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    Rosieaarons's Avatar
    Rosieaarons Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Oct 8, 2014, 08:18 AM
    Boyfriend spends so much on himself- am I wrong?
    I got pregnant a couple of years ago to an abusive man and didn't have the courage to abort it but because he was abusive I didn't tell him that I have had his son (Whether that is wrong or not is a different subject)

    One of my best boy friends knew about this and we became so close we started dating and he was okay about me having a baby that wasn't his as he had always liked me. He is amazing to my son and we have now been dating for just over two years and my son also loves him to pieces.

    As we were too young to buy our own place and weren't in the right financial situation I lived with my parents still until I was eventually accepted by the Council to get my own place for me and my son. Living at home caused a lot of problems between me and my mum as I was bringing up my son there she would always be very involved and currently hates my boyfriend as we aren't married and she thinks by now he should have proposed to me so she is also constantly telling me to leave him which stresses me out and upsets me as I don't know if she is right or not?

    My boyfriend had a car which was just an average car for a boy of 19 a normal Clio 1.2 but then decided he wanted the Clio sport 2.0L. He works 5 days a week and saved up £3000 to buy this which typically coincided with me getting my own place. He made no attempt to help me pay for anything at my place which he would spend a lot of time too and my dad gave me £1300 to furnish it which I couldn't have done without him. It upset me that my boyfriend wouldn't help and he eventually agreed to pay my Dad back for a sofa of £500 in addition to the money he had given us.

    I am a stay at home Mum as my son is only 1 and a half, my boyfriend never fails to tell me that my job is easy at home and puts me down often (which it isn't) children aren't easy as well as everything else you have to do around the house and everything I do for him is never good enough he always has a complaint for me. I never get a moments peace as my boyfriend does as once he finishes work he buggers off the gym for an hour.

    Now I have come off all benefits as my boyfriend is moving in with me as he spends too much time here that otherwise it would be benefit fraud. I haven't forced him to do this I said he could still live at his mums and just stay on the weekends but he insists he wants to be here all the time. He will be paying the affordable rent of £500 a month, bills £100 a month and food around £40 a week. He gets £74.45 working tax credits every week and earns around £400 a week so he has a lot of money left over and I have nothing apart form £20 Child benefit which is for my son.

    After spending that money buying his car it is now never enough, there is a constant parcel of lights for it, engine covers, better brakes, alloys and It's driving me insane. He owes me £318, my dad £250 and his Dad £200 which he pays my dad and his every so often and isn't paying me back and now is saying that he is going to spend £4000 on his irritating car to Turbo it. This is going to add no value to the car and he is probably going to end up killing himself or someone else in it as he drives ridiculously and the car is way too quick for him. Basically what I'm trying to say is, am I unfair for being so upset about all his money going into this?

    He won't go away with me because he says it's too stressful with the baby and moans about working to support me. I don't do nothing, I have a seasonal job so I basically work whenever I get some free time which isn't often but it's something. He says he doesn't like me sitting at home doing 'nothing' while he works so I said until my son goes to Nursery in April there is nothing I can do about it and if he likes he can stay at home and I will work but he refuses that option to. I feel like I can't win but he sees me as totally selfish.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #2

    Oct 8, 2014, 09:58 AM
    You both have different priorities and it will take time to workout a plan that work for you both. Hard to get a plan going until you do. That's the challenge you face. To get a true commitment, you have to have the same priority.

    Having said all that he had good intentions by agreeing to pay your family back for helping you move and furnish your new place as well as pay the bills going forward, and seems to be doing that, so backoff while he does so, and give the guy some space to do his thing as you make progress toward those debts (lots of stress for sure). You don't have to push so hard for instant success, and the whole nine yards of being together and getting on each others nerves with this conflict born from different priorities, and style of doing things. You are no longer dating but building(?) a life together, and learning to live with, and identify each others flaws and shortcomings.

    The way I see it, you can be nice about the learning and exploring with this experiment, or you can fight about it, and drive each other crazy. If what he does drives you that crazy, then he has no business being there, and you can go back to dating, or just split, and do your thing without him. I am sure once you acknowledge the obligations he has taken on, and appreciate the work he does trying to be fair, then you can give him some space to indulge himself sometimes, and a chance to do better, as from a guys standpoint he may have bitten off more than he can chew, and has to learn a better balance than just meeting all your needs (beside those of repaying your family).

    It can't be all about you, nor can it be all about him, but you both need a balance by getting on the same page through calm communications for a plan that benefits you both. I am sure the ladies will give you a different perspective than mine, but the bottomline is this whole experiment (with no long term plan, or defined end goal) was brought about by wanting to be together ALL THE TIME and maybe you jumped into this way too fast without a shared priority other than just living together.

    Everybody does that before laying out a thoughtful plan so you are no different, nor hardly alone. The honeymoon is over, and the work has begun, do it together,or apart. For sure you don't need to add more demands than you have already, just handle what you have in a fair way.

    You are a typical struggling new couple, adjusting to some big changes, and defining new boundaries. Slow down, and enjoy the journey, and be nicer to each other, as you LEARN each others language and how to resolve your conflicts.

    Boyfriend spends so much on himself- am I wrong?
    Not completely, but do the math, he spends A LOT on you too.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,492, Reputation: 2853
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    #3

    Oct 8, 2014, 10:20 AM
    Sorry, but as I read it you aren't married... so that means what's his is his, and what's yours is yours. Are you getting any child support from your child's father to put towards raising your child or are you expecting the current boyfriend to foot 100% of this bill?

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