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    MWRyland's Avatar
    MWRyland Posts: 24, Reputation: 2
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    #1

    Jan 18, 2015, 10:18 AM
    Need a women's thoughts
    I've been married now for 27 years. I'm in my mid 40's but still have the sex drive of an 18 year old. The only problem is my wife does not. I do my best to be a good husband. I cook, clean, do the dishes, manage the finances, and since I'm a carpenter I build her anything she needs or wants. We have sex on average of 1 to 2 times a month. Whenever I bring up the subject of the frequency of our lovemaking it turns into an argument. I'm wanting too much. After our last argument I decided to let her bring up the topic. Needless to say the last time we had sex was the beginning of Dec. I'm very good in bed. She always has an orgasm and sometimes multiple. What am I to do? I'm still deeply in love with her but I feel I need to be happy as well.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #2

    Jan 18, 2015, 10:36 AM
    You need a woman's suggestions to get more sex from your wife? I am a guy, a bit older, and the first thing that comes to mind is how little info you have given, so let me ask you this...

    Does she work? Got kids? How old? Is she a perfect partner (like you said you are) outside the bedroom? Has she ever been sick or injured? How much sex did you get in your 30's? How much last year? You may still be 18, but I obviously she is not. No telling what's going on in your lives but knowing a little would be helpful. LOL, she may not fully know whats up herself!

    These are some important things to know and consider before the ladies come along and blast you for being selfish. I know you're not but that's not how you wrote it.
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    #3

    Jan 18, 2015, 10:54 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    You need a woman's suggestions to get more sex from your wife? I am a guy, a bit older, and the first thing that comes to mind is how little info you have given, so let me ask you this...

    Does she work? Got kids? How old? Is she a perfect partner (like you said you are) outside the bedroom? Has she ever been sick or injured? How much sex did you get in your 30's? How much last year? You may still be 18, but I obviously she is not. No telling what's going on in your lives but knowing a little would be helpful. LOL, she may not fully know whats up herself!

    These are some important things to know and consider before the ladies come along and blast you for being selfish. I know you're not but that's not how you wrote it.
    I know she's not 18 any more. We both work together doing home improvements. We have no kids and when we were in our 30's sex was 3 or so times a month. She's never been injured and we are both in good shape. I'm hoping that working together and being together 24/7 has nothing to do with it, though I feel it may. I don't know how wanting to make love to your wife would make a man look selfish, but I do understand in so circumstances. Outside the bedroom it seems like she care more about our pets then anything else. We have chickens,cats and a dog. I feel like sometimes if I had feathers or fur I'd get a little more attention.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #4

    Jan 18, 2015, 12:06 PM
    She sounds like she is more into affection and intimacy these days and it may be just a cycle that wanes and waxes, like a moon cycle. Is that all you guys do just work together and play with the pets? Togetherness is great and all but very little that makes one miss the other, or any way to avoid the rut of comfortable repetition. Do you guys date or have play activities regularly?

    Sorry for the questions guy but I do know females can get easily distracted from the physical with all kinds of girl thoughts, and like I said most don't even know their sex drive has gone down, or why. For healthy guys its frustrating and one helluva adjustment. You might be on to something with the fur and feathers though, but instead of asking for sex, ask her would it bother her if YOU self pleasured to porn, or a magazine? Have you ever discussed such subjects as porn?

    Helluva way to start a conversation, but beats begging her, and pissing her off. The way to a woman's body IS the mind, and you MUST explore this to understanding her. You may be surprised by what she isn't saying. The point is a meeting of the minds, because honestly I sense a breakdown of communications.

    Lack of sex is usually not enough attention in other areas of the relationship, so I have to ask questions. Hope you don't mind

    Why no kids?
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,591, Reputation: 2941
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    #5

    Jan 18, 2015, 02:02 PM
    OK - woman here.
    There do seem to be some little insights about her missing from your description. Other than her attention to her pets, I don't know how we would have a clue about HER. There's no 'answer' that applies to all women! I think you know that though.
    - When did she lose interest? Was it gradual or sudden?
    - Any signs of menopause? I hit it around 50, but of course that's just when my periods were 99% gone. There can be years of waning hormones, with no aha moment.
    - I personally did not consider the bed to be a foreplay playground. In fact I was happiest getting wooed anywhere but the bedroom. Affection out in public, in the kitchen, in front of the computer, driving the car...
    I avoided sex later because of pain all down my left side and leg, including inner thigh. Different situation from yours, I assume. Took me 30+ years to get it diagnosed correctly. Meanwhile I got dumped.
    I have a friend who didn't want sex with her husband and they went to couple counseling. They actually worked out a compromise, believe it or not. The therapist felt that couples should work out a sort of 'deal' for the sake of being together. Men often want more, women less. So if you want 10 times/mo and she would rather have none, you meet in the middle, as it were.


    One thing I forgot - I read a survey of night vs morning wish for sex. It's a wonder any of us have sex at all. Men and women, it seems, are very different about WHEN. Your job to figure it out for the 2 of you. No survey is ever 100% across the board.
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    MWRyland Posts: 24, Reputation: 2
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    #6

    Jan 20, 2015, 07:56 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    She sounds like she is more into affection and intimacy these days and it may be just a cycle that wanes and waxes, like a moon cycle. Is that all you guys do just work together and play with the pets? Togetherness is great and all but very little that makes one miss the other, or any way to avoid the rut of comfortable repetition. Do you guys date or have play activities regularly?

    Sorry for the questions guy but I do know females can get easily distracted from the physical with all kinds of girl thoughts, and like I said most don't even know their sex drive has gone down, or why. For healthy guys its frustrating and one helluva adjustment. You might be on to something with the fur and feathers though, but instead of asking for sex, ask her would it bother her if YOU self pleasured to porn, or a magazine? Have you ever discussed such subjects as porn?

    Helluva way to start a conversation, but beats begging her, and pissing her off. The way to a woman's body IS the mind, and you MUST explore this to understanding her. You may be surprised by what she isn't saying. The point is a meeting of the minds, because honestly I sense a breakdown of communications.

    Lack of sex is usually not enough attention in other areas of the relationship, so I have to ask questions. Hope you don't mind

    Why no kids?
    We both agreed if kids didn't happen naturally then it wasn't meant to be. We are both OK with not having kids. I'm not into porn. I feel it is degrading to women. I did have playboy but my wife says she would prefer not to have that in the house. She says if I'm that horny I should be able to "take care of business" with out the use of anything. So I do. I'm always wanting to take a night here or there to go out and do something but she is very goal orientated and it always work, work, work. I try to tell her to take a day and the work will still be there tomorrow. I understand where she's coming from but what's the use of having things if you don't stop and enjoy them from time to time.
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    #7

    Jan 20, 2015, 08:13 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by joypulv View Post
    OK - woman here.
    There do seem to be some little insights about her missing from your description. Other than her attention to her pets, I don't know how we would have a clue about HER. There's no 'answer' that applies to all women! I think you know that though.
    - When did she lose interest? Was it gradual or sudden?
    - Any signs of menopause? I hit it around 50, but of course that's just when my periods were 99% gone. There can be years of waning hormones, with no aha moment.
    - I personally did not consider the bed to be a foreplay playground. In fact I was happiest getting wooed anywhere but the bedroom. Affection out in public, in the kitchen, in front of the computer, driving the car...
    I avoided sex later because of pain all down my left side and leg, including inner thigh. Different situation from yours, I assume. Took me 30+ years to get it diagnosed correctly. Meanwhile I got dumped.
    I have a friend who didn't want sex with her husband and they went to couple counseling. They actually worked out a compromise, believe it or not. The therapist felt that couples should work out a sort of 'deal' for the sake of being together. Men often want more, women less. So if you want 10 times/mo and she would rather have none, you meet in the middle, as it were.


    One thing I forgot - I read a survey of night vs morning wish for sex. It's a wonder any of us have sex at all. Men and women, it seems, are very different about WHEN. Your job to figure it out for the 2 of you. No survey is ever 100% across the board.
    She definatley not a morning person. I'm a romantic at heart. 90% of our sexual encounters start with a spa bath, glass of wine, and a foot massage. I know she works her butt off and this is one thing that totally relaxes her. The only thing we ever seem to argue about is the frequency of sex. When I suggested counseling she hit the roof. We tried to work out an arrangement (2x a month) but after 2 months that came to an end then it was back to once every 4-6 weeks. Sorry you got dumped. If you avoided sex due to pain and he left, he probably wasn't the right person anyway. In the mean time I'll just keep on keeping on. Thanks.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #8

    Jan 20, 2015, 08:33 AM
    She says if I'm that horny I should be able to "take care of business" without the use of anything. So I do.
    Regardless of your feelings on porn, or her feelings on mens magazines, being told how to take care of my business would be an area of conflict, and a big one... NO, a HUGE one in my house.

    I would tell you that YOU need something else besides your wife and work to distract you from your frustrations, but I hesitate because it would cause a conflict you may not be able to win or are prepared to engage in with your wife.

    Having kids naturally is really great, but not questioning why it hasn't happened should have been addressed YEARS ago, and just being honest here in my opinion your lack of sex is the least of your problems as its very OBVIOUS who the boss is in your house.

    Wonder what would happen if you took a day off without permission, or 3 days off to go fishing with the boys? You do have friends and outside activities don't you?

    I think your wife is uncompromising from what you write, and you have gone along with the program an awful long time. Doe she always call all the MAJOR shots in your house?

    Right track? Wrong track?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #9

    Jan 20, 2015, 08:40 AM
    Bottomline, she is happy, and YOU ain't. TELL her this. Then go fishing, friend, or NOT!
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    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #10

    Jan 20, 2015, 08:41 AM
    My situation is different than yours in a lot of ways. However, I'll give what insight I can.

    One thing that often gets overlooked for women in their 30s and 40s is depression--it doesn't look like being sad and down all the time, and it doesn't mean that you lay in bed doing nothing. Most of the signs of depression can look like other things. When I'm depressed, I get angry, frustrated easily, withdrawn... and lose my sex drive. I don't FEEL sexy about myself, regardless how often my husband tells me he loves me, loves my body, thinks I'm sexy. That's one thought.

    Another is this: Has your wife's body changed significantly in the last 10 years? Does she feel frumpy, frustrated with her body, upset that nothing fits or looks right anymore? Part of the thing with the media focusing on the "perfect" body is that when you don't have it, or can't find clothes that fit right, or lingerie even made in your size that isn't ridiculous... you feel so completely unattractive to YOURSELF that you can't get yourself in the mood, even when you want to.

    Finally, this: Has your wife had a thorough checkup in the last 10 years that mentions the change in libido? Hormones change as you age, and it may be something that simple.

    The biggest issue, though, is this: She doesn't understand how this is important to you. HER drive isn't there, so she doesn't get that YOURS still is, and that withholding sex is, in a way, withholding her love from you. It's hard for women to get to that mindset--we just don't see sex that way, and it makes us feel kind of like we're only wanted for sex when men harp on it over and over. There just isn't the same connection for us. I don't know how you start that conversation, or how you make her understand that it IS important--that even though you love her, you still need that connection and it's important that she understand that.

    A suggestion is to read a book together. I can't remember the title, but it's about the different love languages, and the ways we both show love and want love shown to us. Maybe if you read it together, you can get some insight into each other and how to connect that way again.
    MWRyland's Avatar
    MWRyland Posts: 24, Reputation: 2
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    #11

    Jan 20, 2015, 09:05 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    Regardless of your feelings on porn, or her feelings on mens magazines, being told how to take care of my business would be an area of conflict, and a big one... NO, a HUGE one in my house.

    I would tell you that YOU need something else besides your wife and work to distract you from your frustrations, but I hesitate because it would cause a conflict you may not be able to win or are prepared to engage in with your wife.

    Having kids naturally is really great, but not questioning why it hasn't happened should have been addressed YEARS ago, and just being honest here in my opinion your lack of sex is the least of your problems as its very OBVIOUS who the boss is in your house.

    Wonder what would happen if you took a day off without permission, or 3 days off to go fishing with the boys? You do have friends and outside activities don't you?

    I think your wife is uncompromising from what you write, and you have gone along with the program an awful long time. Doe she always call all the MAJOR shots in your house?

    Right track? Wrong track?
    We do discuss major shots. My main distraction (to get my mind off things) is to go to the basement and work out. As far as leaving for 3 days to go fishing, it'll never happen. When ever I get a call from my friend down the street(1/4 mile away) who needs help with something I get slammed with "you're not going to be long are you?" Then when I get back and I happen to be a little long then I estimated I'm greeted with an attitude and " what the hell took you so long?"At first I thought it was a trust issue but when I dig further I find out there was something around the property she wanted done and it usually has to do with doing some work on the chicken coops.
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #12

    Jan 20, 2015, 10:13 AM
    But she didn't articulate that BEFORE you left, did she? That seems controlling, and it seems like it's an excuse.

    No couple should be around each other, and not hanging out separately, ALL of the time. Even with kids, my husband and I make time for ourselves every couple weeks--he spends a Saturday evening with the guys playing games, and I go down to the pub with friends for trivia night. It's actually seldom that we hang out just the two of us, with no kids along, but we make time to be separate people so that we remain interesting people.

    I think the two of you might need counseling, but if she's shut that down, you might benefit from counseling yourself, even if it's just talking to your clergyperson once a week.
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    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #13

    Jan 20, 2015, 02:59 PM
    Would she go along with talking to your clergyman, as Synnen suggests or allow you to? Ask her.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,591, Reputation: 2941
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    #14

    Jan 20, 2015, 03:17 PM
    OK, let's clear up a major aspect of coupledom: your respective work days.
    She works her butt off, you say, but don't say at what or for how many hours, and if there is a commute, how long.
    You are a carpenter, but how many hours do you work each week, for customers?

    A see a glimmer of a clue in the complaint about the chicken coop. And you cook, clean, and do the dishes....
    If she's out working each day non stop, bringing in a regular paycheck, and you putter around the property waiting for occasional winter jobs, especially in winter, then that could be a turn off for many women. It IS for many women.
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    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #15

    Jan 20, 2015, 03:21 PM
    You sound like farmers to be honest..
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    MWRyland Posts: 24, Reputation: 2
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    #16

    Jan 21, 2015, 07:59 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by joypulv View Post
    OK, let's clear up a major aspect of coupledom: your respective work days.
    She works her butt off, you say, but don't say at what or for how many hours, and if there is a commute, how long.
    You are a carpenter, but how many hours do you work each week, for customers?

    A see a glimmer of a clue in the complaint about the chicken coop. And you cook, clean, and do the dishes....
    If she's out working each day non stop, bringing in a regular paycheck, and you putter around the property waiting for occasional winter jobs, especially in winter, then that could be a turn off for many women. It IS for many women.
    You have it totally wrong. We work together doing home improvements. Example: I'll do the major work and she'll do a lot of the finishing. I'll reframe and install drywall and she'll come behind and tape and spackle. We work on average during the winter 30-35 hrs. a week. We really aren't farmers but more of a hobby farm. The last thing I do is putter around waiting for work. If I did that we would lose our house. I hustle all the time to make sure we have work to keep things going. No work means no money means bills don't get paid and I'll never let that happen. Happened to me as a child when my mom and dad split. Came home from school to see all of our stuff sitting on the curb, and I swore from that point, even if I had to flip burgers, I would never let that happen again in my life time.

    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    You sound like farmers to be honest..
    Hobby farmer.
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    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #17

    Jan 21, 2015, 02:55 PM
    Married couple face many adjustments in many areas and I think you have reached a challenge in yours. The others have given some excellent suggestions and I can only add that you seriously need a cool, calm, and collected approach to communicate/express your own feeling openly, and honestly.

    Let me apologize for my "selfish"remark because I don't find that the case after you added more information. You are a good guy, and a hard worker, and dedicated to a fault, and deeply committed. This isn't about sex though guy, I think a failure to compromise, and be recognized for the good guy you are, and appreciated may be adding to your frustrations and growing resentments.

    I strongly suggest you give thought to getting your feelings out and standing firm against her blowback. You may not improve your sex life right away, but your dignity and self respect will empower you to deal with frustrations and resentments much better. Always think before you act or speak, and never speak or act in anger, but always be willing to say what you mean, and mean what you say, as in I'm going fishing next week and be back BLAH BLAH. Or get the chickens yourself.

    She won't like anything you do, and you haven't gotten sex anyway, but be diplomatic and make sure she KNOWS you ain't happy with being micromanaged and deserve better. In short, you better stand up for yourself, because as good a woman as I am sure she is, obviously she thinks she controls EVERYTHING!

    Even nice guys get enough of the BS.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
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    #18

    Jan 21, 2015, 05:33 PM
    You say that you do romantic things for your wife. What else do you do? Be honest with yourself. If your wife came here to post, what would she say? There are two sides to every story, and of course when it comes to your side, you're going to paint yourself in the better light. I'd really love to hear what she has to say about your relationship, because I feel that the solution to this is somewhere in the middle of your version and hers.
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    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #19

    Jan 21, 2015, 07:52 PM
    Couples have to talk, even if it takes a while to resolve whatever the issue is. Through talking, AND listening, they may even find and resolve the real issues.

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