[pointzero2015]

Day 4 (Tuesday)
In the morning, a lady from the law office called me to conform the appointment with a lawyer on Wednesday. My heart just sank. "here comes,
i am really moving toward divorce." my heart was beating like hell and my hands were shaking. I was so scared to death to go through this and being lonely for a long long time... who will date a mother of 3 kids.
I desperately searched a marriage counseling psychologist on the web, and called one. Thankfully, since my voice was unusual, the doctor kindly offered me a session at 8pm.


After come home after work, I told my husband I would stop the violence. I asked him to take me out for dinner. He did. Kids were with a baby sitter. We sat and had the meal, I could not swallow any food, but he ate all his dish. I could not help, but explain the seriousness of his affair, and he was very upset to hear in the restaurant.
He announced that his new job in town was just confirmed. It means he will not travel any longer. My husband also wanted to go to the counseling too, so I called the doctor again. The doctor allowed another special session for him at 9 pm just after my session. The doctor told me that he needed to see us separately first. In future, the doctor will give us a couple session.


After dinner I went to the counseling. It was my first time in my life to sit down with a psychologist. He was very warm old male doctor, and listened all my story. I even showed the text from the woman too. Once again, the doctor told me that I am the person to make a decision whether to stay or not. The doctor also says that he can not share what he hears from us separately
After my session, my husband walked in to the doctors office.
My husband came back later after his session, and he went to his room. He is staying in the guest room now. I told you my husband asked me to give him the list of things he can so, so we can heal. (my first request was the drinking toilet water) I gave him the list of my 2nd request - List of his emails with login info. He says I will get it by tomorrow. 3rd request - his second cell phone (he used it to cheat not to be caught). He says he closed the cell phone account when he came back. It can be true or it can be another lie.


In my bed, I started to think about what the doctor asked me.
"what is your goal in the counseling" - I cannot pin point. Looking for a hope? Looking for a help to make a decision? Borrowing his judgement? Like to know if my husband regrets sincerely , and want to stay in marriage?
"what was your marriage before the affair? how was sex?" - it just hit me. We did not have sex much recently. Probably 1-2 times a year? We were occupied for many other things, stressed out, arguing, annoyed, and distant.


In the middle of night, I suddenly walk up, and started to think. Maybe my husband stopped to love me a couple years ago already. Maybe it is his revenge for me because I am the boss in the house, and he was resentful?

[Alty]

I don't think it's revenge. I'm not even sure that it has anything to do with you. Affairs are such a hurtful thing to do, but the partner that has them, rarely thinks about the aftermath.

Obviously there are problems in the marriage, problems that existed before the affair. If he had come to you and told you that he was feeling unloved, or unappreciated, or whatever inspired him to do what he did, you could likely have fixed this with counseling. You still might be able to, it depends on both of you and how much you want to make the marriage work.

Do not let the anger and hurt you feel right now, make any major decisions for you. From what you posted it doesn't sound like you're ready for the divorce. Give the counseling a chance, see what happens with it, see if you two can somehow work it out and stay together. Give it a chance before you call it quits.

Counseling doesn't always work, but I think you owe it to yourself, to him, and to your kids, to at least see if you two can work through this. No matter what happens, you will always have him in your life, and even if you decided to divorce, you will still have to find a way to forgive him and move on, for your kids sake. He may not always be your husband, but he will always be their father, and you two will have to work together to give them the best childhood you can.

[pointzero2015]

I met the lawyer. He was very kind and listened all my story. The lawyer told me that since my husband did not respect me, and had the planned affair, he deserves the divorce. He explained the procedure of the divorce. Every single word the lawyer discussed with me just killed me. Long process, child support, child visitation... my poor kids' life will be permanently ruined once i file the divorce. The consequences of the divorce is killing us further. How do I & my kids deserve this? I cannot decide when I will file the divorce yet. My heart sinks further and deeper day goes by.

I sleep with my kids in my bed in these days. I cry while they are sleeping. What I know is I will do my best to protect them until I die. I got sick and stay in bed for the past days.

My husband says he does not hate me, and he did not plan to cheat that deep. He is rushing to make appointments with the counselor, but the doctor seems very busy.

Alty, I do know you very well, but you are a very smart and wise person. You help me so much in this crisis. sorry for the last response.

[smoothy]

Also keep in mind... that lawyer has a rather significant financial stake in this if you DO file... that WILL affect what he thinks you should do. (they will end up with a rather sizable chunk of your assets before its over)

Don't rely on a lawyer to offer marital advice. Get the counseling (apart and together) and determine for yourselves if you can move past this.

The only people that win in a divorce are the lawyers...everyone else loses.

[talaniman]

I caution you of making life changing decision while you are under such emotional duress. Right now your mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health should be the priority.

The doctor is busy? Ask his office to recommend another, or find one on your own, because you need to be seen NOW.

[pointzero2015]

Smoothy,
I noticed it will be a very expensive to divorce quickly. The lawyer's fee is $350 an hour, requested $6000 in advanced to file the divorce. The lawyer did not know how long it will take or how much it will cost eventually, since we will fight fiercely over kids and other matters. So, divorcing is not punishing the cheater, but deteriorating my & kids finance further. We are destroying ourselves all together.

[pointzero2015]

talaniman, thanks for encouraging me. I called the doctor's cell phone directly just now, and he offered me a special session again. At this time, the doctor wants to see us together Monday night 9 pm. I never been in a couple therapy, and I have no clue what I have to expect, but we will see how it goes.

[DoulaLC]

I strongly agree with the idea of not rushing to make permanent decisions just yet. No doubt you are still in shock from the entire situation and, again, your emotions will run the gamut for a time. You owe it to yourself and to your children to work towards healing first, even if that may mean a legal separation from your husband for a time.

Space apart can often let you focus more on yourself and your children. With some counseling, soul searching, weighing pros and cons, and time, you will be of a clearer mind to make such a life altering decision... whether that will be to divorce and move on, or to work to try and rebuild a new relationship with your husband.

The point is, you have time... all the time that you need to see how this goes for you.

[pointzero2015]

dualal, I cannot say thank you enough. I agree I do not have to rush, even though I urge to finish this mess and to be alone. Right now, my emotion is extreme from scared, angry, sad, depressed, and resentful... all kinds of good and bad memory randomly comes to me, and it makes me just cry.

I will need to host a Christmas dinner with families and friends soon. I do not know how it will be... can I control my emotion, and will act like a normal & happy family just for the Christmas dinner? I am not sure... I feel so tired, and like fall in sleep and not waking up.

[pointzero2015]

I start to have a stupid idea in my head. What if I just kill myself? I have nothing to lose. I do not have to deal with this humiliation and betrayal, long divorce procedure or single motherhood for the rest of my life. Then this cheater will dance with joy, takes all the assets I worked so hard. He is the biological father of my kids, and take care of kids with a new woman anyway? I do not find any meaning in my life any longer. Life is not fair anyway.

[talaniman]

I agree that's a stupid idea. Why rob yourself, and your kids of a promise of a good happy, healthy life, because you are in a selfish place. Emotional pain will do that to you. Put your kids first and get yourself to your family doctor and let him help you through this pain so you can see yourself through this difficult time in your life.

Why is that not a simple and BETTER thing to do instead of letting what your husband did drive you to thinking stupid thoughts? Because he was a bad husband and made a huge mistake does that mean you have to be a bad mother? Get off the pity pot and get a better plan to thrive, and survive, heal, and regroup, and rebuild your life.

Are you hearing me, through your misery?

[pointzero2015]

I am hearing you, talaniman. Thanks for caring about me. I am in the lowest & toughest spot in my life, and mot thinking right now. I hope I can gain some insight and strength soon.

[DoulaLC]

Why would you think ending your life will make things better? For whom? Now, more than ever, is when you put your children first.

They will have enough change to go through if you decide to divorce, don't you dare put them through something so horrible!

I know full well that you are hurting, but you are stronger than you may feel right now. Lean on family and perhaps a trusted friend or two.

You will get through this. You will rebuild your life one way or another. Eventually, you will have good days that will out number the bad. Right now you focus on good moments... do something with your children, visit a friend, get outside. Sometimes you just have to make yourself take a step forward in your healing.

Step by step... you will get through it.

[pointzero2015]

You will get through this. You will rebuild your life one way or another. Eventually, you will have good days that will out number the bad.

I am holding onto this, doulalc. You have no idea how much your word is comforting me.

Day 8. Sunday. 8th day from exactly I found out the betrayal. I got up from my bed, cooked breakfast for kids, and ate together. My beautiful kids were happy to see mommy cooking as normal. I will eat, sleep, gain strength, and fight back. I will not give up my life.

I talked to the woman. She was a single mother nurse, working 2 jobs to support her life and her kid. She told me she fell very hard for the "millionaire single man", which my husband created imaginary. She was angry when my husband broke up, and spent over $200 for search service to find out his identity, and my number. I am not angry at her. We are both victims. She lost 2+ month, I lost 10 years, kids, marriage and finance. I need to know all the details to make my final decision. It is good two victims are talking to each other. my mother calls me morning to night and comfort me.

[talaniman]

You have lost nothing but peace of mind and I don't see keeping contact with your husbands victim as a healthy thing at all.

[pointzero2015]

I don't see keeping contact with your husbands victim as a healthy thing at all.

Why do you think so? Advice please.

[talaniman]

Why keep feeding the negative and your own (And her) victim mentality? Of what use is her giving you a blow by blow detail of this adulterous relationship?

What makes you think two hurt unhealthy females can help each other especially when obviously revenge is the motive of this other female. Her credibility is surely suspect. Why are you adding to the problems you already have.

Ask your therapist if this is a healthy thing to do. $200 hundred bucks for a background check? Get real!

[pointzero2015]

Why keep feeding the negative and your own (And her) victim mentality? Of what use is her giving you a blow by blow detail of this adulterous relationship?

What makes you think two hurt unhealthy females can help each other especially when obviously revenge is the motive of this other female. Her credibility is surely suspect. Why are you adding to the problems you already have.

Ask your therapist if this is a healthy thing to do. $200 hundred bucks for a background check? Get real!

You are 200% right. I should cut her out. Thanks so much for your advice.

she is feeding me all the details word by word, his false promises, sexual details and asked me to revenge him for her. her intention is revenge and breaking my family because she cannot have him. "why do you put up with him still? divorce him kick him out" she is talking and talking. she tried to contact me using her friends multiple times too, she has all our family info, assets list in her hand. she knows where my kids going to school even. she is claiming my husband said "you are my everything".

[joypulv]

(Just want to say to the men here that 2 betrayed women joining forces is very common. If not dragged out, it can fill their needs for talk, comfort, and support. I agree that it's time now to drop it. You can let her down gently, saying you have to concentrate on your children.)

Sex 1 or 2 times a year?
Being the boss?
You have turned into his mother, and he was out having a 20-something fling. NOT EXCUSING it at all! But it's a concrete basis for counseling.
It's so very common for wives to not want sex after 5 years or so, running ragged with child rearing day and night. It's common for husbands to give up and look elsewhere, without communicating.
He's 'more wrong' of course, but if you can say OK, he's more wrong, but behind it is mistakes made by both of us, then you can solve it.

[joypulv]

Little story about 2 women: I had a boyfriend in the mid 70s who discovered he had cancer in his 20s. I borrowed a car from my parents to take him to radiation and chemo. He not only took that car to go play poker late one snowy night, he deliberately parked it where it would get towed because it was closest to our building, and didn't care. I had to get it out. He left me at a laundromat with something like 12 washers full of HIS clothes and borrowed my car for just a few minutes, and never came back (poker again, I think). Finally - he had an affair with a friend. He was angry at the whole world and took it out on me.

Over 10 years later, he was married to a roommate of mine. We were all friends by then. I was even working for him. His wife started telling me about him leaving her at a laudromat (they were renovating their house)... I was rolling on the floor, howling.

40 years later, we are all still best friends.