years with you, it proves that you are a very desirable woman already, and yourself esteem should not be effected no matter what. He became a jerk, and blame you, so he can justify he can love someone else openly. How manipulative is that? Jerks do not cherish anyone. Jerks are attracted by jerks. You should not lose yourself esteem because you were not loved by a jerk. Cheer Up! Take care yourself, pretty up, and find a new love who will appreciate you.

    Yes, myself esteem sank to the bottom too when I found out this affair. I blamed myself not to guard my husband well, which I thought I owned him completely and forever. This woman my husband had the affair with is 10 years younger than me, and I assume she should be pretty. But I got myself esteem back immediately. I am a whole person with integrity, and much much better than my dirty husband. It even boosts myself worth more and furiously. What I am dealing with is this uncontrollable rage because I cannot accept my 10 years of marriage became trash. I feel like my husband became a con and we are all scammed. He lied to a stranger & me, got laid as long as he wanted, and ran away from the victim. I am furious! IT CANNOT HAPPEN!!
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,591, Reputation: 2941
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    #14

    Dec 8, 2015, 05:50 AM
    Plus you have to worry about your children and how they are taking all that is happening! I don't believe in hiding fights behind closed doors because they sense all and know a lot regardless, but what do you say to them?

    [My scenario happened a million years ago - don't worry about me - this is about you now]
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #15

    Dec 8, 2015, 06:33 AM
    It is good that your mother is giving you good advice.

    But, I don't think two wrongs make a right, meaning that him having an affair gives you the right to beat the hell out of him, and make him drink toilet water!

    There is no doubt that he is responsible for what he has done, and he should accept that no matter what happens, however, for you to beat him up, is not the right way to go. If the situation were reversed, and it had been you who had the affair, and he beat the crap out of you and made you drink toilet water, he would be in jail.

    Remember you have three children, who are being subject to the violence in the home, on top of all else that has gone on. To see you so out of control does not reassure them that they are safe and protected. Please stop the violence, and behave like an adult, and keep you and your husband's problems private. It might be time for him to leave the house. To separate for a while, I think, is a good option, for all of you.

    Should, after a time, counseling might help the two of you learn to at least communicate, even if its for the sake of the children and their future, I urge you to go, by yourself, to start. Please do your best to learn how to manage your emotions, and understand that violence in any measure, doesn't solve anything, and again, thinking of the three kids you have, their security and well being is at stake here.
    pointzero2015's Avatar
    pointzero2015 Posts: 28, Reputation: 2
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    #16

    Dec 8, 2015, 07:05 AM
    Agree. I worried about my kids too. They know dad did something very bad, mom is very angry, but do not know any further details behind of the door. I would try stop yelling and violence too. It is very hard to control my emotions, because the pain is so raw. Thanks for the advice.

    my mom did not agree with my violence. I did not know I was so violent either before.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #17

    Dec 8, 2015, 07:16 AM
    I have to agree with Jake, acting on impulses of uncontrolled rage and violence is never a good thing and cannot be justified no matter what he has done, especially around your kids. Better to kick him out, rather than continue down this path.

    Get yourself under control.
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #18

    Dec 8, 2015, 08:00 AM
    When you choose to have children you both choose to make their lives more important than your own. Your kids are probably scared right now because they don't understand what is going on. You have to make a effort to keep it civil for their sake. That means no violence, harsh words, fighting, etc.

    Having typed that I must say I haven't been through what you are going through and I have no clue what my reaction would be. But I do know that if my partner did what your husband did, it wouldn't be pretty. I feel for you.
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
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    #19

    Dec 8, 2015, 03:00 PM
    Although very tempting, bringing the other woman into the call will likely only bring you more heartache and anger. You have nothing to gain from it, other than if you are trying to see him squirm even more.

    Of course he is begging you to give him a second chance. Often, people will either leave, to be with the other person, or decide they want to stay in their marriage. Will he cheat again? Who knows, sometimes people learn their lesson. You have no guarantees... of course you had no guarantee that it wouldn't happen a first time either. We certainly don't go into marriage expecting it. Trust is one of the hardest things to rebuild after such a betrayal, and it doesn't happen quickly or easily, if at all.

    Know that you are going to fly through emotions for awhile... anger, hurt, resentment, loss, etc. Your self-esteem may take a hit at times, but that is when you will come back to your realization that it isn't anything you did, or didn't do, it is a reflection on his character. Do keep your children out of the loop in regard to knowing the ins and outs. Perhaps a simple, "Some really bad choices were made, and now we have to see if we can work through them", will be all that is needed.

    Be careful of what they could overhear when your parents are there. Take the high road in any decision that you make.

    Sometimes, a separation is helpful so that you can come up for air. Prayers and healing thoughts for some wisdom, comfort, and strength in the coming weeks and months.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
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    #20

    Dec 8, 2015, 06:32 PM
    Although punishing him is so tempting, it won't help you, or him, or your kids. Imagine how they're feeling right now. I'm sure they know that something is going on, that things are bad right now. For them you need to be kind to him. No matter what you decide, he is still their father. You don't want to do or say anything that could end up damaging them forever.

    Now, being kind to him doesn't mean that you have to forgive him. I know that if it were me, I would not be able to forgive. I'd want counseling only so that we could find a way to at least co-parent together. But for me it would be over. But that's me. Also, I haven't had to deal with this, so really, I'm only saying what I think I would do. I have no experience with this to know if what I think I'd do, would become reality.

    This is all still so new, so fresh, and so painful. Let the pain wain a bit before you make any big decisions.

    You know him better than any of us. We can only post based on what you've posted, and right now you're very justifiably mad at him, so you're not posting anything that would redeem him in our eyes.

    A few questions you need to ask. Can you forgive this? Do you still love him, even though right now you hate him for what he's done, do you still love him? With counseling and a lot of healing, would you ever be able to trust him again? Do you still want to be married to him, if you can forgive him and you two can get some professional help with your marriage?

    Yes, I did say that to me this is a horrible betrayal, because it was planned. It wasn't him going to a bar, getting a bit drunk, meeting someone, and ending up having sex with that person. He went looking for an affair. No matter what his reasons are, there's no reason good enough for what he did. But, and this is a big but, there are obviously problems in the marriage, problems that lead to all of this. So the question is, do you want to try to fix those problems, or are you just done with him and the marriage, no chance at all of trying to fix things? It's really all your decision, but don't make a decision out of anger.

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