[ElizabethC123]

So Im 23 and I found my first love when I was 15, I fell for him completely and automatically. He was 8 years older than me at the time, we were friends first because I was too young but then we got into a relationship when I was 17.

Sometimes I still think about him, he's had many girlfriends since me and I'd had 2 boyfriends since him. But even though Ive had boyfriends, they haven't compared to the way he made me feel. After these relationships ended I made a decision to not get into a relationship until I felt real feelings for the person.. and not just out of loneliness.

Me and my ex broke up about 4 years ago round about, I finished it. He got depressed and starting to lash out at me, he was very jealous and posessive and tried to drag me down with him. At such a young age I was very impressionable and was easily dragged down. Out of pure desperation to get out of the relationship, I ended it all together - even though deep down I still loved him very much. But I knew that my well being was in jeopardy as he was making me depressed.

Since breaking up with him I have got myself back together, but I still desire that feeling he gave me back again, I miss the love we had. But if anything I think its an illusion in my head, when I think about the way it ACTUALLY was, it was awful towards the end.

So why do I still think about him? I still associate him with me? WHY? Help :(

[Alty]

This is why adults warn children not to get involved with older men. Older men groom these children, and ultimately mess them up.

You say you miss the love you two shared. Obviously there was more bad than good, otherwise you wouldn't have left. Now you're remembering the few good things. What were they? Did the good outnumber the bad? Obviously not.

He was your first love, and you found at him at a very impressionable time in your life. Stop the fantasy, and focus on the reality, the reason you two broke up. Focus on that, and you'll be able to move on.

Give other guys a chance. Just because they don't treat you like he did, which wasn't great, doesn't mean they don't deserve a chance. Let them be who they are, and either love them for that, or move on. But stop trying to find another controlling older man that makes you believe it's about love, when it really wasn't.

Get him out of your head.

[ElizabethC123]

Believe me I've tried to... 'get him out of my head' and although I was young I was mature and smart enough to get out when I had the chance. I know exactly what he was like, but I don't hold any anger towards him anymore, what would be the point in that?

I think I miss how happy I was at the time, not him. I miss who I was, I was very self assured and knew who I was and he didn't like that. Im getting my confidence back now gradually but its taken time. I will never say that Im a 'messed up' person because of this. I am whole and worthy even if these things did happen to me in the past, and Im for sure not going to let any experience like that in the past determine my future.

The reason why Im feeling like this is because I haven't fallen in love since, and when you know... you just KNOW. It isn't my fault, its just the way things have happened. And why should I settle for someone who I don't feel for? Force myself to love them for them when I can't see it?

Thank you for the harsh reality of your post. Im the kind of person who needs abit of the harsh truth sometimes and not someone who just agrees with what I say.

You are right, it was awful. He was controlling and nasty, he belittled me and tried to change who I was. He was terrible towards me. I remember that.

[Fr_Chuck]

The trouble is, that what you had for him was not true love, it was planned and systematic control. That is why men like him choose girls who are so young. He controlled the relationship but this is not love. Trying to compare anything to this will fail because this relationship with him had you accept and believe that something was love when it was not.

[ElizabethC123]

Ive thought this in the past, but even before we got to know each other properly (before the controlling started)... I felt an instant attraction towards him, I haven't felt that since?

[catonsville]

Hon, a LEOPARD does not change his spots. No doubt today he is the same old controlling Leopard that he was years ago. Move on, the past is the past.

[ElizabethC123]

Hon, a LEOPARD does not change his spots. No doubt today he is the same old controlling Leopard that he was years ago. Move on, the past is the past.

Very true, he preys on vulnerable girls... Hes very good looking and handsome, he preyed on me because I was younger, it was when I started to find my own things and grow as a person when he didn't like it.

His girlfriends since me have always been the 'plain jane' kind of girl. Not saying that plain Jane is bad because its not, but Im very bubbly - out going and extroverted, all of his girlfriends since me have been shy and quiet. Maybe he didn't want to make the same mistake again haha.

I remember I used to put his happiness before mine, and I still do that with people sometimes - care about others more than myself, and you never get the same in return. But when we broke up I felt like he took my happiness with him, I gave him everything I had and he took it, so where was my happiness? I still sometimes don't know if I ever got it back - or gave it back to myself. I associate happiness with him - which is what I need to get out of my head. I need to find my own personal happiness again - and stop thinking about what he used to make me feel, because that has now gone.

[welcometomylife]

I know how you feel.

When I was 14 I dated a 19 year old high school graduate. He pressured me into sex, lied to me, cheated on me, never told people about me etc..

But in the end I loved him, and even now I don't hate him. At all. I forgave him completely and we are friends.

When girls are our age we are just so vulnerable and naïve. We don't know anything and guys know that and they take advantage of it.

I've been messed up ever since.. because of him I'm don't like older guys so I go for younger.. I went to a psychologist and they told me it's because I miss how I used to be at a younger age and when I see guys act the way I used to I feel like I can go back to that if I date them. I agreed with her.

This is why teenagers should AVOID older men!!

[simpleman75]

ElizabethC123, this is a situation many girls fall into. It describes a fair amount of the issues women have with men. They fall for the a**hole type and then complain. Some women even think they can change the man's behavior. You did good by getting out.

You are still in the developmental stage of relationships, and most likely comparing every new relationship with the one you had when you were 17. This will ultimately lead to ruination of any relationship you try and build in the future.

Find out what makes you happy outside of a relationship. You have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else.

[I wish]

I think that you need to put yourself in the position to meet more people to expand your network to see that there are so many more amazing guys out there that you haven't met yet.

The best way to get over someone is to meet new special people in your life. Think about it this way, you are constantly thinking about him, which means you aren't thinking about other people in your life.

So it can easily happen that you meet 2-3 new people that may mean even more to you.

[ElizabethC123]

this is a situation many girls fall into. It describes a fair amount of the issues women have with men. They fall for the a**hole type and then complain. Some women even think they can change the man's behavior. You did good by getting out.

You are still in the developmental stage of relationships, and most likely comparing every new relationship with the one you had when you were 17. This will ultimately lead to ruination of any relationship you try and build in the future.

Find out what makes you happy outside of a relationship. You have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else.

You are very right! And sometimes I don't feel completely happy with myself, I have a habit of trying to get along with 'everyone' even if I don't really like them. But Ive noticed that and Im trying to think differently.

Everything you said there is true! I have recently been involved with a guy, who was very negative, he had an attitude that the woman should do everything for the man. But I ended things with him - I knew he wasn't right for me and also knew that he didn't and wouldn't never have a positive effect on me or my life. I think that's pretty strong for me to do seeing as I did actually have feelings for him - its been a while since that's happened.

I don't want to think Im 'messed up' because of this one relationship in my life. I go for men who are confident and have a big personality like me. I don't intentionally seek men who are ***holes, but I do like someone who knows who they are and doesn't just settle for anyone - also like me.

I also think you shouldn't try and look for a relationship, it will come along when you least expect it. And to be honest - Ive been on many dates with people and texting people and if they aren't confident and chatty - I get bored. That might sound bad but its true, its true for everyone. And nobody has caught my eye yet.

I do believe that you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. - This is VERY true. And I feel like Im getting there.
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