[Logan Shoemaker]

My girlfriend and I had been together for a very long time and we've known each other a long time. Recently here in the relationship it was going downhill and we weren't feeling the connection. Then on my gfs birthday she seen my text messages of cheating with another girl. She dumped me and she seems set on not wanting me back. She says she has no feeling for me. Is there anyway I can get her? I've bought flowers and apologized so many times, told her I'd do anything. I need her. Please I need 100% serious help. Specify gender because I feel like women will know more. Lmao. THANKS.

[CravenMorhead]

The short answer is: No.

You cheated on her. There is NO guanatee that you will not do that again if you two hit a trough in your relationship again. You've betrayed her trust and violated the monogamous rule in your relationship. After something like that there is precious little chance of getting back together, regardless of the gesture. Right now it is going to look like, "Sorry I got caught boinking another woman." or, "Sorry I don't find our sex life enough so I need to dip my nib in another ink pot.", instead of, "I am sorry I violated your trust and that my infedielity ruined our relationship, I will never do it again."

Cheating aside, your relationship has been dying for a while now. As you said, it was going downhill and weren't feeling the connection. You don't want that connection, as evidence by your reaction to this. You both, I do believe she is to fault as well, let this relationship die. Relationships, and this is what a lot of our generation is missing, require a lot of maintenance and a lot of work to keep functional and alive. If you get to a point where you neglect that, as you both did it would seem, then the relationship starts to flounder and the "loving feeling" starts to die. Your priorities stop being the family unit your developing but your own desires. It takes an active choice on the part of both of you to actually work on and strengthen your relationship.

I believe that your girlfriend was thinking of leaving the relationship for a while before she dumped you. I just don't think she had the guts or the reasons to do it. The world has become such a disconnected and dystopic place that a lot of people believe that it is better to be in a dysfunctional relationship then alone. A little secret. Most relationships have a best before date on them. Some are only meant to last a few years. A lot of good resources are thrown into a relationship that is dead or dying. Everyone really needs to realize when it is over and just move along.

I think you need to be alone for a bit and work on yourself. I think you need to find a better match for yourself. Instead of Ms. Good enough find Ms. almost perfect.

Good Luck.

[Oliver2011]

Click your heals together three times while repeating “There’s no place like home.” Wait, that’s getting back to Kansas.

Sorry dude, if you cheated on me I would dump you too. By cheating you showed her that she didn’t mean enough for you not to cheat. You showed her physical satisfaction meant more than she does to you. Flowers aren’t going to make up for it. Trust is a precious thing and now you have lost it with her. Hopefully this teaches you something.

[joypulv]

Admit it - you just want the comfort, the nest, the fall back woman to come home to if your flirting elsewhere isn't getting results. You didn't even confess to cheating; you got CAUGHT. Or her birthday no less!

Everything you say reeks of someone who has a lot to learn.
You want to know how to 'get her' like she's a new car or a jacket you loaned to someone. Ugh. And flowers and apologies are a dime a dozen. Character and integrity and priceless. You make amends by ACTIONS, not words, and that can take years.
Then, you say you 'need her.' No, you don't need her. You want her. Very, very different. VERY DIFFERENT. Thinking you 'need' her is selfish and childish and self centered. You need air and food and shelter. Anything else is a wish.
Last but not least, you want to know our gender. Sheesh, there are guys here can zero in on a relationship problem with the most articulate wording in the world. To think 'women will know more' is thinking from years ago. About 10,000 years ago.

Lick your wounds, learn from this for a year or so, and be different next time, next person.

[talaniman]

Stop begging and sending flowers. That's a cheap way of trying to show someone you are sorry. You think she is a fool to fall for that? Why should she even believe a word you said when you have LIED, and CHEATED, and caused great hurt? When you don't appreciate what you have, then you lose it. Too late to say you can't live without her when you should have thought about that before you played cheater. Leave her alone, maybe she misses and forgives you, maybe she won't. Leave her alone and learn your lesson of bad behavior the hard way.

Or your other option is keep showering her with gifts and flowers and begging like a dog!! You don't seem to have much dignity and self respect anyway.

[Homegirl 50]

Your relationship was floundering anyway and she was part of that floundering. Your cheating probably sealed the deal for her, gave her an excuse to walk.
Learn from your errors and move on. If she says she does not want you back, she probably doesn't.
How old are the two of you?

[smoothy]

Hard lesson to learn... but you made your bed so sleep in it... the old saying goes.

If one party in a couple decides its over for any reason.. or even no reason, then its over. You learn from your mistakes.. move on and don't repeat them with the next person.

[DoulaLC]

Just a word of advice for the future:

You will most likely find yourself in a similar position of a relationship going through some rough times, and feeling less of a connection. In a mature relationship you either understand that it will happen on occasion, and that it makes it that much more important to close ranks and work together, or if you decide you aren't committed enough for that, you end the relationship BEFORE you look elsewhere.

[redhed35]

I have been pondering your question and reading the responses, all excellent advice.
For me, having once been on the receiving end of a cheater I just could not get the image out of my head, the relationship was dead on the water from that one deed.
Try and imagine how she feels, not how you feel now.
Many relationships do recover from cheating, but it takes time to heal, trust again and very honest conversations. Even the strongest of couples struggle to pull through that kind of relationship crisis.

Only you and your ex know how you communicated as a couple and if your act of cheating is something you both can come back from.
If the relationship was shaky beforehand it's unlikely she will want to try again.
Its unfortunate for you that you now realise too late what she meant to you.

Don't let this episode of cheating define you in future relationships, it does not mean you're a bad man, just a man who made a mistake and is now paying a high price.

Now you can be the good guy, let her go, let her heal, this will affect other relationships for her too.

Learn the lesson, don't cheat again, and there are no winners in the game of cheating.

[Fr_Chuck]

They are right, while just a short answer, there does not (at least written) even appear to be remorse for cheating, just being caught and use the excuse that the relationship was having trouble.

The relationship was really over the day you cheated, you stop making your relationship special.

Admit your fault and move on.

[Jake2008]

Many serious relationships, and marriages, DO survive infidelity.

But, both parties must be on the same page, and that page, is all about honesty, and preferably through therapy.

So much damage is done when one party cheats on the other. By you attempting to get back with her by flowers and apology, says that you really don't have a clue that nothing short of counseling, will give you a shot at winning her back.

Start by going yourself. Try to gain some insight into your own behavior, in order that you can change. The first thing you will realize that flowers and apologies don't cut it. There is knowledge to be learned, in order for you to be able to make a commitment, and keep it. It is hard work, but even if it ends up that you were the only one to go, you will learn more about relationships, women, commitment, and honesty to name a few. How to communicate, set priorities, goals, etc. You will learn what you did, is not pain you want to inflict on anyone, ever again.

Let her know after you have made appointments for a minimum of six sessions, that you are going to counseling. Let her know that at the end of the six sessions (step up here), would she consider going to couples counseling.

That too will be difficult for you. What counseling together will do, is give her an opportunity to speak, and be heard. It is only then that you will begin to realize just what you have done to another human being. Listen- really listen to what she has to say. These steps are the beginning of rebuilding the relationship that was trashed.

That will take time. And it will take hard work, and a genuine commitment in not only changing yourself, but understanding how you must be willing to do the work to change the nature of the relationship, in order to build a new foundation. That foundation is trust.

I am a woman by the way, not that it should matter. Many men on this site would answer with the same ideas in mind.

Beat of luck.