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Amanda_in_AK · Apr 3, 2007, 09:34 AM

My Fiancé and I are starting to plan our wedding, and now that I've found a great place to hold the wedding that offers an all-inclusive wedding package, now my Fiancé says that he doesn't want for our wedding to be an event, and that he doesn't care if anyone is there but us two. And he is insisting that it would hurt his pride to have another man "provide" a wedding for him, and that he doesn't want the day to be about my father or anyone else but us. And that by paying for the wedding himself, he will maintain more control. He doesn't want to feel like he owes anyone anything.

I have explained to him that every girl dreams of her wedding day, and that I do want it to be an event, and that I do want my family and friends there. (I'm figuring about 30 guests total at the wedding, so not a big deal). Furthermore, I don't want for the wedding costs to take away from the money he neeeds to be spending on getting his home in better shape for me to move in to.

I have also explained that it is customary for the brides father to pay, and that for much of my life, my father has short-changed me and that this is an opportunity for my father to do something nice for me. This angle didn't work, because my fiancé says my father has done too little too late, and he doesn't want someone else providing our special day.

I am at a loss here. Any suggestions?

Thank you.

Lotz_of_Questions · Apr 3, 2007, 02:49 PM

Talk to your Fiancé, let him know that you want a bigger wedding and that he can help with it but to let your father help too. That way he has enough money to cover the cost for your new home.
In the Mexican culture it is the Groom that pays for most of the wedding and the family helps out a little.
Just let him know that your father is happy to pay and help, and let your Fiancé help, that way he doesn't feel the way he feels now. Good Luck :)

Amanda_in_AK · Apr 3, 2007, 03:04 PM

Thank you, that is a good idea. I'll suggest to him that he could cover flowers, cake, and any fishing charters for our guests. Thanks so much :)

karent23 · Apr 3, 2007, 03:13 PM

Isn't the groom side suppose to pay for the rehearsal dinner? What would your fiancé want done if it was his daughter getting married?

Amanda_in_AK · Apr 3, 2007, 03:44 PM

There won't be a rehearsal dinner, since we would be at a remote Alaskan lodge. (We live in Alaska.) Good point about what he'd want for his own daughter, if we had children.

karent23 · Apr 6, 2007, 06:35 AM

Is there going to be a honeymoon? Isn't the groom responsible for paying for the honeymoon? You can also tell him that your father wants to pay for the wedding because this is the last thing that he can do for you before you are no longer his little girl, but a grown woman. Your father I'm sure would rather your groom save his money so he can support you the way your father would like.

Anayden · Apr 9, 2007, 02:58 PM

Originally Posted by Amanda_in_AK

My Fiancé and I are starting to plan our wedding, and now that I've found a great place to hold the wedding that offers an all-inclusive wedding package, now my Fiancé says that he doesn't want for our wedding to be an event, and that he doesn't care if anyone is there but us two. And he is insisting that it would hurt his pride to have another man "provide" a wedding for him, and that he doesn't want the day to be about my father or anyone else but us. And that by paying for the wedding himself, he will maintain more control. He doesn't want to feel like he owes anyone anything.

I have explained to him that every girl dreams of her wedding day, and that I do want it to be an event, and that I do want my family and friends there. (I'm figuring about 30 guests total at the wedding, so not a big deal). Furthermore, I don't want for the wedding costs to take away from the money he neeeds to be spending on getting his home in better shape for me to move in to.

I have also explained that it is customary for the brides father to pay, and that for much of my life, my father has short-changed me and that this is an opportunity for my father to do something nice for me. This angle didn't work, because my fiance says my father has done too little too late, and he doesn't want someone else providing our special day.

I am at a loss here. Any suggestions?

Thank you.

Maybe you could compermise? Like maybe he can pay for the wedding and tell your father to tell him that as a wedding present that he will pay for the reception, maybe that would put your future hubby at ease. You have to stress to him how much this means to you and that you would very much enjoy it if he would think of what you want too instead of thinking about himself. Honestly, it isn't about you and it isn't about him, a wedding is to celebrate and announce that you are getting married. So a "big wedding" is just presenting you both to your friends and family at the same time at the moment that you get married. They are just basically witnesses. I am studying to be a wedding planner now so I hope my advice helped you in some way and ask him about the whole father in law paying for the reception. I hope you have a WONDERFUL wedding even still and remember that you need to tell him how much being in a formal traditional wedding setting would make you the happiest woman in the world. If he loves you hun he will want you to be happy and think about your happiness because love IS NOT selfish!! You should think about what he wants and how you can please him and at the same time he has to have the same mentality about you.

Fr_Chuck · Apr 9, 2007, 05:18 PM

Ok, this may sound wrong, but what about just telling him this is your wedding too and you are going to do it the way you want, since the wedding is more about the bride anyway.

This is a sign of course of things to come, he appears to be demanding and controlling and not willing to work things out with his future wife.
This is a big red flag real fast of what life in 10 years is leading to.
Just a though.

shygrneyzs · Apr 9, 2007, 05:37 PM

This is not just about him wanting to pay for the wedding. This is about him exerting his control. What he says, he wants it to go his way. Take that as a clear warning sign, as Fr. Chuck stated, for what lies in the future. Your Dad wants to pay for the wedding. You are his daughter and this is what he wants to do. We only plan on getting married once. Let your Dad do this for you. Your fiancé has plenty enough to pay for - the honeymoon (which, if done properly, can be very expensive - :) )

Fr_Chuck · Apr 9, 2007, 05:43 PM

So what exactly is he saying, does he say if your dad pays for it, he won't get married??

Is he saying that you have to get married his way or not at all?

OK, if you had to pay for the wedding, no one helping you, I would say yea the small wedding may be best if you can't afford it. But you make it sound like he wants a 100 marriage license , married at the court house and then back home in time for the baseball game.

miss manners · Apr 14, 2007, 06:28 PM

I agree with Fr_Chuck; this is a control issue. Take a stand (gently at first) about what is important to you; that you will only have one wedding, and that you want it to be special. Otherwise, your husband-to-be will continue to exert control, and you'll have an unhappy marriage (or get to do it right the second time with someone who has more respect for your feelings).