[Green Elephant]

Hey everyone,

I seem to have a strange obsession with losing my spouse.
It doesn't cripple me or give me panic attacks, but I hate the idea of her driving, mostly. For some reason I seem to fear car accidents the most.

I tell her every day to drive carefully, but not in a casual way. It's in a very "please take me very seriously" kind of way.

I think a huge part of it is that I know that even if she is 100% careful, someone could fall asleep, or be drunk driving, so I think it's mostly how much I don't have control over the situation.

Not that I need control over her, or our relationship in any way. It's just how much she means to me, and the idea of losing her is crippling.

Any suggestions or thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

[smoothy]

Therapy or counseling? SHe could slip in the tub or shower, fall down the stairs, catch herself on fire cooking ( I know someone that did that, luckily they weren't home alone and survived.)

She might even die in her sleep from an unknown and undiagnosed problem.

See what I mean? Actually life is 100% fatal. The only unkown is when.

[Green Elephant]

Therapy or counseling?

Neither.

[smoothy]

Might be a good idea... why suffer when its somethiing you can learn to get past?

[Green Elephant]

Might be a good idea... why suffer when its somethiing you can learn to get past?

I guess you're right. I guess I just assumed it wasn't that bad.

[Homegirl 50]

Therapy or counseling would help. You need to know why you are feeling this way before you drive your wife nuts.
Are you this obsessive about everything?

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes, actually her chances of chocking on food, of another accident is really much higher.

So yes, you need to get professional help.

And even if it is bothering you, do not talk to her and try to stop her

[joypulv]

A little over 2 years ago, you were worried about your mother turning into an alcoholic and combining wine with drugs.
Also at that time you were wondering about being too different from your girlfriend.

What is the status now of your mother?
Do you think there could be a connection between how you feel about her and how you worry about your wife?
Is your wife the same woman you asked for advice about back then?

[Oliver2011]

You know we all think about the what ifs in many situations. There are no guarantees in life and although we would like to control the outcome of most situations, the reality is we don't.

My partner is the love of my life. I tell people that I am in love for the first time and hopefully the last time of my life. If something were to happen I like to think that I am the type of person that would be thankful for the years we had together and not be consumed about the years we didn't.

[dontknownuthin]

It sounds like you may have a broader issue with obsessive thoughts and anxiety. You should get therapy. There are good medications that can take the edge off anxiety, and therapies that can desensitize you to your worries. You cannot really fix this on your own and efforts to protect loved ones frim out of proportion fears could push them away because you will drive them nuts.

You need to learn to finish your "what if" worries. For example, what if you lost your wife? Well, it would be shocking and very sad. You would miss her terribly. You would have to learn to move forward, and in time start dating again. You would always miss her. But you would survive it. Yo survived before you knew her, right? You were not always with her, or anyone.

If she got hurt, you would face it together. There are hospitals and doctors. And if you were faced with a hardship you couldn't face, you would just have to get help with it. Look at the things people overcome every day!

You are going to have hardship in life. Not likely a terrible tragedy, but maybe.

I'm a survivor. I was violently beaten and raped for hours as a student years ago. My husband left me in an unrelated situation years later. I've been laid off several times. I wasn't able to have children - 6 miscarriages. I have been totally broke. Last time, while unemployed, my son totalled my car. Many things just suck wind. But after I got angry, sad and panicked (I allowed myself a couple hours), I started figuring out my next step. Raped, bleeding, dying...I just wanted to get home, and did...barefoot, four blocks in Milwaukee in January. I told my roommate, she got me to a hospital. One step at a time, I got through it. And that is all any of us can do. But isn't it wasteful to spend the good times And blessings in darkness? Live life fully. And if hard times cine, embrace them and slowly find your way through.

[1bluesky]

If you are normal about everything else, then no need for therapy. Just relax, and focus n your own safety first. Because if you do not, you'll most likely get hurt oen day. Think about this.

[dontknownuthin]

I disagree blue sky. Therapy is needed... it is not about having to be abnormal. Many normal people get therapy and often for one issue like this one. You don't have to be mentally ill to benefit from therapy. This kind of worry can deteriorate a marriage and should be addressed with help.

[talaniman]

Don't feed the fear. Know where it comes from and how to deal with it. Maybe you need some help with that, to guide you through an honest self evaluation, as having read your other questions for years, you have already grown through many thing in your life.

Still touring with the band? I think everyone worries about loved ones and wanting them safe, but often changing situations, and additional outside pressures in our lives can overwhelm us and bring a heightened sense of worry and care to the ones we care about. Don't know how long you have been married, but it cannot be for long, but a helpful coping mechanism is to not give into fear with impulsive reactions, try to take a breathe and think first, before you act or speak.

You may be overly sensitive if you have endured many losses in the past, and we often still have those feelings left over from those past events as they are traumatic and far reaching, and may take years to deal with. It' a process of adjustments that maybe you need some help with, or maybe you can help yourself with to not dwell on the negative that FEAR of the unknown that we have no control over raises in our minds.

Often it's a matter of time and patience (with ourselves) to accept our past losses/disappointments, and focus on the positive by being grateful for the good fortune now that we enjoy, and looking forward to more.

It' never easy practicing being positive, and very easy to give in to being negative, but learning to focus and having a plan to follow can go a long way to getting us through our own FEAR. When the wife leaves, or you are away, have a positive TASK to focus on to change those negative thoughts to positive ones. Before you know it that routine will become a natural part of your thought process, if PRACTICED properly.

Even if you are OCD or some other alphabet afflicted, you can learn to help yourself day by day, sometimes a minute at a time. You just need a good plan to stick to that gives you good orderly direction to cope with your FEAR.