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    aaliya09's Avatar
    aaliya09 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    May 29, 2015, 05:32 PM
    I am feeling lonely and possessive on him!
    I need help to sort out my thinking. Me and my bf were together from last year and lives in different states, but often meet at least monthly once. We love each other very much and we fight that much too. He has a friend (let's name as P) from about 3yrs I think, that he could do anything for her and they feel very comfortable with each other and share everything. That is a gang of 6 friends including his ex gf and P(some of them r common friends to me).

    I used to see his phone too where he don't have any issues with that and I allow him to see my phone too and it doesn't mean like spying but I just want to know more about him because he won't open up easily and I don't bother and won't check messages with other girls, but used to see only his messages with ex gf because I don't know what happened between them and he doesn't want to discuss about past so he wont mind if I see though.. but suddenly he started to hide messages of his friend P, and started to change his phone and laptop passwords when I came back from vacation of 40 days.

    I asked him why he changed and deleted conversations with her and he told that she wants to maintain some privacy as she shares her personal things with him, that's why he had to delete. But who bothers about her messages here? I am the only one who touch his phone rarely but never even tried to see her messages. Then why he had to delete if she wants maintain her privacy? Then I fought with him about that and when we were in deep fighting, he called me with her name (P) :( I was shocked and felt very bad that he even remembering her in our conversations and even calling me with her name :( and this happened few times like calling with me with her name unknowingly!

    He went to her place to celebrate his birthday but not with me :( but whenever I start to fight about these he only say bottom line is he loves me more and I am very important to him. Well I may be important, but I am feeling not as important as P . Even after these many fights he's still talking to her and that's ok as i don't want to control him but its continuing that he is hiding her messages from me and he always mention about her in our conversations at least at some point saying that she said like this, this is important day for her and all. But he never remember what I said even yesterday, so I wanted to give it a trial to see if at least he can remember the important day that is our anniversary. I told him before couple of days of that day is precious to me, but he didnt even remember that and not even a wishing message that day. And he told me that, they wont even drag my topic, at least my name also wont come in between their conversations, and she don't know about our relationship (I can understand this, as his ex is also common good friend to P) but how could he not even talk simple things about me like at least how good friend I'm to him? But he always get her name in our conversations that he give good importance to her, and how much he trusts her.

    I am feeling lonely and feeling possessive now, but I don't want to control him to talk to his friends, but I'm just wondering how could he live with me if he is not even comfortable to talk to her when I'm around him, how could he see her in my face? How could he call me with her name? He also calls her dear, and also calls me dear. How could someone call two different people with same name? So I am thinking to break up with him completely, but I can't leave him. At least I want to be a good friend with him. Is that okay if your bf calls you with his friend's name unknowingly? Is that okay if your bf can't remember what you said but remembers others? I asked him many times what it is like this, but only thing he could say is, P is my friend and me as his love of life. Then how could he do this to me? Not even mentioning my name to her, calling me with her name?

    After seeing all these, I want to get away from his life as I don't want to control him with my feelings and fights! Am I thinking in correct way? Is my decision to breakup with him right? But I can say that he is not cheating and he is a good guy, but I don't know why all these happening and I tried to ask him and sort out these things, but he wont give any clear explanation and say only one thing that he loves me, thatz it! But that wont let me calm down with the questions I have! Then I just stop nagging him asking questions as I have a fear that he might get irritated or frustrated with fights. But what about my insecure feelings? But I will be always with him as a well wisher.
    odinn7's Avatar
    odinn7 Posts: 7,691, Reputation: 1547
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    #2

    May 29, 2015, 05:50 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by aaliya09 View Post
    We love each other very much and we fight that much too.
    People come here all the time and say things like this and it makes no sense to me. Why is it that you love each other so much yet you spend all your time fighting? That is not love.

    Quote Originally Posted by aaliya09 View Post
    So i am thinking to break up with him completely, but i cant leave him. Atleast i want to be a good frnd with him. Is that okay if your bf calls u with his frnd's name unknowingly? Is that okay if your bf cant remember wat u said but remebers others? I asked him many times wht it is like this, but only thing he could say is, P is my frnd and me as his love of life. Then how could he do this to me? Not even mentioning my name to her, calling me with her name? After seeing all these, i want to get away from his life as i dnt want to control him with my feelings and fights! Am i thinking in correct way? Is my decision to breakup with him right? But i can say that he is not cheating and he is a good guy
    So if you can't break up with him, what are you left with? To be honest here, it sounds like you view this relationship much differently than he does. You also say you know he's not cheating...so how do you know this? I don't know if he is or not but it certainly is suspicious behavior and I think cheating isn't out of the question and is a possibility.

    But anyway...essentially there isn't much that I think we can do for you. After reading everything, to me it sounds like you are convenient to him for some reason but that he isn't all that interested as his friend holds a higher importance than you do. But what can you do about this? You won't talk about it because you don't want him to get angry and you won't leave him so I guess you are stuck dealing with this and fighting with each other to prove how much in love you are.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #3

    May 29, 2015, 06:46 PM
    Me and my bf were together from last year and lives in different states, but often meet at least monthly once.
    I think your problem is that you cannot handle this long distance relationship. Few can. Distance makes for problems exactly like you have described.

    And he told me that, they wont even drag my topic, at least my name also wont come in between their conversations, and she don't know about our relationship (I can understand this, as his ex is also common good friend to P) but how could he not even talk simple things about me like at least how good friend I'm to him? But he always get her name in our conversations that he give good importance to her, and how much he trusts her.
    Thats disturbing that he keeps you a secret. That's crap. Yeah dump him. Who needs the aggravation and drama. Forget being friends. Who needs that drama either.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #4

    May 30, 2015, 12:16 AM
    Why are you apart, and when or if, is there any plans to not be far apart.
    *** and how far apart are you. How do you get together each month. Drive, bus, fly ?

    Some people, when apart may see someone else. It is common on long distant relationships since there is no daily contact, no actual dating, going out, movies, dinner and someone else is there for that.

    It is the distant, and perhaps if there is always fighting, he is not the right guy anyway

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