[thecamelsback]

I have been with my husband since I was 24 and we were married at 26 (in 2007) and we are now 34. We have 2 boys, both under the age of 4. On August 22, 2014 my husband sat me down and told me that he was caught video-taping my younger sister taking a shower in our bathroom the week before. He disclosed that this was not the first time that he did this. He was caught during the summer of 2013 by a different sister (I have 3 sisters, all of whom I am VERY close with). The first time he was caught, my sister told my father, who sat down with my husband and the 2 of them decided not to tell me. My husband said that the camera was a gift and that it was a onetime thing, and that he was just curious. However, he when he was caught again my sisters and father said he needed to tell me or they will.

My husband sat down and told me that he had done this 5 times over the last year. That he never kept any of the footage and that it hadn't even worked 2 times that he had tried. That he was very sorry and that he wanted to keep our family together. He said it was never sexual but that he was just curious and that he enjoyed the rush of doing something taboo and wrong. I kicked him out of the house and took 2 weeks to try and process everything. This was a complete blindside to me as I had always thought we had a happy and fulfilling marriage. He promised that it would never happen again and that he would get help. He went to 6 months of therapy up until January of 2015. We have had countless conversations about what he did and I have tried my best to forgive him but I have struggled. I do not understand his motivation behind his actions as well as I do not trust that this will not happen again. More than anything I am struggling to move forward.

I have been raised Catholic, I was married in a church and I attend church most weekends. I have never believed in divorce, nor have I ever thought it would be an option for me. However I am torn between keeping my family together for our 2 amazing boys, who deserve a happy home and staying in a marriage that makes me feel like a victim of sexual abuse. I also want to believe in my husband, as I have always thought he was a good man, and I believe in second chances. My husband says that he never thought he would get caught, or what the ramifications would be once he was caught. That is was a private thrill ride for him because he was feeling overwhelmed by the restrictions being a parent of small children. We have been dealing with many sleepless nights over the last 4 years as well as our relationship has taken a back seat to raising our children, but for me I always thought this was normal and it would get easier once our children were a bit older. Through his therapy he said that he has realized how he dealt with things the wrong way and how he needed to find a healthy release for any issues that he faces. He also realized that he needs to work on his communication as he keeps things bottled up inside most of the time. One of the things that I keep going back to, is the fact if he did struggle with feeling restricted by having kids (and he has always been a great dad) then why didn't he talk to me about it, his wife. I have always been open and understanding with him and this hurts like a dagger to my trust. He says that I was always busy with the kids and he did not want to burden me, which makes me feel like he makes excuses for his behaviors and lays the blame on me.

Help me move forward. I hate being hurt and angry and keeping this secret...

[joypulv]

First, you are not a victim of sexual abuse; your sister is.
Second, you need couple counseling. You need to see the connections among the various threads of this story. His voyeurism is one thing - he says very common things such as enjoying the rush and feeling the 'restrictions' (translation, lack of a sex life) of a parent of young children. His lack of communication with you is common too. You played a part in this, by assuming that it was OK for your relationship to 'take a back seat for 4 years!' Big mistake on your part. So work on some forgiveness, and some realization that he is a good husband and father, and some awareness of your role in all this.
He needs to regain your TRUST but it can be done. It takes time. It takes work. It takes you allowing it to happen at a certain pace that both gives him the task of working extra hard on it, without being beaten down for what happened in the past. That's a tall order, because YOU shouldn't be forced to give him trust again so easily that you end up feeling cheated. So work on a timeline and a plan on paper. TIME is very important. Think about how much time you want, even if he is bending over backwards to communicate.

If you can afford couple counseling, get it. Counseling isn't taking sides. It's teaching communication. A good counselor will have you do exercises in talking to each other.

It isn't about the past. If the past becomes a tool, a bargaining chip, a fallback in an argument, then all will fail. If you see this as a matter of trust plain and simple, and if you see him expressing his feelings and wishes, then leave the past in the past, and let him know that he's getting your trust back bit by bit.
If you find yourself clinging to the past, then YOU need individual therapy.

Another part of this very difficult task is regaining your intimacy with him on some level. Otherwise he stays faithful but miserable. Yes, he has a right. Find out what brings it back by ASKING him! Remember when you were first dating. Think of little ways to create something new in your sex life. Even a lacy underwear set, or petals on the bed with you rolling in them, I don't know, you do. It doesn't have to go overboard or feel phony, or be constant.

Does all that sound doable?

[Fr_Chuck]

I will agree, if you want to ever make it work, you need to both be in couples counseling. They help you find where you are at, how you really feel and how to communicate with the other.

Now that communication may show you can not stay a couple, it is not geared to always make it work, it is geared at each person learning to be honest.

[talaniman]

I would imagine you both are in great pain, well you should be, and need to acknowledge, and vent that pain. That will take time as the healing process cannot be rushed. The catholic church does offer some couples counselling to guide you through the process of dealing with your pain both as individuals and as a couple. As long as you know it's a process you BOTH must undertake one day at a time, one step at a time.

I think all couples go through some trauma that shakes the peace, and hurts us like hell, be it a job, the kids, finances, or each other, and we suffer while we learn how to deal with the reality of life, and get our strength back and learn to love, live, and trust again, mostly after much pain and suffering through the trauma of adversity.

This will hurt for a long time, and so will the job of rebuilding yourselves so take the guidance of an impartial third party, like a doctor after an accident, and let the healing begin. No matter where it leads you will be stronger for it. You don't have to even consider anything else at this point, just focus on dealing with the pain.

That's a job enough, the rest can come later when you feel better, and are ready for that step.

Sorry for your pain, but it will get better. Life may have knocked you off your path, but you will find it again and get back on it.

[thecamelsback]

joypulv, I take serious issue with you saying "His lack of communication with you is common too. You played a part in this, by assuming that it was OK for your relationship to 'take a back seat for 4 years!' Big mistake on your part."

I IN NO WAY played a part in this. When I said our relationship has taken a backseat it is because we were both dealing with 2 small children (I was breastfeeding and up all night) that took a great deal of our energy and time. I never felt like our marriage was anything less than good, I was just tired all the time. If he had felt like he wasn't getting enough from our marriage then he should have talked to me about it, not gone and done something illegal and immoral. His actions are his own responsibility.

And we have been in and out of counselling since last August. I have actually gone to 2 different counsellors and had them both tell me that I would benefit more from couples counselling and that they didn't really think they could help me. He has been seeing his own individual counsellor as well off and on since last summer. When we did go and have 6 sessions with a couples counsellor, however we did not have a good experience. We ended up stopping after 6 sessions because we agreed we were not getting anything out of our sessions, however he continues to go to his own and I can say that his individual sessions have helped us the most. He comes home with homework and we have good conversations about it.

We went through a very hard patch during the spring. He never wanted to talk about our issues. We would act like everything was great during the day for the kids and then it was silence between us after bedtime. I would try to get him to open up. He has told me "he feels nothing inside", which I know is a lie. He comes from a family that never speaks about their feelings but that is just not a good enough excuse. He also refused to apologize for a very long time for what he did. He is stubborn and hates to apologize for anything. In May I was done and we separated for a week. I felt like I was the only one trying. He said he wanted to keep our family together so I said I would work with him on 3 conditions:

1) He apologized earnestly 10 times over the next 2 months in person to me. I still did not really feel like he was sorry for what he did; only that he was caught. I gave him 2 months because I know this is hard for him.

2) That he be the one to initiate our conversations. I was tired of being the only one address the elephant in our relationship.

3) That he work to restore his relationship with me sisters as they are a huge part of my life.Well the 2 month deadline is today, and he has only apologized 6 times.

I am at a loss... on one hand I could just let this go and try to focus on moving forward, but I feel so disrespected that he couldn't even apologize 10 times for something that was so wrong! If you are wrong, you should have to apologize as many times as it takes for me to forgive him. And I don't think that my requests were too much, as well as he agreed to these terms. On the other hand I could leave him, and make this the last straw... but he has made small baby steps towards talking more over the last 2 months. I am trying to cut him some slack; I know this is hard on him. But this is hard on me too...

I pretty much wrote this post to see what people think... if this is something they feel I should be able to move past. I can't tell any of my friends for fear they will look at my husband poorly so I have turned to anonymity of the internet. Thank you talaniman for you kind words. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever gone through.

I secretly worry in my head "why wasn't I enough for him"...

[talaniman]

Thank you for your additional feedback. Glad you recognize that you are angry still, and isolation does more harm than good. Sorry you didn't stick with counselling a little longer, I believe in it as a positive proper way to vent.

Just curious, if he had apologized 12 times then you would be able to forgive him, and move on, and not still be angry? I seriously doubt it. Have you talked to your father about this? If so what was has input?

I secretly worry in my head "why wasn't I enough for him"...

Never take blame for the bad behavior of another. It only fuels more anger and resentment in you, and turns it back on YOU! It is simply guilt and shame making you helpless and powerless. You don't need that mind game playing in your head, so stop it.

What do you think?

[thecamelsback]

I am a confident person and I have never doubted my self-worth, however this situation has certainly played mind games with me. I have to keep reminding myself that I did not cause this and all I can do it work towards fixing my family. That I am funny, smart, attractive and loyal woman and if he cannot stay true to our relationship then I will not stay for further humiliation and abuse. As it is right now, I still check the bathroom for a camera each time I shower...

And yes, the actual number of apologies does not truly matter. It is more the fact that he could not complete the terms that we both agreed too. He could not follow through with something he SAYS means so much to him. His hesitation to apologize (which I know is hard for him) makes me FEEL like he is either not sorry, or hiding something. It is hard to trust someone again that will not take full responsibility for their actions.

And I would be open to more counselling, however I feel we need to find the right one. I have my undergrad in psychology and I honestly felt like I argued the last counsellor into silence several times. If we found another counsellor that we both found helpful I would go, and in fact I do believe we should go back soon. But for the moment we are doing fine with the counsellor he is seeing... the large obstacle we are facing right now is that he did not complete the terms we agreed too... should I be angry or let it go... I feel like I have been a very understanding and compassionate partner to date (I feel like a lot of women would leave if they found out their husband had been video taping other women taking showers), and by letting this go I feel like I am being taken for granted. However I am also tired of being hurt and upset all the time. I know that forgiveness is as much for me as it is for him...

I am still angry, I can fully admit that. What he did was selfish, stupid and hurtful. I channel my anger into soccer and running daily. I have great sisters that have listened to me analyse this to death over the last year and that has allowed me to slowly move forward. Unfortunately, I feel like there is no rulebook for how to handle this situation. If he had simply slept with someone else, I feel like I could have handled that. But to break not only my trust, but that of my family, as well as to involve so many others in your betrayal is so hard to move past.

[talaniman]

How has your family handled this? I did ask what your father has said about this, and now please share what your sisters are telling YOU to do.

[J_9]

I must say, you are a very strong woman. Standing by you man even though he violated you sister. Not many women would tolerate that.

Know that even if you work this out, he will never again be trusted by your family.

[thecamelsback]

My family has been amazing throughout the last year. I think this has been particularly difficult for my father, as it was his little girls (all my sisters are between the ages of 27 - 32) who were abused. As well as my father was the one who spoke to him the first time he was caught (in 2013) and then he did it again. However, they have all been patient and compassionate towards me and my husband. At times I can see they are still angry when we discuss it (esp after a few drinks), but I know it will take a long time to get over this. Both of my sisters have seen counselors privately that have helped them to move past this invasion and they are both on decent terms with my husband. We even all went on vacation together in March (which was something we did normally before all of this happened). We all stayed in one large 4 bedroom cabin and it was the first big step towards moving forward for all of us. My family has said they will support me no matter what, but I feel such heavy guilt for making them have to "deal" with any of this in the first place (even though I have not done anything wrong). These are my little sisters, the people I have tried to protect my entire life, and my husband took advantage of them and me.

My youngest sister has the most reservations. Her fiancé speaks very poorly behind my husband's back but when we are all together they are fine. I believe this is just part of the venting process. My husband has been good about being open to talk to any of them when they need. He can't fully explain why he did what he did but he tries to be open. If anything he is better talking to them then me.

My dad is also not a talker. He says he is fine... I doubt he is but he is quiet and stoic. He tells me he thinks I am doing the right thing by standing by my husband, but again we were all raised catholic and he does not believe in divorce. I do know that if I decided I had enough and wanted to leave they would support me, but they also want to know I have done everything I could to try and keep my family together.

Thank you talaniman for listening!

[joypulv]

I stand by what I said. You said you 'thought this was normal and would get easier.'
I made it clear that he has a lot of work to regain your trust, the trust he ruined. I wasn't excusing him!
I was trying to say that ALL relationships are intertwined, constant actions and reactions. Neither party operates in a vacuum.

You are intelligent and articulate. You were able to silence a counselor. (I think you went to the wrong kind - couple counseling is supposed to be instruction only. Teaching two people how to communicate. Too many are merely practicing therapy, and end up taking sides.)

I'm keeping this short because I suspect that you don't want to hear from me anymore. That's OK; we are all strangers here. But I still do think that a big pitfall is going to be what I said in the 3rd sentence.

Over and out!

[thecamelsback]

No, I appreciate a different point of view joypulv and I welcome any feedback that is helpful and thoughtful. I completely agree that "ALL relationships are intertwined, constant actions and reactions. Neither party operates in a vacuum." I disagreed with the statement that it was a BIG MISTAKE on my part... yes we may have been more focused on our children since having them but that does not place the blame on me. Having kids changes your life completely and I believe there is always a normal transition period. It was just the 2 of us for years and then all of a sudden he was not the only focus for my attention. However I refuse to take blame for what he did. If you are not getting enough attention, violating a family member's trust is not a normal reaction and there is no way I could have anticipated this. He had never mentioned any kind of voyeurism to me in the past.

Thank you J_9. I feel like I walk a delicate line between being supportive and making it very clear that I have zero tolerance for this happening in the future. I believe we all make mistakes, and everyone deserves a second chance, but I will not tolerate the same mistake over and over. I don’t think he ever really thought about getting caught, which feels very immature to me but we all have our faults. But he is clear about the consequences going forward and if he is willing to work on being a better person, I want to try and be here for him. And yes, he will never have my family’s trust like he once did but they know he is a good man that has made some very poor choices and they have been supportive.

[J_9]

He has done this 5 times that he has admitted to. He has been confronted by your father once, but it continued. He was given a second chance, he just didn't get caught the other 3 times.

The problem with this is that he has been caught, but the voyeurism continued. Now he will be more careful in how he sets up his cameras.

Have you considered how this will impact the rest of your family? Holiday get togethers, etc.

How old is your sister? Is pedophelia a possibility?

[thecamelsback]

Yes, I have considered how this will impact the rest of my family. There seems to be no good option...

My sister is 32, so no, not at all.

And he did get caught in 2013 and brushed it off and then did it again. The big difference is now my entire family knows, including myself. We are hyper-vigilant about this and call him out on it whenever the need arises. Since he sat me down and told me he has changed as a person. I do believe that he wants to be a better man and that he was dealing with his own demons in a poor way. He is much more aware of his struggles now and his therapy has given him better options for dealing with stress.

[talaniman]

Where is your mom?

[thecamelsback]

My mom is there... she is angry with him but has always loved him as a son. She is hurt but she has always been strong enough to talk to him to his face about how he hurt her and I think that has helped her move forward. My youngest sister avoids conflict and therefore she has had the most trouble finding peace. I know she still does not trust him, but I cannot fix this myself. I want to give her space and then I want my husband to try and speak to her again one on one. I do think a big part of healing is for her to say to his face "you hurt me and I do not trust you. You have to earn that back and it won't be easy".

Sometimes it just helps to tell someone how much they have hurt you, even if you think they know.

[talaniman]

It's quite possible you are holding onto your own anger and the pain because of your sister. That's often the case with older siblings. I don't see that as a healthy place to be. You are in territory that you have NO control over, and your sister may never forgive him, or stop avoiding him.

Not that I would blame her.

[J_9]

Do you realize how staying with him will impact how your family feels about you?

[joypulv]

I like th

[thecamelsback]

talaniman that is an interesting perspective and probably accurate. Thank you for the insight.

J_9 yes I have thought of that. I have considered how he is a great father and the advantage to staying together for our children. I considered how much I love him (even through this heartache) and although he has hurt my family, they are all adults and understand and support my choice. As I have said, I will not tolerate him repeating this behavior again. But if he is sorry, willing to atone and never do this again, then I will try to uphold my marital vows. I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place but if we are all open and communicate then hopefully we can move past this.