[misspurple77]

16 years ago my narcissist exboyfriend broke up with me, after only seven months. He was so arrogant that he tried to change me afterwards, because I was nearly perfect and he didn't wanted a next relationship of me ending for the same reasons as he broke it off with me. Of course I told him to get lost, but he was so arrogant, that he thought that I was only mad because he broke up with me. He really started to stalk me. I completely ignored him, and he couldn't accept that there was someone in this world, that didn't wanted to have anything to do with him. I informed all my roommates in the dorm that I was living in back then, to never let him inside again. I didn't needed to inform my friends, because he once called all of them, when he was in my dorm room and I wasn't there, so they all wanted to know why the hell he called them, to ask where I was.

Since then I have read a lot about narcissim and everything fits. He didn't even respect my no during our relationship and was very manipulative and disrespectful.

So I have been ignoring him for 16 years. We live in the same city with half a million inhabitants, so sometimes I run into him and then I always try to sneak away, without him noticing me.

I am in therapy, one of the reasons is that I am always falling for the wrong guys. Last year I switched from one mental health care provider to another. The day that I had my last appointment at the old provider, when I was leaving, he came in. So I thought, finally, he recognises that he has issues and he is handling them!

But now he send me a LinkedIn add-request accompanied by this message:
"Hi MP,

Hope you are doing well.
If you feel like it, we can connect.
Fortunately you are looking very good.
Regards and hug,

his name"

This really creeps me out! Am I overreacting? Of course I will not link with him, and I will not even send him a message telling him to stay away from me, but I am really shocked by this. He is the reason why I am not in the phonebook anymore and he fortunately doesn't know where I live exactly.

[smoothy]

Just ignore the request, you don't have to accept it or respond to it. That's the best way to deal with it and safest way to deal with it.

[tickle]

After 16 years you should know how to deal with this. You just ignore it. After that period you should be laughing at the audacity of him.

[misspurple77]

I see the 16 years as the shocking part. A sane person would have forgotten me by now, don't he?

[smoothy]

You never forget people you have dated. I remember every one I ever dated since 1978. And no I haven't ever tried to reconnect with any of them.

[talaniman]

I wouldn't get in a panic over a chance meeting, or an attempt to get back in touch by an ex. It happens. Ignore him.

[misspurple77]

Other exes contact me too. I don't mind, but this one is really scary. He came over to my dorm in the middle of the night, he came to my favourite bar, at New Years Eve, when I didn't wanted to have anything to do with him anymore, he came to the parc near my dorm, where I always was. We had a lecture together, so I always waited until he left the lecture hall, before I got out of my seat, so that he didn't see me. After a few weeks he noticed me anyway and asked me if I just started that course or something. I told him, no I always waited until you left the lecture hall, before I got up, because I didn't wanted you to see me. He wanted me to come stand with him and his friends, during the break, but I said no, and just like when we were dating, he tried to manipulate me again, by saying that I was being ridiculous, that everybody thought that I was crazy for not joining them. He really disrespected my no, over and over again. Of course I didn't give in then, I didn't care what his friends might think of me, nor did I always agree with his crazy assesions of situations, I just wanted him to stay away from me and I wanted to stay away from him.

[joypulv]

Seems like he views your nos as a challenge. Common male stereotype, conquest by ridicule.
Don't even interact verbally.
When you were in class together, he was able to have power because you didn't get out of your seat! Guys like that need to know that NOTHING they do is going to limit you. You should NOT sneak away when you cross paths. Walk right on by and do not pause. If he walks beside you, tell him you will scream for a cop.

[J_9]

Seems like he views your nos as a challenge. Common male stereotype, conquest by ridicule.
Don't even interact verbally.
When you were in class together, he was able to have power because you didn't get out of your seat! Guys like that need to know that NOTHING they do is going to limit you. You should NOT sneak away when you cross paths. Walk right on by and do not pause. If he walks beside you, tell him you will scream for a cop.

This was 16 years ago.

[Wondergirl]

This was 16 years ago.

"So I have been ignoring him for 16 years. We live in the same city with half a million inhabitants, so sometimes I run into him and then I always try to sneak away, without him noticing me.

I am in therapy, one of the reasons is that I am always falling for the wrong guys. Last year I switched from one mental health care provider to another. The day that I had my last appointment at the old provider, when I was leaving, he came in.

But now he send me a LinkedIn add-request.... "

[misspurple77]

Seems like he views your nos as a challenge. Common male stereotype, conquest by ridicule.
Don't even interact verbally.
When you were in class together, he was able to have power because you didn't get out of your seat! Guys like that need to know that NOTHING they do is going to limit you. You should NOT sneak away when you cross paths. Walk right on by and do not pause. If he walks beside you, tell him you will scream for a cop.

It is not about what guys like him need. It is about what I need! I don't want any drama, if I can avoid it. Why should I choose the hard way, in which he can bother me, while I can just as easily avoid him? I really don't mind sitting 30 seconds longer in a seat, it wasn't a hot seat or something. 30 seconds later the toilets would still be near the lecture hall. Telling him, 16 years ago, that I would scream for a cop, would make me look ridiculous. I could scream all I want, there are no cops in the university building, so they would never show up!

He didn't have power over me. He doesn't want me to avoid him, so I am doing something that he doesn't want me to do. He still wants contact, but I am ignoring him for 16 years now. We only dated for 7 months, in 1999, but he kept calling till 2002. He even acted as if he accidentally called the wrong number, he used the weirdest excuses to call me. I disconnected my landline in January 2003. Since then I never uttered a word to him anymore, not even the hello when picking up the phone (I didn't have caller ID on my landline back then.) I dated another guy for six years after him, he also agreed to wait till this psycho left the theatre, the few times we accidentally met him at the movies, before we would get up out of our seats, just to avoid him. Once I was sitting on a terrace, in 2011 and my friend (former college roommate) spotted him before I did. She also agreed to leave discretely, so that he couldn't notice us, but we didn't leave earlier because of him. I am really so disgusted by him. I just don't want to deal with him anymore and even telling him that I will scream for a cop, is dealing with him.

When I saw him last year, he was walking in from the station, that is next to the mental health institute and I was standing at my bicycle, unlocking it. So when I spotted him in the distance (I fortunately have very good eyes), I bend over my bicycle, as if I was really concentrating on opening the lock and I let my long hair fell in front of my face, so that he wouldn't see me. I didn't get up until he was inside the building. I don't call that giving him power of me, I simply call that avoiding drama.

BTW: he didn't like my long hair, he always wanted me to cut it off, to a bobline, because according to him, long hair was trashy. We first met in 1997, when I was still dating another boyfriend, then I had a bob. We got together in 1999 and he always wanted me to go back to that haircut, because he liked me more like that, but I like long hair better. Just to give an example of how controlling he was, that he even tried to control my haircut.

[smoothy]

You are making a mountain out of a molehill... (which means you are making this into something more than it really is) this was just a linked in request... which can simply be ignored.

If he lives in the same part of town its possible and even likely you might bump into each other from time to time. Its something you have to live with. He does have the right to be there just as you do. You simply continue to ignore him when you do. There is only as much drama in this as you make for yourself.

[talaniman]

I'm with Smoothy on this one. Simply put you shouldn't sweat the small stuff. Running into an ex, and a casual contact is no reason to panic, or even keep those old bad feelings alive. Unless you want to.

Feel better after your rant?

[misspurple77]

I'm with Smoothy on this one. Simply put you shouldn't sweat the small stuff. Running into an ex, and a casual contact is no reason to panic, or even keep those old bad feelings alive. Unless you want to.

Feel better after your rant?

What rant?

[joypulv]

I didn't read 90% of what you added about stories between you because you totally misunderstood what I said.
When I said he 'needed' to act a certain way, you said no, it was about what you need. What you need doesn't obviate what he needs. He needs power.
And I clearly meant to scream for a cop on the busy STREETS, if he won't leave you alone, not in a classroom. You mix the distant past with the recent past and with the present.

You still don't get that anyone who can get you to stop your normal movements and routines to avoid them DOES HAVE POWER over you, no matter how small. He was aware of it, I'll bet anything.

You tell us how you hid your face last year behind your long hair, and then go into a story about his demands for short hair, and why, and so on, and WHAT DOES THAT MATTER NOW? It's irrelevant, yet you are making it relevant.

You need to ask yourself why you stayed with him for 7 months and waited for him to break up with you.
This whole bit about a mistaken encounter now is just ... only as big a deal as you make it. Ignore it.

I understand that you think that you have reason to be afraid now, and that's why you have to keep adding to the stories. You don't, and you don't.

[misspurple77]

I didn't read 90% of what you added about stories between you because you totally misunderstood what I said.
When I said he 'needed' to act a certain way, you said no, it was about what you need. What you need doesn't obviate what he needs. He needs power.
And I clearly meant to scream for a cop on the busy STREETS, not in a classroom. You mix the distant past with the recent past and with the present.

You still don't get that anyone who can get you to stop your normal movements and routines to avoid them DOES HAVE POWER over you, no matter how small. He was aware of it, I'll bet anything.

You tell us how you hid your face last year behind your long hair, and then go into a story about his demands for short hair, and why, and so on, and WHAT DOES THAT MATTER NOW? It's irrelevant, yet you are making it relevant.

You need to ask yourself why you stayed with him for 7 months and waited for him to break up with you.
This whole bit about a mistaken encounter now is just ... only as big a deal as you make it. Ignore it.

I know why I stayed with him for seven months. Like I stated in the question, I went into therapy years ago to figure that and a lot of other things out. It is because of my parents. They were probably both narcissists that really emotionally and physically abused my baby sister and me. Children with a childhood like that, grow up to adults with low selfesteem and someone who treats them as badly as their parents did, feels familiar. I am in therapy for years now, to break that cycle. My baby sister, also has a bad track record when it comes to men. Our parents didn't respect our boundaries, they never taught us that they should be respected. They always called me selfish, whenever I tried to set my own boundaries or had a will of my own. They taught us that we didn't matter, that we were put on this earth to serve them and that wanting something for ourselves was selfish. If you grow up like that, it is really hard to set healthy boundaries in a relationship as an adult, because you really don't know what healthy behaviour is. We were never exposed to a healthy relationship. My parents had a toxic marriage and should have never gotten married in the first place.

I saw that there was some confusion about what was 16 years ago and what was now, so I only gave a timeline hoping to end any confusion. I still avoid him in the present and not only did I not respond to his LinkedIn request, I also actively blocked him, so that he can never message me through LinkedIn again.

I really don't see actively avoiding him when I coincidentally bump into him as giving him power. He is really hard to get rid off. He doesn't seem to understand the words no and leave me alone forever, as he has just demonstrated again. I just hoped that after 16 years he would give up seeking contact with me and just finally respect that I want nothing to do with him. I find it so incomprehensible, that someone, 16 years after I told him that I don't ever want to speak to him again, still actively tries to seek contact and that is why I was wondering, do I need to worry?

The story about my hair, was just to illustrate what kind of controlling person he is, and why I don't want anything to do with him anymore, ever.

I never thought anything more of the encounters with him in class, in the theatre, at the terrace or even at the mental health institute. We live in the same city, so we accidentally meet each other, I just don't want him to approach me and having to deal with brushing him off, so I avoid him when I see him, to avoid drama.

He did stalk me back in 1999 and 2000. He came to the bar where I always was and asked my friend, who worked there, where I was. He came over to my dorm and waited hours for me, in the middle of the night in front of my dormroom (I fortunately locked it) he left (I didn't got home till 7.30 am fortunately) because it took him too long, but he then called me and argued with me about that. He came to the parc and laid his towel next to mine and when I told him go lay somewhere else in that huge parc, he asked me why he was the one who should leave. Once, after class he followed me into the bicycle cellar, I was really scared then, there was nobody around. He said that he had a flat tire and asked if he could ride me home on my bicycle and then walk the rest home of the way to his dorm. Of course I said no, I didn't wanted to be near him, I didn't wanted him to ride my bicycle! In the years 1999 and 2000 I have told him so often to leave me alone and get lost, he just didn't listen. Once I almost called the cops on him, when he didn't wanted to leave my dormroom, when a roommate let him in while I was taking a shower. As a last resort I called my best friend and asked what else I could do to get him to leave, without involving the cops. While I was on the phone he screamed that I was lying and that I never told him to leave. My best friend told me not to argue with him about that, but to tell him again to leave, with her as a witness, so I did. He finally left, but while he was namecalling me as if I was the bad guy. He is that hard to get rid of. I don't like bothering other people and I certainly don't want to have the call the Police.

Since he still keeps bothering me if he sees me, I just find it easier to avoid confrontation. He did saw me in the theatre, a couple of times when I was there with my other ex. He kept staring very boldly in our direction, while he was there with his then girlfriend (who even looks exactly like me, that was creepy, he didn't get her to cut of her long hair, either, LOL). My other ex also noticed all of that, it wasn't just something that I imagined.

But just to be sure I will address this in my therapygroup tomorrow and see what my groupmates and the therapists think about how I am handling this situation.

What might be relevant for you to know, is that last year I finally got diagnosed with autism. (That is why I switched from one mental health care provider to another, because the first one wasn't specialised in autism.) One of the traits of autism is that we find a lot of details relevant, that neurotypicals don't. It also works the other way around. I often ask people, why did you never tell me that and they answer with that they didn't think that it would interest me to know that. Unfortunately, because of this I have the tendendy to overshare, to share too many details and unfortunately, that can also lead to misunderstandings.

[Cat1864]

It is not about what guys like him need. It is about what I need! I don't want any drama, if I can avoid it. Why should I choose the hard way, in which he can bother me, while I can just as easily avoid him? I really don't mind sitting 30 seconds longer in a seat, it wasn't a hot seat or something. 30 seconds later the toilets would still be near the lecture hall. Telling him, 16 years ago, that I would scream for a cop, would make me look ridiculous. I could scream all I want, there are no cops in the university building, so they would never show up!

He didn't have power over me. He doesn't want me to avoid him, so I am doing something that he doesn't want me to do. He still wants contact, but I am ignoring him for 16 years now. We only dated for 7 months, in 1999, but he kept calling till 2002. He even acted as if he accidentally called the wrong number, he used the weirdest excuses to call me. I disconnected my landline in January 2003. Since then I never uttered a word to him anymore, not even the hello when picking up the phone (I didn't have caller ID on my landline back then.) I dated another guy for six years after him, he also agreed to wait till this psycho left the theatre, the few times we accidentally met him at the movies, before we would get up out of our seats, just to avoid him. Once I was sitting on a terrace, in 2011 and my friend (former college roommate) spotted him before I did. She also agreed to leave discretely, so that he couldn't notice us, but we didn't leave earlier because of him. I am really so disgusted by him. I just don't want to deal with him anymore and even telling him that I will scream for a cop, is dealing with him.

When I saw him last year, he was walking in from the station, that is next to the mental health institute and I was standing at my bicycle, unlocking it. So when I spotted him in the distance (I fortunately have very good eyes), I bend over my bicycle, as if I was really concentrating on opening the lock and I let my long hair fell in front of my face, so that he wouldn't see me. I didn't get up until he was inside the building. I don't call that giving him power of me, I simply call that avoiding drama.

BTW: he didn't like my long hair, he always wanted me to cut it off, to a bobline, because according to him, long hair was trashy. We first met in 1997, when I was still dating another boyfriend, then I had a bob. We got together in 1999 and he always wanted me to go back to that haircut, because he liked me more like that, but I like long hair better. Just to give an example of how controlling he was, that he even tried to control my haircut.

Almost all of this is about you causing drama in your own life. After you let the landline go, you seem to have had no contact from him either by phone, computer, or in person (until the linked in message). You may argue that you haven't had in person contact because you keep avoiding him, however, I highly doubt you have seen him first every time you happen to be in the same place. I also doubt you know every time he has seen you and kept going about his own business while you are either oblivious or panicking and plotting your escape.

I am not trying to down play any actions or words he did or said. However, I am concerned that you are now the one victimizing yourself. What has your current therapist said when you talk about hiding and running away from this person?

[misspurple77]

I never discussed him with my current therapist. I will try to do so tomorrow. Now that I am in grouptherapy, I don't see my therapist one on one anymore, it is important that the grouptherapy is all the therapy that I receive now. Since I let my landline go, I thought that the problem was over, I never saw the avoiding him as a problem that needed to be discussed. You are the first person that sees it as a problem, my friends never said something like that, when I accidentally bumped into him and avoided him with them around. The one time that I described in 2011, when my friend alerted me of him, she also understood that I really didn't wanted to deal with him, and never worried about that.

I do worry that I might be under but also overreacting, that is why I posted this question. I even discussed that with my best friend and she said that that was possible. I have a very good memory (also due to my autism) and that is why, while most people forget the details after so many years and all the emotions that come with them, I don't. Her opinion was that my ex is probably hoping that I forgot about all the drama with him, but that is simply impossible for me to forget things like that. Part of being autistic is also being very sensitive, so drama has a deeper impact on me, than on neurotypical people.

I really don't see actively avoiding him as causing drama in my life, how do you figure that? I moved on with my life after the break up, isn't that exactly what you are supposed to do? I made a huge mistake by dating him and dating him for so long, I wholeheartedly admit that. I understand now why I did that and I am doing everything in my power to not end up in an relationship like that again. After our relationship ended, he also send me some emails, I never even read those. So I am only trying to spend as little time on him as possible. My experience with him has taught me, that it really takes a long time to get rid of him. I really don't want to make a big scene in public and scream for a cop, I really rather avoid that.

It is possible that there were occasions on which he saw me, without him seeing me and that he didn't bother me, but unfortunately, I never witnessed any time where he did notice me, but didn't bother me. All that I do know, is that whenever he noticed me somewhere he always approached me, or in the theatre, very rudely and obnoxiousy stared at me. And now, when I really didn't expect that anymore, he contacts me with a very creepy message over LinkedIn. During our relationship, he was so obsessed with my appearance, that the fact that he commented that I "fortunately look very good" only affirms to me, that he is still the same looks obsessed guy. When we were dating he once forced me to a bar where his exgirlfriend worked, to show me how beautiful she was. After the break up, he asked me to cut up a student ID for him, to give him the picture in it with my hair in a bobline because he liked that picture so much. Of course I didn't, I didn't wanted to cut up an ID for him, but most of all, I didn't wanted him to use my picture to show off to a new girlfriend about how beautiful I am.

[smoothy]

Still, making far more out of this than there really is. Most people move on.. and what happened before isn't even on their mind as they focus on the here and now, and even tomorrow. You can't move forward until you let go of the past. No physical violence occurred so there isn't good cause to be concerned.

Has nothing to do with memory....I have an excellent memory and can remember situations from 40 years ago like they were last week...in vivid color and even the smells and odors associated with them at the time in most cases.

The past is what it is....you can't change it....but you can move on from it..and in fact you have to. You can't move forward if you are clinging on to the past tenaciously.

Just like the chain on a bicycle locking it to the fence. You have to release that before you can go anywhere else.

[talaniman]

Forgive me for mistaking all that written detail for a rant when it's apparent you have no choice but to write like an author to explain every little thing, which may be hard for me to follow or even understand the need. Most would have let the whole thing go in 10 minutes and not given it another thought, but obviously you don't have that luxury.

Just glad you are receiving help for this. Good Luck.