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    franchesca81's Avatar
    franchesca81 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Jul 2, 2014, 09:03 AM
    I didn't follow no contact rule. Help.
    Me and my ex dated 16 years ago & have a 15 year old daughter. We are each others first love. We started back dating 3 years. He broke up with me 3 months ago. He says he was stressed out over going back and forth to court for joint custody, not being able to see his son, and child support, In which he pays, for his son's mother. After he broke up with me, we didn't talk for a week then out of the blue I get a text from him saying "you don't mess with me anymore?". At first I got mad because I didn't break up with him. Since then he texts & calls everyday. I messed up by sleeping with him once or twice a week for 3 months. He's not dating or sleeping with anyone else. I rather be with him but I want him to miss me & ask me to be his girl again. Is it too late for the "no contact" rule and what else can I do? Thanks for all positive responses.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
    Jobs & Parenting Expert
     
    #2

    Jul 2, 2014, 09:25 AM
    No Contact means just that, forever. It is not a way to make him miss you and want you back.

    It's time to move on without him. No Contact for real.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
    Marriage Expert
     
    #3

    Jul 2, 2014, 09:27 AM
    I am not certain what you consider a 'positive response'.

    A clarification about No Contact, it is for healing and moving forward with your life. It is not a method to get someone to miss you and want to come back.

    Since you have a child together and I hope he wants to be a good father to his daughter as well as his son, you will not be able to go full No Contact. You will need to keep some communication open for discussing her needs and visitation. Other than discussing your daughter, I highly suggest you do not have contact with him. Be polite but do not discuss your personal life.

    You need to end the confusion by agreeing to be parents and not friends or lovers. Let him and his stress go. Live your life as though he will never be a major part of it again. Get involved in hobbies, work, friends, family, being a mother, etc. Anything that keeps you from dwelling on him.

    Give yourself a chance to move forward without tripping over the past.
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
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    #4

    Jul 2, 2014, 09:31 AM
    You didn't last very long with no contact! :-)

    You could always tell him that you feel you moved too quickly with getting intimate, and feel the need to backtrack and slow down. If you enjoy spending time together, then just do that... go slow, get to know each other again, and see if you truly do want things to progress. Take some of the physical out and see what you have left to build on.

    Life's too short... I'd come right out and ask him where he sees the relationship going, if anywhere. If he is happy with just spending time together, and not wanting anything more committed, but you do, then you will have a choice to make. I'd also find out if the custody issue with his ex has been sorted... no sense in having that become an problem for you again.
    franchesca81's Avatar
    franchesca81 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Jul 2, 2014, 09:36 AM
    @Cat1864 He's a great father to both kids. And its always been a mutual love between us. He never cheated or anything he just doesn't cope well with stress & drama. I was told he broke up with me because he didn't want me to leave him because of the issues but that has never been I problem on my behalf. I still would've stood by him.

    @DoulaLC Good advice. And his son's mother is mad because we got back together so she waited 7 years (he's 9) to put him on child support. He was paying $350 a month & decide to get a lawyer to get joint custody because she wanted his money but didn't want him in his son's life. He received 39% joint custody & child support was reduced to $120 a month. So she's pissed and keeps taking him back & forth with stupid lies about me & him to get his rights taking away and to start back receiving $350 month. She has harassed him and me on Facebook and through people I know and I kind of think he's trying to look out for me but she's nothing that I can't handle.
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
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    #6

    Jul 2, 2014, 09:56 AM
    I'd tread very slowly... this ex of his can make your life miserable, and who's to say that he won't get stressed again enough to feel the need to break up with you before you break up with him... which is an odd excuse really.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
    Expert
     
    #7

    Jul 2, 2014, 11:02 AM
    You seem to be having trouble separating the boundaries between adult fun and games, and the reality of committing to build a future together. I doubt much has changed and he still is a lousy partner for the long term and I doubt you are any more than stress/relief for your ex. A distraction from his current misery. As long as you realize that and don't play those games for a future together then you can enjoy without all the drama and stress that comes with him.

    Didn't you learn your lesson the first time? What's changed since then? Probably nothing, he has added more stress and drama to his life, and still doesn't handle it well. You better think again about trying again with him. Maybe its already as good as it will ever get.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,492, Reputation: 2853
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    #8

    Jul 2, 2014, 11:15 AM
    I'm with everyone else here... You know what he's like... you know there are lots of issues which are why you aren't together... and nothing is going to change... except you will end up much older... and most of your younger years wasted on false hopes everythig will change overnight one day.

    He is and will always remain the father of the child... but you still haven't moved on and found a better person to spend your life with... and they are out there, but you have to look to find them.

    Settling for what's easy isn't better than settling for what's best. It holds you back in happiness and it holds you back in your life.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert
     
    #9

    Jul 4, 2014, 06:33 AM
    That he pays child support and is a good father, doesn't make him a special kind of person. Those are his obligations and aren't optional.

    He has problems, and you think you are the solution, by wanting him to want you as 'his girl', and you say you are willing to support him through all the trouble he has with his ex. Yet, he excludes you from his life, other than a few booty calls a week, and you buy the story that he is 'protecting' you from all the drama in his life.

    Think back to when you originally split with him yourself. Think hard about those reasons, and realize that he is the same man. He may look a little different, talk a little differently, maybe he's accomplished in his line of work, he's probably got traits you love- sense of humour, etc. but, he is still the same person.

    Do you really want to do it all over again?

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