[praaji]

Hello,
Sorry for the long post but I have too much to explain.
I know what I am about to say now is only my side of the story and I will try and make it as neutral as possible as I don't want her to be portrayed in bad light but for the past month and half I have been going through pain in life.
We had a very good relationship going on for a year and half and we decided to take it ahead and get engaged. All was good till then(at least for me) .
We would have our occasional fights (once a month or once in 2 months) which would last a day or two and it would be over. I had a very bad temper. I would get irritated very fast and tell her off and ask her to leave me alone and if she didn't I would at times abuse her verbally and say mean things and then cut off till I cooled off.
She would always say that she understands that I was angry and said whatever I did in that anger and knows I didn't mean it (which I definitely didn't mean ofcourse). And she would say she has let it go too and the topics would never come back up.
It was mostly a long distance relationship. So I would just end the skype calls on her when I needed to cool off and then talk when I'm calm. I have now apologised for all that as now when I see myself as what I was, well I was a bad person.
We got engaged in May and went to her country. I was there for about a month and then returned back to my place. We had fights even then and those were the times that it got physical because I would ask her to leave me and she would keep trying to hug me & I would have to push her away. I have always apologized for that but I just needed her to stay away at that moment.One time it actually hurt her shoulder bad because I held her by the shoulders when she came to hug me and pushed her behind. I just needed her to stop touching me at that point. The fights lasted 1-2 days.
I went back home & had a huge fight where I did not skype her for 6 days. And even when we spoke on messages I would talk mean or abuse as there was a misunderstanding and I kept asking her to clear it but she was adamant that she would do it if I came on skype. And the fight kept building, bringing all old issues & after 6 days she cleared the misunderstanding and we spoke. I feel those 6 days helped me because we spoke of all our old issues & cleared it all out.
Some days later when she was at work she fainted and had to be taken to hospital. The doctor told her then that she is going through too much stress and anxiety and it is taking a toll of her health and heart functioning. (I did not know of this till a month later)
I returned back to her in August.I was much at peace that all the issues were cleared.
Since August to this morning she has constantly been picking on me. Abusing, hitting, getting upset at the smallest things and then says she is going through depression and I have to deal with it as its because how I was with her that now she is like this. I don't understand this. She always said she let go of the things and understood I did it when I was angry. So now when I have realised I was such a douche and I am being nice to her why is she constantly fighting with me almost daily for about 2 months now.
I know I put her through crap the days we fought,but it was never this long. Even if we total out all the days we have fought and I have been a douche, it wouldn't be more than 15 days. That too spread out over a span of 1 year.
She says I have to deal with this and I do want to help her. I did say I would and won't back off no matter what. She gets upset, stops talking to me and tells me to talk nice things to her. I do try to talk and get abused while I am trying to talk nice things as my topic may be wrong. No matter what I do or speak, her mood goes from silent to abusing to talking about leaving and committing suicide to hitting when I stop her from leaving and then again I try and talk and she calms down. She has never calmed down before this whole cycle isn't complete. The longest has been for 3 days that we didn't fight.
She says she knows I am trying but I'm not good enough and not doing 100% according to her, but I feel I don't know what more to try. Says just keep talking nice and sweet to her even when she is bashing me up and I have tried but I cant. She says to talk about it on the days that she is calm. But if I do bring it up, then those days are not calm anymore. And if anything I tell her how I have never done what she is doing to me she justifies it as she is going through 'depression' and that is how it is. And if I don't deal with it she will leave me and die.
I feel so scared to even talk to her now. Honestly if I could go back I would not have done the things I did or said to her but it was never as bad as what she is doing.
The fact that I have to talk to her to calm her down is something I cant get. If she is angry and hates me at that point I would rather not talk to her than be around her and talk and get abused but I still have to keep a happy face and talk nice. She wants to control everything I say & do. I am supposed to listen to everything she says except when she asks me to leave. No matter what I cant say OK and sit quiet as she gets more angry. If she is leaving,she wants me to run after her. No matter how much I run she won't stop. Some days back it really affected me as we were at a mall, she was in a good mood shopping and I just wanted to sit down for a bit, that got her angry. That I am not enthusiastic about her shopping and I should be but I didn't see my fault in it so I didn't talk to calm her. I got agitated. She walked off and I followed her till I could. Then stopped. She called me from a distance asking why I wasn't following and to continue and when I reached her she got in the bus, I went on the bus and she told me to get off as her car was still at the mall. So she went off in the bus and messages things like she is never coming back,etc and I am supposed to be calm with all this whereas all I wanted to do was sit.
2 days later I was taking a nap, she wakes me up asks me to come with her. I do wake up and say OK lets go and she gets upset because my tone isn't good. She doesn't give a crap if I am sleepy but if she has woken me my tone has to be the way she wants to hear and not the sleepy tone. The fight went all night again till I had to calm down and again calm her down.
I am a musician and earn through it and I got a show offer. She has something on too that she told me about long ago and I wanted to be there with her for that, But just because I was thinking out all the options out loud of whether I should take up the show or not or go after her thing is over or maybe go before and she fought again that she isn't important to me because I am thinking. I don't know how to deal with this constant picking on me. I am considering suicide almost daily. I am scared to open my mouth to say anything. I am scared to wake up because I don't know if she will wake up happy or crap mood. I enjoy the times that I am all alone rather than with her as I am scared of her now. No matter what I do, she finds something to get upset and then I have to calm her down and it stresses me to find a topic that she wants to hear because she won't even tell me what to talk. And I don't even know if what I am talking is being appreciated. She will be on her phone and I have to sit aside and keep talking like an emotionless robot who must not get affected when she abuses or hits while I'm talking. And then later says she is going through depression so I HAVE to handle it. I feel its more like control and ego issues.
All her life she has always taken everyone's crap. And she says that now it has flipped. But I don't understand why I have to deal with it alone. Last night she hurt me a lot and I actually couldn't take it as she told me I'm not the one making enough money and its her money that's buying things and I couldn't take this anymore and started having tears and then while I was talking and saying that I won't use her money ever she comes and slaps my face and punches my chest for saying that. I have no clue what to do . I do want to leave but I am scared she will hurt herself. And she doesn't want to involve a doctor or a counseller. Her mother knows and even she is getting fed-up constantly hearing us fighting every night. She has tried to help a lot and calm this a lot but it doesn't matter. No matter who calms her down she just wants Me to talk to her and calm her down and show her that I want her even when she is fighting and abusing. I understand there is some sort of insecurity and I do always try to make her happy. Decorate the room when she has gone out so she comes back to a room with candles. Or make something. She would be happy for then and something I may say would end up to her shutting off on me and stop talking and then I have sit and keep trying. I told her last night that I will try my best not to talk of topics that agitate her but if she is agitated, and upset, I cant do the calming her down thing anymore. Because it always gets worse from there as I will never say what she expects me to say. And no matter what I try it will always fail as its not what she wants in her head and I cant read that. I wouldn't even mind if it was the same ting I had to do. It changes daily. A new formula for a new day.
I wake up in the middle of my sleep scared that did I hurt her or piss her off again now.
Please suggest what I should do to calm her down. What is wrong with her? Can anyone even help me with that so I know how to work on this? She doesn't explain to me what she is going through. Just says I feel there are creatures in my head and its going to explode and she cant be nice to me because I have hurt her too much and I have to be nice to her because as soon as I say even One word that she didn't want to hear it reminds her of how I was before.
Please help.

[tickle]

Yes, your 'book' was to long. However I read enough to figure out you really must find your backbone in this relationship.

[Jake2008]

You are both abusive to each other. You are toxic together. All she does now to you, is what you did to her. It is hateful, and vengeful and dangerously close to somebody exploding. The two of you don't have even the slightest skill in communicating, nor can you see that the way you communicate is destructive. Problems keep building, resentment and anger keeps building, and both your lives are miserable, with nothing you've said to indicate that it can possibly get any better.

Why are you in this relationship? Why is she in this relationship? You have both set your standards of behavior so low that it has become an emotional battle ground with nothing ever getting worked out or worked on. Just what do you have together by way of mutual respect? Boundaries?

You seem to think that her being the way she is now, was caused by the way you were before the tables turned, and now you are the 'victim' of what you dished out to her. The two of you together are about not even slightly mature enough to realize there are serious problems here, very serious problems, that have even led to physical violence, that cannot be solved by continued abuse, from both sides. Things will keep going this way until somebody does explode into violence, or suicide, (as you've mentioned). That's where the two of you are heading.

She has taken 'control' as a way to protect herself from you losing control. It is better than being abused, and it works. You don't seem to understand that whether she is in control, or you are in control, the abuse, the anger, the resentment and all the negative emotions and you both spin around in your world without knowing which end is up. Nothing gets better. She took abuse from you, you take abuse from her. Where on earth do you think the relationship is heading?

Marriage isn't going to solve anything. And God forbid the two of you bring a child into the war you have going on.

My advice is to end it. You get on with your life, and let her get on with her life. Don't look back, and don't fall for another round of battle by going back to things, because they will be exactly the same.

You might consider counseling for yourself to address anger and control issues that, until addressed and understood, will prevent you from having any meaningful relationship in the future. If she were writing here, I would advise her the same way.

[J_9]

Is she your wife or your fiancé? I couldn't get through the entire novel you posted.

Toxic relationship either way. Time to end it before one of you goes to jail for domestic violence.

[talaniman]

Two unhealthy people equals one unhealthy relationship marriage. Either sit down and agree to boundaries of good behavior, or separate and work on your issues apart.

There is no quick fix to immature dysfunction, and obviously you both are unwilling to even try to get better. Separate counselling? Worth a try. Maybe you get it together enough to get couples help.

[praaji]

Thanks for the replies. I really appreciate.
Hadn't fought for 9 days now and I thought all was good until a small thing like 'i don't want to eat the take away food we bought now' led to another fight and physical again.

She doesn't want to leave me as she says she loves me and if I say I want to even stay away for a few hours, she threatens to end her life.
She keeps saying 'its just a temporary phase' and if I help it will pass. But I cant take it anymore.
She expects me to ' be calm and talk nice things to her' when she gets pissed and is abusing or hitting me.
I don't understand how the hell am I supposed to stay calm after just being abused or hit when I don't even know what exactly just happened that pissed her off.
I need help to make this work I still do love her.
The good days with her are really good. But I cant take the bad days anymore.
I don't want to leave her,I never even mention it.
She tells me to get out, get lost, leave her, etc. And AS SOON AS I AGREE she goes into another fit of anger that how come I listened to this now but cant listen to when she says talk nice things and be nice while she is abusing. And if she leaves I have to run after her, and if I don't, it blasts again.
I honestly just want it to be peaceful like it was.

I spoke to her some days back and she said that I was the reason partly but not completely for her to be like this . She is too frustrated inside because she doesn't have a job in her line of work, her university cancelled the course she was studying for 3-4 years in the last 6 months so she cant graduate from there anymore though she just had 6 months left. She was a dance teacher and when she took leave for our engagement she found out she wasn't a teacher anymore on returning and the school took her off teaching without even informing her. She had to go in to the school to teach and then reaches to find out her class wasn't happening anymore and the students were already informed. All of this happened in a span of 1-2 weeks in June.

She says she is trying to let go of everything I did too but when I fight with her it reminds her of how I was so I should just be calm and good even when she is fighting.

I don't want to leave. Please let me know if there is any other way of making this work?

[praaji]

She does not feel she is become like this.
She keeps calling it a temporary phase and says if I be kind and sweet to her even when she is abusive and angry She will get OK soon but I don't do that according to her expectations and timing.
She was never like this. Even her mum and dad or sisters have never seen this side of hers. And now she get irritated at the smallest things.
She doesn't want professional help (she has studied bio-med and hence doesn't want medication or doctors as she feels she knows exactly what is happening) and she feels she knows what she needs to become calm again (me being nice even when she is mad and physical) and she will get Ok ONLY IF I DO THAT.
She doesn't want to do it herself as she feels she cant. And has heard that depression cant be treated alone.
I don't want to end it. Is there any other way?

Two unhealthy people equals one unhealthy relationship marriage. Either sit down and agree to boundaries of good behavior, or separate and work on your issues apart.

There is no quick fix to immature dysfunction, and obviously you both are unwilling to even try to get better. Separate counselling? Worth a try. Maybe you get it together enough to get couples help.

[talaniman]

She finds a MUCH better way of managing her anger, and frustration, or she gets the hell out. No more hitting and abuse. NONE. That crosses the line of acceptable behavior, as does threatening to kill herself if you leave. She has to understand she may need more help with her issues than you can possibly give and are qualified to give, AND YOU CANNOT DO THIS ALONE.

Her way isn't working, and she needs to at least be willing to try yours, or she has to go, or you will. Maybe her family can help you convince her to try a better way for her own good,and yours. Refusing a simple doctor's visit is totally unreasonable, and no way do you allow her to wallow in her own self pity, and continue to lash out at YOU, and others. Make a stand, or keep falling for this BS.

Good luck guy, you are going to need it.

[joypulv]

The emotional mess is too much for me, so I will zero in on the financial side. She says she buys everything? What does that mean, since she isn't working - her parents? Do you work? Where does your income come from, if you contribute?
Studies of American couples have shown that money is the number one cause of fighting, not sex or jealousy or infidelity.

As for her depression, I could imagine depression based on circumstance - no job in her field, uncertain marriage that seems mostly long distance (confusing, because you say you went back to your country but all of a sudden she wants hugs), being on the cusp of her future about having children or not, and the clock is ticking, and last but not least, your financial contributions aren't equal. (I'd like to get into your awful behavior, but would rather keep it concrete for now.)

[praaji]

I have spoken to her and told her that I won't take it anymore and will separate if she does behave this way again. It just became worse with that and she started shouting and crying. But I spoke to her again in a different way and explained how both of us need to respect each other. Have ground rules and boundaries and now she has understood. And its been 4 days since we have fought majorly but just yesterday in a conversation which was hurting me as she wanted me to move away from my family house and get our own place because she feels that maybe she won't be comfortable there(but before our engagement she always said she would want to stay there) she called me an 'a**hole' again and I snapped back. I told her I'm not going to take her abuses anymore and if she is going to abuse then be ready to take it back as well and the topic ends and I walk out.
So she did calm down and it got OK.

I just feel that I kind of resent her sometimes and cant be fully open to her.
She has become everything I never wanted in my partner ( abusive, physical, disrespectful and worst of all ask me to leave my family house as she doesn't feel she can be fully comfortable there whereas she hasn't even stayed there yet after our engagement) . There are times when I just feel like leaving her even though now she says she is trying to change and deal with her own issues herself because of the crap I had to deal because of her 'depression' because of other issues.

Do people get over resentment without revenge ever? If yes, how?

[talaniman]

Say what you mean, and mean what you say, and you are just starting to do that my friend.

Try acknowledging the role you have played in this drama, and how you acted, and reacted, and you will find your own faults, and correct them. I doubt you are a victim, but a co conspirator in this relationship. It is unfair to place all the blame in what's happened on her, when you are still there, and allowing things to cross lines of good behavior. You could have left at anytime and stopped the bad behavior. YOU DID NOT!

Your dilemma as I see it is in resolution of the conflict of where you will live, and you both are stuck in positions you will not budge from. Your part is you will not leave your family, and she doesn't want to live with your family.

This brings resentments from BOTH of you. What, you think HER resentments are of less value than YOURS? Not only is where you live together a HUGE conflict, but a deal breaker as well for you both. LOL, I would have a growing sense of resentment too, my friend, especially if my DEMAND was rejected by my future partner, and would have removed myself from this whole situation.

It's simple but a difficult decision for you both, remove yourselves or change your positions, and neither of you is willing to do either. Compromise may not be possible, and that's at the heart of any GOOD relationship. Acceptance of that reality is how you deal with YOUR resentment of her.

Obviously it's more than her behavior you resent, but the fact she will not BUDGE from her position for you, BUT you won't budge either, which indicates LEAVE EACH OTHER ALONE!