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    praaji's Avatar
    praaji Posts: 27, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jan 6, 2015, 12:16 AM
    Wife's married male friend likes her and messages her even after asked to stop.
    Hello everyone.
    Finally All the fight issues between me and my wife are calming down and we have set some boundaries and ground rules and working on the respect with each other.
    This issue today that I am posting is not exactly regarding her as she hasn't done anything in it.
    OK so here goes. My wife knows this couple for many years now (more than 10-12 years) and that couple has 3 kids that she used to go often and babysit. And the kids like her a lot too.
    About 2 years back the guy started messaging her really weird stuff like he likes her and has even masturbated thinking of her and my wife was really disgusted and met his wife and told her about the husbands messages and they cut off contact.
    They would still call her to babysit as the kids would just want her so the wife made sure that the husband wasn't around or wasn't the one to come home first hence my wife never exactly had to see or meet the husband anymore. She would go. Babysit. Hand the kids over to the mother and leave.
    The husband then once met my wife and my mother in law at a public function and came and apologized for whatever he had messaged and said that he never actually did those things but was in a really low place in his life and just wanted a reaction out of someone and it wasn't about her as a person. He did that to few others too just to get a reaction and he was just in a bad place in life.
    I don't understand this as I do find it sick to even tell someone that they masturbated thinking of them but my wife seems to be All right with letting it go as she says she knows the guy and he never did any such thing ever before in so many years so she believes him when he said he didn't mean anything just did it for a reaction but I find even that bit sick . To try and get a reaction and say sick stuff.

    Anyway, Now 2 years later he has started texting her again. Some weeks back when we had fought and my wife cried a lot(eyes puffy,etc) and we had gone for one of those group prayers the next day and he was there. He text her in the evening asking if she was OK as she looked sad, etc etc.
    She didn't reply.
    Some weeks later again late night he messages her how she is doing and long time no see, etc.
    She didn't reply again but I was irritated that he is still messaging and my wife and me have an argument as she feels I am unnecessarily involving myself in this even though she hasn't done anything. She feels if she had some past with him or cheated on me then I can be pissed that he messages and I be uncomfortable. She feels she hasn't done anything and he still messages and she doesn't even reply so why do I get upset and ruin a good time I am having with her as even she doesn't want to see that guys messages and she feels the more I react to it the more she cant get over it for herself.
    She said she will message him and text him the next day saying - don't message me. And I asked her to call his wife and tell her and she told her as well to ask her husband to not message.
    Anyway, last night again post midnight he texted her and that pissed me off again. Not at her but at that guy. That even though she said not to message he is still going on and what is he trying to do. And my wife gets irritated at me for being pissed at that guy and says to stop giving that guy so much of my attention and ruin time between us (I usually just sit alone and do my own thing when pissed but she wants to either talk or watch a movie or something and if I'm not OK I just don't want to be around anyone). I keep telling her I am not pissed at her but she says that if I am not at her then why ruin time that I have with her. I don't understand this logic and then she gets irritated when I am away for too long. That I am making a small issue very big and letting it get between us and that nothing is worth getting between us especially some guy messaging her who she doesn't even bother replying and says she wouldn't have a problem if some girl sex messaged me and I didn't reply that way.

    I just don't understand why that guy is trying to start having contact with her again now even after she ha told him and his wife to ask him to stop.
    And I am irritated that my wife doesn't understand that it irritates me seeing his name on her phone. I don't snoop through her phone ever but I saw his name all times because we were playing something on the phone or watching a video and this pops up as a notification.

    I know it is a trust issue but I want to believe that he hasn't messaged other times and she hasn't replied and deleted it etc. But she does delete it every time he messages as she says she doesn't want it on her phone. And she doesn't delete his name because she doesn't want to reply asking the person whose number is it etc and have contact.

    I don't know how to explain to my wife that it does affect me to see some guys name on her phone who said he masturbated thinking of her(even though it is apparently a lie) and that once it has affected she cant tell me off for being distant to her. I cant fake being happy. If she has fought with her parents she comes to me also a bit irritated. She won't be all lovey dovey and make out and I understand that she has crap in her head. I don't get why she cant understand that this is crap in my head and that she saying that it Shouldn't affect me feels like I cant have my own emotions even and even that has to be controlled by what I can be affected by and what I cant according to her.

    Please help me see this situation a bit differently as I don't want to get irritated over and over by seeing some random guys name.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #2

    Jan 6, 2015, 07:42 AM
    When did you get married and why can't you control your own feelings, thoughts, actions, and mouth? Its always been this way hasn't it?

    Get out of your wife's business and let her handle it, in her time and her own way. She has told you this before, but you just don't listen do you?

    Forget your password or something?
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #3

    Jan 6, 2015, 08:01 AM
    This is YOUR issue. Your wife is handling this just fine.

    And her reasons for deleting the messages and not deleting his name sound like valid ones to me--I have the same situation on my phone where I don't want to talk to someone who texts me, but I need to know who it is in order to just delete it.

    You have jealousy issues that are YOUR issues.

    You should see a therapist for that.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,591, Reputation: 2941
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    #4

    Jan 6, 2015, 09:51 AM
    I'm going to show you a little sympathy, but not a whole lot. I think what you are going through is understandable, but that acting on your irritation with him is not excusable. In other words, your feelings are normal enough, but not your actions, so put a lid on them. You have let your feelings be known, now TRUST her to continue to handle this.
    I happen to think that she is handling this the right way anyway. Were she to tell him to stop yet again, or talk to his wife yet again, she could be fueling whatever his problem is. He may just want the attention. He may want two women arguing over him (or a stupid substitute). She seems to have a good sense of things. Be proud of her.
    praaji's Avatar
    praaji Posts: 27, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Jan 6, 2015, 09:33 PM
    Thanks so much for your replies. I just felt protective of her and didn't want some perv trying to think crap of her in his head and that was irritating me. I know I cant stop people's thinking and that there might be many oglers on streets too. But this guy made it known to her is what was sick.
    Anyway, I am trying to not talk about it and we are completely fine now . But I just don't know what to do if I see that guys name up on her phone again. I know I would be irritated and I know I don't want to fight with her so will keep quiet but she would know I'm not OK again and making it get in our way .

    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    When did you get married and why can't you control your own feelings, thoughts, actions, and mouth? Its always been this way hasn't it?

    Get out of your wife's business and let her handle it, in her time and her own way. She has told you this before, but you just don't listen do you?

    Forget your password or something?

    Hello thanks for your reply. Your replies always seem to help a lot and I really appreciate. I just feel over protective and hence cant take that another person views her as an object like people use porn. And the fact that he knows her personally and still does is sick.
    In this message I just didn't understand what you mean by the forget password bit?
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
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    #6

    Jan 7, 2015, 04:04 PM
    If I were her, I would simply block his number so that I wouldn't receive anymore messages from him.
    praaji's Avatar
    praaji Posts: 27, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Jan 11, 2015, 11:06 PM
    EXACTLY MY POINT .
    Thank you
    But she says she doesn't know how to do it. And I told her to look it online if she didn't know the first time itself and the second time it happened and I asked her why she hadn't blocked it she said she didn't remember with her work and all this was one of the least important things she would think of. Because she told him and his wife not to message so didn't bother she said. And I didn't want to do it for her as I want her to do it herself . But her not doing it makes me wonder why she isn't seeing it as being important to me rather than to her.


    Quote Originally Posted by DoulaLC View Post
    If I were her, I would simply block his number so that I wouldn't receive anymore messages from him.

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