[jeannielogan]

I am hurting. I lived in another state and moved back to the state my daughter lived in to help her, because she lost her son, he was 2 and a 1/2. I lost a son that was 2 days old, so I know the hurt. I came to her house for vacation and felt she needed me to help her. Her life was out of control with finances, my granddaughter was also ill (had a feedtube), she was not growing, communicating was very low for her age. She weight 16 lbs at 2. So, I helped them get a condo, to get out of their high rent apartment and then I bought a condo in the same community, we're about 3 minutes apart. I gave her and her husband over 30K, to get back on their feet, pay off check companies, car payments, rent, you name it, I did it. When I moved I separated from my husband and I have two children that was left at home (17 & 13 - now 18 and 14). My daughter does not like my husband and she knows he would have not approved of giving her all that money. Well, my husband moved to my city and we worked on our relationship, we were together 11 years, and really love each other. We also set up visitation with him, while we were working on things, since my 17 & 13, he adopted them. My daughter did not approve and felt I needed her permission to allow her brother and sister to see him. Things had become very stained between my daughter and her husband and me.

I came to the point that I had no more money to give. I ran up all my credit cards to the limit and on top of it my daughter and son in law both were not working. Their electric had been turned off, cable turned off, rent late and I always bailed them out. My son in law had not worked for 5 months and went back to school, I paid for his books, I paid for my daughter books, she is getting her masters, but push came to shove when I ran out of money. Then my 17 year old son said to me, enough ma, stop, they need to support themselves. So when my daughter or son in law called me for money, I told them I did not have any, which was the truth. I was just trying to keep my head above water and pay my bills. My daughter and son in law has not talked to me for little over 5 months.They will not allow me to see my granddaughter, who is now 3 years old, which breaks my heart. When I was giving them money, she spent the night at my house all the time. Now, my daughter told me by an email, she did not want her daughter hurt. I have never hurt her and never would. My daughters in laws are crazy and has called Children Services on them and even had a 20K life insurance policy on my grandson that died.

My son in laws dad said he would pay for the funeral and then never did and pocketed the money. If I did those things I would understand why I could not see my granddaughter and why my daughter hates me, but I have not. She even wrote an email to me in December, when I tried to wish her a 30th birthday, that she wished I would have put her up for adoption and that I would not have been her mother, along with many other hurtful things. My husband moved back into my home in December, I could not see her for Christmas, but as I said they only live 3 minutes away. I continued to left my daughter now 14 and son now 18, continue their relationship with their sister. Never talking about their visits and basically, just trying to keep things calm. My daughter keep telling my kids that I would keep them from her, which I made sure did not happen.

Then this past Saturday at 4 am in the morning, I heard the door open, I ran down stairs to find my son's suitcase with all his clothes. He came into the door and I asked him what he was doing, I am moving to my sisters, I just do not feel comfortable here anymore. This was the son that told me to stop giving her money. She has told him so many lies. So I stayed as calm as I could, since I was in shock. I explained it was OK if he wanted to move out, but it was not the right thing to not tell me. He told me he was going write me a text. I talked with him for about hour and we talked about the things that were bothering him. We discussed the lies my daughter had told him and how I loved him and would always be there to support him and if things did not work out, he always had a home with me. My daughter and son in law got married and did not invite me, they only had 2 friends there. It really hurt. I told my son I hope that when he gets married and has kids I can be there and see them, he told me yes, but I do not know. He wants to go to college, but has not applied and has no job. I am now just heart sick, I have not heard from him in 2 days and I pray, he will talk to me again, but I just do not know. My heart is broken and I can not sleep, I just do not know where to turn.

My daughter that is still at home, seems fine and our house is calmer, because my son is not saying nasty comments to me. I hope someone has advise for me, that will some how help.

[tickle]

I don't know what you want us to say; your story is so much like others we have read on this forum. What you posted is basically a blog, you getting it off your chest and onto other peoples chests. It is same as being on a couch with a counsellor. They walk you through all the pain and don't really give solutions, they cant, we cant. Walk away from it all because you have your own life to lead. You are taking on too much blame and hurt. Walk away. Initiate tough love and when they come to you for more money, or help, you just say no and WALK AWAY. They are adults now.

[smearcase]

That's a lot to try and digest but the first impression that I get is that your older daughter and her husband simply saw you as a source of money and as a soft touch (I am trying not to be unkind but sap is more realistic). Once the money dwindled their true motivations came out. Just live your life and concentrate on your husband and your 14 year old daughter and stabilizing your own finances and home. Let your adult children fend for themselves and don't give your son, older daughter, or her husband one nickel. Work toward raising the 14 yr old to be better adjusted than the first two children. You have a second chance which most people don't get, and don't try to be a friend to the 14 yr old. Be a parent. (note: Hadn't seen the other response but tickle has said it better and more concisely than I did)

[talaniman]

Sorry for the situation you are in, and sorry you cannot see your grandkids at this time, but you really need to let the ungrateful kids you spoiled rotten go on their own and enjoy your new peaceful home and remaining kids, as you strengthen the relationship with your husband.

Separations hurt when they are good, and more when they are bad, and consider that all that help gained you nothing, and them either. So let go mom and give attention and time where its needed most, in your own home. Your son is old enough to learn his lessons himself without you holding his hand any longer. Make the adjustment.

[odinn7]

This is very sad and I feel for you. Unfortunately, there isn't any real advice that we can give that will help you. You just have to stay strong and try to move forward with your life. As you have already been told, do not give any of them money...ever. It is sad that they were using you and now are punishing you for all the things you tried to do for them. Now they can wallow in their own bitterness and collapse on their own. You do not need to be a part of this and you do not need to feel any guilt if and when it does finally happen. They are adults, they have made their poor choices, and now it is time to let them sink on their own while knowing that you gave them every opportunity that you could. Life is harsh some times and you just have to roll with it.

I wish you luck.

[joypulv]

1) I agree with the others.
2) Often times the amount of resentment is directly proportional to the amount you give. The reasons for that are complex, but mostly stem from guilt they can't handle for using you. Your situation, however, has real need intertwined, with 2 very ill babies.
3) I get the sense that you can't stand your son in law and his relatives. This may have more to do with all this than you are letting on here, or with just money. We don't know if you were unwittingly trying to drive them apart, or just being much too critical. If you have any thoughts on that, feel free to elaborate, or tell me I'm way off track.

[jeannielogan]

I do not like my son in law's family, his mother blamed the death of my grandson on my daughter and son in law and called Children Services on the day of his funeral visitation. My daughter found my grandson in his crib not breathing, they tried everything, but could not revive him. The cause of death is still unknown even with extensive autopsies, but they were found clear of any wrong doing. My daughter and son in law was grieving their son and being interviewed by Child Services at the same time. It was heart breaking. My son in law's dad had a life insurance policy, which my daughter and son in law did not know about, with his dad as the beneficiary, which is creepy. He told my son in law and daughter that he would pay for the funeral, the burial plot and all other expenses, but instead, he pocketed the money and paid none of the funeral expenses. My son in law does not speak to his family and now my daughter and son in law does not speak to me. My son in law and I have had our differences, but since moving to the same city, our relationship grew and I love him.

[Fr_Chuck]

It appears you decided to take over their. Lives. If you own their condo evict them and make them work too live

[Jake2008]

What this reminds me of is a person convicted of being a serial criminal, and put behind bars for 25 years, only to discover through DNA, that the 24 1/2 years the person was behind bars, was wrong. DNA proved his innocence. Wouldn't it be nice if we, as parents, could provide proof, that what we did was right, and we didn't deserve to be punished for the rest of our lives. But, like the wrongly convicted, it still doesn't change the past.

The very best of parents have kids that turn out to be miserable blood sucking leeches, and the very worst of parents end up having kids who graduate college, and have meaningful, independent lives.

There is no figuring it out.

Regardless of what you have done, probably for all the right reasons (they were suffering over the loss of a child, they were both unemployed, they were both facing eviction, couldn't make car payments, had their power cut off, etc.) I don't know to many mother's who would not help to some extent, in their own way, to assist their children, under dire circumstances.

Give yourself a little credit for doing the best you could both in raising them, and providing for them, and supporting them when they were in need.

If your daughter's father-in-law's integrity allowed him to take out a life insurance policy on her child, then cash it in, and not use it for the intended promise, I suspect the apple doesn't fall far from the tree in your son-in-law's character. Your son-in-law sees no problem in feeling entitled to bailout after bailout, and thousands of dollars of someone else's money, going to his needs without a second thought.

You have to keep yourself safe, first and foremost. The includes your bank accounts, and your own future. I would advise you not to be so passive with regard to your younger son, in telling him he is allowed home anytime. Set some limits- with all of them. And don't allow yourself to be emotionally blackmailed with your granddaughter.

Don't set yourself up again in other words, to risk everything, in order to appease the ungrateful adult children in your life.

By limits, I mean let your younger son know, that should he want to return home, you will negotiate the expected behavior. No bad behavior, full time school, no talk of his sister, her husband, or their finances. Likewise, do not discuss those issues with him that concern your daughter and her husband.

For your daughter and her husband, contact them through email, so you have something you can refer to when things start to wear you down. Keep it simple and tell them you cannot any longer afford to support them. They know what you've done, along with the dollar amount so no need to provide 'proof'. Tell them that while you do not expect to be repaid financially, you hope that they will allow some communication. (they also know that includes their daughter). Tell them that while you can sympathize with their problems, and have helped them all you can, they are adults, and have to find their own way in this world without you. (don't fall prey to teary phone calls in the middle of the night by desperate sounding people, only setting you up)

Be strong! Please think about your own life, and what your own life means to you. Don't deny yourself the gift of living, because you feel obligated to ensure others are happier and more stable. Stop feeling guilty about what will happen to them if you aren't involved, because you were only being used, and there was no 'normal' relationship there, nor will there ever likely be. Let them grow up, take their own responsibility as adults and parents, and let them make their own calls. They are not yours to make, nor are you responsible through some form of guilt, or blackmail. Leave them be!

No matter what you do as a parent, life will often turn out bass-ackwards. However, you are at the point in your life where you have two choices. You can let the past go, refuse to be held hostage by either their demands, or their silence, or, you can tuck the past away in a file cabinet in your brain, and plan this day forward. The only changes you need to make, are the changes you make, for yourself.

[burg1]

I needed to read that answer I have two daughter who over looked this last mother's day to let me know they want nothing to do with me and are during my grandchild who o have helped raise in my home against me. I set boundaries and now I will be left all alone holidays and everyday. I can not deal with this I am a great mom.

[smoothy]

I would start by changing the locks on your house... your son moved out on his own... that will prevent them from coming back and taking things from you.

If you have a will, I'd advise revising it now... if you don't have one... its time to make one... there are consequences to actions... and a will will make sure they don't continue to take from you after you are gone.

Personally it was a huge mistake running up debts on credit cards for them... they have very high interest rates, and they could always find 2nd or 3rd part time jobs if they really needed the money. IT sounds more like they were lazy and greedy rather than actually needy.

Focus on the daughter that is still at home... you really aren't all alone and at some point they will come to their senses and realize what they have done (well we can hope anyway) and they will feel badly for doing it...


I'd also get out and find a new circle of friends, pick up a hobby... sure a few of your kids turned out to be spoiled brats... they will have to answer for that in more ways than one... but you did your best... they are adults and its on them, not you. Don't beat yourself up over it too much... it happens all too frequently. Usually as a result of parents giving them too much, or doing too much for them. They grow up to feel entitled to more than they are able to provide for themselves.

[joypulv]

smoothy, you are still responding to the OP. A new person has tagged on just now. She needs to start a new post.