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faraz25990 · Jul 20, 2015, 06:15 AM

I am Getting married soon , I am being engaged,
With my family the girl they have chosen for me, now when it has been only few months left for my marriage I came to know that being a muslim my fiancé has
Already had sex with a guy for more than 3 times.
And this is admitted by her itself as I came to know and when I asked her she admitted the same.

I love her and I respect my parents as well and don't want to hurt them as well,
But this is really killing me, please suggest me what to do.

And yes I want to marry her...

talaniman · Jul 20, 2015, 06:58 AM

Then get over your feelings of false judgements my friend or poison your own future tripping over a past event that happened before you, is totally out of your control, and cannot be changed. It's not like the woman was deceiving you, and how can your parents know of her not being a virgin?

You WANT to marry her anyway then you better grow up and deal with reality, and let go of that "virgin" fantasy, or you are simply not ready for the adult world of marriage.

Or you can cry a river like a kid, that she is not so perfect.

Jake2008 · Jul 20, 2015, 07:03 AM

In my opinion, her life, before you, is none of your business.

That she is confident enough that you can accept the answer to what you want to know, is a sign of maturity and trust. That alone is far more important and crucial to the success of any marriage.

Don't let her down by betraying the trust she has shown, by questioning her sex life before she met you. It is in the past, and I doubt very much you are a virgin yourself. Let double standards go, and free yourself of the stress of having to even think about this.

To let her go because she doesn't meet your 'standard' or whatever you want to call it, does not fit, in this the year 2015.

Work on love and respect without the burden of judgment, and you have a good shot at making your marriage work.

ma0641 · Jul 20, 2015, 08:31 AM

Then marry her! BTW Are you a Virgin?

Precious7 · Jul 20, 2015, 11:40 AM

I understand how you are feeling and also that you want to marry her too. The things which happened it happened and it's a past. Think about it that she is honest with you and wanted to marry you and start life with you with the truth instead of hiding it. Because she trust you that you love her and wants to marry her. People do lots of things in their past and they regret it too. What they did in the past is not their Identity what they are today is their identity. I am sure you have also done few things in your past and now you are totally different person, how would you feel if someone would treat you according to what you have done in your past and ignore all the good things you have done in the present.
I understand virginity is big deal in that culture but, I think forgiveness is bigger then that. Its more about you to work in your heart towards her. She is honest with you, are you able to except her and work in your heart towards all the negative things for her and love her for who she is.

smoothy · Jul 20, 2015, 12:23 PM

I'm willing to bet YOU aren't perfect and aren't a Saint yourself.

Before you start criticizing anyone else for something that happened BEFORE you even met each other... you better be ready to be criticized yourself for everything you did in your life before then too. And I guarantee you... EVERYONE has done plenty of things to be criticized over in their past.

faraz25990 · Jul 22, 2015, 05:41 AM

Originally Posted by ma0641

Then marry her! BTW Are you a Virgin?

Yes I am virgin

talaniman · Jul 22, 2015, 06:03 AM

Originally Posted by faraz25990

Yes I am virgin

Why? Please explain why this is such a big deal to you? Would you beat yourself up if you were not? Most people regardless of culture lose their virginity because they are so in love and think it will last forever, and suffer great pain when it does not.

Can you not forgive and grow beyond this notion of being a virgin?

DoulaLC · Jul 22, 2015, 06:18 AM

You have a battle between your beliefs (that many people share), cultural norms/expectations, and what you feel for this girl. It's a difficult position to be in. Only you can decide what direction will give you the future you look forward to. She was honest with you. She could have easily denied what happened in the past... as many people would in that situation.

No doubt, as was said, she likely believed that the relationship would last. People can, and do change. They will often find that what they thought was real changes as they mature.

What do you envision your life like, accepting and forgiving her past mistake, with her as your wife? What do you envision it like if you let her go? Would her lack of virginity matter to you in 5 years? 10? 20?

Just something to consider: you could find someone else, who says that they are a virgin, but in reality, you would have no way of knowing if she was being honest about it or not. With this girl, you now know her to be honest with you with difficult situations.