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    praaji's Avatar
    praaji Posts: 27, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Oct 23, 2014, 08:45 PM
    Wife's ex came and spoke to me and I feel sick inside as I never wanted to.
    Ok so finally after months and months of fighting and abuse we spoke about it on final time and my wife is calming down and we are not fighting like before anymore (no more abusing and hitting). We just discuss the situation or have our time off and then talk only when we are calm enough to discuss the situation.
    That's the good part.
    Now I had mentioned before that my wife is also a dancer. She has some group performances happening over the past 2 days and I have been there backstage with her. Her ex is in the volunteer group for the whole event and does the stage clean-up after artistes and running around work to see it stuff is going well.
    I have seeing him for a few days now since we have been going to the light and sound checks and he has seen me too (he is engaged to another girl now that he started seeing while he was still with my girlfriend about 3 years back and she only found out later so I consider him a douchebag for cheating)..

    My problem is. I never wanted to meet any girl's ex. Whether it is my wife or any girl I have dated before. I am just not comfortable with it. I don't want to meet another guy who has had a thing with my girl (even though in this case it was just kissing and not even 2nd base). I am just uncomfortable being around a person who has been close to my woman.

    We were standing outside her greenroom as there were other girls changing in there so she came out to spoke to me and I saw him walking up to us. My wife didn't see that and he came and just stood there. I completely looked away even though I knew who it was I wasn't making any eye contact.
    She hasn't spoken to this guy since almost the time they broke off and tells me to consider him a random person too as that's what he is to her so I shouldn't connect him to her anymore. But I just cant stop .
    Anyway, she didn't know who it was and just saw a figure there so looked and as soon as she looked he asked.. ' is it possible if he could.. ' and she cut him off as soon as he said that and said, he is right here, talk to him directly if you want to ask him something, so he looked at me and asked if I could help them in the volunteer work for pulling up the audience in one of the performances with few other guys . I was feeling so sick inside because I never wanted to talk to this person or know how he sounded, I wanted to refuse straight up but I was just polite and said what do I need to do and said I'll come and see and if I feel like it I'll do it and he left.
    I have been uneasy since then.
    I never wanted to have any contact with my partners ex. Later I found out he didn't come ask me by himself. He was on orders by a superior to ask me as I was just hanging out there and if I could just help them all with this one thing.

    I need help to get over this because I am feeling distant from my wife because of this incident. I feel its her fault that she asked me to come backstage and so I had to bump into this guy. I don't know how to get over it. Even in my dreams this was going on and I'm feeling more and more hateful towards my wife for stupid reasons. Stupid anger Like why date this guy or why call me to the place where he is or why ask me to be backstage with her and want me to be there with her . And I hate her for me having to bump into this guy.

    I have seen this guy often before at prayer houses and so on but this is just making me too sick inside that he had to speak to me. I honestly would have rather not gone for her performance or would rather be dead than this.
    Please help me.
    maldita26's Avatar
    maldita26 Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #2

    Oct 23, 2014, 09:19 PM
    You are so jealous.. I think your wife wants you to know that she is working with her ex , so its not causing you two to fight because she knew that you are so jealous.. just give all your trust to her and focus on what something you could give her and reminds her that its right to leave her ex and be with you..
    praaji's Avatar
    praaji Posts: 27, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Oct 23, 2014, 09:28 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by maldita26 View Post
    You are so jealous.. I think your wife wants you to know that she is working with her ex , so its not causing you two to fight because she knew that you are so jealous.. just give all your trust to her and focus on what something you could give her and reminds her that its right to leave her ex and be with you..

    I completely trust her and am not insecure about this even . Anyway, I knew her ex was part of the volunteer crew from even before she did as she would just go do her dance practises and cues and I would see him helping with the props and stage equipment and I was the one who told her about it. And then she asked me to not connect her to that guy anymore as its just another random person for her now. But I cant get over the fact that this guy has kissed my girl several times and had fun times together.
    I am just sick and really angry because I never wanted this to happen in my whole life. And I am hating her right now as I didn't want to be backstage yesterday because I didn't want to constantly see this guy but she kept asking me to come there and be with her before she went on stage.
    CravenMorhead's Avatar
    CravenMorhead Posts: 4,532, Reputation: 1065
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    #4

    Oct 24, 2014, 08:01 AM
    Wow. Um. The best thing I can say is get over it. This is your issue and you need to deal with it. You're not going to be able to avoid your wife's, or previous girl friend's, previous lovers completely unless you move countries. That is a stupid reason to move countries.

    What you need to realize is that you have a woman that is in love with you. Not him or any of her past lovers. All that doesn't matter and you're poisoning your current relatioship with this hate. There isn't anything you can do about her past or your past exes exes. So all you need to be comfortable with the fact that you're safe and secure in your relationship. Otherwise, like sand, it will disappear the harder you try to hold on.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,591, Reputation: 2941
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    #5

    Oct 24, 2014, 08:22 AM
    Are you telling us that you have never kissed another woman?

    Jealousy over the PAST of someone you love is POISON that will kill the relationship. You have it really bad. If you don't force yourself to curb your feelings, she will leave you (perhaps proving what you fear?) just because you are intolerable.

    Stay away from her job. Why aren't you at work? Don't you have a life of your own? Couples really do need separate lives to keep what they have when together exciting, new, interesting, happy. Spouses who lurk around the other spouse are doomed.

    IF you want to keep her, MAKE yourself get over this, even if you are just stifling the jealousy. All that hogwash about how you didn't want to meet him is childish, immature, and selfish. You think to highly of yourself. You are too important. You are the only man who ever should have been in her life. So go live in an area where marriages are still arranged to young girls who don't even get to look at men!
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #6

    Oct 24, 2014, 04:22 PM
    Harshness Warning.

    You are married and an adult so carry yourself that way and get used to doing things you never dreamed of, and stop crying when you have to buck up and deal with things you don't want too. Maybe you aren't ready for it all, but it's a bit late to cry about the reality you are in. At this time take it upon yourself to be responsible for what happens and deal with it.

    In short, stop blaming others for your discomforts at things you have never experienced. Yes I have read your other posts and maybe you have bitten off more than you can chew with this marriage/relationship thing, and since you are determined to stick with it, then deal with it. Nobody is making you stay and be sick, especially over such a dumb reason, so it behooves you at this time to grow up and deal with what life throws at you with more maturity and stick to itness, because you are there with this female by your own choice, so get over it.

    So let go of the dumb Mr. Sensitive role and deal with her, and your own emotions for once in your life, or remove yourself from the situation all together. YOUR CHOICE!

    If you are going to be a husband, then be a husband. If you can't handle it, walk away. Sorry for being so harsh guy, but I think you need a strong guy friend to straighten out your thinking a bit. Maybe you both do need some adult direction at this time. Why the hell are you even hanging around her practices like a ghost haunting the place? She doesn't hang around your job does she? UGH!!
    praaji's Avatar
    praaji Posts: 27, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Oct 24, 2014, 08:50 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    Harshness Warning.

    You are married and an adult so carry yourself that way and get used to doing things you never dreamed of, and stop crying when you have to buck up and deal with things you don't want too. Maybe you aren't ready for it all, but it's a bit late to cry about the reality you are in. At this time take it upon yourself to be responsible for what happens and deal with it.

    In short, stop blaming others for your discomforts at things you have never experienced. Yes I have read your other posts and maybe you have bitten off more than you can chew with this marriage/relationship thing, and since you are determined to stick with it, then deal with it. Nobody is making you stay and be sick, especially over such a dumb reason, so it behooves you at this time to grow up and deal with what life throws at you with more maturity and stick to itness, because you are there with this female by your own choice, so get over it.

    So let go of the dumb Mr. Sensitive role and deal with her, and your own emotions for once in your life, or remove yourself from the situation all together. YOUR CHOICE!

    If you are going to be a husband, then be a husband. If you can't handle it, walk away. Sorry for being so harsh guy, but I think you need a strong guy friend to straighten out your thinking a bit. Maybe you both do need some adult direction at this time. Why the hell are you even hanging around her practices like a ghost haunting the place? She doesn't hang around your job does she? UGH!!
    Thanks for that. Really needed the direct talk .
    Anyway, I don't want to hang around at her practises. She asks me to come to give her company. And I have made friends there too.
    I am a musician as well (that is my work) and I am the main feature artiste to perform for this festival on the final day. I was there the first day to check the stage and lighting and wasn't planning on going the next few days. But she kept asking me to come as she would like me to be there (she isn't a professional dancer so still is nervous before her performances) . So I would go to cheer her up whenevr she needs me there. I had to interest to go as even professionally it shows me in bad light that the main artiste for one of the days is just hanging around here. That's where I was offended too that first off he comes and speaks me to me and secondly what the hell were the organisers thinking to ask me for help (im not being too proud or egoistic, but in a panic mode they just freaked as something went wrong and were asking for help and at that point I didn't appreciate only because they sent this guy to come and ask me).

    It was just weird and sick for me as
    1. I Never wanted to meet any ex of my partner .
    2.He came and spoke to her first and I didn't understand why(even she was weirded out as they hadn't spoken for years) then but later after many people did that same thing( speak to her if they know her instead of me directly) I understood it may be because the people were a bit shy/ intimated (hoping for the best :D) .
    3. I didn't want to be there and I was there at that point because of her and this happened.

    Quote Originally Posted by joypulv View Post
    Are you telling us that you have never kissed another woman?

    Jealousy over the PAST of someone you love is POISON that will kill the relationship. You have it really bad. If you don't force yourself to curb your feelings, she will leave you (perhaps proving what you fear?) just because you are intolerable.

    Stay away from her job. Why aren't you at work? Don't you have a life of your own? Couples really do need separate lives to keep what they have when together exciting, new, interesting, happy. Spouses who lurk around the other spouse are doomed.

    IF you want to keep her, MAKE yourself get over this, even if you are just stifling the jealousy. All that hogwash about how you didn't want to meet him is childish, immature, and selfish. You think to highly of yourself. You are too important. You are the only man who ever should have been in her life. So go live in an area where marriages are still arranged to young girls who don't even get to look at men!

    I don't want to go for her practises or checks. She asks me to come to give her company.
    And I am a musician and performing for this festival on the final day as the main act. So the first day I went for the festival to check it out and the lighting and stage. But post that I am only just going as she has asked me to come and be with her to give her moral support as she is nervous to perform at times.

    Also, I don't fear that she will leave me. And she doesn't fear I will leave either. We have been through worse in a short time to leave and let go for such reasons or for other people.
    It is just more sort of a control issue that My life didn't go the way I wished it should have because of her. I never wanted to meet any partners ex but I had to.. because she dated that guy who always volunteers at these festivals and shows and I had to be there at that moment because she asked me to be there knowing that he was there too.

    Also, i have a past too and done more than kissing but i have made sure as much as i can to never let her meet my exs though she is fine with it and even doesnt mind meeting them she has told me long ago as she respects that they were part of my life at a certain point. But i just cant seem to understand that way of thinking and think that way . For me its more about some other person doing it to my girl and i dont like that guy for doing all that with her and i dont want to see their face or meet them ( well never wanted to).
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #8

    Oct 24, 2014, 11:14 PM
    I think that there is a connection to your jealousy, and this statement you made:" Ok so finally after months and months of fighting and abuse we spoke about it on final time and my wife is calming down and we are not fighting like before anymore (no more abusing and hitting)."

    Why do you focus on one individual from your wife's past, when there must have been much more going on for 'months and months' as you said, which involved abuse and hitting, according to you.

    Could it be that you have resolved nothing with your anger, you're just dumping it on a new person in another place, instead?

    You say you are very angry with your wife, even now, over this ex of hers being in the same place she is. Are you always angry with your wife?

    To me you sound like a man who is unable to control his anger. Plain and simple. Whether that anger is directed at your wife (which it is as you say), or directed at other individuals. Your focus on only one incident, this most recent one, to me at least, speaks volumes about how you do not manage your anger, or your angry thoughts, or your actions.

    I suspect it is only one example of how you are unable to let things go, especially when your anger is really misdirected, unreasonable, and unfair to both your wife, and this other fellow.

    I suggest you seek help with anger management, which would also give you help in how you are thinking, and justifying inappropriate behavior toward others. Until you do, you'll keep spinning your wheels, and alienating people.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #9

    Oct 25, 2014, 07:18 AM
    OMG guy, relax, and learn to vent those feelings toward other things like at a gym, or cycling, or another PHYSICAL activity, instead of innocent people. The sooner you learn to let go of those bad feelings positively, and KNOW you cannot control the words and actions of others, JUST yourself, you will be better equipped emotionally, to deal with whatever life throws at you.

    Learning to control yourself, and remain cool, calm, and collected allows you to make the right adjustments and avoid letting resentments build that lead to negative thoughts of revenge, and hate, and FEAR! Then maybe you can accept others for what they are, just humans like you, and treat them like you want to be treated, with dignity and respect.

    Holding the past against your fellow humans should make you sick simply because it's the wrong reaction to begin with. Maybe you have some control issues that makes you a SNOB. I mean why else would you be put out that volunteers would ask you for help/advice? You should be grateful you were asked to help, not insulted. One of the greatest acts between humans is an invitation to share, and care. All you need is the willingness to accept such a compliment and opportunity.

    Had your wife not asked for your presence, there would be no opportunity to share, and care. Instead of resentment, you should be grateful. See the difference in thinking?
    praaji's Avatar
    praaji Posts: 27, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Oct 26, 2014, 11:09 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    OMG guy, relax, and learn to vent those feelings toward other things like at a gym, or cycling, or another PHYSICAL activity, instead of innocent people. The sooner you learn to let go of those bad feelings positively, and KNOW you cannot control the words and actions of others, JUST yourself, you will be better equipped emotionally, to deal with whatever life throws at you.

    Learning to control yourself, and remain cool, calm, and collected allows you to make the right adjustments and avoid letting resentments build that lead to negative thoughts of revenge, and hate, and FEAR! Then maybe you can accept others for what they are, just humans like you, and treat them like you want to be treated, with dignity and respect.

    Holding the past against your fellow humans should make you sick simply because it's the wrong reaction to begin with. Maybe you have some control issues that makes you a SNOB. I mean why else would you be put out that volunteers would ask you for help/advice? You should be grateful you were asked to help, not insulted. One of the greatest acts between humans is an invitation to share, and care. All you need is the willingness to accept such a compliment and opportunity.

    Had your wife not asked for your presence, there would be no opportunity to share, and care. Instead of resentment, you should be grateful. See the difference in thinking?

    Uhhmm.. I Did not help him eventually. I said I'll come see what its like and if I feel like it I would. And he explained what I had to do etc so I said yeah OK I'll see. And then I didn't go as I was already pissed off.
    But I have been helping in other ways and have helped a lot with this festival whenever I am free. It was just because it was THIS person that asked me I didn't want to do anything and anger took me over.
    The same night even other people asked me to help with other things and I did. Some tried to order me to do it but since I didn't like their tone I didn't. But I help whenever I feel like I want to.
    I am just too angry with my wife because I feel its her fault that I had to be backstage that day when I wasn't even going to be around. I parked the car and just went for a walk till the show started and she called and asked me to come in and give her a good luck kiss and that's when things happened.
    She feels none of it is her fault as she cant help who she had feelings for before she met me and it pisses me off whenever she says that its not my fault to have feelings for someone, we cant control feelings. Then whose fault is it?
    and she feels its not her fault that her ex came and spoke to me as she cant control what others do and she just wanted to spend time with me and she just sees that person as a random person in the group and hopes I should not bother about connecting him to her too. But I somehow cant.
    I have been very patient with her and not gotten angry often in a long time but this thing about past has always bothered me and she knew it that's why I'm angry at her that I had to go through this because she called me there knowing the fact that I wasn't comfortable being there because of that person.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,591, Reputation: 2941
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    #11

    Oct 27, 2014, 04:31 AM
    None of it is her fault! You are creating problems out of jealousy. Of all the comments we have made, you have addressed only the concrete ones. You have SERIOUS thinking/feeling problems and need help. You aren't understanding what anyone here is saying, not deeply.

    She may have asked you to come to her work just to see that this guy isn't some horrible threat. Which he isn't!

    Jealousy over her PAST is selfish and childish. Did you grow up spoiled and pampered?
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #12

    Oct 27, 2014, 05:14 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by praaji View Post
    Uhhmm.. I Did not help him eventually. I said I'll come see what its like and if I feel like it I would. And he explained what I had to do etc so I said yeah OK I'll see. And then I didn't go as I was already pissed off.
    But I have been helping in other ways and have helped a lot with this festival whenever I am free. It was just because it was THIS person that asked me I didn't want to do anything and anger took me over.
    The same night even other people asked me to help with other things and I did. Some tried to order me to do it but since I didn't like their tone I didn't. But I help whenever I feel like I want to.
    I am just too angry with my wife because I feel its her fault that I had to be backstage that day when I wasn't even going to be around. I parked the car and just went for a walk till the show started and she called and asked me to come in and give her a good luck kiss and that's when things happened.
    She feels none of it is her fault as she cant help who she had feelings for before she met me and it pisses me off whenever she says that its not my fault to have feelings for someone, we cant control feelings. Then whose fault is it?
    and she feels its not her fault that her ex came and spoke to me as she cant control what others do and she just wanted to spend time with me and she just sees that person as a random person in the group and hopes I should not bother about connecting him to her too. But I somehow cant.
    I have been very patient with her and not gotten angry often in a long time but this thing about past has always bothered me and she knew it that's why I'm angry at her that I had to go through this because she called me there knowing the fact that I wasn't comfortable being there because of that person.
    This is going to seem harsh.

    I know you have other issues in your marriage. You have said that you are working through them and they are getting better. I think you are using this incident as a way to be mad at your wife instead of facing the anger you still feel about the other issues.

    Your wife asked for your support. Yours, no one else. She needed you and how do you act? Like a spoiled little boy who didn't get his way. Would you prefer that she looked to another person to boost her confidence just so you didn't have to face a difficult situation? How would you be reacting then?

    If you want to place blame anywhere, place it on yourself for being so caught up in your own needs that you can't be available for your wife and feel the need to punish her for your thoughts. And yes, you are punishing her if you blame her for the actions of another person and have told her so. It is emotionally damaging and hurting any trust that may be left in this marriage.

    Let this go and move forward, talk to your wife about counseling, or talk to your wife about dissolving the marriage. Decide what you really want once and for all, to build a life with your wife or to start over with someone new.

    Do you love your wife? Do you trust her? Do you want to be with her?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #13

    Oct 27, 2014, 08:43 AM
    Its not your wife's fault that you are a selfish, spoiled, immature jerk with many issues. You could have said NO! Thats what marriage is about taking the good and the bad and dealing with it.

    If you cannot you won't be married long. One of you will tire of the others behavior, or maybe you both will get sick of each other's faults. Deal with them or don't. If you stay quit b1tchin' and blaming!
    praaji's Avatar
    praaji Posts: 27, Reputation: 1
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    #14

    Oct 28, 2014, 07:04 AM
    I think my life is just too f***d right now.. :(.. some bad luck crap happening and I can connect it to a black cat crossing our oath while driving some nights back if I was superstitious.
    I was over this current issue with the help of the messages here and we had a great night last night. Went for a friend's pre-wedding function together and used her phone to log into my email account (my battery was dead) to play some songs I had on there on my email.
    I have logged into my email from her phone many times before too. And hence didn't bother logging out or anything.
    This morning She finds some nude pics of my ex and me from 4 years ago in some folder that I never even knew existed. It is dated to 4 years back. I didn't even know they were there and I was equally disgusted at seeing the pics as I have no feelings for my ex and no intentions. I had deleted all of her emails and everything from my inbox much before I even met my wife and now this was there in some other folder in the email that I have never even seen before and don't know how it was there as I know for a fact I deleted the email with these pics about 3 years back when we broke up.
    Now she is hell pissed and I completely understand her and even I was disgusted at seeing those pics. I don't know how she came across a folder in my emails that even I didn't know existed and then downloaded the pics to her phone and messaged it to my phone. What the hell .
    I have apologized since but she is now angry that my first statement after seeing it wasn't 'im sorry' but instead was more of a 'where the hell do you have these pics from , who sent it to you'.. so she feels I'm selfish as even after this I was more concerned about knowing for myself than to be considerate of her.
    She isn't talking to me and is staying with a friend tonight.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,591, Reputation: 2941
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    #15

    Oct 28, 2014, 07:09 AM
    Send flowers to the friend's address, delivered by the florist, and leave her alone.
    After all the grief you have given her, THIS?????
    I personally think you shouldn't have any close relationships.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #16

    Oct 28, 2014, 08:19 AM
    Ain't love grand?
    praaji's Avatar
    praaji Posts: 27, Reputation: 1
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    #17

    Oct 28, 2014, 09:58 AM
    She has just gone away for the night as she needs some space off. And has given me a final warning that I shouldn't bring up her past anymore and fight with her and show her that I can be considerate of her too. Or she doesn't mind leaving.
    I honestly didn't know the photos were there from 4 years ago and I don't even know how she snooped or stumbled upon it when I myself haven't come across it in all these years.
    Life sucks.
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,796, Reputation: 2674
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    #18

    Oct 28, 2014, 01:20 PM
    Yes, life sucks and then you die. Unless you pick up your socks.
    mmresd's Avatar
    mmresd Posts: 2,002, Reputation: 553
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    #19

    Oct 29, 2014, 04:11 PM
    Get over your own insecurities, or your fears of being cheated on will always be heightened. It's like a self fulfilling prophecy, believe yourself of value and that your girl is lucky to have you and she will agree.

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