[praaji]

I have been posting regarding fights and issues with my wife (fiance before) for some time now. They started verbal and ended up badly physical. I never started hitting but after a point I have hit back too at times. Not at all proud of it.
Its only recently that I started talking to her about her change in behaviour from calm and composed till last year to easily irritable and frustrated all the time now.
And through time she opened up and told me she has been hearing voices for some time but was scared to ever tell me as I would leave her. She never told me this upfront till I brought it up as in one fight she suddenly went quiet and looked really scared and then said 'they are telling me to kill myself'. I didn't understand this then several months back. And we never spoke of this. And all was OK.(atleast for a week and we would have fights and calm down).
But whenever the fights reach a certain level she would kind of go 'crazy' and say she wants to die. Last month I was away from her on a trip back home and we had fought and she called me scared and crying that 'they are telling her to finish herself' and she doesn't remember how exactly but she has a knife in her hand pointed at herself. I somehow talked her out of it and calmed her and asked her to speak to me about it but she said she doesn't wish to.
Again a week later we fought and it went very bad again and she then said she even sees them and in the middle of the fight went blank and quiet. Just tapping her fingers lightly on her leg like keeping a fast rhythm but very gently and said she wants to sleep but please don't tell them. And I just held her. After about 20minutes she came out of it and started shouting again saying that I just want to fight and blah blah (basically went back to where it was 20minutes ago). I told her I have been with her but she didn't want to listen and said I'm trying to make her seem mad. The next day I asked her if she wanted to speak of it again she refused.
Last night, we had a huge fight again and I ended up leaving and walking to the park nearby. She followed and as usual it went up loud there too. Then because of a heated exchange where I said I hate her she went and sat in the middle of the road so as to commit suicide. I pulled her aside once but again she went on.
I didn't know what to do so I called up her mum and this agitated her a lot more and she came back to the park and it got very voilently physical and I had to pin her to the ground but since she kept trying to kick I ended up punching her in her left temple to get my phone out of her hand and talk to her mum.
A passerby stopped his car and she started shouting for help to him and said she doesn't know who I am and I punched her with a ring on my finger but I didn't even have a ring on my hand, he said he would call the cops and I was just standing aside as I didn't know what to say. She then told him not to call the cops and he told me off for hitting a lady. So I had to tell him I have bite marks and nail marks all over me and I had to do this to stop her as I didn't know any other way. He still told me off and left.
Later her mum came and calmed things a bit and when I said I wanted to leave for good she hugged me and started crying again.
She then said that she can hear a 3rd person today and usually its 2 why is this 3rd guy added now. And then said that after I punched her head and pinned her down and that guy came she saw me but actually didn't know who I was or what our relation was, just knew the fights and hitting but actually blanked about me. Later she calmed and looked at me and recognised me so stopped that guy from calling the cops.
She then came back home with me. And finally we spoke. She said she had been hearing voices for about 8 months since, approximately the time since we started fighting bad and she felt she was suffering from depression. But the visual hallucinations only started about few months back. And she was scared to tell me as she felt I'd think she is possessed or mad and leave her. She also said she would ask me to leave constantly as she doesn't want me to go through this as she knew she was suffering this and putting me through this. She said she hears the voices all day nowadays in the background but cant figure out what they say but if she starts getting sad or stressed the voices start telling her to do mean things like harm herself or others. And if she doesn't it gets louder and louder and as the fight gets worse she can even see 2 silhouettes(both male).
I have been reading up about schizophrenia and psychotic depression and plan to take her to the doctors tomorrow, but she usually ends up refusing on the day even after we plan to go.
We went some months back when I had hit her head accidentally in a fight and it was hurting really bad(she has a very very high pain tolerance and couldn't bear this pain). The doctors just asked a few questions and without any MRI sent us home. I really feel that the hits on the head have caused some damage. Come to think of it now, The changes in her behaviour started after we had a fight once and I wasn't talking to her for some days and out of the stress of that she fainted at her workplace and hit her head. I don't know if its connected. But after that many times in fights her head or mine has been hit as slaps or she would hit her own head out of frustration. I really hope it can be cured and I want to be there for her.
Please tell me what I can do in this situation. Any help will be appreciated.
PS. I am not leaving her.

[joypulv]

Hearing voices is serious; visually hallucinating is more so. She needs to be hospitalized and medicated. I really hope you have some understanding doctors where you live.
That's just to get past the suicidal gestures like sitting in the road. After that, months or even years of therapy.

You dropped a little clue (aside from hitting her!) that worries me - you go home to your family. Why? Even if it's business, why don't you take her along? She's your WIFE!
None of us can possibly tell you whether she has some deep seated psychosis rooted in her childhood, or inherited/organic, or arising out of your marriage relationship and her fears of being left.

I'm not too thrilled with your lack of understanding, feeling, compassion, despite saying you won't leave her.
AND HITTING HER! You don't 'accidentally' hit someone on the head!

Unless she has a brain tumor, which you do need to rule out as part of a psychiatric evaluation, consider this to be the most usual - a 'situational' psychosis.

You can commit her because she wants to actively take her life.

[Jake2008]

Is there any history of mental health issues that her mother can tell you about?

Untreated depression, with auditory hallucinations is a recipe for disaster as you are finding out.

My advice to you is to prepare, or copy your post here, and whether she goes to see the doctor or not, you go, and present him with what you have detailed here. It will give him some idea that she needs immediate help, particularly in light of the suicide threats, and attempts. That she had a plan, and means, to carry out a suicide (knife, traffic), you are in no way able, or knowledgeable enough to make this situation with her better, nor can your 'help' cure her.

It is sort of like arguing with a drunk. A waste of time because they are not capable of understanding or verbalizing their own behavior, nor capable of even remembering it, or choosing to remember it. She needs help, and the best thing for both of you, is to see to it that she gets the help.

In the meanwhile, consider your own safety, and your own peace of mind. If she is hearing voices telling her to hurt/kill herself, she is quite capable of hurting/killing you as well. You already stepped out into traffic to save her once- you may not be so lucky the next time.

This is not a situation you can handle without expert advice, and a plan of care for your wife.

Should she refuse help, after you have tried your best to provide it for her, through starting with her family doctor, you will not find yourself in a changed relationship, because she is making a choice, not to get help. After the doctor sends her hopefully for a complete assessment, she will be required to participate in her own care. If she doesn't do that-you have a big decision to make.

[praaji]

Hearing voices is serious; visually hallucinating is more so. She needs to be hospitalized and medicated. I really hope you have some understanding doctors where you live.
That's just to get past the suicidal gestures like sitting in the road. After that, months or even years of therapy.

You dropped a little clue (aside from hitting her!) that worries me - you go home to your family. Why? Even if it's business, why don't you take her along? She's your WIFE!
None of us can possibly tell you whether she has some deep seated psychosis rooted in her childhood, or inherited/organic, or arising out of your marriage relationship and her fears of being left.

I'm not too thrilled with your lack of understanding, feeling, compassion, despite saying you won't leave her.
AND HITTING HER! You don't 'accidentally' hit someone on the head!

Unless she has a brain tumor, which you do need to rule out as part of a psychiatric evaluation, consider this to be the most usual - a 'situational' psychosis.

You can commit her because she wants to actively take her life.

I had to go away and wished she came but her work leave got approved just a bit later than mine and I had no option but leave.
This morning I wanted to take her to the doctor. Kept pleading her. But she said she didn't want to and because she had to say it thrice while I pleaded it lead to another huge fight and this time she took a knife and placed it on her stomach first and then on her neck.
She asked me to keep my distance or would stab herself and took the car and went but luckily she stopped near the end of the driveway so I could get in and had to calm her down . She was even getting frustrated that I would tell her to move the knife away from her or give it to me so I had to just go on with I love you and those kind of things and then talk about making lunch for her and then she slowly calmed down and handed me the knife.

It is stressing me as I don't know what suddenly can trigger her off. Sometimes its topics that have not angered her before but randomly some days it can start something. I know she needs a doctor and I will take her soon , but I just need suggestions as to what I can do to be there for her.

She claims I am the one who makes her this sad and makes her suicidal and its all my fault that she is like this as I don't show her love and even when she is going angry and crazy I should still be calm and kind and then she can calm down too. I do try this but many times it is very tough when I'm being hit and pinched and told how horrible I am for making her into this and I flip. I am trying but any other help will be appreciated. Thank you.

[praaji]

As a child she has had a stressful childhood too. I recently found out. Her parents would make her babysit her younger daughters when she herself was just 5-6years old and beat her if something went wrong while they were under her watch. And till date her father blames her for the nonsense her younger sisters do that she didn't lead by example so they are spoilt including the fact that she dated me(out of the religion) hence her sisters are dating guys out of the religion. It doesn't make sense to me or her as they all have very different personalities so blaming her for their actions and being nice to those girls mentally affects her.
He would tell her to go and find a cane or ruler to smack her and would say that if she didn't get it and he had to go get one he would hit her much harder so she had to go get her own weapon and has told me that it has psychologically affected her that she as to get the weapon that will give her pain to her father.

[talaniman]

I don't know where in the world you are but you should get your wife the best help you can because she needs it. Maybe she doesn't want to go, but then YOU have to call for help to make her go. Call for medical assistance, instead of trying to calm her down yourself.

[praaji]

I don't know where in the world you are but you should get your wife the best help you can because she needs it. Maybe she doesn't want to go, but then YOU have to call for help to make her go. Call for medical assistance, instead of trying to calm her down yourself.

She said that she will come to the doctor but I need to 'make her feel' like going. I don't know what she means by that . She says she doesn't even want to live as the one person she wants to live with doesn't seem to want to respect her if she says yes or no to something and hence if I start being kind and nice and loving to her no matter what then she will feel like curing herself too (she knows something is wrong inside her and keeps telling me to go find someone else so I don't have to deal with it which also implies she would then kill herself) . Last night she said if I ask politely we will go and I shouldn't ask her strictly like she is some school kid. This morning I ask politely and she refuses so I think its part of her wanting some attention so I just ask a few more times and she flips.

[talaniman]

Stop making excuses and assumptions that either of you can deal with whatever this problem is because the conflicts are disturbing and dangerous for you both whatever the reason behind it.

You either leave, or help yourselves by calling for EMERGENCY medical assistance. At least then you will have a trained person to guide you to a proper decision, especially since you have no clue what to do.

[joypulv]

"Polite" is a far cry from "kind and loving." She meant politely as opposed to yelling, not politely like it's a business contract.
Give her a long tender hug, tell her you love and care, and want to help her to not be miserable - without being patronizing.
DO YOU CARE, or should you just tell her that this marriage is over?

I'm still trying to figure out if you go home to family to escape her, or what.
You aren't doing her any favors by acting out of obligation.

As for your title question, is it curable - that's not the question to ask. Most mental illness (a lousy term) arises out of the SITUATION you are in, not something in the brain. And even if it arises out of brain chemistry, any 'cure' depends a LOT on the ongoing situation, life around you. E.g., drugs might stop the hallucinations, but not the feeling that she is in a loveless marriage that she feels intense grief over.

[praaji]

I am trying my best in my capacity here. I flip after a limit of being hit and told off constantly. And even then I calm down again and try and help and hug her and tell her I love her and will be with her and she calms down then. Many times even when I'm saying all this and hugging her she is still saying bad things back and I cant take it.
She tells me on her calm days to not get emotionally involved and just let her get her frustration out but I don't even know how that is possible with her telling me off how do I just listen and still be nice.

I am just deeply hurt over the fact that she didn't recognise me after hit on her head she says and actually called out to help to some stranger on the road . She had never done that. No matter what. We have never gotten other people involved in our fights even if it was the worst. As soon as another person told either of us off we would get in the way. But this time she actually involved someone because she didn't recognise me that time. It really hurts to know that she forgot who I was.

[joypulv]

I don't understand you at all. How could you possibly be hurt when she didn't recognize you? HURT? It's an alarming medical emergency (which you didn't even mention here til now)! Are you really this self centered?

I can't stand reading this any more. It's too painful.
I hope she gets help, with or without you.

[talaniman]

No wonder you have no clue how to help your wife. You don't even know how to help yourself, and you could use as much help as she does. Unless you can get beyond your own feelings you will never get beyond hers and do the right things for you both.

Come on guy, at least recognize what you are doing just doesn't work very well. You are in a situation you are NOT qualified to deal with. Get someone who is.

[J_9]

Wow. I've been following this thread and I can't believe how abusive this relationship is. In my country you both would be in jail.

While i don't agree with her hitting you, your wife is mentally ill. You have no right laying your hands on her.

When her behavior begins, rather than beating her up, you should be calling the police or an ambulance.

You can't fix her. Her problem is bigger than you are. She needs professional help not a beating upside the head. Get her professional help before one of you dies.