[ChelseaCutie]

Hey guys,

My boyfriend of 5 years quit his 8-4 job two years ago to pursue his dreams of owning his own business. Things were going great for the first year of business, but with the downturn in the economy, business has not been doing so great this year. He has a lot of bills to pay, and with little or no money now, he's really stressed out and has been depressed and distant lately. More so, we were planning on getting married this year, and that also has him really stressed out because he wants to be able to take care of me and make me happy. I recently took a car loan and I have bills and responsibilities of my own, so I really can't help him out financially right now - although I do at times when I can.

He is one of the most driven and ambitious persons I know and it's really making me sad to see him stressed like this.

How can I emotionally support him? Or, what can I do or say to make this situation better for him? It's also stressing me out.

[smoothy]

So... I have to ask.. if he is so driven and ambitious, why has he not gone out and gotten a job or two in order to pay his bills.

Most people that start their own business have a second job to pay the bills as a new business is rarely profitable in the first year or more. And it pays the bills if the business fails.

Also how did he structure this business... did he incorporate it to separate personal and business assets?

[ChelseaCutie]

He actually partnered with a business associate last year in a second business which is helping to pay some of his bills and generate funds to re-invest in his business, but of course, it takes time for any business to generate profit.

[Fr_Chuck]

With all investments, he must also pay his self, or not operate the business losing too much money. If he opened a business without capital, his issue

[talaniman]

The whole purpose of committed relationships is facing obstacles of life TOGETHER. If you cannot support him financially, then you do it emotionally. I doubt this is your first challenge since you have already been together for 5 years, nor will this be the last you will face either.

I am trying to figure out what his priority is though, as quitting his job to build a career at the expense of the commitment with YOU is a bit backwards to me, and leaves you out of the whole process in my view. One would hope a better cooperation for both your futures would be the goal, so you may have to deal with YOUR own stress better and hope he learns to deal with his own in a more mature way.

Business is a risk in any climate, and you need to recognize your influence in HIS decisions is severely LIMITED. That's the shame of this 5 year relationship, is that it depends on his success and NOT the collective collaboration of you both working together, to build together.

So sorry, all you can do is let him cry on your shoulder and pat his back, and don't make his stress YOURS... until he puts the relationship first above his ambition or dreams of running his own business. A couple always has a choice, to succeed TOGETHER, or apart. You can't succeed together, unless being together is the priority. That's NOT the case here.

Don't mean to be negative or harsh but if marriage is dependent on his success you can only hope for the best and plan for the worst since he doesn't ask for advice, just money when you have it right?

[ChelseaCutie]

Thanks for the opinion.

Thanks :|

[joypulv]

WHOA Nellie! I was just thinking that talaniman was spot on and said it very well.
I was going to offer some advice but heck, if you are going to react to his that way, I'm outta here.
PS: Adding thanks does nothing to mitigate your first sentence.
(PPS: What downturn? That was 2007-8, with steady recovery since.)

[ma0641]

Thanks for the opinion.

Thanks :|

Lets see ChelseaCutie: He's "stressed, depressed, distant and making me sad" and "you're stressed too". You come for help and now I have to ask, does he have the business acumen to be a successful operator? Chasing his dream is one thing and being realistic is another. Your comment to Talanaman will get you nowhere here.

[Jake2008]

What you might consider doing, is offering to postpone the wedding. Weddings are always expensive, or, offer to get married at the court house, and plan a celebration party reception when financial times are better.

Combining your assets would cut down on both your personal expenses. I am assuming you both maintain your own homes. One home is much easier to manage than two.

I don't know what you do for a living, but I suggest maybe a nightschool business course of some kind? Something that might give you skills to help out with his workplace a few evenings a week, or on the weekend.

I think a few alarm bells go off when, after five years, and a marriage coming up, that you don't know how to help him manage his stress levels. Why not suggest that he set aside one day a week, and the two of you do things that don't cost any, or very little money. Bike trails, parks, picnics, community events, watching movies, making a nice meal at home, etc. Anything appropriate that will take his head out of the office troubles, and instead into a place where he can relax and unwind.

We have all been in financial troubles at some time during our lives. They seem insurmountable. But, stress, like anything else can be managed, if the stressed out fiancé of yours is willing to at least try alternative things to do, to let it go for a while, in order to put it in perspective.

See what you can come up with.

[spicywings]

I agree with so many on here. talaniman, gave some REALLY shoot from the hip, POIGNANT insight that you really need understand... this is also a SIGN as to how he handles "SECURITY" (or lack thereof) for your relationship. You may need to think about that. I would also suggest like Jake that you put off the wedding for a bit... or postpone it for another year.

The thing about being an entrepreneur is this... IF you have a supporting spouse/SA (I do not), you don't let them carry the burden of your career choices. There's NO way I would be able to support my children/myself if I didn't have a nest-egg to start with. I would have NEVER left a solid job until my personal business started making enough money to sustain a similar lifestyle or more... MORE actually... because being an entrepreneur is more expensive than having a "corporate/office" job... Most of those office jobs come with benefits (medical, a set number of hours, a schedule paycheck, etc). I pay a ridiculous amount of money for insurance alone and there aren't any "Set hours" to speak of. I wonder how much of a nest egg he had saved before he took the leap.

Entreprnuers EVERYWHERE usually have a steady and a passion job. Why is he different? He doesn't have kids right? So having a steady job in addition to his own business is normal for most of us in the beginning.

I don't know... I've been an entrepreneur for almost 5 years consistently... at times, I had to go and get part-time jobs in ADDITION to working my "dream job" because.. well... the money wasn't coming in. Working for yourself is not for the faint of heart. There are ebbs and flows of income and perks/heart-aches. You also have to be smart and forecast your money/seasons. Winter is always hard on me... most folks are not interested in signing new IT contracts around that time... so I make sure I offset things and do side-jobs to deal with slow months. If your boyfriend/fiance has been just plodding away at this job and not making decent money in a year... I'd say... he wasn't a very good entrepreneur..? Maybe its time he buckle down and go back to what's stable until he and his partner can be strategic about their business model.

You two aren't married yet but you've known him for 5 years... you know what helps to relieve his stress, don't you? Then do those things... As far as what YOU can do... ehh, be there emotionally for him. Be smart about YOUR OWN future, as well. If this is a choice he is adamant about... you'll need to figure out how you deal ebbs and flows... as surely, they will arise/fall again. They always do when you work for yourself.

I wouldn't take on his bills. Make some home cooked meals for him. Play a supportive role for him emotionally and maybe spoil him with attention if he likes those sorts of things. If he likes to be active, suggest walks every Tuesday, start running, go the gym together if you have a membership. Help him CUT down on bills or expenses that are not mandatory. If he has his own place, clean it for him. ETC. ETC... But to pay his bills when HE has made the choice to travel this path? Ehh, I wouldn't. But that's me... Did he even discuss this "choice" of quitting his job and doing this full time with you? I would suspect he should seeing as how it would affect your livelihood in the future...

[DoulaLC]

He's learned one of the most important lessons when trying to get something up and going... have plenty of capital to carry you for an extended time, because very rarely does a new business take off, and sustain itself, in the beginning. He HAS to have money he can put his hands on to get over an extended slow time or the business will often be forced to fold. He really has little option at this point but to get back to a 9-5 job, or something similar. He can build up some funds and jump back in at a later time. DO NOT put your financial future at risk to try and salvage his business. That would be irresponsible and could set you up for financial hardship for years to come. Then both of you will have money issues and where would you be then?

Offer emotional support carefully... acknowledge his stress and disappointment, and offer encouragement for what he can do to move forward from here. He doesn't have to abandon his dream of a business, he just needs to rethink his approach. Many, many successful business owners fail a few times before they get it right and things fall into place. It takes sacrifice, planning, hard work, many hours, and luck.

Before you get married, consider financial counseling together. Money issues are one of the biggest causes of relational stress and breakups. You owe it to yourselves to do what you can to protect your relationship in all areas. If you decide to get married this year, keep it very low key... family and close friends, justice of the peace, reception at your home... something like that. There is no need to spend a great deal... it is the commitment that you make to each other that counts.