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Mommy2girls · Oct 16, 2014, 08:08 PM

Ok, I have 2 daughters ages 26 and 20 and have been divorced about 10 years. Recently, my oldest daughter went through a divorce and got a new boyfriend and moved in with him, something that I taught against. She has recently begun seeing a counselor and told me that her father fondled her as a child.

While I had many problems with her father, I was totally shocked by this revelation and while I was totally supportive of her, I questioned the reliability of it to myself. That was until she showed me a texted conversation between her and her younger sister confirming that it happened to her also but she didn't want to bring it up because she was dealing with the past fine and it wouldn't change anything.

When I confronted my younger daughter about it her reaction was she was upset with her sister sharing this with a new boyfriend when she hadn't told her boyfriend of 4 years. My oldest daughter is seeing a counselor and confronted her father and wants nothing to do with him. My youngest daughter though wants to keep her relationship with her father.

I've tried and tried to get her to talk to me, her sister or a counselor but she refuses saying she is fine. I don't want to stress her out too much right now because she is in her first semester of nursing school and she doesn't need added stress that came about at absolutely no fault of hers but I also feel like it can't be healthy to keep up with the relationship with her father.

I don't know what to do. She wants everyone to just drop it because she says she has adjusted. She is a very well grounded girl with great responsibility , level headed and not wild. She's in the honor society at her college and has been in a relationship with her boyfriend for 4 years but refuses to talk marriage until she gets her nursing degree.

What do I do to help her?

J_9 · Oct 16, 2014, 08:31 PM

Your daughter is 20. Therefore, she is an adult and can make adult decisions. If she chooses to keep contact with her father, that is her choice. All you can do is support her and be there for her.

Nursing school is tough, I've been there, done that and got the RN. She needs all the support she can get right now.

Wondergirl · Oct 16, 2014, 08:32 PM

Why do you think she needs help?

Oliver2011 · Oct 17, 2014, 05:22 AM

You won't be helping her if you constantly bring this up. Trust me when I tell you, if she says she has dealt with it, she has dealt with it. Dealing with something like this or not usually shows up in the person behaviors. You have two daughters who are at opposite ends so to speak. Everyone thinks, including those that have been abused, that confronting the abuser will set them free. That just isn't the case. It's a step but it isn't the step to end all steps. Trust your daughter and encourage your daughter through school and life. She sounds like she is on the right path.

Fr_Chuck · Oct 17, 2014, 05:57 AM

She may have talked with father and forgiven him, and wants some contact with her father. You may not like it, but it is her right to do so.

If you keep insisting she is wrong, you will just chase her away from you.

talaniman · Oct 17, 2014, 06:03 AM

I know you just want to help, and have the best intentions, but for now bury this subject, because you do more harm than good keeping old wounds open. MAYBE when SHE is ready, she will come to you, but the point is don't go to her.

Yeah, kids do grow into adults and do things their way, and we parents are the ones who need the help to let them.

Go figure.

Mommy2girls · Oct 17, 2014, 06:22 AM

Thanks for the advice. I have really just kept it to myself due to not wanting to stress her out during school but have felt guilty by NOT insisting she drop him like a hot potato. Do I like that she has a relationship with him? Hell no but I figured I can't do anything about that.

Thanks everyone for the advice... and encouragement that I am doing the right thing in letting her deal with it. I live in the south where momma is momma forever and momma tells you what to do no matter if your 2 or 92 and I've really been battling myself in how to help her with this.

J_9 · Oct 17, 2014, 06:45 AM

It doesn't appear she needs any help with this. While I see your point and totally agree, it seems your daughter is handling this the way she feels is appropriate for her.

I know it's hard Momma, but trust that you raised her well and let her make her own choices.