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UCLA_1 · Sep 25, 2014, 02:24 PM

Ok, I'm feeling like a teenager...

I've been studying in the same spot at my University's library for the past five years. Last Monday afternoon, a guy came over and sat beside me in an empty seat. As I was getting ready to leave, I stood up to grab my bag and noticed that he was studying Arabic, which is my native language. Out of curiosity, I asked him what he was studying and he proceeded to tell me how he's studying International Studies with a concentration in the Middle East. He introduced himself to me and we ended up having a great conversation for at least 15 minutes before I excused myself and we said our goodbyes.

The next night, I was sitting in a nearby location and when I looked up, I saw him approaching me. I was surprised to see him to say the least but smiled and waved back out of politeness. When I went to grab something to eat from the vending machine an hour later, I noticed that he had been sitting beside me for the past hour without me even realizing it. When I got back to my seat, he took off his headphones and initiated conversation which lasted over an hour. Throughout the conversation, he kept repeating that he was 29 years of age and how he was "much older than me" even though I am a 26 year old graduate student (I didn't tell him my age, but I think he wanted to see my reaction), how he served in the Air Force and is now back in school ready to finish up his Bachelor's next Spring. In short, we talked about everything, laughed so much and I felt a strong connection between the two of us. He told me that it was "great seeing me" and walked out of the library with me even though he had only been there for an hour to study. Prior to saying goodbye, he asked me what time I usually get to the library and I told him around 7 pm. We carried on a short conversation before we went our separate ways (how he wants me to help him with his studying), and every time I'd try to go my own way, he'd drag on the conversation. Needless to say, there was tremendous chemistry and I felt like I was beginning to really like him.

The following day (Wednesday), I came in a little earlier than usual and around 7 pm, he walks in. Because my dad flew into town to visit me, I had to leave early and on my way out, I came over to say hello. Well, the conversation ended up lasting for three hours. Right before leaving, I told him that I was probably not going to come in the following day because I'd be busy and he told me that he'd be here all weekend anyway. I originally told him the day before that I worked weekends and couldn't study then, but said OK anyway and I didn't expect to see him for a while.

I didn't see him for about four days, and when I saw him this Sunday night, he looked very caught off guard when I went over to say hi. He told me that he was entrenched in this paper, how he had a lot of homework to do and seemed very aloof and distant. The entire time he kept rubbing his hair, scratching his eye and when I told him that I wouldn't bother him, he just kind of awkwardly smiled. I felt awkward and as though I was an inconvenience to him. He told me that my favorite seat had been taken and offered me to sit across him, but I told him I was going to the third floor to use a computer instead. We said goodbye, but I felt a very strange feeling from that conversation. Well, for the past three/four nights, I have not seen him come in at all. He told me that he's usually in the library regularly, but I can't help but think he's uninterested.

Do I have a right to feel disappointed? I know I don't know him well enough to know his circumstances, but could it be that I'm too much of a distraction, or was I just crazy in the beginning to think that there had been chemistry? He told me that he's always at the library because he can't study anywhere else, but with his unusual demeanor the other night and his absence, I can't help but feel like either I'm an inconvenience for him or that he just isn't interested or ever was to begin with.

smoothy · Sep 25, 2014, 02:45 PM

Most college students... really do take their study serious. And members of the opposite sex really are a serious distraction (speaking as someone who has been there and knows that to be a fact). Give the cost of tuition and books, they take it far more serious than those who have someone else pay their education costs. Even those who find classes to be easier than some others do. Maybe he came to remember that fact. Also, having been in the Military he has a far sense of discipline than someone who has never had to support themselves. Its also possible he does have a full time job to pay his bills and trying to take classes as well (even if the GI BIll is paying for the classes... its a very difficult task to do both also speaking as someone who did it both ways first two years living with mom, the second two years supporting myself but paying for college myself the entire time).

Focus on your studies... there will be plenty of time after you graduate. That's probibly exactly what he's thinking.

Jake2008 · Sep 26, 2014, 05:19 AM

It does seem a little odd that this new 'friend' was coming across as very friendly, and equally enjoyed long conversations with you, and like you, looked forward to the next conversation- then he suddenly retreated.

Think of it as a short and sweet connection, that shorted out. It doesn't exist anymore, and if it were to start up again, I'd be wondering if it was worth pursuing a friendship past a simple 'hello how have you been'- brief, and nothing more.

And I think that all of us have had those special connections in our lives, and then suddenly, it's gone, and you miss it, and wonder why it stopped.

There could never be an answer, or any understanding of what it really was, or why it happened, or if you did something wrong, or said something wrong, or any other number of things. Maybe you had spinach stuck between your teeth- who knows.

Best to just leave this one go, and move on and keep doing what you need to do to graduate.

joypulv · Sep 26, 2014, 05:57 AM

I'm a concrete person. I look for easily defined reasons for things.
In this situation, it's anybody's guess, but of course you are puzzled and a bit hurt. Good thing it didn't go further.
So what I would do is chalk it up to SOMETHING concrete, and I might pick that he is only interested in what you might do for him to help him in his studies. Brutal and quick. I might even embellish that with a fantasy that he is either in the CIA or training for it. No emotional attachments! How's that for a little relief from pain?

I'm the kind of person who would wait a week and then walk up to him and say "I was a little hurt at first, but since you are going into the CIA, I changed my mind too" and then just laugh and walk away, instantly. He can either chase you down to protest or he can shrug it off. Done.

Of course I could be WAY OFF. There's a good possibility that after the 3 hour long conversation, he realized how easy it would be to let his studies suffer, pretty much what others said above. Another concrete reason, not so brutal.

Fr_Chuck · Sep 26, 2014, 06:01 AM

At some point, did you get a phone number?

Of course, it appears there was something, but, seems after a couple meetings, someone would have talked to each other a lot more

UCLA_1 · Sep 26, 2014, 09:04 AM

Haha no I didn't receive any number or anything. I just mentioned how I was going to be absent on Thursday and he reassuringly said that he'd be here "all weekend." But when I saw him Sunday night, my interaction with him was just different than the previous interactions. He asked about my weekend, how "dad is doing" and told me that he had been in the library all weekend. He even mentioned how it was "nice and quiet" and got a lot of work done. We had a huge football game so I thought that's what he meant by "nice and quiet" (people were watching the game instead), but now I wouldn't even be surprised if it was an indirect jab. And he told me that he doesn't have the time to have a job because he's just too busy with school.

And as far as helping him with his studies, I offered to help him with his reading and he said that he was "too embarrassed to even try" in front of me.

Lol. So disappointing :/

smoothy · Sep 26, 2014, 09:29 AM

Things like this happen.. maybe he was just being nice and pleasant... but wasn't really interested in anything more. For example.. I'm nice to everyone who is nice towrds me. Even when I was single... it didn't mean I was attracted to them or wanted more, if I wasn't it didn't mean anything derogatory towards them, just that I didn't feel a spark for some reason (sometimes it was looks, other times it was something about their personality or how they talked). Even if we did have nice conversations.

Only he knows his reasons..I'm just tossing out a few from a guys perspective.

talaniman · Sep 26, 2014, 10:11 AM

You shouldn't be too disappointed, or take whatever went on personally because these are the mysterious ways of strangers at an initial meeting. His actions probably have NOTHING to do with you, and he knows as much about your true feelings, as you know of his... which is a big NOTHING! Of course you are a bit disappointed that you wanted a bit more, but didn't get it at this time for whatever reasons. Happens all the time with busy people who have their own lives.

Its shouldn't surprise you at all that two strangers could have chemistry and connect from the start which is common with human, but life brought you together for a brief time, and now has taken you apart before more can be learned, shared, or revealed and that's okay as long as you don't sink into taking it personally by making it ALL about you.

Just accept it as a pleasant, short, distraction in a routine of your life, and keep it in the proper perspective. Fantasy is okay as long as it doesn't cloud the reality, and what if's only fuel the fantasy that YOU seem to have created. I guess it is a little disappointing to be teased with the possibilities, but don't get carried away and stuck on it too long. So don't get carried away, and stuck on this brief event in your life. I doubt you will for very long as you in time deal with that disappointment.

It was rather fun while it lasted though wasn't it? I think we all hate to let go of a feel good moment. Only natural for those moments to linger in our minds until reality comes back into focus.

It will.

DoulaLC · Sep 26, 2014, 03:44 PM

Maybe you are over thinking it. After all, he did invite you to sit across from him. He also mentioned that he was entrenched in his work. Perhaps he thought you were uninterested when you didn't take him up on the offer.

If you see him again, just acknowledge how busy you have both been, but that you really enjoyed talking with him and maybe he'd like to meet for coffee or something when he has some free time and would like a break from school work.

UCLA_1 · Sep 26, 2014, 06:30 PM

So I went to the library a moment ago after work to grab something from the basement. On my towards the stairwell, I passed by the circulation desk and saw him checking out something from the "2 hour loan" section. I kept walking and when I got to the stairwell, I quickly glanced back and thought he glanced over (not sure because I didn't have my glasses on) but kept going down the stairwell. When I got back up towards the area where I normay sit at, he wasn't there. So yes (naturally), I'm now beginning to think he is avoiding me.

talaniman · Sep 26, 2014, 08:11 PM

You seem to be avoiding him too.

joypulv · Sep 27, 2014, 03:39 AM

Now you are getting coy. Understandable this early in getting to know someone.

If you can't be direct about it, maybe saying something like "I have a feeling I got too hopeful about a friendship, sorry, but I'll get over it," then just do your best to put it all out of your mind. If he wants to talk again it's up to him now.

DoulaLC · Sep 27, 2014, 04:18 AM

Again, it's possible that he saw you look at him, even saw that you noticed he was likely looking at you, and yet you kept walking away... without even a wave or smile. Why didn't you go up to him and say "Hi"? His response may have put your wondering to rest one way or the other.

I'd definitely say something the next time that you see him.

UCLA_1 · Sep 28, 2014, 08:00 AM

I guess you're right. Perhaps it's just a misunderstanding for the two of us. But I still don't understand why he feels the need to change his seat. Is that how guys react when they think someone is uninterested? To be continued...

joypulv · Sep 28, 2014, 08:09 AM

'Is that how guys react when they think....'
WHOA! No generalizations apply here.
All sorts of alarms go off when a man or woman asks such a question. It shows that you think that men think a certain way (and women a certain way).

In 3 seconds I could think of 3 reasons why he might have changed after that 3 hour conversation. I mentioned 1. Others mentioned some too. You seem to jump right over them. Here's another: you said you had to leave because your father was in town, yet you stayed for 3 hours. If my father was in town, I sure wouldn't get up to go see him and then sit and talk for 3 hours. So maybe he didn't believe you, and started wondering if there was a boyfriend! That's far fetched, but ALL scenarios are, because you don't KNOW the truth. The point is that if you don't feel that you are at a stage where you can find out what he's thinking, then you have to force yourself to stop this obsessing. Unless you are willing to stick your neck out, this is all just another relationship that didn't quite happen, and you and we are all spinning our wheels. (I sincerely hope that 'to be continued' doesn't consist of yet more cryptic behavior that we are supposed to interpret.)

talaniman · Sep 28, 2014, 08:22 AM

Don't make this into a soap opera drama with all this speculation, assuming and presuming. Just relax and go with the flow and see what happens while you go about your business. I think you are making this far bigger of a deal than it should be and should temper your expectations so you won't be disappointed, or confused.

You should have just asked when you saw him what was up with him. You didn't, so you can not know.

tickle · Sep 28, 2014, 09:22 AM

Originally Posted by UCLA_1

So I went to the library a moment ago after work to grab something from the basement. On my towards the stairwell, I passed by the circulation desk and saw him checking out something from the "2 hour loan" section. I kept walking and when I got to the stairwell, I quickly glanced back and thought he glanced over (not sure because I didn't have my glasses on) but kept going down the stairwell. When I got back up towards the area where I normay sit at, he wasn't there. So yes (naturally), I'm now beginning to think he is avoiding me.

From all you have said it appears he is really serious about his studies. He wasn't there because he was busy and going on his way. When you looked back and thought he looked at you, why didn't you give him a friendly wave ?

You really don't have too much experience with men in relationships do you. You are over thinking everything and not just doing something probably because you don't want to look silly or needy. Throw caution to the wind and ask him out for a coffee for heaven sake !

UCLA_1 · Sep 29, 2014, 10:43 AM

DoulaLC brought up an interesting point to which I was commenting on. This is a public forum which is addressing a specific concern that I have considering I don't have all the answers out there and appreciate outside feedback. Forgive me if I was curious about something which started as (somewhat) promising and transcended into something more ambiguous. I'm a fulltime grad student who works up to 30 hours a week. I promise you I have a life outside of this forum and a boy.

And tickle, I've had some mileage in the past. Perhaps it's my experiences from before that cause me to get a bit anxious or have thought contamination when it comes to anything relationship-wise.

talaniman · Sep 29, 2014, 11:24 AM

I think you are just afraid to be more disappointed by making a move that brings you better understanding of what he thinks. I think maybe you both are reluctant to be more forthcoming about revealing interest even by a simple acknowledgement in seeing each other.

That's always the danger of not knowing your own feelings, or his, as we fill in the blanks of what we don't know with our own fears or insecurities. How else would you explain seeing each other, and not saying "hello, how are you?"? Yes maybe you both may have had experiences that have contaminated your thought, and SCARED to take a risk. Admit it, your disappointment is that he was not more aggressive showing you more interest.

Didn't even say hello, or sit next to you. Maybe your contaminated thoughts didn't allow you to throw some crumbs for him to follow either. Never know without that extra courage to find out for sure... then be disappointed. Until you admit to yourself why you were disappointed by his (NON) actions, how will you deal with it?

I know how you have a busy life besides this BOY, but you asked if you had a right to be disappointed, and I ask you now, WHY? What could he have done to make you feel not disappointed? What could YOU have done if you weren't so (thought) contaminated (AFRAID!)?

dontknownuthin · Sep 29, 2014, 05:07 PM

Sure, you can be disappointed - feel what you feel. We can't know why his interest in you cooled. If you see him again, you could try to find out. Otherwise, chalk it up to some pleasant talks that just didn't become more. It is more rewarding to appreciate good things you get than lament that they weren't something different. You will have other college flirtations, so just be open and life will be fun.