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    SimsDiamond's Avatar
    SimsDiamond Posts: 4, Reputation: 2
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    #1

    Aug 6, 2014, 05:35 AM
    How do I accept my dad moving on - moving into girlfriend's house
    My parents have been divorced for almost 8 years now and I am 16, I am fine with them being divorced and I am happy how it has worked out. I live a week with each parent before I change houses which is great as I get to spend equal amount of time with both of my parents.

    A little while ago my Dad announced he is going to move in with his girlfriend. I do like her but it has made me upset. I have a really good relationship with my dad but I am pretty lonely when my dad and his girlfriend spend time together (I am an only child). She has two older daughters as well which is fine (they don't live at home) and a younger grandson, when I am at her place I feel pretty isolated as nobody talks to me (this is fine for short periods but I am worried about it 24/7).

    I am going into year 12 next year, which is a pretty important year and I am really focused at school and I really want to get good grades, I am aiming for an exhibition prize (top 0.05% of the state) in one of my subjects. This move makes it really difficult for me to continue with my good grades as my dad's girlfriend lives 50 minutes away from my school, because it is also her house I feel like I can't really feel comfortable in my own home, small stuff like getting some food from the fridge is a struggle as I feel like I am intruding (which I kind of am in their lives). I am also pretty shy so that doesn't help.

    There are a few other problems as well

    I was wondering if anyone has any advice on how to accept my dad moving on, and/ or how to make things slightly easier when we do move in. I have tried talking to my dad but I don't want him to see how upset I am and understand he needs to be happy. I also don't want to be more of a burden then I already seem to be.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #2

    Aug 6, 2014, 05:40 AM
    It may take some time but make an effort to talk to is girlfriend about some of your concerns. I think once the two of you get on the same page, and get use to each other, then there is a better chance that you both can be more comfortable.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert
     
    #3

    Aug 6, 2014, 06:01 AM
    I am sorry you are in this spot. With your dad simply announcing his plans to move to his girlfriends house, it doesn't seem like he has been sensitive enough with your needs, to consider the ramifications of that, even if he had talked to you before he made the 'announcement', it would have given you an opportunity to talk to him about your concerns.

    It seems that you are a very considerate kid to the changing life of your father, and his girlfriend. I don't hear complaints, but I do hear concerns that are very valid.

    With you heading into grade 12, it will be a problem to live so far from the school. I am assuming that if you stayed closer to school with your mother, t it would be easier for you to concentrate the important year ahead. Your priorities are different than your fathers, and considering your age, and your needs, it might be time to do a little negotiating.

    Speak to your mother and see if you can't stay full time at home with her, and visit your father on more holidays and weekends. If your parents are on speaking terms, maybe a little meeting with all three of you can work something out that is more suitable for you. You could also speak to your father if this is okay with your mother, and let him know this is what you need to do, to ensure you reach your school goals.

    As to him moving on, and out of the home you shared with him, into her home, this will make it more difficult for you for all the reasons you have said. It would be a different story if you were eight years old, but, you are older, and planning your future, and your needs and wants should be considered far more seriously.

    You can do nothing but accept the situation he has decided to put you in. I certainly understand why you would feel uncomfortable in her home, it is a home that belongs to her, and now the two of them together, and you probably feel like a fifth wheel. Decisions are being made for you, when you are now mature enough to understand the ramifications of their decisions.

    Maybe it is time to make your own decisions, and at least try to make changes that are more suitable, and workable for you. Concentrate on facts, not emotions. Make school your priority, and talk to them so they understand it will be their priority as well. If it is agreeable for you to stay with your mom, and visit with your dad when you can, so that you have the best chance of achieving your school goals, that very reasonable request should succeed.

    That way, you won't also have the burden of two weeks a month, in a home, that you are uncomfortable in. It doesn't even need to be brought up. If you are spending less time there, it will be more tolerable for you. Feeling like a guest in their home, is very different from feeling grounded with just your dad, with just him, in his home.

    I hope you get lots and lots of replies to your situation that may very well be better than what I've offered. That this has happened before the new school year starts, means there is time for you to make positive changes, and ease the stress level, so that when you return to school, you can do what you need to do.
    SimsDiamond's Avatar
    SimsDiamond Posts: 4, Reputation: 2
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    #4

    Aug 6, 2014, 06:57 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Jake2008 View Post
    I am sorry you are in this spot. With your dad simply announcing his plans to move to his girlfriends house, it doesn't seem like he has been sensitive enough with your needs, to consider the ramifications of that, even if he had talked to you before he made the 'announcement', it would have given you an opportunity to talk to him about your concerns.

    It seems that you are a very considerate kid to the changing life of your father, and his girlfriend. I don't hear complaints, but I do hear concerns that are very valid.

    With you heading into grade 12, it will be a problem to live so far from the school. I am assuming that if you stayed closer to school with your mother, t it would be easier for you to concentrate the important year ahead. Your priorities are different than your fathers, and considering your age, and your needs, it might be time to do a little negotiating.

    Speak to your mother and see if you can't stay full time at home with her, and visit your father on more holidays and weekends. If your parents are on speaking terms, maybe a little meeting with all three of you can work something out that is more suitable for you. You could also speak to your father if this is okay with your mother, and let him know this is what you need to do, to ensure you reach your school goals.

    As to him moving on, and out of the home you shared with him, into her home, this will make it more difficult for you for all the reasons you have said. It would be a different story if you were eight years old, but, you are older, and planning your future, and your needs and wants should be considered far more seriously.

    You can do nothing but accept the situation he has decided to put you in. I certainly understand why you would feel uncomfortable in her home, it is a home that belongs to her, and now the two of them together, and you probably feel like a fifth wheel. Decisions are being made for you, when you are now mature enough to understand the ramifications of their decisions.

    Maybe it is time to make your own decisions, and at least try to make changes that are more suitable, and workable for you. Concentrate on facts, not emotions. Make school your priority, and talk to them so they understand it will be their priority as well. If it is agreeable for you to stay with your mom, and visit with your dad when you can, so that you have the best chance of achieving your school goals, that very reasonable request should succeed.

    That way, you won't also have the burden of two weeks a month, in a home, that you are uncomfortable in. It doesn't even need to be brought up. If you are spending less time there, it will be more tolerable for you. Feeling like a guest in their home, is very different from feeling grounded with just your dad, with just him, in his home.

    I hope you get lots and lots of replies to your situation that may very well be better than what I've offered. That this has happened before the new school year starts, means there is time for you to make positive changes, and ease the stress level, so that when you return to school, you can do what you need to do.
    Thanks Jake2008, this was such a nice reply and I think I will take some of your advice. I think I will see how it goes and make changes if it is necessary but hopefully it will work out OK.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert
     
    #5

    Aug 6, 2014, 08:09 AM
    You sound very mature to me, and you're handling this all very well.

    Even that you are being aware of situations and relationships within your family circle, makes it easier because you are not reacting in anger, or fear, or insecurity. You are doing a very good job.

    Best of luck to you, and wishing you success at school this year!

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