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totohosta · Oct 25, 2014, 09:46 AM

Hi
Actually my problem is that 5 weeks ago, I got into relationship with a guy who works with me. After 1 week since we started to text each other, he started to flirt with me by saying he misses me and that he thinks about me all the time. He also told me how beautiful I'm. He started to text me a lot during the day. He used to text me as soon as he gets up to say good morning and before he sleeps to say good night.
The problem is that he never talked about any official relationship, so I brought it up one day and asked him what kind of relationship do we have. He said what do you want it to be. I said it's not about what I want, it's about what do you see it. I asked why are you talking to me a lot. Then he shocked me by saying as a friend. He told me that it's better for us to keep friends than to get into a serious relationship so the problems will begin. I didn't like that so I told him that I can't text him that much and get used to him if it might be over some day, so I prefer to break up rather than to keep friends while I started to have some feelings for him. He agreed but he tried to talk to me again but he insists to keep it friendship so I refused that because I'm afraid of falling in love while he wants to keep us friends.
What I understood from his actions that he doesn't want to commit, so should I follow what he wants or should I stay clear about what I really want and keep away from him?
Now we completely stopped texting each other and I'm really suffering of missing him.
What do you think is he doing while we are apart?

Homegirl 50 · Oct 25, 2014, 11:07 AM

He is probably enjoying his life. You didn't have a "relationship" he was flirting with you, you had a friendship. This what he told you. You tried to make this into something it wasn't. How soon after you started talking did you start asking him to label your relationship? That is a bit pushy.
Leave him alone and stop wanting to jump into a "relationship" with someone who is just flirting.

odinn7 · Oct 25, 2014, 11:22 AM

You wanted more than he was willing to offer so now what? You have to stay away before it becomes uncontrollable for you. It does sound like you jumped a little too soon. Is this the first guy that gave you attention? There will be others.

talaniman · Oct 25, 2014, 04:16 PM

Totally sucks to find out your romantic interest isn't shared by that interest, so leave him alone so YOU can accept, and get over this disappointment. In time you will.

joy2theworld · Oct 25, 2014, 05:15 PM

If he's not talking to you anymore and has stopped making an effort to talk to you, you should probably just move on. I know how you feel, you don't want to because you'd like to go somewhere with him. However that doesn't seem to be what he wants. I'm sure with time you'll meet someone new and this guy will be forgotten. Just give it time and distract yourself because unless he shows an effort, you shouldn't be waiting around for him

Alty · Oct 25, 2014, 05:48 PM

He wants you as a friend, you want more. You ask if you should break up. Break up how? There's no relationship, so it's not like you can break up with him, because he was never your boyfriend. If you want to cut him out as a friend, which is all he wanted to be, that's simple, delete him from Facebook, delete him from our phone, ignore any contact with him.

It's sad that instead of just being his friend, maybe letting things progress with him, and giving him time, you had to push him into labeling the relationship you had, and he wasn't ready. Now you can't handle being around him.

Frankly, if it were me, I'd keep him as a friend, and I'd act like a friend. I may still have feelings for him, but who knows what can happen? If you had done that, and given him time, he may have actually wanted to date you down the road. But now there's no hope of that, mainly because you can't handle just being his friend.

1bluesky · Oct 25, 2014, 06:11 PM

Hi
It is not a straight forward issue at all.
The guy is a player. He did mind games, which is not good. Particularly not because you are working for the same office!!

I see your point, BUT you cannot ask for anything he does not want to get into. He did play mind games by texting you too often, saying you are beautiful, etc... till he get your energy drawn to him. Then, he withdraw his energy, and now you suffer! He is a perfect mind player.

My advice to you is: keep away from him as far as you can. Both mentally and physically. He is evil. You can only pay, had it develop into anything more serious. Keep in mind: you work for the same office. "Do not shiiite where you eat" is an old saying.

Good luck.

Extra advice: find yourself a boyfriend asap. I am sure you can do that.

totohosta · Oct 26, 2014, 07:56 AM

Thank you all
For who said that I should had waited and kept it friendship. I did't try to jump, I was just afraid if he was a player because he talked to me a lot and flirted a lot and tried to make a conversation that doesn't belong to friends in any way, in addition, he gave me much much care during the whole days.
That's why I brought it up to see if he is player or serious.
Apparently, he is probably player as 1bluesky said.
I refused to keep it friendship because the way we contacted each other is not a friendship at all. So I didn't want to fall in love while he insisted to keep it friendship.
He tried to keep us in touch many times but I refused because I didn't want to be his toy. Now we are not in touch but he came to my office and smiled at me and tried to teas me a little. I'm totally ignoring him but It's getting hard to understand what he really wants.
Any other advice :(

talaniman · Oct 26, 2014, 08:34 AM

You followed your first mind and that's cool, so keep protecting yourself and trust your instincts and NOT just your heart.

Homegirl 50 · Oct 26, 2014, 10:30 AM

Continue to ignore him. His behavior seems very inappropriate to me. Tell him you're not interested and to leave you alone.

catonsville · Oct 26, 2014, 10:40 AM

Originally Posted by totohosta

Thank you all
For who said that I should had waited and kept it friendship. I did't try to jump, I was just afraid if he was a player because he talked to me a lot and flirted a lot and tried to make a conversation that doesn't belong to friends in any way, in addition, he gave me much much care during the whole days.
That's why I brought it up to see if he is player or serious.
Apparently, he is probably player as 1bluesky said.
I refused to keep it friendship because the way we contacted each other is not a friendship at all. So I didn't want to fall in love while he insisted to keep it friendship.
He tried to keep us in touch many times but I refused because I didn't want to be his toy. Now we are not in touch but he came to my office and smiled at me and tried to teas me a little. I'm totally ignoring him but It's getting hard to understand what he really wants.
Any other advice :(

I know it is hard but that is all the more reason you need to be strong. If he comes to your office again, tell him he is harassing you and will not put up with it and that is all you need to say. If he continues after you tell him, report him.

DoulaLC · Oct 26, 2014, 11:11 AM

Some women enjoy the attention and find the flirting just all in good fun. They will flirt right back, never expecting, or planning for it to be anything more. For other women, it may make them uncomfortable as it can feel as though some of the things said should only be between people who are more than just friends. He may be this way with many women; some men are natural flirts.

You can always let him know that you understand he is just being friendly and his remarks are just part of that, but that it makes you uncomfortable. If you don't mind being his friend, than let him know you would rather skip the flirty comments. Otherwise, pay him little attention and he will likely start to leave you alone.

Fr_Chuck · Oct 26, 2014, 10:45 PM

Why does there have to be a title. Why do you feel the need to set a rule or a stage for something.

At that point, he had chatted, it sounds like there was no dating yet, so there was really no relationship to define, Even friends were pushing it, (unless you were friends from before)

You establish relationships by answering his flirting and by dating, then after 2 or 3 months of dating, you may ask the question, of what type of relationship is this.