[dontknownuthin]

I do my best to live a service focused life, helping people whenever I can. One hazard is that I end up involved in their problems, often of their own making. I've found some adults who need major assistance from friends can at times lack in boundaries and maturity, resulting in the problems they are facing. One such friend is a hoarder. I tried to be proactive by not taking control and making sure she directed the process when helping her clean. I thought the friendship was fine, though progress was thwarted by her hoarding disorder and it was very taxing. I got professional advice on helping without making her dependent.

Well, it didn't work. She terminated the friendship because she felt I was judging her. I didn't say anything inappropriate but she said she just "knew" I felt impatient. I admitted, "yes, I feel impatient because I would like to make faster progress, but I understand it is important to work at your pace, so don't make too much of it".

She maintained the decision to end the friendship, not to unusual - hoarders often lash out at helpers. I can cope with that. But she has been bashing me now to mutual friends, giving the impression I was just critical of her decorating and home. These people don't know she hoardes, she asked I not tell them.

What at would you do? The people she is trashing me to are very close friends of both of us of over 35 years. I don't want to cause her a setback or embarrass her, but people are saying I should apologize because they think I was rude, and don't know the true circumstances - how much I have helped her, that I handled it per recommendations of experts, and that she is a hoarder.

[smoothy]

What would I do... any promises I would have been made became null and void the moment she started bashing me to ANYONE else... Tell your friends about her being a hoarder, tell them about what you did tring to help her, and how your help and time was paid back. From what you said... you didn't do anything wrong, that requires an apology by any stretch of the definition.

Let your friends at least hear both sides of the story. You owe this other woman nothing at this point. That ended the moment she started publicly badmouthing you.

[talaniman]

Not everyone you help will appreciate it. Take the high road or stoop to her level. People who have known you a long time will disregard this person, or eventually discover her true nature.

You had good intentions and did your best, it didn't workout.

[Fr_Chuck]

You tried to help someone, that did not want help, without support of their family.

You did judge their life style, and wanted them to live the way, you want.

You learn, that many people, prefer to be left alone, and live life they way they like

[dontknownuthin]

She would prefer to be left alone but will be evicted and foreclosed on if she doesn't clean it up. She has been noticed by her lender and city.

[DoulaLC]

Unfortunately you can only help those who want help. She may have to learn the hard way and lose her home, as it sometimes takes such a great loss to shake someone up.

With the friends, if you don't want to share all, simply say that there were some things that you were helping her with, that out of respect to her you are not going to share, but she changed her mind in wanting your assistance and sadly she has felt the need to try and make you look bad. Then just remind them that they have known you for years and you are going to leave it at that.

[Jake2008]

Helping a friend who has a temporary problem, and is actively working to solve the problem, is very, very different, than helping a person who is a hoarder.

It was in 2013 that hoarding was considered to in fact, be a mental disorder. That being said, what this means to the situation you were in with your friend, is that you helping to clean up the obvious (the mess), doesn't come anywhere near to understanding or dealing with the mental disorder of hoarding.

Without help that you are unqualified to understand, let alone cure, or fix, your friend is doomed to continue this lifestyle. More likely than not, she is unable to see her life any other way than the way it is, for whatever reason, which is beyond understanding of friends and family.

I'm not saying you aren't a good person, or a good friend for trying to help, but, you could even be making her anxiety even worse, because, as I've said, getting rid of the junk does not mean the same as curing a hoarder of this disorder.

IF she seeks your help, do your research beforehand. Learn about the disorder, and how it is treated. Find out where she can get help, as locally as possible. Over recent years, much has been done to understand and treat this disorder. Offer her the information that she may otherwise not have known about.

That would be helping her in a positive way.

[dontknownuthin]

Jake, you are absolutely right. I was hoping to use my connection with her to prod her into accepting help. When she wouldn't go, I went to a counselor for coaching on how to work with her toward that goal. I've learned though, there is little point helping a hoarder who is not in treatment.

The tough thing is knowing how to fix this with other friends. Some good suggestions here. Thanks all!

[Jake2008]

It's a tough call, and what we do know, is what doesn't work. Like you said, a hoarder not in treatment, isn't going to change. Intervention doesn't work, laying on the guilt doesn't work, damage to family members living in the home doesn't prompt any changes. It's a very sad situation and I feel very sorry for those who don't have treatment.

I was always annoyed with that show on TV that 'outed' hoarders for public consumption. I considered it then to be a mental disorder, but somehow all these professionals considered it 'entertainment' and 'cured' people.

I hope your friend does eventually get help. She's very, very lucky to have you around, especially when she is ready.