[Jake2008]

My son and his wife are going to be parents, in early February of next year. This is their first baby.

My son has hinted about my cigarette smoking. I never smoke, even in my own home, when there are non-smokers present. I am extremely considerate in every circumstance to the needs of others.

I would never dream of smoking around a baby.

The last couple of conversations with my son, have been leading up to what he finally said tonight, and that was, "do you know mom, that 'they' say that a baby shouldn't even be in the home of a smoker". And that would be whether there is smoking, or not going on.

Them having a baby, is wonderful news. But, them expecting me to quit, or not see the baby, is a little extreme.

Am I out of line?

I told him that it would be their choice of course, not to visit me with the baby, and I would accept that. I suspect that if I were a hoarder, or a drunk, or lived on take-out food, it would result in no visits as well.

Suggestions?

[J_9]

Can you not go to their house to visit? Must they come to yours?

It is also recommended that people who do smoke outside to change their clothes prior to holding baby. Smoke lingers on the clothing.

Unfortunately, it is their right, as parents, to put such conditions when considering the health of their baby. Some expectant couples go to extremes until their baby is a bit older and they are used to having the child around. My niece wouldn't take any of her children in public until they were 6 or 7 months old. That included Church and her father is the preacher.

As a smoker myself, I understand your dilemma.

[DoulaLC]

Congrats!

I like J's suggestion... visit them at their home, and let them know that you have changed clothing prior to going over. At some point, family get-togethers can be held at a park or some other location once in awhile. Smoke that lingers in curtains, carpet, upholstery, etc, is considered third-hand smoke, and is considered unhealthy as well... especially for babies and young children. If, by chance, quitting was something you have thought about before, perhaps the baby will be a helpful catalyst.

I did several weeks of overnight postpartum support for a family who had been in one of my newborn care classes for their first and only child. This mother was very cautious. She would sometimes apologize, but I told her, "Your baby, your rules....do whatever makes you feel comfortable". She did not want me to wear any make-up because I would be holding the baby. I kept my hair tied back away from baby. She did not want bare feet in the house where he'd be crawling, so I wore slippers. These were just a few of the things she wanted. One of my daughters later was a nanny for them and she followed the same "rules". When he was a toddler, the mother did relax a bit... :-)

[teacherjenn4]

It's their child, so I'd go visit at their home. I'd keep the peace any way you can. Congratulations!

[Jake2008]

Thanks for all the answers. Makes me feel a bit better about this whole thing.

I will visit them more often, although it will be costly with a train and a hotel room.

I will keep the peace, and respect their wishes, and I've emailed them that I won't question any standard they choose for their baby.

We'll see how this all turns out in about six months time!

[J_9]

Jake, you are the expert. If this were another member, what you advise? You always have such wise and sage advice.

[Jake2008]

I have tried putting on my 'other' hat, and thinking about things critically and honestly and got caught up in the emotions. That's a good question J9.

What would I say to another person with this problem.

I'd probably say, don't be critical or argumentative with the soon to be new parents, over rules they have set- such as people who smoke. As hard as it is not to feel hurt and confused and disrespected, keep those feelings to yourself.

You make the rules in your home, and make the choices you want to make, but they make the rules in their home, and make the choices they want to make.

As the posts have said, eventually things will even out, and their need for a babysitter in your clean home while they go on a quick vacation, will temper the, at the moment, criticism.

Don't make waves, be kind and considerate, as you have always been, and allow for compromise- eventually.

J9- you made me smile and I feel MUCH better.

((((( hugs to all! )))))

[J_9]

This is always so hard. Especially when it's the first grandchild and you are so excited, but feel criticized and chastised for something you have done for years. It's like a smack in the face. I understand your pain, and truly expect the same stipulations when my daughter eventually becomes a mother.

Its t's very hard not to feel hurt and disrespected, but in truth (remember I am a smoker too), our addiction is not only unhealthy for us, but for those around us as well. I feel like such a hypocrite when I do my discharge teaching to my mothers who smoke or have family members who smoke.

Right now they are jumping on all of the education that is being given to them. They are making choices based on this education without giving thought to how their words might impact family dynamics. They may lighten up in time, but do not be hurt if they don't. This isn't about you as a mother/grandmother. It is about "our" unhealthy habit.

[Jake2008]

Yes, true. No doubt it is an unhealthy habit.

My husband quit, and started up again, and quit and started up again, a thousand times. He's sometimes gone as long as two years, but relies on the Nicorette gum to keep him from smoking. I actually bought an electronic 'cigarette', and used that when I visited my sister a few months ago. It did the trick- temporarily.

I know that I have to do something about quitting. Just don't like the feeling that my choosing to smoke, is used as a hammer against me. The roles have been reversed here and I feel like a teenager who keeps breaking curfew.

He's coming home this weekend to drop off his dog for me to care for for a month. Where they live is too hot for the little Boston's in August, so he's staying with us because we are in a cooler climate close to a lake. I'll talk to him again about this and see if they can't compromise. But, you're right about the information they get- which is much more up to date and it's all good information about keeping a baby safe and healthy.

We'll see how it goes.

[J_9]

You made me laugh. Yes, it does feel like we are teens getting caught breaking curfew! I never thought of it that way until now.

I have to attend a class some 50 miles from home on Sunday. My car is on it's last leg. Here in Tennessee temps can get up to 100, and the AC in my car died. I have to take the daughter's car to class on Sunday. Her words to me were "Mom, you know the rules about smoking in my car." Talk about role reversal!

Make it a habit to smoke outside all the time. Maybe invest in carpet and upholstery cleaning. Talk to your son. See if the two of you can compromise in one way or another. Let him know you understand his concerns and are supportive of his decisions as a father/parent.

[talaniman]

Damn brats! You were okay when you raised them, but now they think they know better. Let them tripout and learn, it's their first and don't take it personally. They will make mistakes, as did we, and do better as we did. It's a learning process for them Jake, they are still growing and learning so don't trip over whatever they are tripping over. Hopefully in a few years and a few more grandbabies your son will mature and get it and appreciate the flawed human who raised him and get back to the trust and respect he always had.

But you know that two young people trying to do the right thing during a life changing first experience won't exactly be smooth about it. We weren't either. With kids, no matter the age, give 'em room to grow, and keep the band aids handy for the BOOBOO's they will inevitably make.

They eventually figure out they aren't perfect, or as smart as they think they are. Just love 'em like you always have and don't take their mistakes personally. They do get better at it... EVENTUALLY!!

[talaniman]

Forgot to add this is a first for you too isn't it? Relax, enjoy it!!