[Jiser]

I am back again. My now ex has finished with me. She is 20 I am 28. The pain I feel is extreme. I have not slept for 3 nights, cannot eat, destroyed my apartment in rage. We met over a year ago as friends then became more 8 months ago.

The argument started Sunday night when she returned from the army reserves. She went on about joining the full army which we have argued about before. I said I don't think a relationship would work. (Although apparently according to a friend who text her it was just a test to see how I would react). I explained to her today that it's a big thing to accept but I love her so much and I want to support her (thought that didn't make any difference) We made up. She does have big mood swings and perhaps over reacts in a nasty way to things.

The next day we were in love once more. Cuddling and planning this weekend. She said how much she loved me. Then she started looking through my internet history whilst I was out of the room. Found some porn (which she also looked at) I didn't want her looking through it so quickly shut down the PC. She went nuts, and stormed out the apartment. I tried to chase her down but she just hit me and pushed me away.

I tried to sort it via text and phone (maybe I chased too much here) she was so cold and her attitude was one of hate. She came over this evening to get her stuff, chucked her apartment keys at me. She laughed at me as I cried. Called me pathetic. I do not understand how she could be so cold toward me after previously being so in love with me. How can feelings just switch in one day? As she left I believe she had a man texting her (though for the life of me during our time together she has never msged anyone so maybe this is her way of getting over me).

I text her last night to tell her how I thought she was towards me. Cold/nasty and that I will never understand her actions. That I love her and she knows where I am if she wants to talk.

I really love this girl and don't want to let her go. I want her back in my arms. Just not sure how to go about it. I don' want to chuck away a good thing. I am away for 3 days and I want to contact her again... I don't want to loose her in my life. My best friend and partner. I just don't know how to bypass the fact she supposedy hates me and never wants to see me again.

[smoothy]

Dude... really now? TIme to pull up your big boy pants... I had to read it twice to make sure you was a guy. Actually... I'm still not sure.

Its pretty clear... SHE is finished with you again... what part of that are you having trouble processing. You don't have a relationship... its a drama club. If you consider that a good thing... you really are desperate. Have you ever dated someone else whenthere wasn't drama like this all the time?

Hell... if all I had was that to look forward to and couldn't find anything better, I'd consider becoming a priest or a monk... and I'm not even catholic.

Really... sit down and read what you wrote again... she really couldn't possibly make her intentions more clear... you can't force yourself on someone that doesn't want you... and this isn't the first time around.

Time you spent some time alone... a lot more time... get some therapy maybe... It can only help. But she wants distance... give it to her. Or you might find yourself with a restraining order issued against you.

Needy might be the understatement of the year.....really.....crying? Cripes....that would send most women running for the hills.

I went and glanced through some of your other posts.....time to see a mental health care professional. For your own good. You really need it and can't deal with it on your own apparently. There is no shame in seeking help when you need it....and you need it right now.

[Oliver2011]

I took the time to reread all of your posts. Based on the information in all of your posts, what you have is not a relationship. You two play a game of emotions, rage, fighting, etc. That is not a relationship. You have a drama-ship and until you realize what true love is and what a true relationship is, you will continue to have a drama-ship.

I agree with Smoothy as well. The needy thing is disgusting. You have a constant need for her to validate her feelings for you, which means you have trust issues. At some point I hope you realize that needy and clingy are so unattractive.

[talaniman]

Hello Jiser, still haven't gotten your own feelings under control yet I see. You will keep suffering until you do and those emotional impulse will haunt you.

You have work to do on yourself, by yourself, AGAIN. You know the drill.

[Jiser]

I understand neediness is not attractive. Thing is she was clingy and needy to.

We both were.

I don't understand how you cannot be upset at the end of a relationship. Because you're a man you cannot cry?

I want to work through my issues (I am getting counselling at the moment) but I also want her back. Does anyone have any advise around how to play that?

Wait? Text? Call?

[talaniman]

Wait and work through your issues I what I advise. Your zeal to fix things without the proper tools is a disaster waiting to happen and you know this, so squash the emotion driven impulses, and cry if you want, to let the emotions settle, and make a better plan of action.

Maybe her emotions settle down too, since you both seem to be emotional, impulsive, needy and clingy. Not good for talking at any rate at this time. Makes no sense for sure to keep sitting on a toilet that's backing up, does it (sorry about the nasty analogy)?

[Jiser]

We talking weeks or days here tali?

[Wondergirl]

We talking weeks or days here tali?

I didn't read back through this thread or any of your others. Are you seeing a counselor right now? Or, if not, are you willing to find one and start some serious work on yourself?

[smoothy]

I understand neediness is not attractive. Thing is she was clingy and needy to.

We both were.

I don't understand how you cannot be upset at the end of a relationship. Because you're a man you cannot cry?

I want to work through my issues (I am getting counselling at the moment) but I also want her back. Does anyone have any advise around how to play that?

Wait? Text? Call?

As far as getting councelling...bravo for getting it....keep up with it.


Nobody ever said breaking up is easy... because it isn't. But I don't see enough of a relationship here to give up your man card over... Nobody is going to criticize a guy for crying if a parent, child, spouse of sibling dies... but a breakup she initiated from what barely qualifies as much of a relationship that most certainly.

What it makes it appear like is emotional instability.

YOU can't get her back unless she wants you back... sorry... thats life... and how it is. THe world doesn't revolve around you or anyone else... therefore there are many things you and everyone else want that just aren't going to happen as a result.

She has to be at least as willing as you are or it's a lost cause.

If she's got her own issues those are hers to deal with....worry about dealing with your own. Thats all most people can handle. Everyone has some sort of issue to deal with......some just have more than others.

I see no indications she is willing at all.

That line between an ex who won't take no for an answer...and an unwanted stalker is even thinner than a razor blade. You never want to find yourself on the wrong side of it.

[talaniman]

Whatever it take for a healthy outcome. What's your hurry to rush head first into a brick wall? That can hurt. See how you're feeling a week and let me know because you sound like a mess right now.

Can't make a week? You are in trouble.

[Jiser]

Well I spoke to her/text her. She said she was fed up and it was over.

She then said: That I couldn't give her enough. I should have asked her to marry her... loads of really horrible stuff. She said that I follow society too much, that counselling is rubbish. That I am basically worthless and a joke. That I didn't even chase her down the road to stop her from going when she finished with me the other day. She then mentioned the internet that I constantly look to it for answers instead of speaking to her which is not true at all. It's so strange to think only a week or two ago we were loved up coming back from an amazing holiday in Thailand and now its all over.

I am thinking she may have borderline personality disorder.

Pretty gutted but I have my answer now. I feel more and more dissapointed and let down every minute. She said that she does obviously have feelings but obviously not enough to continue.

I ordered a photo book of a selection of our memories over the years. Hopefully she likes it and can see I am a good guy. Either way its over now. I have my answer.

[odinn7]

She's a nut...you're better off. It may not seem like that now but you will see it one day.

[Alty]

She expects you to chase her, makes you feel bad about seeking help, laughs at you when you're crying. Do you really need someone else to make you see the light? It's pretty obvious here dude. With friends like her, who needs enemies?

Don't you think you deserve better than someone that hates you, and everything about you? That's not love. Love is love. She hates you, and she made that very clear. Why pine over someone that can't stand anything about you?

[Jiser]

Thx all. My friends, also hers are ashamed of her.

Its quite unbelievable... really just weeks ago we were best friends. I could rely on her to support me in everything and then just all of a sudden a switch! Pretty gutting.

You think the photobook thing was a bit weird? Or a nice gesture?

In a way I am glad she's put me out of my misery. Hope she realizes that she was wrong one day...

[smoothy]

I think every one of us has a story about the weird nutcase we once dated...

Al least I hope we all do... I know I did. One day you will be able to look back at this and laugh about it. And be thankful you got away from them.

[odinn7]

I sure have a story...it was very similar to what I read here. In a nutshell: She was crazy about me, couldn't live without me, on and on...then, like someone flipped a switch, she was ending it with me and treated me like absolute garbage once she did it. Like I never mattered at all.

I think this is probably what the OP is having trouble with...it is difficult to think about this person that told you all these great things just suddenly stomping and crapping all over you...then you wonder how much was ever real on their end.

[Alty]

Yup, we all have a story. Mine didn't end until years ago. Just to let you know how sad that is, I've been married since 1995, still am. My ex, long before I even met my husband, whom I met at 19, stalked me for years, called me on my wedding day to say, and I quote loosely "when you finally realize that I'm the best thing for you, I'll be waiting". When I was pregnant with my first child, who is now 15, we ran into each other in an elevator of all places. I was heading back up to work, and he was there for his job as well. I saw him, and decided to ignore him. He saw me and said "either you got fat, or you're pregnant. Either one doesn't matter to me. I'm still waiting for you to come back".

I haven't heard from him in years, and I hope I never do. I'm hoping he found someone that can make him happy, and I wish her a lot of luck.

[Jiser]

Ahh well life goes on will just have to deal with it now.

Maybe were be mates one day.

The worst bit will be going home as I've been in London for three days. Going home to where we spent our time. Waiting for the sound of the key as she came in each evening :(

This is my third big breakup since I began on askmehdelpdesk. Each time I have recovered. Honestly thought this has been my longest one and will be the biggest impact on my life due to losing a friend/gf and everything we did together.

Just got to make some big changes now.

[odinn7]

Just keep yourself busy. Find things to do and people to do it with.

You;ll be ok, just give it time and don't focus on this. When you start thinking of the good things about her, switch those thoughts to the bad things about her and how she treated you.

[smoothy]

Exactly... in your mind you can vilify her if you must... it helps you get over her... remember all the worst things... It keeps your head screwed on right. And you WILL get over it faster than you think you will.