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    iscorpio's Avatar
    iscorpio Posts: 124, Reputation: 17
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    #1

    Apr 7, 2007, 05:09 PM
    What do you think?
    This is a statement as well as a question, everyone in this world is different, each has a quality that is loveable, thinking along these lines everyone can be attracted to many people, love many people in their own way, what a shame modern society hasn't moved along with the times. Once upon a time people got married for life, now is only till they tire of each other. If life was such that we accepted the above no one would be hurt because everyone would feel the same. I would just like to state that I was married for 30 yrs and was totally faithful, is just that I talk to many adorable men that I am just friends with because do not want to hurt anyone, my feelings run deep for each and everyone of them but hey that is where it stops. Is a guilty feeling I get when chatting and that is all I do, life is cruel, had a choice of many dates but refuse all. What is a girl to do, answer due to morals and lifes dictations, nothing. What are your opinions? Take care, love and peace anne x
    kristynn's Avatar
    kristynn Posts: 502, Reputation: 66
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    #2

    Apr 9, 2007, 02:58 PM
    Anne,

    Just a few questions to make a few things clear, if you don't mind (quotes included):

    ~Why do you feel guilty when chatting with your male friends?
    ~Guilty about what?
    ~What type of feelings do you have for each and everyone of "them"?
    ~Why do you refuse all the dates? Is it because you don't want "to hurt anyone"?
    ~Why do you consider life cruel?
    ~What do you mean by "life's dictations"?

    I've never been married so I have no clue about the "married life" or about what comes after, but your question is interesting, but a bit unclear to me. :)
    ordinaryguy's Avatar
    ordinaryguy Posts: 1,790, Reputation: 596
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    #3

    Apr 10, 2007, 05:00 AM
    Are you still married, or has your 30-year marriage ended? Are you wondering how much intimacy with someone you're not married to is legitimate? Or whether it's OK to be emotionally (or physically?) intimate with more than one person at the same time? Or whether it's wrong to have feelings for someone other than your spouse? Please clarify.
    iscorpio's Avatar
    iscorpio Posts: 124, Reputation: 17
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    #4

    Apr 10, 2007, 03:00 PM
    Thank you for your responses, I am sorry that I did not explain very clearly hope the following helps you to understand better. My marriage ended after 30yrs because despite forgiving my husband one affair due to midlife crisis, I could not forgive him the affair that he had with my foster daughter so he now he lives with her. We are separated and although we talk amicably due to having to sell our house and everything or marriage is well and truly over. I have been to hell and back in the last year and contact through various people that I chat to on the net has kept me sane, they are all really good friends, I adore every one of them but will not meet them because it will change things and I would no longer feel right chatting to my many friends that have been there for me. I would feel as if I have used their friendship and this is not true. I hope you understand what I was trying to say now, I am not suggesting that I have many affairs lol, just that by initiating one would have such a devasting affect. Would just like to add that when I was married, I never used the internet or was I unfaithful in any way, which brings me to the question that I was asked, did I want to know how far you can go without it being wrong, well if you are married surely anything is wrong because although you may only intend to go so far, feelings often take over and therefore you put yourself in the place of no return, when I say you I am speaking collectively and aim my views at no one. Take care, love and peace anne x
    ordinaryguy's Avatar
    ordinaryguy Posts: 1,790, Reputation: 596
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    #5

    Apr 10, 2007, 05:48 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by iscorpio
    My marriage ended after 30yrs because despite forgiving my husband one affair due to midlife crisis, i could not forgive him the affair that he had with my foster daughter so he now he lives with her.
    Ohhh! That is so LOW!! You're lucky to be rid of him.

    Quote Originally Posted by iscorpio
    I have been to hell and back in the last year and contact through various people that i chat to on the net has kept me sane, they are all really good friends, i adore each and every one of them but will not meet them due to the fact that it will change things and i would no longer feel right chatting to my many friends that have been there for me. I would feel as if i have used their friendship and this is not true. I hope you understand what I was trying to say now
    It sounds like you are reluctant to bring these "friendships" out of the safe distance and isolation of keyboard and screen. Is that it? Of course it would change things, but why assume that it would be a change for the worse? And why would you "no longer feel right", and "feel as if i have used their friendship"? I guess I still don't really understand what you're contemplating doing and/or why you think it would be such an awful thing. You're no longer married, so you're free to explore any friendship to whatever level of intimacy is mutually possible and agreeable.
    iscorpio's Avatar
    iscorpio Posts: 124, Reputation: 17
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    #6

    Apr 10, 2007, 07:35 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by ordinaryguy
    Ohhh! That is so LOW!!! You're lucky to be rid of him.


    It sounds like you are reluctant to bring these "friendships" out of the safe distance and isolation of keyboard and screen. Is that it? Of course it would change things, but why assume that it would be a change for the worse? And why would you "no longer feel right", and "feel as if i have used their friendship"? I guess I still don't really understand what you're contemplating doing and/or why you think it would be such an awful thing. You're no longer married, so you're free to explore any friendship to whatever level of intimacy is mutually possible and agreeable.
    Sorry I am not very good at explaining it seems, it is because if I agreed to meet up and have a relationship with any of these men then it would not be right to continue chatting to the others, because I have spent many hours chatting to lots of different people, have been there supporting them like they have me, so to choose one and not talk to the others seems that I would have been using them and this is not true, is just a situation I have found myself in that I did not forsee, I had no intention of having a serious relationship after what I went through with my husband and now I am coming out of the tunnel I have been in for a year but is very foggy out here, is not as easy to begin a new life as I thought it would be. Take care, love and peace anne x
    ordinaryguy's Avatar
    ordinaryguy Posts: 1,790, Reputation: 596
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    #7

    Apr 11, 2007, 05:00 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by iscorpio
    if i agreed to meet up and have a relationship with any of these men then it would not be right to continue chatting to the others,
    See, I don't get this at all. Why would you think that having a relationship with one means you can't talk to the rest? It seems to me you may have an exaggerated idea of what fidelity is. As long as they are kept in proper bounds, having many other friendships is healthy and good for an intimate relationship.

    Quote Originally Posted by iscorpio
    i had no intention of having a serious relationship after what i went through with my husband and now i am coming out of the tunnel i have been in for a year but is very foggy out here, is not as easy to begin a new life as i thought it would be.
    I can understand this, and you may be wise to delay intimacy with anyone for awhile. Rebound relationships rarely work out. It takes time to process all the painful lessons learned in a failed relationship and integrate them into your whole being, so be patient with yourself. Don't worry. Be happy.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #8

    Apr 11, 2007, 05:28 AM
    Correct me if I'm wrong, but when one is in an unfamiliar place or situation, its best to go slow and become familiar with the lay of the land before jumping in full bore. Explore yourself and your surroundings to become comfortable, and work out a plan of action to get what you want. We often wonder who we really are, and how we fit in life, and now you have the oppurtunity to solve that mystery. You were a part of something for a long time, and now the question is what is it you want for yourself? Have fun figuring that out, and how to get it. Go slow and focus on the goal, and not the obstacles. I think its all about what makes you healthy and happy, so go slow and do it right the way you like it. Your on your time so what's the hurry?
    iscorpio's Avatar
    iscorpio Posts: 124, Reputation: 17
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    #9

    Apr 11, 2007, 09:24 AM
    Hi everyone, thank you so much for your responses No rush but should I decide that I did want a relationship anytime in the future this problem will still be there, I don't know what I expected from this question, it is my own problem I guess, my own fault for getting close to too many people even though is only on the net, is all about supporting one another being there for one another when times are hard, much the same as on here only on a one to one basis, that is what makes it so difficult, it is because everyone is special in there own way. Take care love and peace anne x
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #10

    Apr 11, 2007, 09:36 AM
    I think your missing that close companionship you became use to. Not to worry, stay positive and have fun. As much as I'm on the net with friends and family, I know there is time for all. You gain not lose.
    iscorpio's Avatar
    iscorpio Posts: 124, Reputation: 17
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    #11

    Apr 11, 2007, 09:44 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman
    I think your missing that close companionship you became use to. Not to worry, stay positive and have fun. As much as I'm on the net with friends and family, I know there is time for all. You gain not lose.
    you know talaniman, I have been off from work with stress for over a year now, thought I was coming out the other end of this dark dismal tunnel, think you hit the nail on the head, no matter how he hurt me not matter how long it has been, I loved him so much that I just so miss what we had but is all gone now, so I have to move on it is just so hard. Take care love and peace anne x
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #12

    Apr 11, 2007, 09:52 AM
    Start slowly, baby steps. Trust me it gets better.
    iscorpio's Avatar
    iscorpio Posts: 124, Reputation: 17
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    #13

    Apr 11, 2007, 04:38 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman
    Start slowly, baby steps. Trust me it gets better.
    thank you so much for your great advice, very much appreciated. Take care, love and peace anne x
    lacuran8626's Avatar
    lacuran8626 Posts: 270, Reputation: 57
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    #14

    Apr 18, 2007, 08:26 PM
    You were married a long time, and hurt very deeply both by your husband and by your foster child. That impropriety of their relationship is another whole chapter. Bottom line, what happened to you was perhaps the worst experience you will ever go through in your life. It's OK to protect your feelings a little by taking some time, which is how I see your choices.

    It's really, really new and one day you may need to push yourself to get out there and date, but for now, just plan some lunches with friends and see your family, and pursue your own interests. When you feel good about where you are at with yourself, and feel like you have made some progress in recovering from this horrible event in your life, you can push yourself a little further to get back out there again.
    iscorpio's Avatar
    iscorpio Posts: 124, Reputation: 17
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    #15

    Apr 19, 2007, 02:31 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by lacuran8626
    You were married a long time, and hurt very deeply both by your husband and by your foster child. That impropriety of their relationship is another whole chapter. Bottom line, what happened to you was perhaps the worst experience you will ever go through in your life. It's ok to protect your feelings a little by taking some time, which is how I see your choices.

    It's really, really new and one day you may need to push yourself to get out there and date, but for now, just plan some lunches with friends and see your family, and pursue your own interests. When you feel good about where you are at with yourself, and feel like you have made some progress in recovering from this horrible event in your life, you can push yourself a little further to get back out there again.
    Thank you so much for your response, I know that you are right and when the time is right for me to go back out in to that big wide world so to speak, I know that I will know, thanks once again, take care, love and peace anne x

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