[busymomma2013]

Hey everyone. I know that I have always called my significant other my hubby on AMHD, but we were never married. Just together for 11 years and we have a 5 year old boy who will be starting kindergarten in the fall.

As every couple who has been together as long as us, we have had our ups and downs. But we always seemed to work through them with no major fall outs.

But as of Saturday, August 5th 2014 that has changed.

My boyfriend has decided that he needs a break and asked that I leave his home.

I respected what he asked of me and packed and overnight bag for our son and myself. We stayed at my parents.

Sunday I asked if I should get more of our things or if he was ready to talk. He told me that he needs time to himself and there was basically nothing to talk about.

Our son and myself have been staying at my moms since Saturday. My boyfriend has made more than a effort to come see our son and take him to hang out with him in this short period. He has not been mean about anything, but he will not tell me what is going on.

I ask him if this is long term or something short term, because our son is starting kindergarten in September and I have him enrolled in a school that is connected to my bfs address and if we are not living with him I will need to figure out what school I need to enroll him in. My boyfriend can not give me an answer, he says I don't know I just need time.

So I am leaving him alone. Giving him time.

But what should I do? I am sad, mad, hurt, and confused, but stying strong for my little man.

Thanks

[Alty]

This situation sucks.

How long have you lived together? Frankly, if he needs time, he should be the one moving out. The fact that he asked you and your son to move out, well, I have a few words to call him that I can't say on AMHD. But really, he's only thinking of himself right now, that's obvious.

I would say "Go ahead and think all you want, but I'm moving back in with our son so his life isn't disrupted, and he's starting school in September, and you can move out! When you're done thinking, we'll talk. But I'm not changing my life, or my sons, because you suddenly need alone time! Man up!"

Sorry, but I'm mad for you, and boy would I like a few words with your boyfriend!

(((((hugs)))))

[joypulv]

First things first - your son is also his and he needs to be part of the kindergarten arrangements. I would leave things the way they are for now, because regardless of where YOU end up, your son can still be considered living with his father. And you two should be talking about shared parenting. It is not stepping on his dainty sensibilities to insist on talking concrete arrangements for school and living and finances.
Unfortunately, because you aren't married to him, you can't just demand to move back in to his house. You could make him take your son, but I assume you don't want to do that.

Second, I took a quick peek at some past posts, and can't really find a clue about what's going on with him - BUT maybe your side of the family is around too much? I read about the 2 boys tussling and the history you have with your brother and his wife, the daily 'job' babysitting for them and their criticism, and so on... it did seem like there is 'too much' emotionally exhausting stuff going on. I got weary just reading about each incident. Maybe your boyfriend needs a break from your FAMILY??
That's my hope anyway.

Ask for a timed sit down to discuss your son. Start at 7, end at 7:30. You could even meet in a coffee shop and leave your son at home.
If you can get in one question at the end about cutting back on your family being around by 98%, see what he says!

[Alty]

I didn't read past posts. From what Joy posted, this may be the issue.

Time to sit down and talk this out, see what you two, as a couple, can do to fix this relationship.

[busymomma2013]

I have tried to get him to talk to me. All he can say is that he doesn't know. I let him know that our son is my number one priority and that I need to know what is happening for the sake of him.

But he just says that he doesn't know what he wants to do.

[Jake2008]

I don't think that we can blame your family as causing your boyfriends unknown problem.

After 11 years and a child together, he should be able to at least talk. He should have been talking before he booted you and his son out. That is so cruel and unwarranted under any circumstances. If you chose to leave because he was abusive, that's one thing, but he kicked you out. What kind of man would do that.

Maybe check with a lawyer and find out what you can do legally. I am in Canada, and it isn't too many years of living together, for a common law spouse to receive some fair compensation, and child support of course. You probably have assets together after all these years, and so many matters of finances come into play that are shared- insurance, health benefits, vehicles, credit cards, etc. I wouldn't wait too long until seeking the advice of a lawyer to make sure that you are informed as to what you can reasonably expect, and what you need to do to protect yourself.

Because your boyfriend cannot seem to get his act together, even out of respect and consideration toward you, I hope you don't delay in getting good advice on how to proceed.

My gut tells me someone else is in the picture- is that possible? Has it crossed your mind? All the more reason to be as prepared as you can if happens.

You are lucky you have a place to go! Had you not had your mother and father to take you and your son in, you could have ended up in a shelter.

Time to get moving, even if it all turns out, you and your son have to be your only priorities right now.

[smoothy]

Along with what everyone else has said... I'd be looking at options to protect yourself and your son financially.

Starting with if you might be able to claim a common law marriage (its not recognised everywhere and requirements vary greatly where it is).

And don't hesitate to go after child support if it doesn't work out in the end.

[talaniman]

How are your finances since I note you just bought a house, and have been fighting over money. I know you have been with this fellow for 11 years, but being kicked out because he has issues whatever they are, should certainly make you see that being able to stand on your own should be YOUR priority. I mean a guy that won't talk, and hasn't given a clue as to what's on his mind, yet takes such drastic disruptive steps with his family is not one to be counted on no matter what your heart tells you.

Lets start with those finances, and take an honest look at what you know about your shared money and interests. I find it weird that it's HIS house after 11 years together.

[busymomma2013]

Well, I do not have a job at this point in time. I have been a stay at home mom.

I did all the cooking and cleaning and whatever else.

Yes, I have thought that there might be someone else. I asked him point blank and he told me no. But I suppose that dose not mean anything. He has never given me any reason to not trust him though.

He told me that he is tired of my nagging and ing. That is his reason for the break.

I am still trying to figure the rest of it out.

I asked about the car that I am currently driving. It is in his name. I asked him when we were going to put it in my name and he said just wait just wait... I am so confused!

[joypulv]

So he DID give a reason! You've been saying he won't talk or say why, yet now you say he said he is tired of your nagging and ----ing. How you can act like that isn't "it?" How you can say you are trying to figure the rest of it out? What rest of it?

You write and sound like a very reasonable person. Yet this issue seems to have whooshed right over your head as though it can't possibly matter. It DOES.

I lived with a quiet father and a mother who never stopped talking, complaining, nagging, arguing, and shouting. And I've seen it countless other times.

I'm not going to say that he is right and you are wrong, especially when he isn't here and we know nothing about him, or how you two interact. But if this relationship is important to you, then I would sit down and absolutely force yourself to curb 90% of anything remotely negative that comes out of your mouth. Don't promise him that; put it into effect. Then in a week say that you've been working on it and ask him if he noticed. I know you aren't together, so this will have to be when you meet about your son's future.

[Oliver2011]

At some point the need for escape from the drama outweighs the positives of the relationship, at least in his mind. Drama-free relationships are so much better and the way my partner and I live our daily lives.

[talaniman]

If he went through the trouble of kicking you out and needing time and space, I would take him at his word and plan for being without him for some time and that includes where your son goes to school, and you having your own means of support as well as plan on making sure he supports his son.

These things don't just happen out of the blue, its most likely a slow grind over time. While we hope for the best, we PLAN for the worst. That's my suggestion, plan for the worst, and give him time, and space for now.

I have no doubt he feels he is carrying the whole load, has for a while, and is sick of it. Why else would you kick out a partner of 11 years after you have bought a house last year (in his name only??)? Do what you have to for yourself, and your son without him.

If things do get better you can adjust later, but it won't happen overnight, or next week, or maybe not next month. A more permanent parenting plan can be worked out later but for now, it's entirely on you to get it together after this HUGE and unexpected life changing event.

You are probably in complete shock and need some time and space for YOURSELF! Take it before you make a decision, or take any actions. You have to figure a guy who would disrupt his family this way, is capable of causing much more DISRUPTION. Being practical, this may well take YEARS to finally resolve, and that's how you should approach it.

[busymomma2013]

Thank you all!

We are still living at my mom and dads.

Things are still rough, but I am starting to come to terms.

He has also informed me that it IS OVER. So, now I can move one and figure our my next steps to better the life for our son and me.

I am enrolling D in the school that is close to my parents.

I have stepped up and explained to D what is happening between his father and I. I told D that no matter what, his Dad and I love him the same. He seems to be doing okay for now.

Like I said Thank you!!

[tickle]

Wow, good that you got the disruption sorted out and can now move forward. I had some advice to give before I read your last post. And that was, plan for the long term, get your son enrolled in a school near your parents home. Get your own life in order along with your son. Be happy in your decision. This is not the end of the road for you. Good things happen to people who can take charge of their lives.

Tick

[busymomma2013]

Yes, I need to move on.

Now I am working on getting my son enrolled in school so he can go to Kinder Round Up. And I am also working on getting a job that can support my son and I.

I had a talk with my ex and let him know that now that he has told me it is over, I will be coming and getting the rest of my belongings. Which is not a whole lot of stuff because I do not want to start any arguments over who owns what stuff. I informed him that I would be taking my clothes, toiletries, dishes and wall pictures. He got a little upset about the pictures because he believes that they are his. So, I just told him to take them. I would take the ones that were not framed and get my own frames for them.

I also let him know that we need to figure out a parenting plan. He of course wants to try to everything without legal involvement, and I know why. They would take a lot of money from him... So, I am willing to try. But as of now, he is not really letting me know when he is taking our son or when he brings him back.

For example; he took him on Saturday after work. Got to my parents at 3pm. Didn't leave my parents until 4pm, which was weird because I was prepared for him to just pick our son up and leave. Before he left I asked him when he was planning on bringing him home and he just said I will call you.

Then I got a phone call from him a couple of hours later, he wanted to know how to pay his bills. So, I walked him through it.

Before we got off the phone he told me that I do not need to start looking for my own place right away. I said that yes I do. And then he continued to tell me that this doesn't mean that we might not ever get back together.

That is why I get so confused. He tells me it is over then says it doesn't mean we might not get back together. I just said bye.

Regardless of what he says, I can not sit around and wait. It is not healthy for my son or myself. I need to get my stuff together for US.

I guess I need to experience individuality.

Still going to be difficult at first, but I know I can do it without him..

[talaniman]

You have done well to look out for you and your sons interest despite what he says. Do not hesitate to use the court for child support, and visitations issues either, because that's part of a structured parenting plan, that brings certainty to YOUR future plans, and saves a lot of hassles, and future conflicts.

Sorry you are going through this, but am glad to see you are being realistic and practical, and very pragmatic in your approach and outlook to what has to be a very difficult situation for anyone to go through.

Much luck BM, and any help you may need, just ask.

[smoothy]

If you don't go after support NOW... you are going to lose out on that money because they don't give it retroactively before you ask to get it. I think he knows that so every month that's delayed, and a money he won't have to pay it.

If you can show a common law marriage and its accepted where you live....that means support for you, adn if you go after child support, thats support for your child...and THAT you will get in any part of the country....and in fact most of the world. But its not going to start until you go after it.

[J_9]

It is imperative that you set support and visitation in a legal manner so as to protect you and your son.

[busymomma2013]

That is what everyone keeps saying.

I feel if I do that, It will drowned him in bills. As he is a new home owner and his mortgage payment is off the charts. Not to mention other bills on top of that. So, I feel if I do it all legally there is a possibility that he may not be able to afford his home. I do not want to take another thing away from my son. If that makes sense to you.

[J_9]

It makes sense, but remember that this was something he chose to do. All choices have consequences, even more so as adults. That's not meant to be facetious, just truthful.

Your son son is your number one priority right now and right now without your parents, where would you be? Without that legal document he could change his mind at any time. Then where would you be?

What you are proposing with the house and the bilks is very admirable. You seem to be handling this in a very mature manner, but you need to protect your son. He is what is most important right now. You can't protect him unless you do it legally.