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    Melwards's Avatar
    Melwards Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Nov 8, 2015, 03:31 PM
    Cheating
    I have been more of a reader than a poster. But I know to get honest help I have to ask an honest question. I recently found out by accident that my husband of 13 years was unfaithful to me. I felt like something wasn't right but I couldn't put my finger on it. (Unlucky 13 right?)

    I have let myself go during our marriage as in I have gained a lot of weight & I'm not modern at all. We work a lot and haven't had much activity in our lives in several years except eating out, and I know that makes it sound worse. We get along in personality but he hasn't touched me romantically in a long time, and when I complain or try to sweeten the pot to get something out of it - it helps but not really. He'll say "this weekend" and it's like I get taken to the candy store, and the door is locked.

    So, of course, I blame myself. I have read so much in the past couple of weeks on this topic, and I realize that it's hard to stop this train once it's on the tracks. And now I question at a minimum in my mind everything he does, who he is talking to, who he is talking to when I'm not around, who he is having lunch or dinner with (sometimes he has to work late or says he does), and or even if I have to run errands I wonder what he is doing.

    After learning of the affair, and all the wonderful things he gave her and did for her and activities that he did with her I felt that ending our marriage was the best idea.

    I don't want to be with someone that can be that was so unhappy that he pursued someone else (and yes even though he tried to make it seem like she came onto him I know him and I he was the culprit). I just don't let him know what I think for sure. I just listen like I'm absorbing all of it. I know if I say oh that bitc* - he'll just play right along with that - and why let him off the hot seat? I am not married to her. But during their entire affair he was married to me.

    And here's the thing. If someone - woman or man - wants to be with someone else - there can be no reason why they don't tell me (the spouse) unless it's because of money and/or family. Because otherwise they would leave - eh? Right?

    I have really given this some thought mind you.

    And truth be told regardless of money and family responsibilities I want a man that wants only me. I get that I am possibly not that desirable right now (and especially in personality too after all of this), but I could find the old me again I think. Right?

    Anyway, I was more sad than angry. He begged me not to leave but we have a company together (I can get out of that), and we could be friends (and unrelated family) after I heal some (I think), but my gut really says that his entire focus is what he will lose in assets between our joint assets, retirement accounts, company accounts, family (don't wantto go into that here), etc. and he got away with it before and why can't he just do it differently next time?

    It's not that I think once a cheater always a cheater. I just think that once that romance is gone, and joy has been found with someone else? Why would you want to work on something that seems almost insurmountable? In fact, I would like to have some of that fun and joy that he had. That freedom to spend time with someone else and have my worries melt away.

    I know it's 2015 now not 1955 and times have changed, but I'd rather be solo than have an open marriage I think.

    I guess my question is are most people cheating these days? And how are you handling it on either side? Or is this too broad of a question?

    And as for the AP (I read they call it "Affair Partner") she's married herself, and I think they had a plan to both leave their marriages, but I suspect that she was much closer to her door than my husband. However, if I made this break happen - I think he would do it.

    And I actually can't blame her. I know some articles say yes blame her too. But many say don't. My husband is a charmer. Funny. Good looking. I'm fat and look like a blimp. She wears contemporary clothes. I wear elastic waist band pants. She wears a belt. I know this sounds like a country song right? But based on the wooing he has done with me since this came out? I can only imagine what he told her, and even the truth if he told that wouldn't paint me in a "beautiful" picture - you know?

    Actually there is a song out that says "I got your first kiss; she got (gets?) your last" and I think I feel like that honestly. And how on earth could I ever be romantic again because to know my husband I would think he had to have some feelings for her or even BIG feelings for her and so would he be thinking about her?

    I read one article that said that spouses that are unexpectedly caught or even the ones that tell on themselves go through a horrible but silent grieving process because there is no one they can tell, and I actually don't even want to think about that happening. The whole thing stinks.

    I'm a good person don't get me wrong. But I'm just saying maybe we just grew apart, and a part of me just feels I need to work on me and get my smile & happiness back - not get it back because he is going the extra mile to cover his tracks and to make up for his choices/decisions - and ones that he could easily repeat again.

    I think it would be pitiful for me to use the excuse of I can't do it on my own to stay with him. And besides all of these personal reasons? I want people to be happy, and I just don't think a husband is happy if he was that unfaithful to me.

    And for the articles that I have read where someone (female or male) has been unfaithful more than once? I think that doesn't even need a post - DUH.

    Thanks all if you read this far. I guess I'm just talking to myself today. It's rainy here, and my mind is wandering down my life path looking for the light at the end of the tunnel.

    PS. Another thing? I'm embarrassed by this. I know it's him that did this but let's face it - if I had taken care of myself, and if I had enjoyed us more the damage might not have gotten this far. I learned after this came out that he had also had a couple of e-flings (is that what they are called)? And I just think all of that combined there is no way he will be happy with me regardless of what he says he wants/feels. I think just writing this I am fairly certain I know my decision.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #2

    Nov 8, 2015, 04:12 PM
    I have to admire that you know your mind and have made a decision for YOURSELF. While this whole situation completely sucks, at least going forward your attitude will take you far. I think too, in time you will stop blaming yourself and see this as his problem that you no longer have to deal with.

    He threw the marriage away, you didn't so keep your head up, knowing there was no excuse for cheating instead of talking. He screwed up so don't be embarrassed. Just mourn, heal... and start over finding your own happiness.

    Good Luck.
    Melwards's Avatar
    Melwards Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Nov 8, 2015, 09:29 PM
    Thank you. I appreciate your kinds words. Yes, I'm more numb and sad than angry. I know that any infidelity is a sign of either (a) issues with them or (b) issues with us. There's an old saying that no one can come between two that are strong, and we are clearly not. And honestly he was there for me during some tough years for my extended family members, and I want him to be happy. If it's with her, or someone else I am not going to hold him back from that. Life is too short, and I know that I cannot bring to the table what he wants/needs or now despite all that he says that I can. I think it's the right thing, and even with children still at home I don't want them to be raised in an environment where the love is so over the top or so under the bottom that it sets a low bar or an unrealistic bar that they will see through. Life goes on no matter what, and I appreciate the good that I have had & I want to be better for me realizing I have let a lot go in my life focusing on the minutia. Thank you again.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #4

    Nov 9, 2015, 12:51 AM
    I will disagree, yes it is 2015 which means peoples morals have degraded and people do not want to put any effort into trying to save marriage. It is easy to give up and walk away.

    Once a cheater, always a cheater, nope, people, all people make mistakes, so for you, once you ignored a husband, you will always ignore a husband?

    What can or should be done, is honest communication, marriage counseling, and a long and hard work, toward fixing something.

    Just because it is not 1950, does not mean 1950 was not right, and what is done now, is wrong.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #5

    Nov 9, 2015, 08:47 PM
    There is nobody to blame, except the person who decided to disregard his vows, and have an affair.

    HE could have come to you and talked. HE could have realized that HIS decision could result in the end of your marriage, let alone how devastating his reveal would be to you, and your family.

    HE could have done something before he decided to bed another woman, instead of facing any problems like a man, with his wife.

    You could also have bought yourself a crystal ball and a deck of tarot cards, and predicted what was about to happen, and then put a hex on him.

    That you did not know the decision HE made to break his vows to you, does not make you at fault. It is NOT your fault that he cheated. It has nothing to do with how you perceive yourself, i.e. your weight, or how you feel about yourself. However, if your own personal problems were affecting yourself esteem, confidence.

    What you are doing by drilling yourself into the ground, is giving him reasons to have cheated on you. You are letting him off the hook, and blaming yourself. If you had been stylish enough, if you had been attentive enough, if you had been slimmer, smarter, funnier, etc. etc. etc.

    For God's sake, get off your pitty pot and see things for how they are. Demand a meeting with him, in a quiet place, and get the cards out on the table. He cheated yes, and he could have made the decision to keep his pants on. You already know that. But, find out WHY he decided to cheat and see if the two of you cant make even a small list of what was wrong in your marriage, before that happened. Address things like communication, commitment, needs and wants not being met, etc. Do not for an instant think that your physical appearance had anything to do with it. If he is/was concerned about your weight for health reasons for instance, then address that honestly. But you finding faults about yourself in that regard, are superficial, and will not solve the problems the two of you have.

    You also need to express how he has so deeply hurt you. How it makes you feel, how you are not sure you can recover from the pain he caused by his decision, and that you have some basic expectations in order to consider before even thinking about resuming the marriage.

    The first one should be a marriage counselor. You both need to talk and you both need to be listened to. Honestly and without reservation. If he felt free enough have an affair with another woman, he should expect to have to answer to those consequences.

    There is nothing that cannot be worked out, and there is nothing that cannot be forgiven, provided there is work done on the marriage itself, and that is very hard work. The foundation has been cracked, and it needs to be fixed.

    So put a stronger you forward, realize you are an equal here with him, and do what you need to do in order to satisfy yourself that you are not throwing away a marriage when the marriage can be saved. Put aside the petty 'reasons' you have that justifies his behavior, and get to work.
    Melwards's Avatar
    Melwards Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Nov 10, 2015, 09:06 PM
    Jake - those are some awesome things to think about. Thank you so much for taking the time to write all of that (usually it's just me), for putting your honest thoughts into it. When I don't know what to do I usually give it some time in my head to think (and in this case my heart), but I am going over all of what you said, and I will definitely write you back and let you know how it is going. And what I am doing. Thank you.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #7

    Nov 11, 2015, 09:40 AM
    You certainly deserve to be in your own "safe place" as you deal with your own emotions, and can deal objectively with facts as well as your feelings. You really don't have to do anything until YOU feel comfortable enough to deal with it. Until YOU know what YOU want to happen.

    Let him stew in his own juice while YOU get to your own healthy place. This is where wise and good counsel comes in as the emotional dust settles, and you get your own mind together. You are on YOUR time now.
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #8

    Nov 11, 2015, 10:01 AM
    I am proof that infidelity can be overcome--but only with a LOT of work, and a LOT of hope on both sides, and a LOT of communication---and an absolute end to any communication to the AP.

    If you love this man, and want to save your marriage, it is possible. But you have to WANT it. And he has to want it. And it's a lot easier to wade through the mess if you have a third party to help you--a therapist, a counselor, a pastor, someone.

    Also--DO take this time to work on you---for YOU. You're worth it. It took me a long time to understand that *I* was worth time and effort for myself, and now I am in Weight Watchers, and I'm going to the gym, and I'm making time for myself I never made before--and part of that is on my husband, who has to cover things while I take that time.

    Find a hobby, find a way to find some joy, and if you are willing, find a way to bring communication and love back to your marriage.

    Oh--and I was the cheater we recovered from. It had nothing to do with not loving my husband. It had everything to do with having someone else think I was special, that I was sexy, that I was worth pursuing. I'm not saying you didn't do those things for your husband, but you yourself admit that you let yourself go, and that you didn't put any effort into creating intimacy in your marriage.

    I'm not saying anyone is right or wrong--I'm just saying that it's recoverable if you want it to be.
    Questionair's Avatar
    Questionair Posts: 53, Reputation: 4
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    #9

    Nov 11, 2015, 10:52 AM
    Every situation is recoverable, but you have to understand that a man will always be a man. He will always want something pretty to look at, and an attractive wife at home. When you get married you should strive to be even better than the person you were that day. Letting yourself go and ignoring your husband's needs and wants is what led to this betrayal of vows, nothing else. Work on yourself, become the woman he once loved again and everything will work out for the better if you let it.

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