[Sarrah04]

I'm a girl aged 24. I've grown up in a nuclear family which includes my parents, myself and my younger brother. My father is a businessman and lives abroad for months. My brother goes to uni and looks after our business here. The issue is that my mother has got really possessive. I've always been around her. We are more than best friends and secret sharers. I take care of her, be it her meals and medicines on time, massages, shopping, eating out and everything. Now what happens is if I leave her even for a couple of hours once or twice a month to hang out with my friends, I return to find her sad and her bp high. She is cross, scolds me that I'm being too free-spirited (although people around us tell my mother she has raised the best kids) but later admitted that she feels lonely and empty without me which makes her irritated. I have limited my hangouts to breakfasts when she is asleep but this doesn't end here. I'm worried about what will happen when I'll get married and leave? Even if I keep visiting frequently, that won't be enough because she is addicted to my company. I'm afraid she won't take care of herself, and will fall ill and depressed. Kindly suggest me how to cope with the situation ASAP.

[talaniman]

I think for now being patient and not worrying about the what ifs of the future may help. Is there a medical or physical reason why your mother is so dependent on you? It seems since the men are so involved and away you are her whole world, so where are her friends and relatives?

[joypulv]

It's OK to sit down for a long gentle talk that starts with the question, "Who will be with you when I go out more, and meet the right man, and get married, and go wherever our lives take us? Do you want to always live with me?"
That way her BP won't shoot up but you can start one of several conversations on this topic. You can also start each one with "Don't forget, I'm 24 now, and we have to tal about the future."
SHE isn't being fair to YOU. She can't be that old if you are 24.

On a more current note, how about keeping a calendar on the wall with days and hours written down for when you want to hang with friends. You can discuss it at the beginning of each week. Sure, there will be some spontaneous ones too, but just plan on coming home sooner on those days.

BEST IDEA YET: Get your brother to give her a small job at the business for 3 hours a day!!!

[Fr_Chuck]

Is there a medical reason you are doing her meals, massage and you seem like a care giver not a daughter.

You start scheduling time away, to a point you are not a servant but a daughter again.

[talaniman]

Are you from a country or culture that expects you to stay home and be a full time caregiver for your mother? Do you work or have school obligations also? A better idea of your family and cultural structure may help with suggestions. Have you discussed this situation with your father?

[Jake2008]

You are facing a situation, many thousands of people face every day, and that is the ageing or demands of taking care of their parent, who needs care. Just a you described.

As well, your mother is as aware of the rest of us, that it is likely at some point in our lives, as we grow older, we too will need care, and we would hope our children would take care of us, if we couldn't take care of ourselves. It is a necessary burden for some, to put on their children, because the alternatives are not wanted, and sometimes seen as not necessary.

Many parents do not want to go to a nursing home, or assisted nursing home, under any circumstances.

As conditions of our loved one deteriorates, and their needs become greater, the flip side of that coin is, so too do the caregivers responsibilities.

Guilt becomes part of the situation even thinking about alternatives, and the caregiver feeling 'entitled' to their own life and development, also causes guilt, and inner arguments.

You have some hard choices to make. Your development or goals, i.e. marriage, your own place, independence, become more and more important, and the other side of that coin is, your mother's situation becomes more and more lacking in independence, and her needs become greater because she cannot take care of herself.

I recommend an assessment. Start with your family doctor. Go and speak to him about your concerns, and bring your question here to help you get your concerns out. Ask him/her for help in figuring out what to do. There are so many possibilities. She may qualify for day to day visits by RPN's, Home Care Workers, rides to doctor appointments, etc. There are many who contribute to the homes of those who are unwell, and contribute to their care. It does not have to be just you.

You also have the benefit, with others in the hope periodically, of keeping you updated and making recommendations as to more care, less care, etc. You aren't on your own monitoring blood pressure, medications, and other personal needs.

Yes, you are indeed 'entitled' to seek your own way, but I recommend that you plan your path, without being tied to your mother, and her not being tied to you. As long as you see yourself as the only one who can carry on this task with her, and she sees you as her only alternative, you will both be stuck with the struggle, of needs vs. wants.

It is easier to make this transition now, rather than later down the road when a dozen years have passed, and you become resentful and bitter, and that happens all the time as well. Being strong now, and working your mothers needs into your life, as opposed to her needing you to the exclusion of your own needs and wants and plans, will benefit both of you.

See what your options are and talk to the organizations that provide the help. Any caregiver recognizes the need for balance, because that keeps both parties comfortable, and happy.

Best of luck to you.