[Gina Rubio]

Hello. I am sorry in advance about this message. It's more of a story and I would like some advice, but only if it's not too much to ask. My name is Gina. My mom called me just now and told me some very unsettling news. Her brother, Alex (and my godfather) stopped by at her house to tell her that his daughter (Jennifer, 11 years old) has "confessed" that my little brother (Benjamin) has done sexually inappropriate things to her.

Now before I carry on, I'd like to point out that jen's parents have just gone through a divorce and have new partners. Jen has a little brother, Alex jr, with autism and they are very close. Ben is my adopted brother, but he is related to me. He's my cousin's son from my dad's side. My mom raised him like her own, but my dad has always been somewhat against him.

Going back to jen's life, I had always believed she was a nice kid but has issues. I think it's sprouted from growing up in a household where her mom (Margaret) abused alcohol, the parents fought like mad and the family later found out she was addicted to different medication drugs. She has also been sexually assaulted as a child for years. As far as I know she has attempted suicide once by overdosing on pills and once by trapping herself in a running vehicle in the garage. She passed out, but once she was in the hospital, the doctors found no trace of substance abuse or carbon monoxide in her system. She was faking it the whole time. My godfather, Alex, is a police officer and seems to me like a lonely person, but very kind and tries his best to be a good father.

When he told my mom what his little girl told him, he said, "I'm so sorry. Everything happens for a reason. I'm not sure what that reason is right now, but we'll figure it out". My little brother has lied before. Mainly about school things. My mom has also caught him with things that she's taken away from him and I've seen things in his iPad's history like porn... But Ben is a good kid. He is 13 and my siblings and I are 22, 25, and 28, so it is like he is an only child because we are all moved out and far away. I am in the UK. I'm sure he gets lonely, but I just don't see him as the type of person to go out and molest his "not-blood-related" little cousin! I can't grasp the idea that he would do that.

Jen explained to her parents in such detail that it's hard not to believe her. But Ben explained that they were upstairs at my grandparents house with gen's little bro, Alex. They were in bed watching minecraft videos and Jen was watching something on her phone on YouTube called "Kissing Prank". Little Alex turned off the lights because he likes watching videos in the dark and Jen was watching dirty videos making weird noises. Ben said he did not and would never do such a thing and he wants to talk to her and ask her why she chose him to pick on when she has other cousins too.

Jen's story is that Ben grabbed her butt and slipped his fingers in her privates from behind. He then grabbed her boobs really hard. After she got "molested" she peed in her bed a couple days after. Then she peed in her pants at school and then she peed again in bed! Does this happen when you're traumatized? I feel bad for her, but I feel that she is putting the blame on Ben when it might have been someone else. Or could it be possible that she just wants these things to happen? Could someone with little intelligence be such a good pathological liar? She seems air-headed but we've caught her in lies before. And she's always wanted to "play-pretend" that Josh was her boyfriend ever since they were little. Her mom has mentioned plenty of times that she is "boy crazy" and she is going to be a handful when she's a teen.

I am unsure as to what I should tell Ben. Since he is already the outcast in the family because he is adopted and no one truly accepted that he is apart of the family, he is now on his own with the exception of my immediate family. I don't want to be biased, but something needs to be done. These kids need to be helped. I just don't know how. What should I say to him? How do I solve this? I am the only one who can talk to him and has the greatest chance of him opening up to, if he did do something so harmful like that.

There is so much more to add to their own personal lives. Like josh has a lot of confidence and is outspoken, but still has been bullied in the past and has bad grades. He is accumulated some issues that I've developed and my older brother has because of my dad. My dad wasn't a bad person, let's just say his dark side takes over too much. Jen on the other hand, has it a little harder in my opinion. Divorces, from what I've seen don't have the best effect on kids sometimes. Especially when your mother has mentally psychotic disorders; must be damaging. I almost forgot to mention, when Josh and Jen were smaller (about 7 years ago) Jen blamed him about kissing her on the lips. We still don't know to this day, who was lying or telling the truth.

This is just the beginning of either a broken relationship between families or a revolution that we can create between families to come together and figure out solutions. TOGETHER. I need to help, I just don't really know how. Please help.

[Oliver2011]

Wow that story is all over the place.

You don't do anything. You let the parents of the two involved handle it. Your involvement will just add to the dysfunctional family issues that are already at play in your family.

[Jake2008]

I think that when something happens, like an accusation of sexual assault by a member of a family, toward another member of the family, the waters become muddied when everybody has an opinion on how to address the issue.

Try not to cloud your opinion with what you do not know. And try not to determine things of the perpetrator or victim, as to the veracity of what they have each said. There has been nothing concrete, other than your step father has told your mother, that his daughter has said she was sexually assaulted, by your brother.

To try to come to conclusions on your part at all, means you are starting with second hand information as well as opinions, and theories.

Keep it simple.

It is not up to you to 'prove' or 'disprove' anything. It is, and should be, the father's duty to not only tell your mother, but to report the abuse, and have it investigated.

As it has been said, it is not your responsibility, and indeed, by trying to find answers, you are doing no one any good.

Any sexual abuse, must be reported, no matter the age of the two people involved. Should the information be proven that something did happen, it is up to the authorities to decide what to do. To let the matter go, to me at least, is criminal. If he is innocent for example, and accused of abuse, and the story has already started to grow, he will never been seen as anything but a possible abuser. If he is guilty, this too must be addressed by professionals, because the truth needs to be determined, in order to advise on appropriate help- for both of them.

You would do best to not be involved, unless you wish yourself to speak to the authorities. Victims need to be heard, and the whole story needs to be examined and a course of action decided.

I think it is criminal myself, to be aware of such an accusation, and not report it. As a counselor with a license, I would lose that license quickly if I were aware of abuse that needed to be reported, because I have a legal obligation to do so, and did not.

More important is the health of the two kids involved.

I hope the father does the right thing and gets to the bottom of this.

[talaniman]

For now you leave this with the adults that are involved and see what THEY come up with. If they want your advice they will ask for it. I empathize with your situation though, but hopefully the kids get some PROFESSIONAL help if indeed there is any truth to this.

Stay calm.

[Fr_Chuck]

First it was wrong for your parents to telegraph this story all over the family.
This was and should be keep a private issue within the family.

Next there is a seroius issue if an adopted child is an outcast, they should be just another part, and if anything, a more special part, since adopted children are chosen, a child born to a family is pot luck.

But you and the rest of the family stay out of it, (or help pay) for the parents to get the children proper counseling.

[joypulv]

You are 22 and have moved far away. Please don't try to do anything long distance or over the phone, except to be supportive of all concerned in a quiet 'I'm here if you need me' way.
You say that you are the only one who can talk to him. Is that because you are closest in age and left home last? If you feel that you are the only one who can help HIM, then drop what you are doing and go visit.
Make NO assumptions, as others here said. For starters, children do lie, and it's all a matter of degree. So far, nothing is proof of anything.

[talaniman]

Did your mother call and get you all jacked up and worried? Sure she did. Not her fault for being worried but facts before you act or even speak are the way to go. Looks like you have to wait for more facts to be revealed before you get mixed up in this family(?) drama.

[Gina Rubio]

Wow that story is all over the place.

You don't do anything. You let the parents of the two involved handle it. Your involvement will just add to the dysfunctional family issues that are already at play in your family.

I just put the story out, a little scattered, I know. Thanks for the feedback.

[Gina Rubio]

I think that when something happens, like an accusation of sexual assault by a member of a family, toward another member of the family, the waters become muddied when everybody has an opinion on how to address the issue.

Try not to cloud your opinion with what you do not know. And try not to determine things of the perpetrator or victim, as to the veracity of what they have each said. There has been nothing concrete, other than your step father has told your mother, that his daughter has said she was sexually assaulted, by your brother.

To try to come to conclusions on your part at all, means you are starting with second hand information as well as opinions, and theories.

Keep it simple.

It is not up to you to 'prove' or 'disprove' anything. It is, and should be, the father's duty to not only tell your mother, but to report the abuse, and have it investigated.

As it has been said, it is not your responsibility, and indeed, by trying to find answers, you are doing no one any good.

Any sexual abuse, must be reported, no matter the age of the two people involved. Should the information be proven that something did happen, it is up to the authorities to decide what to do. To let the matter go, to me at least, is criminal. If he is innocent for example, and accused of abuse, and the story has already started to grow, he will never been seen as anything but a possible abuser. If he is guilty, this too must be addressed by professionals, because the truth needs to be determined, in order to advise on appropriate help- for both of them.

You would do best to not be involved, unless you wish yourself to speak to the authorities. Victims need to be heard, and the whole story needs to be examined and a course of action decided.

I think it is criminal myself, to be aware of such an accusation, and not report it. As a counselor with a license, I would lose that license quickly if I were aware of abuse that needed to be reported, because I have a legal obligation to do so, and did not.

More important is the health of the two kids involved.

I hope the father does the right thing and gets to the bottom of this.

Thank you for the useful advice. I had spoken with my little brother and I told him he needs to take this seriously and be honest with himself. I agree and mentioned with my older brother that he should speak with the police and possibly take a polygraph test. I am all for just getting this resolved in any way possible. My mom is like a mama bear and pretty protective over Ben. She needs to realize thathe is a young man and it is in his hands to handle this the right way. It's like walking on broken glass when you really want to help this kid, but you don't want to make the wrong move.

[Gina Rubio]

For now you leave this with the adults that are involved and see what THEY come up with. If they want your advice they will ask for it. I empathize with your situation though, but hopefully the kids get some PROFESSIONAL help if indeed there is any truth to this.

Stay calm.

Thank you, I was a bit frantic when I wrote that, but I am calm. At this point, it's about calming everyone else down, and making sure my little brother knows he has people wanting him to be truthful and the truth is respected. As far as "leaving it to the adults", you mean the parents right? I know that, and I want to do that, but everyone has involved themselves and I feel I need to be there for my family and be that "calm" in the situation. I agree about finding them (at least Ben) professional help.

[Gina Rubio]

First it was wrong for your parents to telegraph this story all over the family.
This was and should be keep a private issue within the family.

Next there is a seroius issue if an adopted child is an outcast, they should be just another part, and if anything, a more special part, since adopted children are chosen, a child born to a family is pot luck.

But you and the rest of the family stay out of it, (or help pay) for the parents to get the children proper counseling.

Whether it was wrong of my mom or not, I think she needed me at the moment because I have always been the one who can talk with Ben if he has had issues in his life. As for the rest of the family, it was my godfather's ex-wife who "telegraphed" it to the whole family. But that is hardly the issue. I agree it should be private, but my family is different and I'm not asking anyone to understand that. Again, I get that Ben being an outcast is really sad, but that is the background that I wrote for him because I am trying to be as neutral as possible and that sucks for him, especially since it gives him a good fit for Jen's story. I agree, adopted children should be special, and he is to me and my siblings. But he isn't for the rest of my family for some reason. Which is horrible, because he is a great little guy. The only advice that I got from you was to stay out of it and get the kids counseling. I appreciate your advice. Thanks

[Gina Rubio]

You are 22 and have moved far away. Please don't try to do anything long distance or over the phone, except to be supportive of all concerned in a quiet 'I'm here if you need me' way.
You say that you are the only one who can talk to him. Is that because you are closest in age and left home last? If you feel that you are the only one who can help HIM, then drop what you are doing and go visit.
Make NO assumptions, as others here said. For starters, children do lie, and it's all a matter of degree. So far, nothing is proof of anything.

As much as I want to be there, I can't. I thought about it, but I'm in the UK and have little funds and vacation to do so. I am closest with him I think because I understand him and the way he is most. I remember acting a lot like him when I was younger. Especially when I was a teenager, I was a rebellious kid. I have always wanted to be free and independent and not let anyone tell me what to do. I have grown and feel much more caring and cautious with things in life now, but I still know what it's like to be an odd one. And another reason I am a little afraid of his situation is because he has lied in the past. But you're right, there is no factual elements to the story other than they were together with little Alex and watched videos on their own devices.