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sazon · Apr 9, 2007, 09:03 AM

After 19 years not only did he have a affair he fathered child. I love him and he wants nothing more that me to let him back into my heart. My mind keeps me wondering if we are fooling ourselves thinking it can work... Help me, has it been done, I mean done for real... I do forgive him and love him but my mind is not letting it go...

Emland · Apr 9, 2007, 09:21 AM

The decision is yours. Do you love him enough to live through the hurt and betrayal. How long ago did this happen? Do you have any friends, family or clergy you can seek support and guidance from?

I am so sorry.

vlee · Apr 9, 2007, 09:56 AM

It can be made to work, but it is not an easy road. I suggest you:

1-Make it clear how much his betrayal has hurt you and your faith in him

2-Request time if you feel you need to think about this more before you re-commit yourself to him

3-Make your possible reconciliation dependent upon marriage counseling, and make him aware that you expect him to attend with you and cooperate fully until you BOTH feel you are standing on solid ground.

I can't tell you if you should try or not, that is up to you, but if you do I think you should let him know exactly what your expectations are, and be prepared to move on if he refuses to accept them.

NowWhat · Apr 9, 2007, 02:59 PM

Fathered a child? Wow, that is a tough one. You have to follow your heart. Can you deal with seeing the product of an affair?
This kind of betrayal is so hard to wrap your brain around, because - you never stopped being his wife. You never stopped loving him. And you probably wouldn't do something like that to him. So, it is hard to imagine it being done to you.
Once the shock wears off and you figure out what you want and where you want to be and if that is with your husband - then you have to, somehow, let the anger and hurt go. It does not happen overnight. And sometimes, you need a third parties help to get all of your feelings out.
Good luck.

ordinaryguy · Apr 10, 2007, 05:27 AM

I think it's worth trying to save your marriage, but vlee is right, don't underestimate the difficulty of the undertaking. More important, don't let HIM underestimate the difficulty. Counselling is a must, for several months at least. A good counsellor can help you plan a series of steps to rebuild trust and confidence in your love. It won't be easy, but it's worth trying. Even if it doesn't work, you'll know you tried.