[bakah]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post or not, but Im trying anyway. So I had cancer and I will bring up things that happened in the hospital or they'll be talking about scars and I'll joke about how mines the biggest or jokingly say something about how I was addicted to drugs(legally). And sometimes I'll be completely serious and bring up a story of something I thought was interesting that happened in the hospital and it just goes quiet. Mostly the guys look uncomfortable but I can't just stop hanging out with people because it's uncomfortable and cancer is a part of me and my past so I don't want to stop talking about it. I have no clue what to do. I think it would make them even more uncomfortable if I brought it up and they would deny feeling uncomfortable. If anyone has had cancer or had a friend with cancer or just has an idea, please help me out.

[J_9]

I had breast cancer, so I understand where you are coming from.

With that said though, it seems like you are trying to milk attention out of your friends. i.e. your scars are bigger, you were addicted to drugs, etc. No one likes a braggart. So, stop bragging, stop trying to maximize your past over theirs. They will never understand what you went through, but what they went through was traumatic enough for them. Learn to empathize rather than maximize.

[CravenMorhead]

It is uncomfortable because you're joking about death and making everyone aware of their own mortality. IT is hard to know if it is you being funny, sarcastic, or morbid, and it makes them feel uncomfortable. It might also seem like that's ALL you're talking about. It is something that you have gone through, but so is school, job, marriage, etc. It sounds like you're defining yourself not as you but as your disease; even if you beat it.

Maybe just hold back on it a bit.

[joypulv]

It sounds like you NEED to talk. This would be ideal for a group, where people go to talk about all the things their friends and families are uncomfortable with.
It's great that you can joke. My dad joked about his cancer a lot, but only if someone else brought it up first.
I think that's key when you are with friends - don't bring it up first.

[Jake2008]

I agree with all that has been said so far.

To bring up anything of a personal nature, such as you have experienced yourself, that is a very serious, life-changing event- is not conversation that others will be comfortable with, or want to engage in. I agree that perhaps the need to talk about what you have been through, is clouding your judgment in how others would react to you sharing this information.

Unless, like joy said, they are asking first.

I think it would be the same about any life changing event- a stroke, heart attack, any serious surgery etc. It is best to contribute without the details of your own struggles and experiences, unless those around you ask you about it, and then have a conversation with you about it, by choice.

[bakah]

I posted a question saying: "I'm not sure if this is the right place to post or not, but I'm trying anyway. So I had cancer and I will bring up things that happened in the hospital or they'll be talking about scars and I'll joke about how mines the biggest or jokingly say something about how I was addicted to drugs(legally). And sometimes I'll be completely serious and bring up a story of something I thought was interesting that happened in the hospital and it just goes quiet. Mostly the guys look uncomfortable but I can't just stop hanging out with people because it's uncomfortable and cancer is a part of me and my past so I don't want to stop talking about it. I have no clue what to do. I think it would make them even more uncomfortable if I brought it up and they would deny feeling uncomfortable. If anyone has had cancer or had a friend with cancer or just has an idea, please help me out." I think everyone who read this misunderstood me completely and the responses I got weren't helpful to my situation. I'm not trying to upstage anybody else's past. I'm very empathetic towards everyone(even more so since having cancer). I am also 15 years old so these people are teenagers. When I joked about my scars, it's when the guys were also jokingly trying to upstage each others scars. When I said stories from the hospital, I meant I would say something like, "That reminds me of something a girl I met during treatment said" and tell them what she said. I don't talk about the pain I went through to people who can't handle it. I write my experiences and talk to my mom or a counselor when I need to, so thank you, but I don't need to talk to someone. Now is there anybody who can help me?

[Wondergirl]

I write stories about my cancer surgery and the medical staff and patients I encountered. I turned one situation into a horror story. During my stay in a health-care rehab facility, I took daily notes on meds, food, medical staff, roommates, the Spanish-speaking housekeeping staff, the director and HR guy who sauntered into my room now and then, the weather, the temp in the rooms (usually 85 and above), the therapy staff, and other mundane details of life. Maybe I'll write a book....a fantasy or scifi novel, using my notes as food for the various scenes in my book.

People are ill at ease when talking about illness and surgery and cancer and scars. They don't know if it's respectful to laugh with you. Maybe they think it's bad luck to laugh or maybe they've had their own negatve experiences with family members. Tone it down. Write about it instead.

[tickle]

You received a lot of feedback from us. You are not using the site properly.

Why would you joke about your cancer ?

[joypulv]

TICKLE?? I mentioned above that my dad joked about his cancer. Why do people do that? Seems pretty obvious to me - it deflects fear. And if done right, it puts others at ease. IF done right.

[Cat1864]

I posted a question saying: "I'm not sure if this is the right place to post or not, but I'm trying anyway. So I had cancer and I will bring up things that happened in the hospital or they'll be talking about scars and I'll joke about how mines the biggest or jokingly say something about how I was addicted to drugs(legally). And sometimes I'll be completely serious and bring up a story of something I thought was interesting that happened in the hospital and it just goes quiet. Mostly the guys look uncomfortable but I can't just stop hanging out with people because it's uncomfortable and cancer is a part of me and my past so I don't want to stop talking about it. I have no clue what to do. I think it would make them even more uncomfortable if I brought it up and they would deny feeling uncomfortable. If anyone has had cancer or had a friend with cancer or just has an idea, please help me out." I think everyone who read this misunderstood me completely and the responses I got weren't helpful to my situation. I'm not trying to upstage anybody else's past. I'm very empathetic towards everyone(even more so since having cancer). I am also 15 years old so these people are teenagers. When I joked about my scars, it's when the guys were also jokingly trying to upstage each others scars. When I said stories from the hospital, I meant I would say something like, "That reminds me of something a girl I met during treatment said" and tell them what she said. I don't talk about the pain I went through to people who can't handle it. I write my experiences and talk to my mom or a counselor when I need to, so thank you, but I don't need to talk to someone. Now is there anybody who can help me?

So you weren't trying to win the 'battle of the scars'? Be honest with yourself about joining in their game.

Something to think about is that they may be picking up on the pain and hurt that you may not realize is coming through. You may think you are joking but they may be looking beyond the laughter. It makes people feel uncomfortable and unsure of how to respond. Adding to the discomfort is a push by some in society to not laugh at another person's "pain" or misfortune even if they are laughing and making jokes.

Jokes and laughter are great medicine. But they tend to fall flat if the timing isn't right. The same goes for personal stories. When you talk about and quote people they don't know it makes it harder for them to relate. You may need to save those stories for the friends who do relate or are more comfortable. You cannot force everyone around you to have the same view point you do. I am sure they have other topics you aren't fully comfortable talking about. That is okay. You learn which friends are okay with the joking and which aren't and when they are more receptive to listening. It is part of learning to communicate with others.

Joy, two threads were merged. tick's answer was from the second thread.

Which reminds me, bakah, no need to start a new thread to make clarifications. Just post on this one. Okay?

[Fr_Chuck]

I learned a long time ago, with my friends, I do not talk much about some thinngs, in my case it is war, terrorism, my abortion issues and my opinion on gay rights. Those all seem to end a conversation or distance some of my "less close friends". Learning when and where some conversation is proper is part of life.

After the first time, I would have thought you would learn when some things need to stay private.

[talaniman]

There are some people you can share some things with, and some you cannot. Think before you act or speak...or share your experiences. With teens it's not hard to be uncomfortable or awkward. Sometimes it can't be helped, and you don't have to be perfect.

Sometimes it's not you it's them, and you can never know what makes someone feel awkward or uncomfortable. Some will handle it better than others, and it's a thing you learn as you go like any other teen ager.

It's not easy in a group of teens. Be yourself.

[0rphan]

The minute anyone mentions the C word everyone gets nervous.So many people have lost their lives to cancer,if you survive then you are one of the lucky ones however there is much sadness surrounding this dreadful illness almost everyone will know or have lost somebody dear to them.

Definitely not something to joke about.