[ANG616]

My boyfriend died 3 weeks ago of a massive heart attack. He didn't show any signs of heart issues, but had a clot that burst. I feel like I am living in a bad dream. I miss him so much and don't know how to move on.

[joypulv]

Hello, ANG616. Welcome and I'm glad you are here. There is no possible way that you could even begin to think about moving on after a mere 3 weeks, and in fact it's not good to try. Grieving is for you, so immerse yourself in it. Don't listen to anyone who spouts out well meaning phrases like 'Time heals all wounds' or 'He had a good life.' Try to ignore them anyway. You are allowed to turn around and walk away or hang up the phone!

There are a few things you can do for yourself when others aren't around, although hopefully a few are coming over with food to hang out and help you with housework and dragging you around with them when they go places, but not making you interact. If they aren't doing that - ask them to! Just say 'Will you take me with you and let me be a lump in the corner, and not try to cheer me up?'

At home alone, talk to him. Joke with him. Say 'Now look what I did because I miss you so much; I put salt in my tea.' Make a spot on a table or shelf and put his picture and some silly little mementos around it. Light a candle too, and talk to him even more. Plant something just for his memory. Go outside and walk and talk too. Wear something of his! Turn some of this into little rituals to look forward to. Write it all down, your life together, if you can. If you can't, do what you can. It's for YOU, no one else.

And the biggest one of all - despite that all good people feel guilt when someone dear dies, tell yourself over and over that YOU could NOT have KNOWN that he had a heart condition!!! OK??? It's OK to say no no no, I should have known, but even if there were clues, it wasn't your JOB to drag him to a doctor, it was HIS, and you need to gradually talk yourself out of guilt. (What am I saying? I still have bouts of guilt. I'm still working on it.)

Grieving should be a pure process, when you get out of the grip of guilt. Let it wash over you. We all die, just some earlier than others. So grieve, grieve, grieve.

[smoothy]

At three weeks you are past the initial shock and reality is hitting... you will be grieving at this point and its going to take some time to get past it. You will eventually, If you are still grieving a year or more afterwards... then it might be time for grief counseling. But at only three weeks... its absolutely normal. As was mentioned... we all start dying as soon as we are born... some just get there sooner than others.

Many times there are no symptoms... it just happens. Some people could have been in intensive care visiting someone when it happens... and nothing could be done despite every effort being made.

[Wondergirl]

My heart goes out to you. My beloved father, a Lutheran pastor, was rarely ill (whereas my mom was), but he died of a massive heart attack between sentences. We kids and grandchildren put together a book full of our memories of him and included drawings and photos. We planted a tree in his memory. We often remember him and talk about him in our phone conversations and emails. Funniest thing, my mom (the sickly one) is still alive and just celebrated her 91st birthday. So we never know....

As a side note, my mom's doctor just found out she has pneumonia after fighting off a flu bug. Saturday we practically had her buried. Yesterday (Sunday), she sat up and asked for her favorite food from KFC. My brother brought it to the hospital, and she ate most of hers. She joked with staff and family, and was the life of the party. Like I said, we never know.

You'll go through stages of grief -- anger, denial, bargaining, depression, acceptance -- in all variations. Even once you have reached the acceptance stage, a photo or food smell can kick you back into anger or depression. The first year is the worst, going through birthdays and anniversaries of events. My dad died in 1994. My mom still finds herself grieving at times when a certain hymn is sung in church or when she thinks about baking applesauce cake (his favorite). That's when she turns the grief into something positive by talking with family or friends about about how she feels and baking the cake to share with grandchildren.

You have my deepest and warmest regards.

[joypulv]

Wondergirl, my mother was the healthy one, and my dad had serious problems since a young man, yet he outlived my mother and somehow got healthier as he aged.
That's a sad-sweet story about your mother, just yesterday!

I agree - you never know.

[geowoman]

Hello Ang616,
Just want to add a few words to those who have already written in answer to your question. Just a few words as "food for thought".
By all means feel however you have to feel. It will help you deal with it. and never be afraid to feel. Also I'd like to add, Don't worry about being a good example to others. Trying to be a tower of strength for others will not help you. Because grieving is a necessary emotional release. And releasing your feelings can relieve the pressure you are under. Not everyone expresses grief in the same way. And when a loved one dies suddenly, it has a bearing on the emotional reaction we display. But one thing is certain, repressing your feelings can be harmful both physically and emotionally. Talking can be a helpful release, especially with a close companion who will listen patiently and sympathetically. Putting our feelings into words often make them easier to understand and to deal with them. But if you are one who is not comfortable talking about your feeling, then perhaps you may be like many others who find it easier to express yourself in writing. Most of all, be patient with yourself and remember that tears are a natural part of grieving. Take it one day at a time!
So long for now, Truly Concerned, Geowoman