[Nikki577313]

My boyfriend of almost 2 years broke up with me yesterday. What happened was we have been fighting all the time for the best part of last 4-5 months. Our relationship is kind of a roller coaster ride to begin with. But the last few months have been terrible.. It all started when we had a very bad argument, because I was struggling with my depression and anxiety, all my past relationship issues and family issues on top of that, and just lashed out on him.. We didn't speak for a few weeks but he decided to give this relationship another chance. It was very hard and painful, he was very cold and distant for weeks, whenever I'd bring up the shift in his behaviour he'd deny it and say it's all in my head. In the end he did admit it was his way to "punish" me for how I've been treating him. It all evened out after a while but every time we'd have a disagreement he'd just shut me out completely and ignore me for days. It got me really insecure and I started questioning his every move, starting all kinds of petty fights and it just drove him absolutely up the wall, to the point where we couldn't even talk civilly to each other.

I find it very hard to let go of little things, and he has a temper, so when we argue it snowballs out of control. So yesterday we were supposed to spend the whole day together, he was supposed to make plans for us to do, but he didn't, so I stupidly shot down anything he suggested and eventually went home, and told him to call me if he can come up with anything we might do.. Later that night I called him since I had calmed down and was sorry for throwing a hissy fit, first he said he doesn't want to see me, but later agreed to meet up with me... We sat outside and he said that he can't be with me anymore, that this relationship is too much for him and that couples shouldn't be arguing about such small things as we are all the time.. I asked if he still loves me and he said he doesn't know but that he can't be with me and he doesn't believe we can repair the relationship anymore.. Like an emotional idiot, I cried, begged, all the things you should NOT do. He cried too but when I tried to hold his hand he jumped up, said that all this is bad for him and left..


Now I want to know what I can do if ANYTHING to get him back It FEELS done. But I still have a little bit of faith in our love. I think he just got fed up. But I want to know if you can go back from that... He made it clear he doesn't want to go back from it this time, but I wonder if a week of breathing will change his mind.. Any advice on how to get him back? Worse is that we work together and I'll get to see him everyday.. What can I say? It feels totally hopeless to me... I feel like he wants nothing to do with me... I feel like I'm suffering and he doesn't miss me at all... But I still want it to work. I can't believe our fighting drove us to this point, it's such a waste of love When we're in love, it's the strongest, most passionate, trusting, beautiful love I've ever experienced. We had gotten into all these small fights, break up, and then get back together... but this time feels different to me... usually I can tell we just broke up in a rash, angry state, but this time he was calm and sure of himself, and he just FEELS done to me.
I am truly ready to work on this to work it out, I love him so much and I know I've done so many things wrong and pushed him away... How can I show him that I'm willing to change and fight for this relationship?

[Wondergirl]

Are you truly ready? Methinks you need to work on yourself without him around.

[smoothy]

I don't see anything in there that indicate you both SHOULD be together.

Cripes if all you did was fight... breaking up did you both a HUGE favor. As Wondergirl suggests... you need to fix yourself before you get into another relationship. This one is already history and its been long overdue.

[DoulaLC]

You can want it all you want, but if he doesn't, nothing will change. Both of you would need to learn how to be able to disagree on things without your becoming overly anxious and him pulling the cold shoulder routine.

Wondergirl is spot on... take time to work on those things in yourself that you know cause problems for you in relationships. It is far easier to do that on your own than when you are in a relationship that you are also trying to make work.

Think about what you want to do or feel differently. Make a plan; what can you do on your own, who might be able to help you... counselor, doctor, etc. Take time for yourself, then you will be better able to give to any relationship you may find yourself in.

[joypulv]

I can find at least 5 places in what you wrote that indicate that you don't really see that you are the instigator, and instead of working on your insecurity and controlling your anger, you demand HIM to admit to and do something about 'the shift in his behavior.' Of course he is withdrawing! And if it's punishment, then take that to heart as fair warning, not as a chance to rant on him.
And you say what so many people who can't 'see' the other person as someone with needs and feelings and hurts: "I have faith in OUR love." Nope, you don't get to say that. No one does. You have love. He has love. When love intersects, fine. But there is no love between two people that one of them gets to define.

You need so much work on yourself that I don't know where to start. Be glad that he's gone with a lot of feeling for you still, and get some therapy. He may be willing to try again someday (usually not).
And no fair saying you promise this and that. Just do it.
And your personal and family problems are explanations. They are not excuses.
And love, oh my... you have a child's notion of love. Love is not some magical 'thing' down from heaven that endures through all this horrible misery. Love is compromise, understanding, negotiation, and acceptance. It's time and memories. It's respect.
While working on finding therapy, try pretending that he is a total stranger and that you were put together on a reality show. See if respect comes back in this imaginary show. No ranting, ranting is for little kids fighting with each other, the whole world is watching. Express feelings, wait for feelings to be expressed in return.

[Nikki577313]

I can find at least 5 places in what you wrote that indicate that you don't really see that you are the instigator, and instead of working on your insecurity and controlling your anger, you demand HIM to admit to and do something about 'the shift in his behavior.' Of course he is withdrawing! And if it's punishment, then take that to heart as fair warning, not as a chance to rant on him.
And you say what so many people who can't 'see' the other person as someone with needs and feelings and hurts: "I have faith in OUR love." Nope, you don't get to say that. No one does. You have love. He has love. When love intersects, fine. But there is no love between two people that one of them gets to define.

You need so much work on yourself that I don't know where to start. Be glad that he's gone with a lot of feeling for you still, and get some therapy. He may be willing to try again someday (usually not).
And no fair saying you promise this and that. Just do it.
And your personal and family problems are explanations. They are not excuses.
And love, oh my... you have a child's notion of love. Love is not some magical 'thing' down from heaven that endures through all this horrible misery. Love is compromise, understanding, negotiation, and acceptance. It's time and memories. It's respect.
While working on finding therapy, try pretending that he is a total stranger and that you were put together on a reality show. See if respect comes back in this imaginary show. No ranting, ranting is for little kids fighting with each other, the whole world is watching. Express feelings, wait for feelings to be expressed in return.

I know it's mostly all my fault and I truly feel terrible for pushing away someone who cared for me and lived with this nightmare.. I've tried counselling about 6 months ago, after we had this massive argument, because I couldn't cope with my anger issues and insecurities coming from my past relationship, and I don't mean to use it as an excuse, but I was in an abusive relationship for 3 years and carrying a lot of baggage.. I dropped it a few weeks down the line, because it didn't feel like helping me at all and I couldn't bring myself to talk about past things that happened.. But it is definitely something I will try and do again, not just for the relationship but for also myself..
I know I've been selfish and childish, and taking him for granted thinking he'd stay with me... I just don't know what to do.. I feel awful and so sorry for being such an idiot..

[Wondergirl]

The counselor couldn't help you because you refused to talk about past issues. *cough*

I strongly suggest you get yourself back into counseling and be upfront and honest this time.

[Nikki577313]

The counselor couldn't help you because you refused to talk about past issues. *cough*

I srongly suggest you get yourself back into counseling and be upfront and honest this time.

I've already signed up for it, will start at next week. I know I can't carry on like this with all my past issues if I want to build a healthy relationship.. I just feel so lost and alone right now.. I don't know, should I contact him, or just let it be? I'm still hoping we can fix the damage I've done, I'm truly willing to, but how can I know he is?.

[Wondergirl]

I've already signed up for it, will start at next week. I know I can't carry on like this with all my past issues if I want to build a healthy relationship.. I just feel so lost and alone right now.. I don't know, should I contact him, or just let it be? I'm still hoping we can fix the damage I've done, I'm truly willing to, but how can I know he is?

Honestly work on YOU. He'll notice at work. But don't shove yourself in his face. And don't forget -- he has an anger management problem. Maybe you both should move on.

[talaniman]

Harshness Warning

Until you have realized that you are really too unhealthy of a person to be in a healthy relationship, because the relationship with yourself is really so unhealthy, then you will never GET healthy.

You must leave him alone and work on your own self. Unless you do that your whole life will be in chaos. You have already pushed each other away, and that's what you will keep doing until he hates you. Not just him, but anyone else you latch on to with your foolish notion of love that sucks the joy of life from anyone you get with.

Learn to love yourself, and get yourself under control because everything you have written says "Out Of Control". You can do much better if you want too.

[0rphan]

The best thing you can do for both of you right now is to stay apart.You have lots of personal issues that need to be dealt with and got rid of before even considering any kind of relationship with anyone .

[Nikki577313]

I really need some opinions about this.. I am so confused right now I just don't know if this is hopeless.. We met up after work today, he seemed happy to see me, we spoke about how we've been all this time apart, I told him about my counselling and he said he is very pleased and didn't expect me to go back to it. We spoke about what's going on between us and basically he said that he can't promise me anything, he doesn't know how he feels or what he wants right now,that I have to prove myself to him and his family, because they are very unsure about me.. I told him how much he means to me, and that I am working on myself because I want this relationship to work and I don't want to lose him.. He started crying, said that this conversation is making him agitated and that he will talk to me at some point later and left... Is there still any chance to work this out or is it really over?

[smoothy]

This is simple. Its hopeless, move on... Unless you really don't care if you find yourself 50 and still single one day...

No relationship with this sort of drama is healthy or even meant to be. Trust me. If it was right you would have few disagreements and NONE of this drama.

I probably haven't had all of this drama in the entire 25 years I've been married to my current wife... and you were only dating for 2. If you see my point.

[Nikki577313]

This is simple. Its hopeless, move on... Unless you really don't care if you find yourself 50 and still single one day...

No relationship with this sort of drama is healthy or even meant to be. Trust me. If it was right you would have few disagreements and NONE of this drama.

I probably haven't had all of this drama in the entire 25 years I've been married to my current wife... and you were only dating for 2. If you see my point.

I know there's been lots of drama, but I've been the one causing it.. We haven't been fighting about big important stuff like marriage, or children, it's been me causing little arguments till they piled up and turned into a big thing.. I am so terribly sorry.. I just don't know what to do anymore.. I don't want to lose him and I truly believe that I can change and I will. He just can't seem to believe me anymore...

[smoothy]

Does't matter what the fighting was over. The mere fact there was frequent fighting was enough to justify what I said.

Also... you are who you are. If it was you causing it before... you will be causing it in the future. Short of a life threatening event... people do not change their character or personality. Sorry... but people THINK they can... and most times they will fall right back into old habits and old behaviors after briefly abstaining. Very few will chage forever. And its not fair expecting other people to trust you that you will when previous history shows you won't. I'm 54. I've seen dozens if not hundreds of people making the same mistakes over and over, sometimes decades before they actually make adjustments. Long after they pledge to do it.

That's not saying you won't be a better match for someone else... I think you will. You just aren't a good match for THIS guy.

And you can't simply forget wrongs that have been done... things that have been said. Sometimes they can be forgiven... but they will never be forgotten.

As far as losing him... you already did. You gave him lots of reasons to not believe you. Time to move on to someone else... learn from your mistakes, and don't repeat them or you will find yourself in this situation again.

Doing anything else is the equivalent of beating a dead horse. You only have 2 years DATING him. Its not like you've been married for 40 and have 10 kids with him if you see my point. You don't have all that much of an investment right now. Don't waste more time. You will see the wisdom of what I'm saying when you are dating someone new without any of the drama that you have in this relationship. No matter who or what the reason was.

[DoulaLC]

Focus on yourself right now. Give yourself every opportunity to make changes that you want to make. Its going to take some time. Don't pursue the relationship. You can't make him see what's not there yet.

[CravenMorhead]

I really need some opinions about this.. I am so confused right now I just don't know if this is hopeless.. We met up after work today, he seemed happy to see me, we spoke about how we've been all this time apart, I told him about my counselling and he said he is very pleased and didn't expect me to go back to it. We spoke about what's going on between us and basically he said that he can't promise me anything, he doesn't know how he feels or what he wants right now,that I have to prove myself to him and his family, because they are very unsure about me.. I told him how much he means to me, and that I am working on myself because I want this relationship to work and I don't want to lose him.. He started crying, said that this conversation is making him agitated and that he will talk to me at some point later and left... Is there still any chance to work this out or is it really over?

Hi!

I have opinions on a great many things.

What I read above and the resulting posts the answer here is simple. You've proverbially screwed the proverbially pooch. A artist I really like wrote a song that said, "If your kisses can't keep him, why would your tears won't bring him back." He was a saint for staying around as long as he did. I believe you need to look at this from his angle to understand why he left for good.

You're abusive and high maintenance. You've got unresolved issues that make a relationship with you difficult and you don't want to change all those issues. The typical cycle of this, and you've seen it in your relationship, but it exists in many relationships; I have seen it in a few of my own. Person 1 does something that damages relationship, person 2 calls them on it. Person 1 promises to change. Person 1 changes or a little bit. Person 1 falls back into old habits. Person 2 calls them on it. Person 1 promises to change. Person 1 changes or a little bit. Person 1 falls back into old habits. Person 2 calls them on it. Person 1 promises to change. Person 1 changes or a little bit. Person 1 falls back into old habits. Person 2 calls them on it... you get the drift. This is what is happeneing and he finally realized that you won't change. He is walking away and he isn't coming back. He is being polite to you because he knows you're trying, but he isn't going to get back with you.

You're broken. Accept this. You can fix yourself, but until you're in a healthy place in your world and your life don't get into a relationship. I wouldn't get into a relationship with him regardless because he's comfortable and you will backslide.

This is a learning situation. This is the mirror that you need to stare into to see who you are. Get help and be honest. You can't get better unless you are honest and truthful. Lying or hiding what has come before will hinder any progress you make. Take the medication. Take the help. Do the homework.

[Nikki577313]

Hi!

I have opinions on a great many things.

What I read above and the resulting posts the answer here is simple. You've proverbially screwed the proverbially pooch. A artist I really like wrote a song that said, "If your kisses can't keep him, why would your tears won't bring him back." He was a saint for staying around as long as he did. I believe you need to look at this from his angle to understand why he left for good.

You're abusive and high maintenance. You've got unresolved issues that make a relationship with you difficult and you don't want to change all those issues. The typical cycle of this, and you've seen it in your relationship, but it exists in many relationships; I have seen it in a few of my own. Person 1 does something that damages relationship, person 2 calls them on it. Person 1 promises to change. Person 1 changes or a little bit. Person 1 falls back into old habits. Person 2 calls them on it. Person 1 promises to change. Person 1 changes or a little bit. Person 1 falls back into old habits. Person 2 calls them on it. Person 1 promises to change. Person 1 changes or a little bit. Person 1 falls back into old habits. Person 2 calls them on it... you get the drift. This is what is happeneing and he finally realized that you won't change. He is walking away and he isn't coming back. He is being polite to you because he knows you're trying, but he isn't going to get back with you.

You're broken. Accept this. You can fix yourself, but until you're in a healthy place in your world and your life don't get into a relationship. I wouldn't get into a relationship with him regardless because he's comfortable and you will backslide.

This is a learning situation. This is the mirror that you need to stare into to see who you are. Get help and be honest. You can't get better unless you are honest and truthful. Lying or hiding what has come before will hinder any progress you make. Take the medication. Take the help. Do the homework.

Well basically I decided to let him go. A work colleague told me he's been flirting with her literally a few days after we split, so I just accepted he's gone and not coming back. I told him that I know about him and this girl and that I accept it is over.
But why is he trying to talk to me now? I am trying to keep myself busy, I don't want to sit home alone and dwell on everything, so I've been going out with friends, always try to look happy when I'm at work so he didn't see how upset I am, basically trying to fake-it-till-I-make-it... I am even going out for a drink with someone tonight to take my mind off everything. He somehow found out about this and now he has been messaging me like crazy asking to meet and talk, that he isn't interested in anyone else and that I've got this all wrong.. And that he cannot believe that I can just move on "so simply " But why care? If he's really done with me, what is happeneing now?

[DoulaLC]

Interesting turn around... yet again, from what you shared happened when you met to talk yesterday. It appears neither one of you is emotionally ready to be in a serious relationship at this time. An awful lot of back and forth.

Again, spend time with friends or family, and focus on yourself.

IF he contacts you again, or if you can't seem to let it go, remind yourself and him, what your intentions are.

[talaniman]

If you read other posts here you will find that when you get dumped stop all contact with the ex. Saves a lot of emotional confusion, and allows you to get your own head on straight.