[thematriarch]

I raised 3 children alone. They did not suffer for my single situation, I ran a business, worked 7 days a week at least 14 hrs per day for about 16 years. The kids had enough of everything, and I never discussed my difficulties with them. I made sure their needs were always met, a comfortable home, lots to eat, decent clothes, vacation trips in our home area whenever summer holidays came. I spent little to no money on myself during these years, I paid the bills, ran my business, kept up with all the shenanigans that teenagers put you through, and finally they all grew up. Two out of the 3 are doing absolutely fabulous. They live far away from me, but keep in touch almost daily, the youngest child, a son, is now 33 and refuses to grow up. He runs his own business, however he does not work steadily and is always either broke, hungry or owing money he can't pay. He has become extremely abusive toward me these last years. I could go on and on, but in a nutshell, he refuses to take responsibility for his own life. I have been the master of his demise if you could hear it from him. I am seeking a liaison with other mothers that are experiencing the same abuse. I need to move forward and let the chips fall where they may for him. I am turning 65 this December and do not want to continue on this path. I am finding it is now affecting my health and I cannot sleep or concentrate when he comes to my home and smashes something, or does damages that I do not find for several days. Please help me get past this abusive time and move onto some good years in the future. I still live alone and am not looking for anyone to step into this mess.

[Wondergirl]

Why do you allow him into your home if you know he is abusive and destructive?

[smearcase]

Alcohol or other substances a possibility?

[joypulv]

I think in general that when a child blames a parent for his failures, it's best to break 99% of contact and to be very specific about the 1%. Is it possible that you were bailing him out at first, and he counted on it? Or you helped him start his business, and he thinks you should continue?
Some of this might just be birth order and the subtle ways that parent and child interacted in it early on. More might be where he stands in regard to the business recession, if he never really had a chance to succeed. A lot probably has to do with the comparison with his older siblings, even in his own mind.

Tell him he can't come over except for major holidays, 3 times a year. No funds either. Tell him you love him and hope he can stop blaming you. The end!

[thematriarch]

I think in general that when a child blames a parent for his failures, it's best to break 99% of contact and to be very specific about the 1%. Is it possible that you were bailing him out at first, and he counted on it? Or you helped him start his business, and he thinks you should continue?
Some of this might just be birth order and the subtle ways that parent and child interacted in it early on. More might be where he stands in regard to the business recession, if he never really had a chance to succeed. A lot probably has to do with the comparison with his older siblings, even in his own mind.

Tell him he can't come over except for major holidays, 3 times a year. No funds either. Tell him you love him and hope he can stop blaming you. The end!

Thank you for your insight. I know there are steps that can be taken, as you have described, and I must do this. I think part of keeping the door open is because he does not have anyone else in proximity that is his family. His father lives in London UK, my 2 other children live far away, and they do not agree or support his unstable lifestyle, so they are not willing to offer even a lengthy phone conversation. I believe the feeling that he is alone if I am not available is part of my problem. I must work that out.

[joypulv]

He breaks things and is mean to you because he despises HIMSELF for depending on you. You will be doing him a favor by drawing a very clear line in the sand.