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hughes8888 · Apr 21, 2015, 11:02 PM

I have been dating a widow of 5 years for about three months now. She still has photos of the deceased all over the place including the refrigerator door, and not one conversation has occurred without her mentioning him at least once. She is quite open about their relationship including the bad things such as drug abuse. She also says she has intimacy issues and this far we have done nothing more than a hug and a quick peck on the lips. She frequently does not follow up on communication commitments and always has some sort of excuse. She befriends people with questionable character and has a bleeding heart that causes her to enable them. She defends her position that she should be able to spend as much time as she wants with other male friends and thinks that jealousy is petty without a concern for propriety. She is deeply committed to her church and is extremely modest and unwilling to tolerate sexual banter of any kind especially from men.
What should I do here? She says she loves me and I really do love her, but are these issues just red flags or genuine deal-breakers?

smoothy · Apr 22, 2015, 04:43 AM

It would be a deal breaker for me... but I'm not everyone. You have to think long and hard if YOU are willing to accept it.

Just remember this is who she is. Don't expect or think she is going to change.

joypulv · Apr 22, 2015, 04:52 AM

In one short paragraph, you have answered your own question. About 10 things that don't fit what would be good, in your book. No mix with what you do like about her.

And it's too late to tell us her good attributes now. Time to break it off.

talaniman · Apr 22, 2015, 05:22 AM

That's what dating is all about, learning things about a person. Only you can decide if what you learned is a red flag, or deal breaker. After 3 months though you seem to be in deeper than you should be. Maybe its time to back up to a safer emotional distance so you have a lot more room to be objective, and can decide if this is even worth more emotional investment, or if its not going where you want it to.

Do you have some kind of agreement between you about being exclusive? I sure hope not.

Jake2008 · Apr 22, 2015, 05:24 AM

Ask yourself what would she change, in order to have a serious relationship with you.

After three months, it seems pretty obvious, nothing.

It is rude to keep her husband front and center while you are dating her. He's in conversations, and he's seen everywhere in pictures. There is nothing you can develop as long as he remains very much alive in her life.

She has questionable friends, and is an enabler, as you say. I doubt she is willing to let them go either. That she goes to church regularly, only means she goes to church regularly. What has that got to do with stopping her from getting on with her life.

Perhaps there is comfort to her in thinking that she can move on, but clearly she cannot, thus the roadblocks, and excuses, that she is unwilling to remove and resolve.

So, her needs are met. Your needs are not. Next week will be the same as last week, and all the weeks will add up to a lot of time wasted on a relationship that will never be just you and her.

She may otherwise be a really nice woman with a lot of potential for a solid relationship, but as long as her husband is alive and well in her every waking thought, you haven't got a chance.

Homegirl 50 · Apr 22, 2015, 05:48 AM

She may be a nice person but this seems to be a waste of time. I would not let 3 months drag on to 6.
Have you discussed your concerns with her?
There are a lot of red flags here.

Oliver2011 · Apr 22, 2015, 09:34 AM

So she brought baggage, behaviors, and her own life rules to a potential relationship. You did as well. Now you both have to decide whether to proceed with the relationship. As a widower I wouldn't expect her to take down her pictures at this stage of your relationship based on the newness and lack of intimacy.

Homegirl 50 · Apr 22, 2015, 02:23 PM

She has been a widow 5 years and she has pictures everywhere, even the refrigerator and she talks about him all the time. That is not normal. It doesn't sound like someone who is ready to date.

hughes8888 · Apr 22, 2015, 03:20 PM

Are there any widows out there that can help me understand this particular widow? This is all so new to me!

smoothy · Apr 22, 2015, 03:34 PM

You have that many years left you want to waste them attempting the impossible?

tickle · Apr 22, 2015, 03:35 PM

Hughes. As a normal male, you are looking for intimacy in any form. She is not willing to provide it. It has been FIVE years !

Why do you need a 'widow' to provide you with feedback ?

You are not reading the RED FLAGS. I am not a widow and am divorced so what is the difference, it is still a LOSS for heavens sake !

Say goodbye, and move on. It will never change with her.

talaniman · Apr 22, 2015, 07:41 PM

It's not hard to figure out. She is obviously not ready, or willing to change her whole life to fit your ideas, widow or not. Who does that after just 3 months of just dating, love words or not. Who even expects someone to change for them after 3 months?

Be practical, you don't figure people out in so short a time, but you know enough to decide how you will deal with this widow, if you can. If you cannot then you move on. You fell kind of hard in 3 months didn't you?

hughes8888 · Apr 22, 2015, 10:58 PM

My girlfriend lives 4 hours away. Without asking me first, she planned a road trip with a single male neighbor to help him drive one of his two cars to a location not far from me. She didn't plan to visit me while in the area because she didn't want to inconvenience the neighbor with the extra stop as he drove her back to her house. She has never been to my house but has been invited and said she wanted to. I feel a little hurt and feel this was impropriety. Am I wrong? Am I too sensitive or should I give her the benefit of the doubt? I've only met him once but he seemed trustworthy.

talaniman · Apr 23, 2015, 03:37 AM

Benefit of what doubt? A favor to a neighbor? You seem to be having quite a problem with your long distance widowed girlfriend. So far she has defined the relationship strictly on her terms, and you have grudgingly gone along with it. WHY?

This road trip is innocent enough, but add all the other little things you expect and don't get from her, it's not much of a relationship, and can't be much fun at all. Not to be harsh, but you do seem to be so desperate to have a girlfriend you put up with anything.

Instead of trying to change her, change your relationship status from frustrated part time boyfriend to just friend. Date and have fun my friend with someone without the baggage who is a lot more compatible and maybe closer.

At least someone you can communicate a whole lot better with. NO communication, NO relationship. She must be really cute! Cute ain't enough.

Oliver2011 · Apr 23, 2015, 05:14 AM

Based on what you wrote you seem to be on the needy side.

How do you define "girlfriend"? Maybe you and her are not on the same page in defining this relationship or whatever it is.

Again from what you wrote this girl doesn't seem to stand a chance. Your negative attributes list seems to grow with every move she makes or word she utters. Maybe it's time to take a step back and really think about if this is what you really want. Does she know about this list you are keeping? I got to tell you I'd give you your walking papers if you made me feel I could do no right by you. It makes me wonder what her list on you is.

Jake2008 · Apr 23, 2015, 06:27 AM

What do you think a serious relationship is?

What it is, is two people, exclusive to each other, building a foundation for something long lasting. It is a mutual decision, because one party cannot build anything, without the other party equally contributing.

So, you have no relationship with her, for all the reasons already stated.

Have you not asked her about a relationship? I would advise you to ask, because you don't seem to get the obvious- her husband is everywhere, and alive and well in her world. A relationship does not include 3 people if it is serious.

You have choices here. Carry on as you have. Have a serious discussion as to whether there is going to be a relationship, exclusive with only you, and give HER two weeks to give you answers.

Should she not change and offer anything in return, then it's pretty obvious.

You will probably need to move on. I'd bet on that one.

NCTOFL · May 13, 2015, 06:52 PM

How old are you? Im hoping you are young and naïve, move on you are setting yourself up for a big letdown!
If over 25 Read your post as if someone else wrote it. What advice would you give?

spicywings · May 13, 2015, 07:00 PM

Tough... Quite honestly, it doesn't sound like she's ready for a relationship. How old is she/are you?

Wait a minute... just read your additional statement... "without asking you"... why does she need your permission? You called her your girlfriend but she's never been to you house and you're 4 hours away... Ummm... I'm confused.