[emazyng1]

My 22 year old son is on a destructive path that can be corrected if he realizes what a mess he is creating. He currently lives with me, along with is fiancé and my adorable 2 year old grandson. His fiancé did finish high school and is studying to be a dental assistant. My son works side jobs, but is unable to find permanent employment. He has a felony record. My son would rather be out with "friends", smoking weed and drinking. He will stay out for days at a time and does not realize what this is doing to his fiancé and son. My son did not finish high school and was sent to alternative school and a couple of college programs for high school completion, but he states school is boring and he did not finish. I leave applications for him to complete and they are in the same place that I left them, I am frustrated.

I would like him to go to detox, finish high school and get a steady job to provide for his family. The "friends" that he has to be are not and I would like for that to change and he meets people that work and show reponsibility for their actions. That's what I would like to see happen, but how do I get a grown person to do what I see is hopefully better for him and his family?

Please help a desperate mother.

[Oliver2011]

Unfortunately he is a grown man in age only from what you have described. Some men grow up mentally slowly. He sounds like he has no goals and no motivation. Does he have any interests that you can push him towards? You can want what you want from him all you want, that is a mother's way. But unless he wants to change things, things won't change.

[smoothy]

Is he, his girlfriend and baby living on your dime... meaning completely free?

I'd start charging them room and board... make it high enough it hurts him in the wallet and he has less money to be fooling around with friends or taking time off work... and it will help motivate him to find more work.. or steady work. Even Felons can get steady work. He just has to work harder to find it than others who aren't.

If everything he earns is now is party money and walking around money... he's got no motivation to change.

[smearcase]

You are enabling the entire situation. Stop doing that. He is probably an alcoholic maybe a druggie too.
He has to get off the destructive path himself, but change is very difficult.
If you can afford it, make a contract with him and pay for the detox. And give him a time and date to take his family and get on his own.
If he fails to live up to the agreement, evict them.

[Alty]

What you want for your son is what every parent wants for their child. Sadly, at 22 years of age, it's too late to put your foot down. You no longer have control over what he does, he's an adult. This should have been addressed when you still had control. That time is gone.

Having said that, you do have control over what you accept into your life.

Letting him, his fiancé, and his child, live with you, is not helping the situation. He's getting a free ride in a fancy car. Why take responsibility when you don't have to. Mommy will take care of everything, like she always has.

Kick them out. Make them stand on their own two feet. Once junior has to choose between paying rent and keeping his fiancé and baby safe, and going out to party, he'll either wise up, or lose everything. Sometimes you have to be tough to make your kids grow up. It's long past time for you to do so.

[Fr_Chuck]

I agree, you are allowing it to happen. So he will continue, He does not want to change and he knows exactly what he is doing. If you want him to change, then you will have to be tough and hard on him. Making it easy for him, he will almost never change

[Jake2008]

I agree that it is time to make some changes, for all concerned.

As long as the rules of your home are dictated by your son, and his girlfriend, and their child, there will be no changes. They have likely free rent, with her being a student, and him not working. They likely have free babysitting from you, and food, and what they need to get by. That is a very luxurious situation for anybody who knows (likely including you) how difficult it is to make ends meet, on your own. Why would change happen at all under the circumstances they are allowed to live under.

Is your husband involved here?

The first thing to do, is set some ground rules. They might include, your son going to rehab and counseling, with a commitment of three months. His addictions have to be addressed before he can make changes to his lifestyle.

At the end of the first ground rule of counseling and rehab, the second step is to see him in employment counseling, or employed full time. From there, your son and his girlfriend, need to move out. I would tell them both that that is an expectation, and as well a conclusion to them living with you.

This way you are giving very reasonable expectations to them both, over a short period, to get them on their own.

It is you that will likely be disappointed, because if your son is not ready to change his life with simple expectations, it will then be necessary for you to have them leave your home. When you have 'the talk' with them about what you expect, provide them with phone numbers of agencies that can assist with their needs such as welfare. They too will have conditions to receiving assistance, and that assistance is temporary until they are established in an apartment, and have their basic needs met.

Either way, the result is the same. He has to grow up, and the sooner the better.

To allow the situation to continue when you have options, does your son no good what so ever. It is not your job to provide for a grown man with a child and a girlfriend in school. It is hard, but to enable this to continue will result in no changes, and he will remain stuck in this place.

You are doing the wrong thing, allowing this to continue, but the right thing, in expecting him to grow up, and manage his own life. In the long run, he will hopefully be a better person and father, but you need to stop what you are doing, and get them on the path out your front door.

[joypulv]

It sounds like you have raised him alone most of his life, no father or father figure, and no siblings?
It also sounds like you are a loving, caring mother. Unfortunately it also sounds like you didn't provide the very difficult stages of self reliance and sense of adulthood that every child need as they get into their teens. Not your fault, but it's going to take a lot to undo YOUR approach before any of it is going to get through to him.

'.. can be corrected if he realizes' and 'I leave applications for him to complete and they are in the same place that I left them' are phrases that show that you think this is all just a matter of gentle persuasion. He has to relearn what life is all about from scratch, the hard way. I agree with the approach of a timeline of deadlines - written down and hung on the wall. Again, YOU are the first one who needs to change. Tough love.