[Hynnil]

Hi,
I've been in a relationship now for 18 months. I am 28 and my partner is 29. My partner works 4 days a week as a Counselors because she has fibromyalgia. I work 2 jobs, 25 hours a fortnight as disability support worker which includes weekend shifts with penalty rates. My other job is in my own business as an Electrical contractor, I do private jobs and also do work for a local real estate in maintaining electrical issues in Rentals. As being my own business the electrical work varies, a lot of the time no more than half days.

A few months back we had a disagreement about how I should be doing more work, and I explained to her that I will do any electrical work that I can get. But being a business the amount of work varies (and I feel always will). I feel like she resents that sometimes I get to spent time at home when work is quiet and that she thinks that I am not doing my best to earn as much money as possible. I understand that she has a chronic illness and that going to work is tough for her. I think she perhaps feels that time is ticking (for kids and house) and that we are not earning money quick enough. What do I do?

When I am at home I try to do the obvious chores, washing up dishes, clothes washing and folding. (When I don't the day doesn't feel productive.) My partner is also struggling with some weight issues and I feel that also impacts things and makes this particular issue worse. Any advice?

[Alty]

If you're just starting this business it will take time for it to become a full time gig. At least you're working at a job that has regular hours every week, as well as trying to start up your own business.

But, I also see her point. If you've been at this business for a while and you're still not able to work at it full time, how will the two of you ever get married, have a home, have children?

That's the issue with having your own business, you're not always sure how much business will come in month to month, year to year. It makes it very hard for someone that, once they have a child will be home with that child likely for at least the first year, to understand how food is going to be put on the table, bills paid, a house owned, etc.

I can understand both sides of this.

Is there a way to schedule your time a bit better? Perhaps book jobs for your business a few weeks in advance, and if it's looking like a slow month, ask for more hours at your part time job to fill in the time.

That's my suggestion.

[Fr_Chuck]

I worked a full time job, and a part time job, while my business was starting, for two years.

Sorry, if the part time job, is not enough, go to a full time job, while trying to start your business.

[Triysle]

Do you feel that you are contributing enough? I ask because your post is highly focused on what your partner wants, how you think she feels, and you seem like you're trying to accommodate her needs over your own.

We're all guilty of wanting to go above and beyond for someone we love. But it's important that you focus on your own happiness first. Your comment about how you feel she resents your time at home may also indicate your own insecurities about your situation.

Make sure you feel good about yourself. If that's sorted out, then you have the capacity to talk to her openly and honestly and you give her a pressure-free scenario to share her true feelings.

[talaniman]

Your 18 month relationship has reached a few sticking points that have to be resolved through honest communications to the benefit of you both. Now would be a good time to get on the same page to plan a future together. No matter the plan, you have to live within your means. So find out the facts for sure just by asking, and be willing to listen to her side.

To be honest I don't think you have reached the family planning stage yet, and I personally wouldn't let someone who wasn't working as hard as me, make me feel bad about not working hard enough, no matter their difficulties. Keep your own needs, and efforts in the proper perspective. What are you a slave or something?

[I wish]

I think that you two need to sit down and work out a game medium term game plan that you can both agree with. Once you have a plan laid out and you both follow it, then you know that you are accomplishing common goals and you agreed upon.

[Jake2008]

I keep thinking, 'balance', and what can be expected realistically. If you work more, and earn more, you'll be gone more too. Then that balance will be off, particularly if children come along, and instead of money, she will be complaining that you aren't doing enough at home.

I'm not sure you can compromise much to be honest with you. You are between a rock and a hard place.

And, her fibromyalgia is very treatable from what I know about it, but if it is severe, perhaps she is doing all she can right now?

For the both of you to be on the same page, I would suggest you sit down, do up a list of needs, and wants, as far as money, responsibilities, house work, and expectation goes. Just draw a line across the top with headings, then draw lines down, and each of you fill in your own list.

See if you can't also figure out a way to save what you agree to save, from your incomes, for future planning to afford a baby, a better car, etc. Agree that planning takes commitment and money will not surface on a whim and a prayer- you have to be reasonable about what is coming in NOW. You have no way of knowing if your income will increase at all. Deal with what you have, not what you want to have, as far as fitting into what you can pay for- now.

It will be a good test to see if things can be worked out. But, please don't have a baby, expecting that you will be miraculously able to find enough coins in the cushions of the sofa to pay for those expenses.